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REVIEW: Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime

June 24, 2013December 24, 2020 Jeff 6 Comments

Are we hitting the trough of the Latino flavors wave?

Not quite, but I think we’ve passed the crest because here we have Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime.

I’m fond of Wheat Thins, they’re more subtle than Triscuit and have more personality than saltine crackers. I’m also a fan of some of the flavored Wheat Thins and I love lime.

I love lime so much that when I was a child, I would gobble all the lime “gelatin gems” in those cheap variety cups before anyone could get them.

I even (drunkenly) threw a bag of Skittles out of my car when I realized they replaced lime with disgusting “green apple.” If I had to buy tortilla chips for some wet-ass salsa (all salsa sucks, by the way), I would opt for the Tostitos Hint of Lime.

So what’s not to love about these new Wheat Thins? The nutty flavor of Wheat Thins and the zesty slap of lime. Well, you know when you finally get together with a friend you recently rekindled via Facebook and you realize “What the hell? You’re nothing like your posts?!” Yeah, that’s kind of like these Wheat Thins.

I expected them taste like Wheat Thins with that powdery lime-zest those Tostitos have and they do, but it’s all wrong. First, the lime flavor is too faint because that nutty, almost roasted taste takes over the entire cracker.

Second, I tasted more of the lime zest by licking my finger and I hate people that lick their fingers. You can even see the green specks on the cracker that mislead you.

You taste the lime zest immediately, but it’s so quick that you would think Hangover III stayed on the minds of the public longer. The flavor doesn’t last because it mellows into an almost faint creaminess of garlic and then the familiar nutty taste ramjams your tongue like a terrible National Geographic video about wild animals in heat. RAMJAM!!!

The back of the box screams, “Taste the bold lime flavor.” There’s no way to say it, but that’s a lie and I don’t mean “That dress looks good on you” lie…I mean the “Mommy and Daddy will always love you” kind of lie. What a bunch of crap.

One look at the ingredients and it’s no wonder the lime flavor is as present as my parents when I was having an emotional breakdown. The ingredients list garlic powder, sour cream, and onion powder. It’s as if Nabisco wanted to really do something crazy like moon someone, but then they said, “How about we moon them with our pants on? And also instead of mooning, how about we just stick our tongues out? And instead of sticking our tongues out, let’s just ignore them and whistle loudly?”

The box actually has a sticker that states “People will swipe this.” I can only guess maybe in Russia where people are relegated to eating dark breads and dour potato dumplings. Okay not true, but you get the picture. Anyhow, it leads to a website called flavorprotection.com which is a site about protecting flavor and the joke falls flat. And if I’m speaking about a website, then that should be another indication of how blah these Wheat Thins are.

The only redeemable quality about Wheat Thins Lime is that they are just mediocre and won’t offend your tongue. The resident crunch and Wheat Thins taste are still present. You can’t beat them when they are topped with slices from the cheap rectangle shaped Monterey jack supermarket cheese. Well, you can, just buy normal Wheat Thins and eat those.

I guess my point is why do I have to enjoy a cracker by having to eat it with something else? I enjoy sitting on the couch, shoving my hands in a box of crackers as I leave specks of cracker dust on the remote and just eating them plainly. And does one really have time to mess with slicing cheese when Cheaters is on? By the way that new host Clark Gable III sucks.

Simply put, the lime/citrus zing is too weak, but if you like Wheat Thins in general…well, you could do worse…like replace Joey Greco.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 pieces – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 85 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime reviews:
Junk Food Guy
Yum Sugar

Item: Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime
Purchased Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 9 oz. box
Purchased at: Publix, where they don’t let you put “Go to hell Matt” on a cake you’ve ordered.
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The citrus zing hits you immediately. Lime skittles. The familiar nutty taste Wheat Thins have. The word “ramjam.” Wheat Thins are always crunchy. Joey Greco.
Cons: The citrus zing hits you immediately and then dies off just as quickly. The lime taste is faint. The box lies to you, there is no bold taste. Parents lie to you, there is no love. Clark Gable III.

