Author: Marvo

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts

Marvo 5 Comments

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts

I’m sorry, baby!

I’m sorry I called you a tease. I didn’t mean it. I also didn’t mean to call you sick and sadistic. My emotions just got the best of me. I know you can only be a grocery store and not the supermarket I dream of in my head.

I thought going to another grocery store would be a better fit for me, but it wasn’t. I found out that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence. It was a horrible experience.

It costs $4.50 for a gallon of skim milk at the other grocery store. You offered it to me for $3.50. Also, they only had TWO checkout registers open and one was the 10 items or less register. I had to wait in line. I know you would never let that happen to me.

We broke up over something stupid. It wasn’t even worth it and I see that now. Those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts, which I did find at the other grocery store, was such a stupid reason for me to think there was someone better than you. You’ll probably laugh at me when I tell you this, but I had to pay $3.25 for those Pop-Tarts. I know you wouldn’t have charged me that much.

The chocolate frosting and cookie dough filling of those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts weren’t even that good, frozen or toasted. It definitely wasn’t as delicious as the S’mores and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts that you sold to me.

I now know I’m an unemotional shell who never took into consideration your feelings. You made me feel special, but I now see that I never made you feel as special.

What can I do to make it up to you?

I can get another savings card to replace the one I cut up. I can buy 12 yogurts for $7.80. I’ll wait in your parking lot and tackle anyone who tries to steal your shopping carts. Or I’ll bag my own groceries. I’ll do anything to make it up to you.

I promise I’ll never leave you again.

Just give me one more chance.

Item: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts
Purchase Price: $3.25
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, but not the best Pop-Tarts I’ve had. I miss you.
Cons: Didn’t meet the hype that I created for it. I’m an asshole.

eMusic Music Store

Marvo

eMusic Music Store

I remember the days when it was so easy to get the music I wanted. Jump on a PC at school, start up Napster, and download songs to my hearts content. Unfortunately, I now have to worry about lawsuits from the RIAA, which by the way is slowly becoming the second scariest acronym behind the IRS.

Now that I’ve gone legit, I get my music from CDs and the iTunes Music Store. However, recently I noticed one of the online music stores called eMusic was offering 50 free MP3 downloads, so I decided to give them a try.

eMusic is a little different than the iTunes Music Store because their catalog only consists of musicians from independent labels. That means you won’t find Britney Spears at eMusic, which is good thing. Also, with the eMusic Music Store, you can’t purchase individual tracks, instead you must sign up for monthly plans which allows you to download a set number of MP3s. Their cheapest plan at $9.99 allows for 40 downloads, which comes out to about 25 cents per song. So cheap that it’s like I’m stealing…I mean, downloading from the old Napster again.

It’s a great deal, but unfortunately, I’m not too familiar with groups on independent labels.

Fortunately, I got a few recommendations from occasional Impulsive Buy browsers, Kari, a former college radio DJ and Gabriel, a sleeveless taiko drummer. While looking through their lists of groups, I thought they were making up names, like The Postal Service, Interpol, Burning Airlines, The Impossibles, Slow Reader, The Music, Hot Hot Heat, Massive Attack, The Shins, and Morcheeba.

However, after searching through the eMusic catalog, I found out that they weren’t messing with my head. Although I didn’t find all the groups, so maybe they were messing with me a little.

While downloading their recommendations, I thought about how easy it must be to create a band name. As a matter of fact, it’s so easy that I created an equation for you boys and girls to remember so that you can create your own band names.

T + A + N = BN
(The + Adjective + Noun = Band Name)

With this equation I’ve created the following names: The Blue Quick, The Liberal Reporters, The French Fliers, The Rejected Credit Card Application, The Empty Wallets, The Stupid Presidents, and The Hyperactive Elementary School Kids on the Playground.

Many of the groups that Kari and Gabriel suggested were really good and it was great to hear something different than the 2,346 songs that were already on my iPod.

After downloading my 50 free MP3s, I decided to sign up for the $9.99 monthly plan, so I could download other groups I’ve never heard of.

(Note to RIAA: All songs downloaded during my misguided college years have been erased from the computer I was using at that time.)

Item: eMusic Music Store
Purchase Price: 50 Free Downloads + $9.99 for 40 Downloads
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Monthly plans are a very good deal. Good source for music from independent labels, with over 500,000 songs. No Britney Spears-type crap. Uses MP3 format, so no DRMs.
Cons: Bad deal if you don’t use up all your downloads during each month, which expire. Sometimes downloads are slow.

REVIEW: Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts

Marvo 5 Comments

Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts

The national grocery store chain I shop at is a tease.

There I said it!

She’s a tease and if she keeps doing it, I’m going to have to do my shopping at another grocery store. Sure I have to pay a little more for things, but a man can only take so much.

She teases me with her voluptuous “Buy One, Get One Free” deals. Or her sexy “10 for $12.00″ deal. Sure I don’t need twelve boxes of Kleenex, but it’s 10 for $12.00!

