REVIEW: One A Day VitaCraves Gummies

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These new One A Day VitaCraves Gummies come in fruit shapes, but I prefer my gummy multivitamins to come in bear form, so that I can tear them apart limb by limb and say, “That’s what you get for stealing my pic-a-nic basket” or “That’s what you get for scaring me and making me cry with your audio-animatronic versions when I watched the Country Bear Jamboree at Disneyland in 1984.”

On a daily basis I eat gummy bear multivitamins to get the vitamins and minerals I can’t get from a bag of Lays Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, a glazed doughnut and a Diet Pepsi Super Big Gulp because, I’ll admit, I have a hard time swallowing pills, even with a Diet Pepsi Super Big Gulp to help wash it down. But the gummy multivitamins I consume are meant for children and come in six great flavors. The One A Day VitaCraves are meant for adults and it only has three flavors: orange, cherry and some kind of blueberry/raspberry hybrid.

You might wondering if there are any other differences between the children’s gummy multivitamins and the VitaCraves. The VitaCraves are definitely more potent than their gummy bear counterparts, providing almost always twice the amount of vitamins and minerals, but the gummy bear multivitamins taste like normal gummy bears, while the VitaCraves have a slight bitterness to them, like regular vitamins.

Also, while the gummy bear multivitamins are really soft like a Trolli Gummi Bear, the VitaCraves are quite tough like Haribo Gummi Bears or the skin of someone who stays out in the sun for too long on a regular basis. But if you’re someone who has a hard time swallowing pills it’s still a decent choice.

While two One A Day VitaCraves Gummies provide me with 100% or more of my daily recommended intake of many vitamins and minerals, I think I’ll stick with my children’s gummy bear multivitamins because they taste better, are soft to chew and I can decapitate them with my teeth to get even with Teddy Ruxpin for ruining my cassette tape copy of “Sports” by Huey Lewis and the News.

(Supplement Facts – 2 gummies – 10 calories, 3 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 80% vitamin A, 100% vitamin C, 100% vitamin D, 133% vitamin E, 100% vitamin B6, 100% folic acid, 167% vitamin B12, 50% biotin, 100% pantothenic acid, 53% iodine, 33% zinc, 60 micrograms of choline and 40 micrograms of inositol.)

Item: One A Day VitaCraves Gummies
Price: $7.83
Size: 50 gummies
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Two gummies provide 100% or more of my daily recommended intake of many vitamins and minerals. Made for adults. Great for those who have trouble swallowing multivitamin pills. Decapitating gummy bears. “Sports” by Huey Lewis and the News.
Cons: Expensive for just 50 gummies, even though I bought it from Walmart. Not in bear form. Tough to chew. Slight bitterness. Only three flavors. Audio-animatronic bears.

REVIEW: Birds Eye Steamfresh Sweet & Spicy Chicken Meals for Two

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Like most children, I was picky when it came to food. I would bitch and moan if I found one tiny pea in my mother’s homemade beef stew, I would demand my sandwiches be cut in quarters and I would only eat raw vegetables. That selectiveness faded when I became a college student. My food qualifications have gone down significantly.

Don’t get me wrong, I still like to eat healthy, but if it’s a toss up between partying, books and gourmet food, I’m going to choose $2 You-Call-Its at the local sleazy establishment that always has some weird Willie Nelson look-alike in the back nursing Old Milwaukee over spending time preparing venison filets with a raspberry reduction.

Actually, I wouldn’t even know where to start when it comes to whipping up a meal, since my culinary expertise goes from grilling chicken breasts and steaks on my George Foreman grill to putting the right amount of water when making Easy Mac. However, learning how to cook is on my list of things I would like to accomplish. It’s pretty high up on the list since it is more useful than playing the didgeridoo.

Birds Eye Steamfresh Meals for Two masks somebody’s lack of cooking skills (all you do is toss it in the microwave for 10 minutes and open it up) when you need to impress the person you’ve been dating, because your Chemistry.com profile is built upon lies.

“Why, yes, I am Egyptian royalty, and I’m wonderful in the kitchen…and the bedroom…*meow*”

But if you do serve this meal as apart of a romantic dinner that includes box wine, paper plates, and suppressed memories about that summer you spent with your crazy uncle who bragged about being a roadie for Whitesnake, don’t be surprised by the confusing stares your date will be giving the plate because of the random ingredients tossed in there. It’s like whatever extra was around in the food lab was thrown in. Tomatoes and onions? Sure, they go with chicken and pasta. Olives? Some people like them, others don’t. Raisins? Did you say raisins? Well, they’re in there as well.

