NEWS: Silk To Release New Holiday Flavor, But I’m Not Sure Which Holiday It’s For

Update: Read a Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate review here

Silk, maker of soy products that are dairy-free, lactose-free, cholesterol-free and silk-free, is releasing a new holiday soy milk flavor this season alongside their current holiday flavors: Pumpkin Spice and Nog. The new Silk Mint Chocolate has the potential to be the best of three since I believe Silk knows how to make a mean chocolate soy milk.

While it sounds good, I’m not sure what holiday Silk Chocolate Mint represents. It’s easy to determine which holidays Silk’s two other flavors are for. Pumpkin Spice is for Halloween/Thanksgiving and Nog is for Christmas. Mint Chocolate could be a Christmas flavor, or it could honor National Chocolate Mint Day on February 19th.

A one cup serving contains 90 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 300 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.

Silk Mint Chocolate will be available for a limited time, hopefully until February 19th, and come in quart and half gallon sizes.

REVIEW: Kleenex Hand Towels

Kleenex Hand Towels

A hand towel in the bathroom at a big house dinner party gives me an idea of what it would be like to participate in a gangbang. You’re sticking a body part in something that’s wet and has been used by many other people during the past two hours.

While I’m willing to break the five-second rule when it comes to food that I’ve dropped onto the floor and I may let the party host’s dog make out with me instead of using a napkin, I won’t use a hand towel at a party. I don’t mean to go all Dateline NBC on you, but a hand towel at a party is also a party…for germs.

Usually, if I need to dry my hands, I’ll either walk through the house like a doctor prepped for surgery to get a napkin or paper towel or I’ll shake my hands vigorously as if I’m a puppeteer making his puppets dance to death metal.

However, when the next dinner party rolls around, I may just bring a box of Kleenex Hand Towels with me.

If you’ve ever been sick or you’re a male who has masturbated, you’re probably very familiar with the Kleenex brand. But, you might not know they make more than that, unless you have the Kleenex website in your web browser’s bookmarks to keep up to date with the latest in booger trapping technology.

The Kleenex Hand Towels are individual paper towels that come out of a box and work the same as all Kleenex boxes — pull one out and the next one is ready for another person. If inks, dyes and fragrances bother you, your sensitive skin won’t have to worry about any of that with the Kleenex Hand Towels. The 9.1 inch square towels are small when compared with other paper towels, but they’re softer than the stuff you find in a public restroom, and they’re more absorbent. Unlike most public restroom paper towels, I needed only one Kleenex Hand Towel to dry my hands.

Sure, it’s just paper towels from a box and a roll of paper towels is significantly cheaper, but have you ever tried tearing off a sheet from a paper towel roll with two wet hands, trying not to get any other sheets wet. I don’t know about you, but when I try it, I look like I’m attempting to bring back a dance from the 1990s. I think the convenience and ease of use are worth a little extra scratch for your guests.

Kleenex Hand Towels In Use

While the Kleenex Hand Towels are soft and absorbent, the box they come in is a little more impressive. The shape of the box allows you to place it on top of a towel rack, creating a convenient dispenser in case you don’t have much room on your bathroom countertop due to a prescription drug addiction or a toothpaste variety addiction.

Item: Kleenex Hand Towels
Price: $2.99
Size: 60 towels
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very absorbent. More hygienic than a communal hand towel. Great for having in the bathroom at parties. Convenient box that can be placed on a towel rack to save counter space, but not towel rack space. Ink, dye and fragrance-free. Softer than paper towels found in a public restroom.
Cons: Might be pricey for some. Smaller than most paper towels. A communal hand towel being like a gangbang. Dances from the 1990s. Breaking the five-second rule. Making out with a dog instead of using a napkin. Prescription drug addictions. Toothpaste variety addictions.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Want To Write For The Impulsive Buy?

For over six years, The Impulsive Buy has been the blog that thousands of procrastinating college students and bored office workers go to when they’ve caught up with all the panty flashes and nipple slips on The Superficial. The Impulsive Buy is the number one blog on the internet that combines Consumer Reports thoroughness with Playboy comic strip penis jokes. The Impulsive Buy has influenced hundreds of people to avoid Maruchan’s Creamy Alfredo Instant Ramen and let those same people know about the Comfort Wipe

We are currently looking for enthusiastic, talented, funny, and self-motivated individuals to be monkeys with typewriters writers and churn out reviews of the latest products in stores and on fast food menu boards. We’re hoping to bring on two or three new reviewers.

Monkey With A Typewriter Writer Requirements:

1. Must have a typewriter or computer.
2. Willing to fling poop when upset or threatened.
3. Have spelling and grammar abilities equal to or greater than mine.
4. Must be willing to peel own bananas.
5. Own a digital camera.
6. Be okay with being called Curious George and retrieving my yellow hat.
7. Have an ability to entertain people with words, sentences and paragraphs.
8. Have a Paypal account.

