Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Jimmy Dean Blueberry Pancakes & Sausage Minis

Marvo 20 Comments

Jimmy Dean Blueberry Pancakes & Sausage Minis 1

Its blueberry pancake batter covering makes the Jimmy Dean Blueberry Pancakes & Sausage Minis look like tiny, diseased Russet potatoes, but that’s not what’s most disturbing about this product. The color of the pancake’s interior, which is an infected purple shade that’s only seen by Bret Michaels’ urologist, is also not the most troubling attribute of this product.

What’s most disturbing about the Jimmy Dean Blueberry Pancakes & Sausage Minis is the demented mind it came from, which could be responsible for 98 percent of the monstrosities found on the blog This Is Why You’re Fat>. I would be afraid of meeting this unbalanced mind for fear of becoming just another ingredient that circles around its head like pink elephants around Dumbo’s. This mind has no shame, no conscience and no sense of what’s right and wrong, but that’s the kind of mindset one must have to come up with sausages dipped in blueberry pancake batter and then deep fried to a golden Russet potato brown.

Although I’m surprised they weren’t wrapped in bacon, folded into an omelette, covered with shredded cheese, wrapped in soft tortilla, deep fried again to a golden Russet potato brown and served in a pool of melted butter.

My colleague, Ace, didn’t care for the original version of this product, which he said, and I quote, “I was rewarded with a saccharine, crispy shell of batter surrounding a fine piece of ground rubber. As you could probably imagine, I quickly grew weary of this mysterious rubber sausage and went to the local Pep Boys to inquire about its recycled value.”

Jimmy Dean Blueberry Pancakes & Sausage Minis 2

My feelings about the blueberrified version were different. While warming them up, an artificial, yet pleasing, blueberry smell filled the room. When they were done, I enjoyed them without syrup. The sweetness of the blueberry pancakes definitely enhanced the flavor of the sausage, creating the popular sweet and salty dynamic that food and porn companies can’t get enough of. I also tried them with syrup, but didn’t enjoy them as much. Looking at the diseased purple pancake interior also made me not enjoy them as much, so I’d recommend not looking at it or wearing something over your eyes.

I did enjoy the Jimmy Dean Blueberry Pancakes & Sausage Minis, although I don’t know if I truly liked them or if the guilt of disliking every single Jimmy Dean product we’ve reviewed is getting to my taste buds or if I’m afraid of what the demented mind that spawned this product would do to me if I didn’t enjoy them.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 pieces – 260 calories, 18 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 470 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 2% Calcium and 4% Iron.)

Item: Jimmy Dean Blueberry Pancakes & Sausage Minis
Price: $3.89 (on sale)
Size: 10 pack
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice combination of sweet and salty. Produced an artificial, yet pleasant, blueberry scent when being warmed up. Blueberry pancake coating enhanced the flavor of the sausage. No trans fat. Can be microwaved. It could’ve been much worse, but wasn’t.
Cons: Exterior looked like a diseased Russet potato. Interior’s color looked like the infected wang of a groupie-hungry rock star. High in saturated fat. The demented mind who came up with this product.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts

Marvo 17 Comments

chocobananapoptarts.jpg

The banana split is a highlight of American dessert ingenuity and the ultimate dessert for those who want to give a big middle finger and a loud “fuck it” to their diets.

A classic version of this ice cream dessert includes scoops of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream placed in single file on a banana that’s been split in half and topped with chocolate syrup, nuts, whipped cream and maraschino cherries.

The regret and possible diarrhea comes separately.

Although meant for two people, banana splits are usually eaten by 12-year-olds on their birthday or whenever their parents are sick and tired of their corpulent 12-year old’s whining for one. Kellogg’s has taken selected flavors from the beloved banana split and compacted them into a svelte toaster pastry form with their Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts.

I’ve always thought of Pop-Tarts as part of a complete breakfast, but the Pop-Tarts trend of introducing ice cream-related flavors over the years has confused me because I don’t know if it’s appropriate to eat them for breakfast. Just like drinking a malt liquor at the crack of dawn or poppin’ a cap at daybreak, it feels a little weird eating Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts, Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts or Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts to help jump start my day. Until Kellogg’s tells me something otherwise, I’ll continue to eat their toaster pastries in the A.M. only.

The Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts filling is made up of alternating chocolate and banana stripes, but the strong flavor of the white banana stripes overwhelms the brown chocolate stripes. If you hate products that have a weird artificial banana taste and smell, you should avoid these Pop-Tarts. I personally like weird artificial banana tasting products and these Pop-Tarts weren’t bad, but they definitely aren’t anywhere near the top of my list of favorite Pop-Tarts flavors.

The Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts may not be a highlight of Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts ingenuity, but they do have the ability to temporarily silence a corpulent 12-year-old’s whining.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 8 pack
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting because I like weird artificial banana tasting products. Contains vitamins and minerals. Ability to temporarily silence a rotund 12-year-old’s whining. American ingenuity. USA! USA! USA! Real banana splits.
Cons: Artificial banana taste overwhelmed the chocolate. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Sprinkles don’t add anything. It feel weird eating desserts for breakfast. Eating a whole banana split by yourself.