She tells me things that get me so excited, but always lets me down. For example, for weeks there’s been a place for those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts with a “Coming Soon” label. Every week when I come in to shop I expect to see some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts, but every week I’m met with the same old “Coming Soon” label.

My emotions aren’t some kind of game you can play with. Don’t play games with me!

What kind of sick and sadistic grocery store are you? Teasing me with your 2 for $4.00 sale on Pop-Tarts, but not having the Pop-Tarts I really want. I’ve had to settle for the S’mores Pop-Tarts and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts.

Sure the S’mores Pop-Tarts were good and the Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts were really good, with its fudge flavored crust, white vanilla filling, and whipped cream flavored frosting with colored candy sprinkles that tastes great either toasted or frozen. Sure I have to say that the Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts has overtaken S’mores Pop-Tarts as my favorite Pop-Tarts flavor, but I know that’s just your way of trying to cover up your issues.

How much longer are you going to keep playing games with me? You think I’m some ordinary customer. I have your savings card! I’m a regular customer. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? I thought I was special.

That’s it! I’m through with you. I’m done with your stupid “Buy One, Get One Free” sales. I’m moving on from your “10 for $12.00” deals. I’m cutting up your savings card and I’m going to shop somewhere else.

Why did you have to do this to me? I really believed we had something special.

Item: Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes great frozen or toasted. My new favorite Pop-Tarts flavor.
Cons: It’s not the elusive Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts. My old grocery store is a sick, sadistic tease.

Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas

Marvo

Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas

Here at The Impulsive Buy we like to keep up with the latest product trends because we so desperately want to be cool and hip.

In our short existence, we have followed a few trends, like the breakfast smoothie trend and the low-carb soda trend. Another one we have been closely following is the cereal with real fruit trend, which we think is an awesome idea, but not as awesome as the Hypercolor clothing trend in the 1980s.

A few weeks ago we reviewed Corn Flakes With Bananas, which we found to be pretty damn good. Who would have thought adding bananas could make Corn Flakes, which is something just as bland as any Britney Spears’ CD, taste better?

So today we’re going to review another cereal with bananas, Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas.

We at the Impulsive Buy are fans of the original Honey Bunches of Oats, with its crunchiness and lightly frosted corn and wheat flakes. After our kick-ass experience with Corn Flakes with Bananas, we assumed the Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas would be just as good. Unfortunately, we were very disappointed.

To be honest, we were only dissatisfied with the dried bananas in the cereal. If we were able to pick out all the dried bananas, we would like it, but if we wanted that it would be easier to just buy a box of regular Honey Bunches of Oats.

The bananas in the Honey Bunches of Oats were soft and squishy, like Bob Dole without Viagra. So when we added the milk, the bananas absorbed it like a sponge and they got soggy faster than you can say, “These bananas suck ass.” This was unlike the Corn Flakes With Bananas, which had crunchy banana chips, like the kind you find in hippie health food stores in between the dried apricots and hemp bracelets.

These bananas in the Honey Bunches of Oats were so bad, we don’t think gorillas, monkeys, orangutans, or Robin Williams would like them.

After our positive experience with Corn Flakes with Bananas, we had such high hopes for Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas. To summarize how we felt about this cereal, we would like to use the following analogy: It’s just like getting caught in the rain without an umbrella. Things get soggy and it sucks.

Item: Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: The Honey Bunches of Oats part.
Cons: The soggy bananas part.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles

Marvo 1 Comment

Kellogg's Limited Edition Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough

At first I really thought these Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles were really cool. Not because they were mini Eggo waffles or the fact they were labeled “Limited Edition.” I believed they were cool because I thought if I stuck them in the oven and baked them, chocolate chip cookies would sprout out of them, like leaves on a branch.

Unfortunately when I tried this, all I ended up with were really burnt waffles, smoke, and a really loud beeping smoke detector.

Okay, so there’s no actual chocolate chip cookie dough in the waffles, it’s “naturally and artificially flavored.”

So next someone is going tell me that the cookie dough in chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream isn’t “real” cookie dough.

It isn’t?

I could get possible salmonella food poisoning?

So I can’t bake the chocolate chip cookie dough found in ice cream?

No?

Dammit!

Well if these waffles don’t have actual chocolate chip cookie dough, they better at least taste like chocolate chip cookie dough.

Nope, disappointed again. I could taste the chocolate chips, but it tastes much like regular chocolate chip waffles.

What’s next? Is someone going to tell me that soy “milk” isn’t really milk?

It isn’t?

Shit!

Well I’ve learned a few valuable lessons today: (1) I should never judge a product by its name. (2) Eating real cookie dough could possibly kill me.

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles
Purchase Price: $3.89
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: No chance of possible salmonella food poisoning because there is no real cookie dough. Vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Doesn’t really taste like chocolate chip cookie dough. DON’T BAKE THEM LIKE COOKIES!!!