REVIEW: Vanilla Chex Cereal

June 21, 2013August 14, 2023 Margaret 6 Comments

Like bricks, electricity, and duct tape, Chex is a multi-tasker.

It can be used as a breakfast, a snack, a party mix, or, in a pinch, Monopoly board pieces.

Its whole-grain-boosted carbohydrate energy has the capacity to sully forth good ideas, nourish lumberjacks in the woods, or provide the inspiration to bust out the Jock Jams and dance, dance, dance.

It is the chameleon of crunch, the gymnast of the three-ring-circus of cereal. Supposedly, it also makes a fine crust for fried chicken.

Fortunately, the folks at Chex have realized this proximity to perfection and embraced it, releasing a conglomeration of checkerboard-shaped cereals throughout its 76-year-old existence. Their newest iteration? Vanilla.

Frosted and unfrosted: these are the players of the Vanilla Chex game. The unfrosted Chex are of the rice variety, which is welcoming in its simple, one-note taste. The smidgeon of flavor it sustains is that of toasted rice (think Rice Krispies). While they may not hold much in the way of flavor, these unfrosted squares really succeed in crunch.

Their sturdy square shape provides a solid structure that maintains its shape in milk for 10-18 minutes (pending on your tolerance for milk-coated cereal) while the checkerboard holes give a quilted texture to your crunching experience. What’s better is that this unfrosted rice backdrop highlights the bespeckled bits of vanilla-coated Chex, which dot the canvas bowl like pink flamingos on a lawn.

In a world where birthday cakes are slathered with bleach-white frosting and starch-colored dairy dessert qualify as “vanilla”, it is easy to forget that vanilla is a spice and, thus, has the potential to add notes of honey, caramel, pineapple, clove, and, if the planets align just right, hints of bourbon.

Here, the folks at Chex are banking on the honey qualities of vanilla, a taste that provides the rice Chex with a little fructose kick, making it sweet enough for a snack/dessert without becoming too sweet for breakfast. Tasted alone, the frosted bits remind me of the no-cream-involved crème of an Oreo, adding a nice sugary crumble to the rice crunch. Sure, this may not be the vanilla of a Tahitian bean, but it goes splendid with chocolate milk.

Speaking of milk, might I mention how well suited these bits are for the creamy beverage? And not just regular ol’ dairy milk. I’m talking adventuresome milk. The kind of milk that broadens horizons: almond, soy, strawberry-banana-flavored, you name it. The vanilla sugar seeps down into the milk, leaving you with a honeyed, slightly nuttier version of said milk. It’s just enough of a shift in flavor to be noticeable without being aggressive (and really, who wants to eat aggression for breakfast?)

I’ve tried many iterations of gluten-free snacks that have been so dry and tasteless that they have entered my nightmares in the form of anthropomorphic Frankenstein-ian dry cookies. I’m relieved to report that this Vanilla Chex is one gluten-free snack that will not haunt my nightmares. In fact, it’s a pretty tasty spin on the classic without flipping the cereal on its backside. Basic, but not fuddy-duddy. Crunchy, but not mouth-shattering. Inoffensive, but flavory (which is a word, despite what my spell check says). Good show, Chex.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 120 calories, 15 calories from fat, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, Less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Vanilla Chex Cereal
Purchased Price: $3.29
Size: 13.5 oz. box
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. Crumbly vanilla coating. Vanilla bits reminiscent of Oreo crème. Not fuddy-duddy. Gluten free. Good as snack or breakfast. Broadening milk horizons. Nourished lumberjacks.
Cons: Could use more vanilla bits. Not necessarily revolutionary. “Flavory” is not accepted in my spell check. Memories of grocery store Birthday cake. Frankenstein cookie nightmares.

REVIEW: Nabisco Limited Edition Watermelon Oreo

June 20, 2013August 30, 2023 Jeff 11 Comments

When I first laid my eyes on Limited Edition Watermelon Oreo, I thought someone lost a bet at Nabisco.

