REVIEW: Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight

The Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight is missing something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Oh yeah, that’s right.

It’s missing the grease that real tacos at midnight would have, which lubricates the body so that the shame from the evening of debauchery can pass through easier. The tacos themselves also help by replacing the regret of whatever you did earlier in the evening with the shame of eating cheap, fast food tacos that will make you fart in your sleep.

The grease is necessary to wash away things like the regret of giving your cell phone number to the crazy, borderline homely person at the bar who keeps texting you about how special you are to them because you bought them a drink, which they mistook as a gift of courtship, but was really a pity drink after he/she told you their depressing story about how they got dumped on Valentine’s Day and the restraining order they received shortly after, all of which happened after you two accidently met on the dance floor while the DJ was playing “your jam” — a sped up mashup of Technotronic’s “Pump Up The Jam” and Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up.”

You don’t remember that person’s name, but you do know what they look like because you’ve received 20 or so text messages from them since you left the club an hour ago, and with every text their strobe light-lighted picture you took on your cell phone about 90 minutes ago when you were a lot more inebriated shows up on your phone’s screen. In your more sober state, you think to yourself, “Not even the poor lighting makes him/her look better.” Also at that point, you regret having your phone’s text messaging alert set to the chorus of A Tribe Called Quest’s “Hot Sex.”

The Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight may not have grease, or a simple name, but it does taste like a fast food taco and they’re tasty. Although its flavor specifically reminds me of a Jack in the Box taco, which isn’t my favorite fast food taco. But for some it’s the taco of choice for those who want to forget the embarrassment of drunk making out with someone who smelled like burnt hair and cigarette ashes, wore a lot of polyester and didn’t have all their teeth. You can point at the dark red powder that covers the chips for that flavor and you can also blame that powder for the slight spice of the chip and for making your fingers look like they contracted a nasty sexually transmitted disease.

The similarities between the Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight chips and Jack in the Box tacos don’t stop with flavor. Just like a Jack in the Box taco, when you burp after eating these Doritos you get to savor its flavor all over again. But without the grease found in regular tacos, these triangular chips won’t help the next time you find yourself in the back seat of a car, hopefully not a Mini Cooper, with someone who you think is of the opposite sex, but really isn’t.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein,

(Note: The Onion’s AV Club also reviewed them, along with the Doritos Late Night Last Call Jalapeno Popper. Phoood reviewed these, along with Everyview.)

Item: Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight
Price: $3.00
Size: 13 7/8 ounces
Purchased at: The-Blue-Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. If you like Jack in the Box tacos, it tastes like them. The grease from tacos. Forgetting things that will prevent you from running for office. Restraining orders.
Cons: Doesn’t contain the grease that real tacos have. Tastes like Jack in the Box taco, which aren’t my favorite. Anything bad that happens when you’re inebriated. Retasting it after you burp. Any mashup that contains Technotronic’s “Pump Up The Jam” and Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up.” Giving your phone number to a scary stranger.

REVIEW: Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10

Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10

I could stuff this review for the Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10 with sexual references in every possible hole I could find, but I’m not going to get behind that and force something like that down your throats, because I’m better than that.

For example, I’m not going to talk about the three antioxidant-filled fruits in this beverage — acai, blueberry and pomegranate — coming together to form a cool, fruity manage-a-trois with so much pomegrindin’ that they would make each other turn blueberry and scream acai at the top of their lungs in orgasmic pleasure.

I’m not going to stoop to the crass level I’ve stooped to in hundreds of reviews before this one and in the previous two paragraph…and in the hundreds of reviews after this one. I’m going to try to be classy and make this review one that I wouldn’t be afraid to share with my parents and second graders, except for the first two paragraphs.

Glaceau’s XXX Vitamin Water 10 is the latest beverage to have the stevia sweetener Truvia added to it. The maker of the sweetener, Coca-Cola, has been pushing it hard up promoting their new sweetener a lot and have been slowly inserting it into adding it to various beverages across their numerous product lines. However Truvia is not the only sweetener in this beverage. Crystalline fructose and erythritol completes the sticky threesome trifecta of natural sweeteners.

Keep it clean, Marvo. Keep it clean.

While the XXX in its name represents the three fruits that provide the 50 milligrams of berry polyphenols and the flavor in this beverage, the 10 in its name symbolizes the 10 inches of man 10 calories it has per 8-ounce serving, which is one-fifth the calories in regular Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water. This is possible thanks to the foreskinned aforementioned Holy Trinity of group of natural sweeteners.

Focus, young Padawan.

While the Truvia-sweetened version has one-fifth of the calories found in regular XXX Vitamin Water, it also has about two-thirds of the flavor. So if you think regular Vitamin Water is too watery tasting, the lower calorie version will seem even more so with a weird aftertaste. Its color and smell also are lighter than the original version. I also wouldn’t recommend drinking it warm.

