Wendy’s just overtook Burger King to become the second largest burger chain in the US in terms of sales. So no longer can Burger King say, “First is the worst, second is the best, and third is the nerd with the hairy chest.”

However, Burger King can now say, “Number one tastes like piss, number two tastes like poop, and number three tastes like paradise.” Although, if humans evolve and we end up producing a third human waste, Burger King might want to drop down to number four.

What caused Burger King to lose their place as the distant runner-up to McDonald’s in the burger world? I’m no business analyst, but it might’ve been their advertising, which included the cold plastic eyes of The King. Or it could’ve been their chicken fries.

To turn their fortunes around and become a distant second to McDonald’s again, Burger King has introduced a number of McDonald’s-like products, such as their new fruit smoothies.

These smoothies are made using real fruit, low-fat yogurt, and ice, and come in two flavors, Strawberry Banana and Tropical Mango.

I didn’t get a chance to see how the smoothies were made, but I assume it’s the same process McDonald’s uses, which involves shooting ice and a smoothie mix that consists mostly of fruit puree into a blender, and then letting the blender’s blades do their magic.

If you’re curious to know what those smoothie mixes are made out of, continue reading this paragraph. If not, I would suggest skipping it, and continue reading after the “BOOYAH!” The strawberry banana smoothie mix is made up of banana puree, strawberry puree, sugar syrup, strawberry puree concentrate, water, concentrated grape juice, natural flavors, concentrated carrot juice, xanthan gum, pectin, guar gum, and CMC gum. The tropical mango smoothie mix consists of water, sugar syrup, concentrated grape juice, apple puree concentrate, concentrated pear juice, mango puree concentrate, concentrated pineapple juice, concentrated orange juice, concentrated apple juice, concentrated passion fruit juice, natural & artificial flavors, xanthan gum, pectin, guar gum, cellulose gum, beta carotene, and citric acid.

BOOYAH!

In order to help me prepare for when I have multiple children, I will pick a favorite between the two Burger King Smoothie flavors and then shower it with love and praise.

If you don’t have the bladder capacity to consume both smoothies in one sitting, I’d suggest purchasing the Tropical Mango flavor first, because it’s by far my favorite of the two.

Although it contains enough fruit varieties to qualify as a fruit stand (see paragraph before “BOOYAH!”), I mainly taste mango and orange. The mango, surprisingly, tastes fresh, while the orange tastes orangy. The Burger King Tropical Mango smoothie is quite tasty and a little toothachingly sweet, but I do think the McDonald’s Mango Pineapple Smoothie is slightly better and more tropical tasting.

As for the Burger King Strawberry Banana smoothie, the banana and strawberry flavors are equally balanced and I think it’s pleasant tasting, but it doesn’t make me yearn for another like the tropical mango does. Let me put it this way, the BK Tropical Mango Smoothie is fun, like chasing a rainbow after taking a few bong hits, while the BK Strawberry Banana Smoothie is adequate, like a Cup Noodles is for lunch.

To be honest, it’s nice to see a few more healthy-ish item in the sea of burgers and fried food otherwise known as the Burger King menu board. But will smoothies help Burger King retake second place in the fast food burger world?

(Nutrition Facts – small size/12 ounces – Strawberry Banana – 200 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 20 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 40 grams of sugar, and 1 grams of protein. Tropical Mango – 210 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 41 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Fruit Smoothies (Strawberry Banana and Tropical Mango)
Price: $2.99
Size: Small/12 ounces
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Strawberry Banana)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Tropical Mango)
Pros: Cool. Tropical Mango is tasty. Made with low-fat yogurt and real fruit (puree and juice). Doesn’t have 1,000 milligrams of sodium like Burger King’s other new menu items. Chasing rainbows after smoking weed.
Cons: Strawberry Banana is adequate. Tropical Mango is toothachingly sweet. Tropical Mango isn’t as good as McDonald’s counterpart. Bladders that can’t handle drinking two smoothies in a row. Picking a favorite child. The lifeless eyes of The King.

All things considered, there’s really nothing stranger than walking into a Burger King and getting green ketchup. Scratch that. On second thought, walking into a vintage 1950s decorated Burger King with booths shaped like cars and getting green ketchup, while staring at an obnoxiously large LCD menu board pulled from The Jetsons, might just qualify.