Because, in my experience, the two most polarizing candy flavors in America seem to be strawberry and watermelon. People either like it or hate it, but I believe it’s even more prevalent with watermelon. I understand because the watermelon flavor has this overly sweet and slightly floral, if not perfumey, bouquet. I equate it to the way the too flowery Bombay Sapphire gin tastes…if that makes any sense. As you can tell, I fall on the side of disliking the flavor of watermelon candy. In any case, it’s definitely not mild in flavor and makes its presence known immediately.

To be honest, I bought these on a lark and to scratch my curiosity itch when I saw these sitting next to other Oreos. I had to do a double take when I saw these because it felt like I was in Japan with their Wonka-like snacks that Pocky only skims the surface of. I should also note that these are exclusive to Target, whose cool commercials have given exposure to countless indy bands. Thank you for making me look cool when I play my iTunes library.

The most obvious thing you will notice is the color of creamy jade colliding with an obnoxious fuschia-muppet pink. It’s supposed to remind you of a watermelon, but it looks like ghastly cheap icing on Walmart cupcakes or, at the very least, created by a pastry chef who has given up on life. It reminds me if Empire of the Sun redid the yin and yang symbol. By the way, their new album Ice on the Dune is better than their first one, trust me.

The creme is sandwiched between two vanilla Golden Oreo wafers which I love more than the original chocolate cookie. That probably puts me in the minority, which I don’t mind since I’m an actual minority. I’m guessing this watermelon flavor would not taste great with the slight bitterness of the chocolate cookie.

Upon ripping open that handy “Lift” tab, all I could smell was the rich scent of fresh vanilla baked cookies, which was pleasant. Before opening it, I was worried I would be hit by the cloying sugary wafts of fake watermelon, not unlike what cotton-candy machines spews out.

I ate the green/pink creme alone and it tasted close to the familiar watermelon flavored bubblegum. Fruity at first, then mellows out into a flowery sweetness. But here’s the surprise, the creme was not that sweet. That was a good thing because watermelon can overpower a great deal of things and the creme, dare I say, was actually a bit sophisticated.

Don’t get me wrong, you won’t be serving these to your rich, snobby aunt anytime soon but you won’t feel bad giving one to that anime-hipster you’ve been secretly pining for. The one with the vintage frames and short hair, and annoyingly holds two fingers up in every damn picture.

So I hesitated before taking a bite because the creme (not cream) was scary. However, I’m glad I did. The vanilla cookie not only muted the watermelon flavor, it actually brought out the deeper berry-like tones of the watermelon. The buttery vanilla enveloped itself around the fruit’s floral character and created a rich texture. The cookie does end with an exclamation of watermelon but that’s all right because the buttery vanilla lingers around to keep it at bay.

It’s akin to that sweet and salty thing but I wouldn’t go as far and say Nabisco created an umami Oreo. I am in disbelief because this Oreo succeeded when it shouldn’t. The cookie is actually refreshing and you feel deceptively light eating a few. However, you shouldn’t eat many because just two cookies have 150 calories and seven grams of fat.

Oh, and on that note, you’re going to want to eat a few at a time because the one negative I found is that the heavy sweetness stacks up in your mouth and basically neutralizes that subtle complexity after a while. My mouth has this syrupy coating on my tongue as I write this.

I won’t lie to you and say the Oreo has changed my mind on watermelon candies or that I would buy these again. However, this Oreo is like a Terrence Malick film. You have to experience that brilliance at least once but you can do without the repeat viewings.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugars, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Limited Edition Watermelon Oreo
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 15.23 oz. package
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: The cookie has an actually complex fruity flavor. The buttery richness of the vanilla cookie. The sweetness is well controlled. Empire of the Sun (the movie and the band). It actually refreshes the palette in a weird way. Nabisco having fun with these varieties. Tanqueray No. 10, it makes love to that dry vermouth.
Cons: The sugary taste gets heavy if you eat too many. Only available at Target (for the 12 of you that don’t live near one). Baked goods from Walmart. I’ll never get Blueberry Oreos. Bombay Sapphire, it will kill your martini.

