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REVIEW: Panda Express General Tso’s Chicken

August 11, 2016January 7, 2021 Marvo 8 Comments

Who is General Tso?

Twho cares?

All I really care about is whether years of waiting for Panda Express to develop their own version of the iconic American Chinese dish was worth it. I’ve always found it odd that the fast food chain that’s responsible for introducing many Americans to some kind of Chinese food didn’t have their own version of THE dish that was specifically made in Chinese American restaurants to introduce American taste buds to Chinese food.

And I find it even odder that Panda Express, which is known for entrees that consists of crispy chicken coated a sweet and savory sauce, like Orange Chicken, SweetFire Chicken Breast, and Honey Sesame Chicken Breast, didn’t have the sweet and savory General Tso’s Chicken until now.

The Panda Express version features crispy all-white meat chicken, green beans, red and yellow bell peppers, and onions tossed with a sweet, spicy, and tangy sauce.

I feel the best way to share what I think of it is to compare it with another iconic sweet and spicy Chinese chicken dish that’s supposed to appeal to American palates — Orange Chicken.

Panda Express’ General Tso’s Chicken is like Orange Chicken’s boring cousin who was brought up in a household where he watched 30 minutes of TV per day, wasn’t allowed to drink soda, and ate lots of vegetables. Orange Chicken is the fun one that everyone loves because it’s mostly sweet, a little spicy, and it doesn’t come with lame vegetables.

While the extremely popular Panda Express entree is more sweet than savory, the chain’s General Tso’s Chicken is more savory than sweet and comes with FOUR different vegetables. I guess being that way could make it seem like a refined version of Orange Chicken.

Its sauce isn’t as slimy as what’s on Orange Chicken, but that’s probably because there’s less sugar. Along with the light sweetness, there’s also a noticeable soy sauce flavor and pepperiness. It’s a tasty sauce that I think does a great job at honoring the dish. However, there were a couple of times when I asked myself, “Why do I taste hot dog water in my mouth?” And there was a moment when its flavor reminded me of those Lay’s Chinese Szechuan Chicken Potato Chips, which I didn’t love.

Much like I’ve experienced with Orange Chicken, the breading was still a little crispy, even though it’s coated in a sauce. The chicken inside was a little dry. The bell peppers and onions also give the entree a crisp texture. My double serving of the dish was heavy on the onions, but light on the green beans.

Is Panda Express’ General Tso’s Chicken worth getting?

I want to say “Tno” just because that would make an awesome ending, but that would be a complete lie. It’s not Orange Chicken good, but I enjoyed it. So if you’re at Panda Express, Tgo ahead and try it.

(Nutrition Facts – 5.7 oz serving – 330 calories, 100 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 910 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, and 19 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $8.40
Size: 2-Choice Entree Plate
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice change of pace from Orange Chicken or SweetFire Chicken Breast. More savory than sweet sauce. Crispy breading. Crispy vegetables.
Cons: Not as good as Orange Chicken. Chicken was a little dry. Why do I taste hot dog water? Not being able to use “Tno” to end a review.

QUICK REVIEW: Glaceau Breeze-e Strawberry Watermelon VitaminWater

August 10, 2016January 7, 2021 Marvo 1 Comment

Glaceau’s Breeze-e Strawberry Watermelon VitaminWater is the best tasting VitaminWater I’ve ever had.

Okay, I might be exaggerating and the previous sentence could be the heat talking.

It’s frickin’ hot. I’ve gone through my second shirt of the day. I’m sweating like I’m guilty of something I don’t want to admit, like murder, fraud, or enjoying TLC’s Say Yes to the Dress. My body is at the point where it will say anything to get some fluids into it to replace whatever was in those two shirts. Garglepuss whoop whoop meow fart.

Drinking.

Ahhhh.

So I just finished all 32 ounces of it, which I believe now officially makes me hydrated, and I still think it’s the best tasting VitaminWater I’ve had. My taste buds get two flavor vibes from it. Although it supposed to be strawberry watermelon flavored, it reminds me of strawberry kiwi beverages I’ve consumed. Also, at times it tastes like an overripe strawberry. It’s not overly sweet and the flavor isn’t light like some other VitaminWater varieties.

Breeze-e has overtaken VitaminWater XXX as my favorite flavor. But it has not passed XXX as my favorite VitaminWater name.

Speaking of names, what does the extra E in Breeze-e mean? Does it honor rapper Eazy-E? No. Extraneous? No. Easy way to get folks to buy VitaminWater? No. Breeze-e provides electrolytes (It’s what plants crave) and a sad amount of the antioxidant vitamin E.

So if you’re frickin’ hot and you happen to be at a 7-Eleven (it’s an exclusive flavor this summer) looking for something to cool you down, might I recommend my new favorite VitaminWater flavor.

