Category: Reviews

Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Gold

Marvo 20 Comments

If you want your kid to succeed, because you weren’t athletic, talented, pretty, or smart enough to be successful when you were growing up, then Frosted Flakes Gold cereal just might be what your kids need to give you the opportunity to live vicariously through them. According to the box, the crunchy flakes made with whole grain and baked with honey is supposed to provide long-lasting energy, a label usually reserved for energy drinks and wang medications.

With a name like Frosted Flakes Gold, I was hoping that there would be gold in the box, like the gold flakes in Goldschlager. Despite my extensive digging, I couldn’t find any gold, not even with the help of Heather Mills. The only thing shiny about the cereal was the box it came in, which had a foil exterior.

Frosted Flakes Gold cereal smelled like Golden Grahams cereal and it tasted like store-brand lite pancake syrup, which actually isn’t bad compared with this cereal’s predecessor, the shitastic Kellogg’s Tiger Power. After eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes Gold cereal every morning for a week, I have to say that I didn’t feel like it was giving me long-lasting energy. If the high fructose corn syrup it in was replaced with caffeine or meth, it would probably give me two to three hours of lasting energy, followed by some downtime or my mouth wrapped around things it shouldn’t be wrapped around.

I’m not a parent, but what I’ve learned from watching “I Know My Kid’s A Star” is that children don’t need special whole grain cereals that’s promoted by a cartoon tiger in order to be successful. All they need are parents who are crazy enough to stab someone in the back for their child, demanding enough to cause their children to turn to alcohol before they can drive, and shameless enough to have their child be a part of a reality show on VH1 with Danny Bonaduce.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 110 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 14 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a whole lot of vitamins and nutrients.)

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Gold
Price: $6.59 (16.9-ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Fancy shiny box. Decent tasting. Tastes like lite pancake syrup. Smells like Golden Grahams. 3 grams of fiber per serving. Better than Tiger Power cereal. Selma Hayek’s va-jay-jay.
Cons: High Fructose Corn Syrup. Doesn’t seem to give me long-lasting energy. The parents on “I Know My Kid’s A Star.” Couldn’t find gold with Heather Mills’ help. Wrapping my mouth around things it shouldn’t be wrapped around.

Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake

Marvo 21 Comments

Kona Coffee is known worldwide as one of the best varieties of coffee. To reach that level of excellence, you may think there’s something special about the town of Kona, like it’s a magical place where coffee beans rain down from the sky and the wonderful smell of coffee lingers like the aroma of urine in every public stairwell.

You may think the beans are collected by little men called Menehune who come out of their tiny grass huts at night and each bean is carried on a donkey-shaped cloud to a magic grinder that uses the bones of unicorns to turn the coffee beans into a fine dust for the world to enjoy. Sadly, I’m here to let you know that Kona is not the magical coffee heaven on Earth that you may think. Kona is just like most towns.

There’s a Wal-Mart, Kmart, multiplex movie theater, Costco, Home Depot, Borders, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company restaurant, Hard Rock Cafe, a couple of Starbucks, a variety of national fast food restaurants, and there used to be a shitty Sizzler. Also, the coffee isn’t picked up by Menehune, it’s picked off of trees by Filipino immigrants.

So what makes Kona Coffee good?

I don’t know, but whatever it is I wished the new Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake had some of it. I’m a big fan of Jack’s Oreo Shake, which I order whenever I want to add a second chin or another dimple on my ass, but I don’t feel the same way about this creamy coffee-flavored milkshake. The coffee flavor was noticeable, but not strong enough for those who have Starbucks flowing through their veins. I didn’t really think it tasted like Kona Coffee, but it did taste like all the faux Kona Coffee products I’ve tried over the years.

Another problem I had with the Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake was its thickness. I couldn’t get that thickness into my mouth, not even with my vacuum-like oral sucking skillz. I sucked and sucked, but it was hard to get the creamy goodness into my mouth. After awhile, all that sucking just made my mouth sore and I waited for that thickness to get soft before I tried sucking it again. When it did get soft, I was able to suck it dry.

But I really wished I also had the option to spoon the Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake.

Item: Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake
Price: $3.09 (regular-sized)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mah oral sucking skillz. Cool. Creamy. If you like the fake Kona Coffee taste, you’ll like this. Jack in the Box Oreo Shake. Costco. Real Kona Coffee. Spooning.
Cons: Coffee flavor was light. The aroma of urine in every public stairwell. Thickness of milkshake was a little too thick for my mouth. Kona is not a magical place.

REVIEW: Snapple Antioxidant Water

Marvo 14 Comments

With each having their own color and special power, I was hoping these five flavors of Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water would combine to form a huge robot, like Voltron: Defender of the Universe or the >Mighty Morphin Power Ranger’s Megazord.

Despite dressing up like King Zarkon from the Planet Doom and throwing other plastic bottles into the trash, instead of recycling them, the Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water plastic bottles did nothing to stop my evil ways.

Although Captain Planet did appear and attacked me while saying, “I’ve found another use for these bottles and that’s to kick your ass with them.”

The Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water comes in seven flavors, but I was only able to try five of them: Grape Pomegranate, Agave Melon, Strawberry Acai, Orange Starfruit, and Tropical Mango. According to the labels, they all have the power to do something beyond quenching a thirst.

Grape seed extract in the Grape Pomegranate has the power to defy, electrolytes in the Agave Melon has the power to restore, 60 milligrams of caffeine in the Strawberry Acai has the power to awaken, while Vitamin C in the Orange Starfruit and Tropical Mango have the power to protect.

Oh, if only one of them had the power of telekinesis or the power to sober.