REVIEW: Banana Drizzled With Dark Fudge Newtons Fruit Thins

June 19, 2013July 19, 2023 Marvo 8 Comments

At a quick glance, these Banana Drizzled With Dark Fudge Newtons Fruit Thins look like Keebler Fudge Stripes cookies that were made by a drunk Keebler elf who turned to the bottle to help him cope with the fact that he works and lives in the same tree.

Or maybe these Banana Drizzled With Dark Fudge Newtons Fruit Thins were made by a former Keebler elf who got tired of squeezing the straight lines of fudge on each Keebler Fudge Stripes cookie.

All right, no elves produced these crispy cookies and they were made by a multi-million dollar machine in a huge factory somewhere. But, damn, I wish I was your lover…oh sorry, that Sophie B. Hawkins song has been showing up a lot in my 90s Pandora station. I meant to say, damn, that multi-million dollar machine makes one mean cookie.

I don’t want to brag, but when Nabisco first introduced their Newtons Fruit Thins, I knew they would put out a banana version of their crispy cookie. Although, to be honest, I thought they would’ve paired the fruit with nuts and not dark fudge.

I mean, just imagine a banana with some nuts. Don’t you think that’s a great combination? It totally makes sense. And I thought my idea was better, but the more I ate these Newtons Fruit Thins the more I realized how stupid my banana and nut cookie idea was.

The dark fudge drizzle is what makes these light and crispy cookies so wonderful. Its mild sweetness complements the mild flavor of the cookie with dried banana pieces baked in. It’s a perfect balance that’s extremely toothsome. As a banana lover, I’m glad the fudge doesn’t overwhelm the banana and I’m also happy Nabisco didn’t go all fudge crazy and decide to dip these cookies completely into fudge, much like their Oreo Fudge Cremes.

However, at times, I thought the banana and fudge combination tasted much like a graham cracker, which I’m not sure is a bad thing.

While the fudge drizzle helps these cookies taste awesome, they also cause the cookies stick together in the packaging and make these Newtons Fruit Thins slightly less wholesome than their non-drizzled brethren. These Banana Drizzled With Dark Fudge Newtons Fruit Thins are made with real fruit and whole grains just like all the other Newtons Fruit Thins, but, thanks to the dark fudge, it has ten more calories, a gram more of saturated fat, and a gram more of sugar than the non-drizzled varieties.

Also, while I’m in the middle of pointing fingers at the fudge drizzle, I’d like to note that a package of these cookies weighs in at 8.75 ounces, while a package of the non-drizzled Newtons Fruit Thins is 10.5 ounces. So we’re getting less cookies. Cookie Monster would not approve.

However, those are minor issues that will be forgotten once you start stuffing your maw with these delicious Banana Drizzled With Dark Fudge Newtons Fruit Thins.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 cookies – 150 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 100 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Banana Drizzled With Dark Fudge Newtons Fruit Thins
Purchased Price: $3.68
Size: 8.75 oz.
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: These are awesome crispy cookies. Wonderful balance of banana and fudge. Fudge and banana combo is a much better idea than my banana and nut combo. Best tasting Newtons Fruit Thins flavor (thanks fudge). Contains whole grain and real fruit.
Cons: Slightly worse for you than regular Newtons Fruit Thins. No significant benefits from real fruit it contains. Less cookies than non-drizzled Newtons Fruit Thins. Fudge causes the cookies to stick together.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Nutty Caramel Swirl

June 18, 2013December 24, 2020 Drew 7 Comments

While these reviews are always a lot of fun to write, and hopefully slightly enjoyable to read as well, I want to be serious for a second. A few weeks ago, we found out my younger daughter is allergic to peanuts (and tree nuts, and sesame), culminating in a Mother’s Day trip to the emergency room. Fun! She’s perfectly fine — we’re learning what foods to buy and our house contains more adrenaline shots than the sets of Pulp Fiction and Crank combined — but it really caught us off guard. Between this and my older daughter getting a peanut stuck up her nose last year, I’m starting to think my ancestors owed George Washington Carver money or something.