Purchased Price: $2.49*
Size: 32 fl oz bottle
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (12 fl oz) 70 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 60% vitamin C, 60% vitamin B6, 60% pantothenic acid, 15% zinc, 15% vitamin E, and 60% vitamin B12.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Swedish Fish Oreo Cookies

August 9, 2016January 7, 2021 Dan 21 Comments

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

Dr. Ian Malcolm famously spoke this line in Jurassic Park, and ever since, it echoes in my brain whenever a particularly weird, strange, or repulsive snack food is released. But I bet even Dr. Malcolm would choose an ocean cruise in a plesiosaur’s stomach over a tall stack of Swedish Fish Oreo Cookies. Nabisco might as well have printed the word “WHY?” on the side of every wafer.

But I plan to eat these Oreo cookies with an open mind. Why?

Because I may not be a Jurassic paleontologist, but I am a self-described gummy-ologist. I’ve documented every species of gummy bear. I once caught a 30-pound blue gummy shark with a single gummy worm. Heck, I even rallied for gummy octopus rights when I discovered their intelligence was nearly on par with humans.

But Swedish Fish Oreos are an entirely different creature. Even though they have Oreo’s iconic, pleasantly crunchy, and cocoa buttery chocolate cookie wafers, Swedish Fish Oreo have a unique creme filling the world hasn’t tasted since the Paleozoic era.

Or so I’m assuming, since the decision to make Swedish Fish Oreo could’ve only been made by either a Neanderthal or a giant roulette wheel in Nabisco’s office.

See, this creme isn’t perfectly pillowy, soft, and squishy. It’s a little more sticky, chewy, and dare I say…slimy. It cracks and falls apart like a child’s Play-Doh diorama of the Berlin Wall, and each Oreo I opened contained a different Rorschach test image in its pasty folds. Below I see Donald Trump angrily looking out a castle window:

The creme’s taste, though, is just like Swedish Fish. It has potent, puckering pops of candied cherry and a slightly off-putting finish of waxy gelatin. I could probably recreate it with a box of Swedish Fish and a blender, but like shooting fish in a barrel, eating fish in an Oreo is way easier.

I can’t say if it’s more pleasant, though. Eating the cookie and creme together, I can really only taste the overpowering cherry creme. There’s a processed chocolate aftertaste, but even then, it has to battle for supremacy with the cherry cough syrup layer that the creme plastered on the back of my throat.

I really wanted to like Swedish Fish Oreo, but the “crispy fruit medicine puree” textural contrast is too much for even a quasi-licensed gummy-ologist. I thought dunking them might intensify the chocolate flavor, but I worried that dipping these bizarre things in milk might make the beverage renounce Oreo as its favorite cookie.

So since I already felt ridiculous, I dipped ‘em in Kool-Aid instead.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t even bad. When soggy, the cocoa wafers are “activated,” and the whole Oreo starts to taste like a vaguely pleasant Dirt Pie.

Remember Dirt Pies? Those chocolate pudding cups with scattered Oreo crumb soil and gummy worms on top? The desserts you haven’t had since your cousin’s 4th grade Halloween party? They’re delicious, and after squinting my eyes and eating a juice-soaked Swedish Fish Oreo, I relived a little of that nostalgia.

For 99 percent of people, these cookies will be a major “no.” The texture’s weird, the flavor’s medicinal, and the smell would scare a coyote. But for those rare one percent who are eternal kids-at-heart and want to scratch a doozy off their “Culinary Adventure Bucket List,” then oh boy, does Nabisco have an Oreo for you.

As for me? I’m just gonna lay down and dream about Dirt Pies for a week.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 10.7 oz package
Purchased at: Kroger
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Wistful Dirt Pie memories. Completing my Gummy Pokédex. Cookie creme ink blot tests. Googling pictures of plesiosaurs to cleanse my palate.
Cons: Chemical cherry fish paste. Chocolate flavor that disappears faster than Houdini. Scraping the bottom of the flavor idea fish barrel. “Oreo: Milk’s Recently Divorced Cookie.” The falling Frankenstein piñata that broke my nose at my cousin’s 4th grade Halloween party.

REVIEW: Baskin-Robbins Oreo Milk ‘n Cereal Ice Cream

August 8, 2016August 12, 2023 Adam 1 Comment

Move your cursor away from the search box on Amazon.com. Stop trying to scroll through the listings of international breakfast foods. Do yourself a favor and cancel your vacation plans to South Korea.

Oreo O’s are dead.

The cereal does not exist anymore. Not here in the States, not in Seoul, not even in freaking Pyongyang. Why else do you think Kim Jong-un is shooting missiles into the ocean?

The magical elixir of milk that blends the sweet chocolaty taste of cookies and the crunchy wholesomeness of breakfast cereal is but a distant memory. In its place we have a few attempts at compromise, but who are we kidding? The stale abomination known as Cookie Crisp will never suffice, nor will a new limited edition Oreo creme which tastes like sixteen bowls of Fruity Pebbles.

But perhaps we have been looking in the wrong places. Instead of trying to find the soul of Oreo O’s in cereal or even cookies, perhaps the flavor explosion of sweet milk, chocolate, and corn cereal can be resurrected in ice cream form?

As our 1990s selves would have said: Well, DUH!