REVIEW: SoBe Black and Blue Berry Lifewater with PureVia

Marvo 11 Comments

PureVia is the zero-calorie sugar replacement from PepsiCo made from a plant called stevia. A lot of people are talking about it like it’s the new, sexy stripper headlining every night at the club and it makes Splenda look like the 45-year-old hairy, mother-of-four stripper showing off her birthing canal during the least occupied hours at the strip club and using the stage name “Mama Mia.” The new SoBe Black and Blue Berry Lifewater is one of the few products currently sweetened with PureVia.

Oh. I should also mention that stevia-made sweeteners were once banned in the United States and is currently banned in Europe, Singapore and Hong Kong, but that won’t stop me from trying products made with stevia because I’ve consumed things much worse, like creamy alfredo ramen and David Caruso’s acting in CSI: Miami.

Since this particular SoBe Lifewater was blackberry and blueberry flavored I was hoping its taste would be so intense that it would beat my tongue black and blue, like it angered Chris Brown, but it had a mild berry flavor. Neither the blackberry nor the blueberry stood out.

It did have a slight grape-ish flavor, which might’ve been caused by the addition of grape seed extract or my desire to eat grapes at the time I was drinking it. While consuming this SoBe Lifewater I did notice something unusual about the beverage’s consistency, which felt slightly thicker than non-PureVia sweetened Lifewater, but I don’t know if the sugar substitute was the reason for it.

I found the flavor of the SoBe Black and Blue Berry Lifewater with PureVia to be pleasant and it didn’t seem to have any weird aftertaste usually found with artificially sweetened beverages. With zero calories, no sugar, 100% of my daily recommended allowance of Vitamin C and a nice flavor, it’s a beverage I would probably drink again. But unfortunately it isn’t strong enough to wash away David Caruso’s acting or the sight of a 45-year-old, well-used birthing canal.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 6 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 100% Vitamin C, 20% Vitamin E, 10% Niacin, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Vitamin B12, and 10% Pantothenic Acid.)

(Note: Gigi reviewed the Fuji Apple Pear version of the PureVia-sweeteneed Lifewater. Here’s another review of all the flavors.)

Item: SoBe Lifewater Black and Blue Berry with PureVia
Price: $1.19 (with coupon)
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant flavor. Grape-ish flavor. Zero calories. Zero sugar. 100% Vitamin C.
Cons: Odd slightly thick consistency. Getting Chris Brown mad. A 45-year-old hairy, mother-of-four stripper. David Caruso’s acting in CSI: Miami. Stevia sweeteners are banned in Europe, Singapore and Hong Kong.

REVIEW: Food Should Taste Good Tortilla Chips

Marvo 10 Comments

FoodShouldTasteGood chips (yes, that’s how it’s spelled and, yes, I did think about writing the entire review that way) aren’t the typical tortilla chips that you would find at a Super Bowl gathering, Mexican Potluck Day at work or at your quarterly swingers party. Their packaging and use of script fonts make them seem a little classier than that. Instead you might find them at a Westminster Dog Show party, a Hispanic Cultural Event or at your annual, invitation-only, anything-goes masquerade orgy.

These classy tortilla chips come in a variety of normal and f’ed-up flavors, shapes and colors: Multigrain, Buffalo (not shown), Jalapeno, The Works, Sweet Potato, Olive and Chocolate (yes, chocolate). The FoodShouldTasteGood chips seem to be a little more durable than their non-classy chip counterparts, making them perfect for dips, toppings and finger kickboxing demos.

FoodShouldTasteGood encourages you to try their chips with a variety of topping and has suggestions on the packaging. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to some of their recommendations, like hummus, goat cheese, feta cheese, roasted garlic salsa, white bean dip, guacamole and I just ran out of human souls. So I decided to try the chips nekkid.

Buffalo (not shown above) is made with cayenne pepper, vinegar and garlic. It had a flavor and color similar to buffalo wing sauces I’ve had in the past. There was a slight heat to it, but not enough that I had to reach for some celery and blue cheese dressing. I definitely enjoyed them, even if they had the highest sodium content among all the flavors, and I could see myself bringing a bag to the next big cricket match on the tele.

Chocolate is made with semi-sweet chocolate, Dutch chocolate and sea salt. Among all the flavors, this one was the most intriguing because it provided me the opportunity to eat two types of snack food in a chip that was so brown, it looked burnt. The salt was the first ingredient I tasted and that was soon followed by, after a couple of chews, a semi-sweet chocolate flavor. I was surprised by how well they turned out and the next time I go to an equestrian competition, I’ll make sure to bring some along with my ASTM-SEI-approved riding helmet.

Jalapeno is made with diced jalapeno peppers and crushed red peppers. The red-ish color of this chip reminded me of the taco shell used for the Taco Bell Volcano Taco and the devil that haunts my nightmares. It was not a spicy as the Buffalo one, but it did have a nice light jalapeno flavor that I would share at an upcoming Scrabble tournament.