These oddities notwithstanding, my purchase of a salad at Burger King clearly puts this scenario in the realm of the SyFy channel.

Burger King, as you’re probably well aware, is attempting to revamp its menu to draw closer to a certain fast food giant which boasts a smiling clown as its spokesman. Ditching its previous botox-injected spokesman of questionable royal bloodlines, Burger King has also revamped its menu to diversify its offering. How diverse are we talking? Lets just say it includes drinks that rhyme with how I’d assume the French to pronounce “crappy,” as well as lettuce. Lots and lots of lettuce.

Seven kinds to be exact, which, along with a whole bunch of other fun vegetables, are offered in the new B.L.T. Garden Fresh Salad.

Putting on the man pants and ordering the $5.49 salad, I got the distinct impression that the staff of this particular Burger King doesn’t often prepare salads. I only say this because the girl taking my order had to check what exactly was in the salad when I asked her, and even after verification, presented me with a crouton packet, Caesar dressing, as well as a cup for soda — none of which should have been included in my order. Likewise, an essential component of the Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato acronym was missing, although five perfectly ripe and juicy grape tomatoes were delivered to me in an extra cup after half my salad was eaten and my own spelling shortcomings realized.

You’d think that after such an auspicious start I’d be loath to partake in this feast of classical “Health Halo” consequence, but in the interest of complete objectivity, I have to say it shows promise as permanent menu item. It starts with the chicken, which — while only offered to me in the grilled variety — had a seriously and none-to-fake chargrill taste. Moderately juicy and marinated in a lip-smacking glaze, it may have qualified as salty, but it didn’t come across as saline injected or overly enhanced.

The bacon, too, was quite good by fast food standards. Its thick and meaty with a dominant smoke flavor, although I’d prefer the pieces to have been reheated or freshly grilled, as to release some of that chewy fat into a glorious natural vinaigrette of bacon drippings. Such a scenario would have aided in the melting of these three-cheese blend, which while adding a moderate amount of flavor and salt, was otherwise just there.

I honestly was quite surprised in how much I enjoyed the dressing. Having only known one Ken in my life (the victim of childhood G.I. Joe raids on my sister’s Barbie gatherings) I didn’t know what to expect from Ken’s Avocado Ranch, but it manages to combine a fantastic buttermilk tang with a peppery and slightly sweet kick. While the 170 calories in a single pack won’t endear it to the diet crowd, it does serve its flavor purpose as a foil to the otherwise meaty and smokey overtones of the salad, which, after applying tomatoes, also received a hint of sweet relief to go with the buttery and bitter lettuce crunch. Were all seven lettuces present and accounted for? Well, having slept through most of my Plants in Civilization class during my senior year of college, I cannot verify this with absolute certainty. But there was clearly more than just iceberg, which for a dude buying a salad at Burger King is not half bad.

Clearly, Burger King has some work to do in the execution department of this salad. And while any review of a fast food salad begs the proverbial viability question in a market which can see me blow 500 calories for something cheaper and, to some extent, much more tasty, there is also something to be said for offering items that appeal to a larger audience. For the time being though, I’d make these suggestions:

1) Lighten up the dressing
2) Include more tomato
3) Get more from the red onions

If those three issues can be corrected then this salad is worth your time even if you’re not in the salad crowd. Heck, if the bacon can be rendered a bit further and served warm and crispy with fat drippings, then this salad is worth your time even if your definition of salad hereto now includes only the pickles and onions on your burger. But before any of this happens, Burger King has got to get its crews up to speed, and teach them to associate the “sculpted Roman head guy” with croutons, and the acronym B.L.T. with, among other things, tomatoes.

As for that interior decorating, I’ve seriously got nothing.

(Nutrition Facts – One salad with Tendergrill chicken and Avocado Ranch Dressing – 510 calories, 33 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 125 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,610 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of sugar, and 42 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Chicken B.L.T. Garden Fresh Salad
Price: $5.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly flavorful and juicy chicken. Smokey and thick-cut, ribbony bacon. Ken’s Avocado Ranch gives all Kens a good name. Cheese is slightly melty. Tomatoes had good sweetness. Protein power.
Cons: Costs more than one of those Chefy burgers. Total assembly failage. Having to correct people at their jobs. A buttload of salt. Where the hell did that trans fat come from? Five tomatoes is too little. Curios interior decorating.