I have eaten a lot of off-the-wall Baskin-Robbins ice cream flavors in my day, but the new Oreo Milk ‘n Cereal flavor is my favorite, mostly because it captures the Oreo and cereal vibe that only my beloved Oreo O’s had been able to do. But if I thought the combination of Oreo chocolate wafers embedded into a crunchy corn cereal base was good, then Oreo Milk ‘n Cereal ice cream borrows a line from Tony the Tiger and is Gr-r-reat!

The cereal milk flavored ice cream basically tastes like a sweeter, richer, and thicker version of a really good cookies and cream ice cream; one studded with so many crunchy Oreo pieces you’d have thought an entire package of Oreos went into a single scoop. This isn’t some store-brand cookies and cream. Big chunks of rounded, ridged edged Oreo wafers are packed with a bittersweet chocolate flavor that contrasts the sweet ice cream base and the slightly salty, chewy frosted flakes ribbon.

What’s this, you say? The description reads frosted corn flake cereal pieces and a crunchy frosted corn flake cereal ribbon. Well that it does, but the description is as big a fib as telling you that you can still buy a box of Oreo O’s on Amazon.

Truth be told, I licked every nook and cranny of this cone, and the corn flake ribbon and frosted flake pieces are one and the same. The pieces have an odd texture that’s somewhere between the discontinued Frosted Flakes Gold, a northern style corn bread, and, I swear I’m not making this up, Corn Nuts. If that wasn’t complicated enough, there’s also notes of waffle cone and Cap’n Crunch, although I suspect the latter is due to toasting the clustered ribbon in coconut oil.

Long list of ingredients aside, It’s like having a corn cakes breakfast-flavored cereal, and it’s beyond delicious (note to Kellogg’s: Get on that).

I was actually a little skeptical that Oreo cookies and corn/frosted flakes would work together, but the result is a surprisingly harmonious ménage à trois, hearkening back to Oreo O’s while introducing another layer of crunchy corn sweetness and sweet creamy flavor. So do yourself a favor and wipe those tears from your keyboard, because you’ll soon be dripping melting ice cream (and tears of joy) all over the space bar.

(Nutrition Facts – 2.5 ounce scoop (small) – 200 calories, 180 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of dietary fiber, 16 gram of sugar, and 3 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $2.79
Size: Small Scoop
Purchased at: Baskin-Robbins
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a combination of Oreo O’s, Frosted Flakes, pancakes, and Cap’n Crunch all in one lick. Sweet and rich cookies and cream vibe from the cereal milk base. Excellent contrast of crunchy and creamy.
Cons: Cereal element isn’t exactly as advertised and isn’t crispy in the way cereal is. Crying over spilled (cereal) milk.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Garlic Herb Fries

August 5, 2016September 5, 2023 Marvo 4 Comments

My hope, when it comes to garlic fries, is that it has enough garlic to prevent any vampire or human being from wanting to invade my neck or personal space.

Unfortunately, the only way Jack in the Box’s Garlic Herb Fries can keep anyone away from my neck or personal space is if I use them to pelt those who want to get up on me.

I’m not Jack. I don’t have a giant head I can swing around to get people away from me. I’m also not a hoatzin. I can’t just eat whatever and then make myself smell like cow manure. I need help and Jack in the Box is preventing me from getting stinky.

The herbs and the way the fries glisten from the butter make them look so inviting. But when I compare them to the pictures I’ve seen of ballpark garlic fries or McDonald’s Gilroy Garlic Fries the chain is testing in California, with their generous amounts of garlic, I can’t help but think I’m getting gypped.

With Jack’s version the butter is infused with garlic. I’m not sure if it’s the exact same stuff on the chain’s line of Buttery Jack burgers, but I assume it is because it would complicate things in the kitchen if there were two garlic herb butter ingredients.

Having had several Buttery Jack burgers over the past few years, I’ve experienced the garlic herb butter and it has a light garlic flavor in the burger. Without having the ingredients of a burger in the way, I thought the garlic would be a bit more pungent, but it’s just as light as it is with the Buttery Jack. Also, oddly, there was a slight cheesy flavor.

That’s not what I want.

I want that garlic herb butter to affect those within a two foot radius around me when I say, “Whaaaat doooo yoooou meeeeean myyyy brrrreeeeath smeeeells?” The only thing the butter did a great job at was laying a greasy coating on and around my lips that gave them a glossy look that I only like when I’m dolled up. Thankfully, a fork came with the fries so I couldn’t build a layer of butter on my fingers.

The garlic herb butter was dumped in the middle of the fries and a lot of it ended up on the bottom of the container it came in. So the fries that didn’t get any butter love could get some by mopping up whatever greasy liquid remained. The herbs added a nice flavor to the melted dairy. Surprisingly, even with all that butter, the fries maintained a decent level of crispiness.

Jack in the Box’s Garlic Herb Fries were disappointing. I don’t think they’re worth picking up if you’re a fan of garlic fries. They look good and smell good, but they need a stronger garlic punch.

(Nutrition Facts – 459 calories, 244 calories from fat, 27 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 29 milligrams of cholesterol, 819 milligrams of sodium, 487 milligrams of potassium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.29*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Comes with a fork. Looks good. Smells good.
Cons: Needs a stronger garlic punch. Garlic-infused butter instead of having chopped garlic. Makes it easy for others to invade my personal space.