It’s a paid gig, but we won’t say how much here. However, we can say it will amount to a decent number of bananas.

If you would like to apply for the position, here’s what you’ll need to send us:

Writing Samples:

1. One sample review in TIB format (price, pros, cons, etc at the bottom). The review can be about whatever product you want. We won’t be using the review on TIB, we just want to see your writing style to determine if you’d be a good fit. To give you an idea of how long a TIB review is, they range from 400-1,000 words.

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A Few Notes:

1. Due to legal reasons, we can’t hire minors.

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To apply, please email your sample review and bio to theimpulsivebuyATgmailDOTcom with the line “I want to be a monkey with a typewriter” in the subject line. We will stop accepting applicants on November 5th.

Thank you.


REVIEW: Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes

Kellogg's Original Cinnabon Pancakes

Imagine a world without Cinnabon.

Walking through the malls of America would be less odoriferous. There wouldn’t be anything sweet to cleanse the nasal palate with to get rid of the old person smell wafting from Sears, the youthful scents seeping out of Abercrombie & Fitch, the testosterone pouring out of GNC and the smell of death coming from Radio Shack.

A world without Cinnabon would also be a world without the recent influx of Cinnabon-branded products, like Cinnabon Snack Bars, Cinnabon Cereal, Cinnabon Lip Balm and these Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes.

Oh, what a world that would be!

If you’re expecting these Cinnabon-branded pancakes to taste anything close to Cinnabon’s shopping mall-famous cinnamon rolls, you will be disappointed, like I am whenever I’m told I can’t sit on Santa’s lap at the mall because “I’m a grown man” or because “It looks like I have crabs because I scratch myself in the neither region too much.”

Kellogg's Original Cinnabon Pancakes Naked

While there’s cinnamon baked into each four-inch pancake and spots of white frosting injected into the breakfast disk, they do nothing to make it taste like the cloyingly sweet cinnamon rolls. The cinnamon, which isn’t Cinnabon’s Makara Cinnamon, is noticeable and allows the pancake to be eaten without syrup. But when syrup is added, the cinnamon is easily covered up. As for the frosting, it was like a stripper on stage; I could see it, but couldn’t taste it.

Even though I’m not impressed with the Original Cinnabon Pancakes, I did come up with a way to make them better — turn them into breakfast sandwich buns, a la McGriddles.

Kellogg's Original Cinnabon Pancakes Taco

However, I couldn’t find at my local Safeway a large breakfast sausage patty that would fit nicely in between two of these pancakes. I thought about asking a stock clerk for help, but they were all men and I thought it would be weird asking them if they had bigger sausages.

So instead I bought smaller breakfast patties, microwaved them, cut them in half, tessellated the halves on top of a microwaved pancake and then folded the pancake over to create a breakfast taco that had the right balance of sweet and salty.

Yeah! Suck it, Bobby Flay! The secret ingredient iz deez nutz!

I’m sorry about that unnecessary outburst. I’m just surprised I came up with a breakfast dish that’s slightly more complicated than my last great breakfast idea, which just involved mixing Cocoa Puffs with Cocoa Pebbles and pouring chocolate soy milk over it. And it’s been awhile since I’ve used the phrase “deez nutz” in a review.

Overall, the Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes were mediocre frozen pancakes. The cinnamon flavor was decent, but I really wish I could taste the frosting that was also injected into it. They’re also quite thin, making them easy to cut through and to fold over to create a pancake taco shell, but not really filling for a grown man.

They almost make me wish for a world without Cinnabon.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 pancakes – 270 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 480 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 28 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Size: 12 pancakes
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Noticeable cinnamon flavor. Can be prepared in either the microwave or oven. Makes an great breakfast sandwich bun or breakfast taco shell. Contains eight vitamins and minerals. A world without Cinnabon.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like anything from Cinnabon. Injected frosting isn’t noticeable. The term “injected frosting.” Too thin to be satisfying for a grown man. A grown man not being able to sit on Santa’s lap. Syrup kills cinnamon flavor. A world without Cinnabon.

NEWS: V8 Makes A Threesome Involving Fruits and Vegetables Non-Erotic

A couple of years ago, V8 created their V-Fusion line that combined vegetable juice with fruit juices to help people consume more vegetables and fruits and to help expand the product line beyond a salted vegetable juice, which I usually see used as a replacement for tomato juice in a Bloody Mary.

It seems combining fruit and vegetable juices wasn’t enough for V8, because they decided to add a third partner — green tea. An 8-ounce serving of the new V8 V-Fusion + Tea provides provides 1/4 cup of vegetables, 1/4 cup of fruits and the antioxidant power of green tea. Although I’m not sure how much antioxidant power the green tea provides.

V8 V-Fusion + Tea comes in three flavors: Raspberry Green Tea, Pineapple Mango Green Tea and Pomegranate Green Tea. All three come in 46-ounce bottles and contain 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 60 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 100% vitamin C per 8 ounce serving.