Regardless, I mention this to explain why I was hesitant to pick up this new, peanut-y flavor of Ben & Jerry’s, exclusive to 7-Eleven. I could always keep it in the freezer at work, but it’s hard to write a review when you’re supposed to be… well, working. (Okay, it’s not HARD, but it’s frowned upon.)

Eventually I relented and brought it home, but I’ll say this: it’s a new experience to run out to the garage fridge every time I want to eat some ice cream, then make sure I wash my hands when I come back in. At least it’s summer; can you imagine me huddled out there in December, piteously lifting the spoon with shivering blue hands? Honestly, the lengths I theoretically might have gone to for you people.

Eschewing cutesy names like Karamel Sutra or I Wanna Dip My Malt Balls In It, this time B&J have elected to just tell you what it is: there’s nuts, there’s caramel, it’s swirled together. Transparency can be nice, though it feels a bit like watching a Michael Bay film titled “Stuff Blows Up and Also There’s a Pee Joke, Plus Boobs.” Maybe 7-Eleven stockholders hate puns, or possibly they just figured anyone making an impulse ice cream purchase while picking up a gallon of milk and some smokes wouldn’t properly appreciate clever wordplay.

Your loss, 7-Eleven.

As for the appearance, you’ve seen B&J’s cartons before, obviously. The most noticeable difference is that the little emblem denoting the ingredients to be Fair Trade has changed — before it kind of resembled a stick figure, now it looks like the logo to Sea World. Maybe the peanuts were harvested on the ocean floor or have been secretly replaced with kelp? Beyond that, the description promises nougat ice cream with peanuts, fudge flakes, and a salty caramel swirl. To put it mildly, that’s a lot to be getting on with. Your grandparents couldn’t find that many ingredients in an entire ice cream parlor, and B&J have crammed it all into one flavor. How will that play out?

Rather well, as it turns out, though not without some flaws. The peanuts are instantly recognizable, and extra enjoyable since they’ll pretty much never be allowed in this house again. The nougat ice cream is very rich and sweet; I’m a nougat fan, and this definitely gets the job done. The fudge can likewise easily be detected, and it and the peanuts are present in impressive quantities.

So what didn’t I like? Well, either there isn’t much caramel or the fudge is serving to mask it, because it doesn’t completely disappear but can easily be lost in the shuffle. Likewise, you’re not going to be able to tell whether the swirl is salty or not, although the peanuts fill that niche anyway, so the end result in your mouth is basically the same. I guess if you’re reeeeally reaching, it can be a bit tough to chew at times, though I personally like the textural variety and it’s certainly not going to be breaking your jaw. And as I mentioned earlier, the sheer number of ingredients can make for a slightly schizophrenic taste experience, though certainly not an unpleasant one.

I feel like nearly every Ben & Jerry’s review wraps up nearly the same, but this is another winner for the boys from Vermont. I’m fairly certain I’d enjoy it even if I weren’t on peanut lockdown, but the “forbidden fruit” aspect certainly doesn’t hurt. Even if you’re able to eat peanuts all damn day, though, I’d still recommend you pick a pint up and try it for yourself… that is, if you can afford 7-Eleven’s absurdly high prices without breaking the bank.

(As a postscript, my wife adds that she called Ben & Jerry’s to see whether allergens would be a problem in a factory tour we may take on an upcoming vacation, and found them to be “insanely helpful.” They offered to comp us a pint of allergen-safe ice cream when everyone else gets a sample of the day so that our younger daughter doesn’t feel left out. I must say, that’s super cool of them.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 310 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of total fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 23 grams of sugars, and 6 grams of protein.)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Nutty Caramel Swirl
Purchased Price: $5.49. Five and a half freaking dollars!
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Illicit peanuts are the best peanuts. Full nougat flavor. You will not get bored eating this ice cream. Father’s Day night officially NOT spent in the ER.
Cons: Not quite enough caramel. Mother’s Day night in the ER. Price suggests every other carton is expected to be shoplifted. Unimaginative name. Bringing something potentially lethal to your child into the garage is not Father of the Year material.