Yes. There you go. No sinful thoughts. No sinful thoughts.

…DAMMIT! I can’t take it anymore. FAIL.

The Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10 was good and it tasted how I expected it to taste, but it didn’t make me want to wrap my lips around its gloryhole and…(the copy here was taken out after it was deemed to be so extremely explicit it would make strippers blush and pornstars cheer).

Oh, me likey happy ending!

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 10 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of erythritol, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin C, 10% vitamin B3, 10% vitamin B6, 10% vitamin B12 and 10% vitamin B5.)

Item: Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10
Price: $1.49
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting when cold. Ten calories per serving. Good source of vitamin C. Decent source of B vitamins. Being able to express myself. Pomegrindin’.
Cons: Weird aftertaste. Tastes bad when warm. Taste not equivalent to regular XXX Vitamin Water. Uses three types of sweeteners. Contains only 1% juice. Trying to write a normal review.

REVIEW: Bawls Guarana G33K B33R

Aww shit! Bawls Guarana G33K B33R is here.
Raise your bumped glass bottle and cheer.
If you’re with a friend, make your bottles clink.
It takes a real geek to handle this drink.

[Interlude 1]
How do you know if you’re a real geek? Well here’s a little test.
Let’s see if you answer any of the questions with a “yes.”

Do you talk trash to 12-year-olds while in Halo combat?
Can you recite Jabba the Hutt’s lines at a drop of a hat?
Do you open up MS-DOS on a 486 to reminisce?
Does construction with Legos give you orgasmic bliss?
Do you have every episode of BattleBots on VHS tapes?
Does your closet contain Batman’s utility belt and cape?
Does your computer case glow with colored LED lights?
Do you download shit thru BitTorrent by the gigabytes?
Do you subscribe and read Slashdot’s RSS feed?
Do you dress up in cosplay before you do the deed?

[Interlude 2]
You don’t do any of those things? Shhhhiiiit.
Well here are a few others G33K B33R is meant for.

Does the name “Caprica” make your naughty parts tingle?
Can you play on your wind instrument the X-Files jingle?
When you roll, do you only do it with a 12-sided die?
Did the trailer for the G.I. Joe movie make you cry?
Do you get hard playing Risk when you takeover lands?
Can you display the Vulcan salute with both hands?
In Borders, do you flip through books with dragons on the cover?
Did someone break up with you because you’re a WoW lover?
Do you call the Lord of the Rings toys on your shelf figurines?
Does Lara Croft sometimes end up in your wet dreams?

[Interlude 3]
Well then, maybe G33K B33R isn’t for you.
So here’s what you’re missing.

The caffeine in Bawls G33K B33R makes it like root beer on ‘roid
I like this tasty beverage as much as Michael Jackson loves little boys.
It gives me a kick but not as hard as other energy drinks I’ve tried.
The high fructose corn syrup it contains makes me sad inside.
Its low carbonation makes it easy to drink and doesn’t tickle my ‘stache.
Bawls Guarana G33K B33R makes cheap root beers taste like ass.
It’s got a little bite, but no bitterness from the guarana can be found.
Cuz it’s only ten ounces I can’t pour one out when a homie goes down.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams potassium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 36 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Bawls G33K B33R
Price: FREE
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Sent by Twitter pal Jokeyhaha
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty root beer flavor. Low carbonation makes it easy to drink and doesn’t tickle my ‘stache. No bitterness from guarana. Bottle looks like a sex toy. Trailer for G.I. Joe movie. BattleBots.
Cons: Didn’t give me a kick as hard as other energy drinks. Contains only 10 ounces. High fructose corn syrup. Bottle looks like a sex toy.

REVIEW: Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries

Nature's Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries

Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries

Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries

Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Cherry Stripe Fristed Toaster Pastries

Nature’s Path Organ Cherry Chocolate Chripes Strosted Choaster Tastries

Nature’s Path Organ Sherry Chocholate Chripes Strosted Chocho Tas???

Oh! Hello there. I was just trying to say Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries five times in a row as fast as I can. As you can see, it’s quite the tongue twister and now my dreams of becoming an auctioneer have been crushed under the nine words that make up the name of this product.

Oh, I’ve let you down, Mr. John Moschitta Jr.!

The Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries, which I will call NPOCCSFTP for short, is the latest Pop-Tart lookalike from the organic foods manufacturer. The combination of tart cherries and sweet chocolate is a flavor that’s usually found in the candy clusterfuck known as a Whitman’s Sampler, whose multitude of choices has turned me over the years into an indecisive moron. I’m not too fond of the cherry/chocolate combo due to the number of times I’ve wrongfully picked the very tart cherry-filled Whitman’s chocolate, which my mother forced me to eat since I already touched it.

