Allow me to get political for a second…

Don’t worry, I’ll try to toe (tow?) the line like a spineless coward.

Where are we at with the health administration discourse? Are these food dyes we devour every day really a crisis, or is eliminating them just a gimmicky distraction? Shocking to no one, I’ve heard both arguments.

I’m a little cynical. On one hand, it feels like an absolute bare minimum the food industry can do to pretend they’re feeding us “healthier” food. However, I also see no reason why synthetic food dyes and artificial flavors should exist if there’s even a 1% chance they’re harming us.

No matter your stance, Frito Lay has started the process for you. It’s begun phasing out synthetic food dyes and artificial flavors with a new Simply “NKD” line of snacks, because no one, and I mean NO ONE, likes Cheeto fingers.

That is my nonpartisan way of interpreting this.

Let’s stop arguing about things we should all agree on and focus our energy on real debates, like whether it’s “toe the line” or “tow the line,” because I’ve never been confident and couldn’t commit to either one. I’m sorry, I’m just a moderate on this issue.

“Chee-to the line.” There it is.

Do you like Cheetos Puffs? Well, hopefully you liked them for their flavor and not their color, because “NKD” might be the wave of the future.

Warning: nudity ahead, this review may be NSFW!

Cheetos are good and will remain good. I can’t say it any more simply … as these are technically “Simply” Cheetos, which I didn’t even know still existed. I thought that was the discontinued line that gave people gastrointestinal issues.

I reviewed the “NKD” Cheetos against regular old classic puffs, and honestly didn’t taste much of a difference. It was minor, and that was comparing a regular Cheeto vs. a “Simply,” which is marketed as a “cleaner” cheese puff that uses “real” ingredients.

These are devoid of color but still have plenty of flavor. If anyone tells you there’s a big discrepancy, they’re just outraged by change. I think the NKD puffs taste just a little blander, and that’s the “Simply” of it all, as I don’t believe the orange dust was a flavor enhancer, but classics do “pop” with a tiny bit more long-lasting flavor.

If this is how we have to enjoy Cheetos moving forward, we’re gonna be fine. We’ll heal, hopefully together.

I like the puffs, but I don’t love the branding. I can’t help but feel like the bag is designed to trick people into thinking they’re a fancy health food. Don’t slack off on your diet, just because they un-dye it.

Speaking of vibes, I hate the “we’re a hot new start-up” style name, “NKD!” Did they really need to remove the “a-e?” Maybe they’re just holding them back as an “i-o-u.” … and sometimes “y!”

It’s quite literally stripped down, unlike that very complex vowel joke.

Oh, and Chester Cheetah is nude on the bag. He goes by “Chest-hair Cheetah,” now.

Just kidding, that perv has always been naked.

These Cheetos may be a bit less dangerous, but they are, like my comedy stylings, still “dangerously cheesy.”

So, they’re a little less fun looking. Oh well. We’ll live… if the government lets us. Vote or Dye!

Purchased Price: $3.97
Size: 8 oz bag
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (13 pieces) 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 140 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of total sugars, 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 2 grams of protein.

There are pickle-flavored things EVERYWHERE.

In the same way that the early 2000s brought us bacon-flavored everything, it seems we’re in the middle of a pickle-flavored time period. Perhaps capitalizing on the TikTok trend of dipping a pickle into cream cheese and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, Frito Lay has recently launched Cheetos Crunchy Flamin’ Hot Dill Pickle.

Like its original Flamin’ Hot brethren, this snack is an enticing fire engine red color courtesy of Red 40 Lake and Yellow 6 Lake. I was half expecting to see little dill flakes here and there but my eyes didn’t pick up on any.

Although the bag provided a hefty waft of undeniable pickle scent upon opening, I couldn’t tell from the ingredient list if vinegar or dill were actually added or if they were swept up under the “Natural Flavors” or “Spices” ingredient declarations.

But WHOA, these do taste like pickles. The overwhelming flavor is brine-y vinegar with a lingering dill aftertaste. The heat from the Flamin’ Hot “cheetle” is absolutely in the mix as well. In fact, the vinegar flavor’s acidity and the heat compound on each other, which give these Flamin’ Hot Cheetos another sensory experience from the O.G. Flamin’ Hot. For many minutes after I was done eating, the tingling sensation of the spice hung on to my pallet, along with an intense dill and garlic flavor.

If I could make any critique at all, it would be that the brine and acidic flavors overpower any cheese flavor or dairy notes from getting through at all. This is a hot, zingy snack. There’s almost no detectable cheese. I’m saying this as someone who prefers the undeniably cheesy Flamin’ Hot Queso Ruffles. But that’s a personal preference.

Overall, I’d say Cheetos Crunchy Flamin’ Hot Dill Pickle really nailed a cultural moment on the nose. It successfully combined the expectations of Flamin’ Hot with the tang of a dill pickle brine.

Purchased Price: 2 for $7 (on sale)
Size: 8.5 oz bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (About 21 pieces) 150 Calories, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.

Cheese pizza-flavored Cheetos Puffs? Why not? I like Cheetos. I like pizza. Two great tastes that taste great together?

Kind of.

As soon as I opened the bag, I was walloped with the familiar scent of Cheetos, layered beneath a hint of tomato and a punch of basil.

Basil, you ask? Yep, I was equally as confused. Unless I’m ordering a margherita pizza, I don’t typically expect basil to be among the predominant flavors in my pizza, especially not a cheese pizza, which by its very nature is assumed to be pretty basic, right? And yet, its presence was undeniable. Basil just feels a bit too “fancy” for lack of a better term.

Appearance wise, these are puffy Cheetos, the same ones you’ve come to know and love… just a hint redder in their orange-ness. Never fear, though! They will leave your fingers equally cheese dusted.

And now for the part you’ve all been waiting for… how did they taste?

Exactly like they smell: Cheetos, with a hint of tomato and a heavy pinch of basil for some reason. The basil flavor really does steal the show, edging out the tomatoes and even the cheese to take center stage. Now, I don’t have anything against basil, but it really feels out of place here. Maybe if they’d been called Margherita Pizza Cheetos Puffs, or even just Pizza Cheetos Puffs, it wouldn’t seem so… wrong. I feel like calling them specifically “Cheese Pizza Cheetos Puffs” and featuring a slice of pizza on the bag with not a hint of green in sight misaligned my expectations.

I was hoping for a fond callback to my beloved Keebler Pizzarias Cheese Pizza flavored chips (RIP), instead I got some cheese, some tomato sauce, and a whole lotta basil to drown them out.

Purchased Price: $5.39
Size: 8 oz bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 150 calories, 10 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of total carbs, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of total sugar, and 2 grams of protein.