Multigrain is baked with flax, sunflower and sesame seeds, oat fiber, brown rice, quinoa and soy. Out of all the flavors, this one tasted and looked the most like regular tortilla chips, but it also had a slight nutty flavor to it. I didn’t like these at first, but after eating more of it, I grew to like them and would probably take them to a bird watching event at the park to snack on and to attract birds.

Olive is made with black, green and Kalamata olives, garlic and sea salt. I really was hoping these chips would come in a dark green color or turn green if I made them mad, but they looked like normal tortilla chips. The olive flavor was noticeable, but not unpleasant and it wasn’t strong enough to make me want to break out the martini kit at the Oprah’s Book Club meeting I would probably take these to.

Sweet Potato is, obviously, baked with sweet potato that give the chips an orange hue, 20% of your daily recommended allowance of Vitamin A, and a good, light sweet potato taste. I was hoping they would have a stronger sweet potato taste, but I figured if they did they would have more sweet potato in them and then they would be considered potato chips, which would not be classy enough to bring to a game of polo.

The Works! is made with poppy and caraway seeds, minced garlic and onion. There were my least favorite among all the flavors. I don’t know if it was the poppy seeds, caraway seeds, or the fact that I don’t know what caraway seeds are, but whatever it was I couldn’t eat an entire bag and I couldn’t see myself offering these at my annual, invitation-only, anything-goes masquerade orgy

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – (varies between flavors) 140 calories, 6-7 grams of fat, 0.5-1 gram of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80-280 milligrams of sodium, 17-18 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 0-2 grams of sugar, and 2-3 grams of protein.)

(Note: Thanks to the folks at FoodShouldTasteGood for sending me their chips to sample.)

Item: FoodShouldTasteGood Tortilla Chips
Price: FREE
Size: 6-ounce & 1-ounce bags
Purchased at: Given by company.
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Buffalo)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chocolate)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Jalapeno)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Multigrain)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Olive)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Sweet Potato)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (The Works!)
Pros: Most of the flavors were tasty. Sturdy chips, perfect for dipping and finger kickboxing demos. All-natural. Certified Gluten-Free. No trans fats. Crunchy. Chocolate flavor was surprisingly good. Script fonts make them classy. Contains a decent amount of fiber.
Cons: I didn’t care for The Works! flavor. Buffalo flavor has a high sodium content. Might be difficult to find in stores. I ran out of human souls.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef

Marvo 31 Comments

I just want to make clear that the Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef and its other flavors are not part of some big conspiracy for Asian Domination.

Oh wait.

Why did I capitalize the D in “Domination”? It makes it look like a code name for something, which it is totally not. If I had typed “Operation Asian Domination,” and something cryptic along with it, like “All salamanders in apples need some Rogaine under leggy eyes,” then maybe it might look like all the Asians, except North Korea, are coming together to take over the world. But that IS NOT the case.

The Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef is just an easy-to-make dish and the eyebrows on the Hamburger Helper glove are not slanted eyes, his eyes are not nostrils, and his nose is not a gigantic zit. All you need is a pound of ground beef, 2 3/4 cups of hot water, and, of course, the ingredients contained in the box. Within 20 minutes, you’ll have a dish that native Mongolians will not recognize at all, because the Mongolian Beef dish is an American creation.

Betty Crocker is not trying to deceive you, just like Asians aren’t trying to swindle you by infiltrating various aspects of society to bring it crashing down two weeks from today. People love Jackie Chan, the number one golfer in the world is half-Asian, there’s a Korean on Grey’s Anatomy, my doppleganger is on CBS’s The Mentalist, there are Japanese players in Major League Baseball, Olivia Munn is half-Chinese, there are over a thousand Panda Express locations across the United States, Rob Schneider is half-Filipino, sushi and karaoke bars are all over, and many women learned a new Japanese word, Harajuku, but all of that does not equate to Asians wanting to rule the world and force everyone to drive fuel-efficient Toyota, Honda, Kia, or Hyundai cars two weeks from today.

Besides, how can the Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef be part of an Asian conspiracy to take over the world when it doesn’t taste Asian. It was all right tasting, but it tasted more like Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff than any Asian dish. The pasta noodles were gummy and the addition of freeze-dried peas and carrots seemed unnecessary since they didn’t add anything to the flavor.

So to all the non-Asians out there, you don’t have to worry about an Operation Asian Domination because it’s just silly to think Asians would want to take over the world. To all the Asians out there, All salamanders in apples need some Rogaine under leggy eyes, two weeks from today.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 cup prepared – 270 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 330 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar and 20 grams of protein.)

Item: Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef
Price: $3.50
Size: 6 ounces
Purchased at: Don Quijote
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting if you like Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff. Easy to make. Ready to eat in about 20 minutes. Two weeks from today. Olivia Munn.
Cons: Not Asian tasting. Noodles were gummy. Conspiracies that involve Asians wanting to take over the world. Not Mongolian. Freeze-dried peas and carrots were useless.