Because of my dislike for the cherry/chocolate combination, I didn’t have high expectations for the NPOCCSFTP, but Nature’s Path made the combination much more palatable than Whitman’s. The organic cherries didn’t overpower the organic chocolate, instead they blended well together because the cherries weren’t too sour. There’s also a little organic pomegranate juice, which I’m surprised didn’t enhance the sourness of the filling. Inside the pastry, the two fillings were supposed to be in alternating stripes, but because they’re both dark in color it’s like two bikini-clad girls in a filthy mud wrestling match where you can’t tell who’s who.

The crust had a grainy texture to it, just like the other Nature’s Path toaster pastry I tried. It’s also a little darker than the other one, so I’m wondering if there’s chocolate baked into it. It toasted up nicely, giving the pastry a nice crunchiness. The dirty white coloring of the frosting was a little off-putting since I demand my white toaster pastry frosting to be brighter than my smile.

Overall, the NPOCCSFTP was better than I thought it was going to be, but I can see people not enjoying it because of the cherry and chocolate combination. Nature’s Path Toaster Pastries are a good alternative, albeit a bit more expensive, for Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts. If you care about eating organic foods, then this would be an obvious choice. But if you don’t care about organic foods and you like toaster pastries with simple, short names like Kellogg’s Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts, then the NPOCCSFTP is probably not the product for you.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Nature’s Path Organic Cherry Chocolate Stripes Frosted Toaster Pastries
Price: FREE
Size: 6 pastries
Purchased at: Given by PR Firm
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent cherry/chocolate flavor. Cherry wasn’t overpowering. USDA organic certified. Vegetarian. Uses fair traded ingredients. Mud wrestling.
Cons: Cherry/chocolate flavor might be a turnoff for some. Same nutritional values as a regular Pop-Tart. Only six in a box and pricier than Pop-Tarts. Could make out the stripes in the filling. Off white frosting was a little off-putting. Long name.

REVIEW: Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo

As some of you know, I have a tendency to do things with the sexy, curvy bottles from the eco-friendly personal care and home cleaning product company Method that in all human cases would force me to have to register as a sex offender.

I will admit that I’m a little too friendly with them and I’ve been seeking help for it, but I would’ve never thought I’d find help in the form of a Method product bottle. The Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo is the first Method product that I have no desire to be playful with or to rub gently between my thighs, even though the toy-shaped bottle looks like it has a huge mouth waiting for something huge to fill it.

The bottle is curvy like most Method products, but it’s not a sexy curvy. It’s more like a cute curvy and I don’t feel comfortable fondling something the reminds me of my childhood friend, Totoro. So like Nicorette gum eventually weans people off of cigarettes, this cute, but not sexy bottle is slowly getting rid of my desire to molest other Method bottles.

The Method Kid Squeaky Clean Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 is a tear-free shampoo, conditioner and body wash all wrapped into a bottle that I don’t want to touch in a way that makes it feel uncomfortable. The orange cream colored product inside has a consistency that’s a little more watery than most shampoos and body washes and it also doesn’t lather up as much. It’s 99% natural, hypo-allergenic and it’s never been tested on animals.

Its scent didn’t smell very peachy at first, instead it was a little more tropical, like a pina colada. So if your kid likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. If they’re not into yoga. If they have half-a-brain. If they’d like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape. Then this product is the love that they’ve looked for. Pick it up and escape.

The best part of the Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo is the way it doles out its product. Its dispensing mechanism is on the bottom of the bottle and it doesn’t need a cap, because it has been engineered to have the leak prevention power of well Kegel exercised muscles on steroids. Or a more appropriate way to explain it, since where it’s dispensed is located at the bottom of the toy character-shaped bottle and between its legs, would be to say that it’s like an asshole (and I’m talking anatomical not Christian Bale). This bit of technology, I assume, makes it easier for parents to wash their little children because they don’t have to worry about flipping bottle tops or anything bothersome like that.

If I had a kid, I would probably pick up Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo because I would only need one product to clean my kid, I can use the fun-shaped bottle to entertain him or her, it’s 99% natural, it’s hypo-allergenic and it would help prevent me from fondling the Method hand soap bottle next to the sink.

Item: Method Kid Squeaky Green Fuzzy Peach 3-in-1 Shampoo
Price: $7.49
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A body wash, shampoo and conditioner all in one. Nice tropical scent. 99% natural. Hypo-allergenic. Really cool dispensing mechanism. Kegel exercises.
Cons: Doesn’t smell peachy at first. Kind of pricey. Doesn’t lather up very well. Watery than most body washes and shampoos. My problem with fondling Method bottles.