Every flavor I tried was good. My two favorite flavors were the unusual tasting Agave Melon and the Strawberry Acai. Overall, they seemed a little less watered down than Glaceau’s Vitamin Water, despite their sugar content being about the same at about 30 grams per bottle. Speaking about similarities with Vitamin Water, the Snapple Vitamin Antioxidant Water also has semi-witty writing on its label, they don’t contain high-fructose corn syrup, and of course, they can’t form into a gigantic robot to fight evil.

Item: Snapple Antioxidant Water
Price: 99 cents each (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: All the flavors I tried tasted good. Agave Melon and Strawberry Acai were my favorites. Vitamins A & E. Less watered down taste than Vitamin Water. Electrolytes. No high-fructose corn syrup. Strawberry Acai flavor has 60 milligrams of caffeine.
Cons: Vitamin Water copycat, even includes semi-witty copy on label. Can’t combine to form gigantic robot to fight evil. None has the ability to sober. Getting your ass kicked by Captain Planet.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Cap’n Crunch Shake

Ace 24 Comments

In perhaps the most random pairing since Dennis Rodman and Jean-Claude Van Damme in the horrible action flick Double Team, Carl’s Jr. and Cap’n Crunch have come together to deliver an ice cream shake that can satisfy any dairy craving. But why Cap’n Crunch? Is he not one of the lamest of all cereal mascots? Is the Lucky Charms leprechaun strung out on acid? Has the Trix rabbit finally ended his agony by murdering all the children that have tormented him?

I would hope not, but it is a rather curious choice. Cap’n Crunch has been laying low for the past several years, presumably shamed by the negative media attention he has received. First, his cereal was accused of cutting the roofs of people’s mouths, then Chris Rock compares him to Michael Jackson. His last appearance was a cameo on Family Guy where we discover that he had put a hit out on Count Chocula for spreading the mouth laceration rumor.

Whatever the reason for his disappearance, the Cap’n is back in milkshake form. After I tasted the ultra-thick shake, I realized why Cap’n Crunch is surprisingly delicious, especially when it’s blended and you don’t have to eat it in fear. You get a shake that is mostly ice cream and topped with a good amount of whipped cream. This is essential for me because I like to do that sexy tongue thing with the whipped cream, making this a perfect date dessert.

However, you probably won’t be able to enjoy this as you’re commuting. The cereal bits can easily clog the straw and make consumption-on-the-go pretty much impossible. Ask for a spoon if you’re planning on enjoying it. Even without the cereal, it’s still too thick to suck down.

That’s what she said.

Another downside is that even though it doesn’t taste ridiculously sweet, this thing is packed with 79 grams of sugar. It also has 35 grams of fat, a fact that Jared from Subway is sure to be shoving in your face during his next commercial. It’s probably a good idea to split this one, seeing as it has enough fat and sugar to kill a small child. It would be a pleasant and painless death, but one that the Cap’n probably wouldn’t want to be held liable for.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 Shake – 740 calories, 35 grams of fat, 24 grams of saturated fat, 100 mg of cholesterol, 320mg sodium, 94 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 79 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Cap’n Crunch Shake
Price: FREE from the Carl’s Jr. PR peeps (retails for $3.09)
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Blended cereal and ice cream taste surprisingly good together. Won’t cut the roof of your mouth. Even with all the sugar, doesn’t taste too sweet. That sexy thing I do with whipped cream.
Cons: Cap’n Crunch is a pretty lame mascot. The movie Double Team. Jared from Subway’s condescending attitude. Nearly impossible to drink through the straw. Enough fat and sugar to kill small children.

REVIEW: Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper

Marvo 32 Comments

Like a young woman who does not understand why she got so excited while watching Brooke Shields in the movie “Blue Lagoon,” I am confused about my feelings towards the Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. Half of me thinks that this unusual tasting soda is good, but the other half of me thinks that if you drink too much of this shit it gets kind of fucking nasty.

Some of the best diet sodas I’ve poured down my gullet have been concocted by Dr. Pepper, like Berries & Cream Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, and of course, regular Diet Dr. Pepper.

I may not truly know how I feel about this chocolatey variation, but just like any post-Ricky Martin Menudo lineup, I do know that it is not as good as any of its predecessors.

Just like the living arrangements in the TV show “Three’s Company,” the combination of cherry, chocolate, and Diet Dr. Pepper seemed like it would make for a good threesome, but as I wrote earlier, the Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper has an unusual taste.

The chocolate flavor stands out, but it is a weird chocolate flavor that doesn’t bring back my memories of Yoo-Hoo, Chocolate Soldier, or that night with Hershey’s syrup and plastic sheets. Overall, I think it tastes like a maraschino cherry, which I enjoy and are usually found on ice cream sundaes, milkshakes, or in my mouth as I try to impress the ladies with my ability to tie its stem with my proficient tongue.

I thought it had a very sweet and syrupy taste, despite not having any sugar in it. It was a little too sweet for my liking and I couldn’t drink an entire bottle in one sitting without getting a little sick, but I liked the initial sips I took, which are the reasons why I’m torn about the Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. I don’t know whether I should love it, leave it, or wait until it goes away since it is a limited edition soda.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbs, 0 grams of protein, 28 milligrams of caffeine, and limited nutritional facts)

Item: Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper
Price: 99 cents (20 ounces)
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Unusual taste. I like it in small doses. Zero calories. Zero grams of fat. Zero carbs. Threesomes.
Cons: Not a significant source of any other nutrients. Unusual chocolate flavor. Too sweet and syrupy for my tastes. Too much of it made me a little sick. Not as good as other Diet Dr. Pepper variations. Post-Ricky Martin Menudo.