The following conversations were taped on a recorded line, for quality assurance purposes.
Hostess Operator: Hostess Bakery, how may I help you?
Me: Howdy, can I speak to Twinkie the Kid?
Hostess Operator: Twinkie the who?
Me: Twinkie the Kid — you know, oblong yellow guy, rosy dimples, wears a cowboy hat, a fierce opponents of pantalones.
Hostess Operator: Oh, so you want to order of Twinkies? Which flavor? May I suggest our Chocodile Twinkies? I can guarantee you won’t be disappointed.
Me: That’s the absolute last thing I want. Have you tried those things? I’ve had M&M’s that are bigger, and definitely more chocolaty. What’s the shell made out of anyway? I’m fairly sure the black crayons I ate in preschool had a better texture than whatever y’all are pumping into those.
Hostess Operator: I’m sorry you’re disappointed, sir.
Me: Well I’m sorry you’re sorry I’m disappointed.
Hostess Operator: What does that even mean?
Me: No idea. Can I just talk to The Kid?
Hostess Operator: I’m sorry, sir, but he’s currently at 73rd Annual Prepackaged Snack Cake Convention. We’ll pass on your comments.
Hostess Operator: Goodbye!
Hostess Operator: Hostess Bakery, how may I direct your call?
Me: Hey, yeah, can I speak to Twinkie the Kid? I’ve got an urgent question.
Hostess Operator: Twinkie the who?
Me: Really, were going to do this again?
Hostess Operator: Oh, I remember you! You’re the one who said he’d rather eat crayons than our Chocodile Twinkies.
Me: Technically, I’d rather eat neither, but sure, we can go with that. But speaking about those Chocodile Fudge Covered Twinkies.
Hostess Operator: Still crap?
Me: No, much better. Actually, they’re really kind of good, although I admit that box with the melted chocolate being drizzled over the Twinkie is a tad bit deceptive.
Hostess Operator: Call it advertising liberty.
Me: Sure. But like I said, pretty good. The chocolate shell actually tastes like chocolate. Now I’m not talking fancy chocolate you’d buy for your wife on Valentine’s Day, but definitely the kind of chocolate you pick up at the dollar store and put in your 4-year-olds Easter basket.
Hostess Operator: So you’re saying it doesn’t taste like wax?
Me: Oh yeah, not at all. I mean it’s still incredibly sweet. But since they’re bigger, one or two definitely kills a snack cake craving.
Hostess Operator: And the Twinkie cake and crème?
Me: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. That’s really the best part; since the shell doesn’t ruin the essence of the Twinkie, it actually serves as a kind of shield that helps preserves the fluffy cake inside. And let me tell you, when you can line up fluffy cake, crispy chocolate shell, and Twinkie crème, and do it all without any funky aftertastes or waxy crayon texture, then you’ve got a product I’ll keep buying.
Hostess Operator: Sounds like you won’t need to be talking to Twinkie the Kid after all.
Me: Oh, no. I still need to ask him why he never wears pants.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 cake – 210 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of dietary fiber, 24 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein..)
Purchased Price: $2.98
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Preservation of Twinkie “essence.” Improved texture and taste in the chocolate (excuse me: ‘fudge’) shell. Bigger than the 2014 Chocodiles.
Cons: Not exactly Ghirardelli. The proverbial cloying taste of Twinkie shell. Awesome source of saturated fat. Horrible customer service.