Maybe I’m stereotyping things, but when I hear Sweet & Spicy, Asian-inspired meals from a mall food court come to mind. But there’s nothing Asian about this dish. There’s a heck of a lot more spice (a.k.a red pepper) than sweet, which I enjoyed. I can’t really define an exact flavor for it, but it did remind me of something I had on an international flight once. (Airline Gourmet maybe?)

The rigatoni was perfectly al dente, the chicken was plentiful and there were a lot of raisins, which I guess could be the “sweet” part, but they really didn’t add much flavor. Instead they added a “What the hell is this? Oh, it’s a raisin” element, because the raisins became shriveled up brown things at the bottom of the bowl (even when tossed around). The serving size is just about right when you feel like you could eat, but if you haven’t had anything in your stomach all day except a packet of old peanut butter crackers you found in your desk, then you can easily eat both portions, pretend the meal never existed and order take-out when your date comes over.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 bag – 370 calories, 10 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 930 milligrams of sodium, 53 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 2% vitamin C, 6% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: Birds Eye Steamfresh Sweet & Spicy Chicken Meals for Two
Price: $6.75
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Market Basket
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Super easy to make. Pretending you know how to cook. Pretty healthy if you stick to the portion size. High in protein. The didgeridoo. Finding snacks that you didn’t know you had.
Cons: Random ingredients. Slightly misleading product name. Creepy old dudes at college bars. Waiting 10 minutes. Lots of sodium.

REVIEW: Hungry-Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich

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Hungry-Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich

How does Hungry-Man stay in business?

It’s one of those questions that no one knows the answer to, like why don’t the paparazzi’s cameras break after taking pictures of Paris Hilton’s vagina as she slides out of a car? There’s so much saturated fat and sodium in their foods that I wonder how they still have customers who are alive. Hungry-Man is the only brand that makes fast food restaurants say, “Ugh…you’re going to eat that shit?”

The numbers found in the nutrition facts of a Hungry-Man product read more like test scores than anything else. 81 percent saturated fat? That’s a B- in Heart Disease. You’re on your way to college. Oh wait, I read that wrong. I meant to say “collapse.” You scored a 1040 on your SAT test. Woo hoo! Oh wait, it’s 1040 milligrams on your SALT. The new Hungry-Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich continues the long tradition of Hungry-Man products by providing people with microwaveable meals that are full of saturated fat, sodium and regret.

I know what you’re thinking when you’re looking at the picture above. You think I should get that looked at by a physician, because it doesn’t look healthy. But that is not a growth, that is the Hungry-Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich. Stare at it. Let all of that disgustingness sink in. Let it haunt your nightmares.

Despite how horribly unhealthy Hungry Man products are, they also, I hate to admit, tend to be somewhat tasty, and that was the case with this big slab of ground Angus beef with cheese and a sesame seed bun. By fat…I mean, by far, this burger comes nowhere near the quality, no matter how crappy it is, of a fast food burger, but against other frozen burgers I’ve had, it’s good. The burger’s size is quite hefty and makes the Whopper seems a little small. As you can see in the disgusting picture above that will haunt you while you sleep, the Angus patty is thick and significantly bigger than the sesame seed bun.

The patty had a nice meaty flavor that was seasoned nicely and the cheese seemed like it was just there for decoration because it didn’t add any flavor. As for the bun, it was hard and chewy in most places, but for a microwaveable burger that is par for the course. All of this equate to a burger that provides 700 calories, 81 percent of your daily recommended allowance for saturated fat and 1040 milligrams of sodium.

Again, you can get a much better tasting burger at a fast food place, and maybe slightly healthier too. With some drive-thru windows open 24 hours, there’s really no excuse to purchase the Hungry-Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich, unless you really want to keep Hungry-Man in business.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 700 calories, 41 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 1040 milligrams of sodium, 55 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 29 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 6% vitamin C, 20% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: Hungry-Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Big ass patty. Decent tasting. One of the better frozen burgers I’ve had. 1/2 a pound of food. Great source of protein.
Cons: Bun was hard and chewy. 1/2 of your arteries will be clogged. 81% of your daily allowance of saturated fat. Useless addition of cheese. 1.5 grams of trans fat. You can get significantly better burgers at a fast food joint. The picture of it will haunt you in your sleep.

REVIEW: Beemans Gum

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Beemans Gum

Like the late great Anna Nicole Smith, I’m fond of old things, but unlike Miss Smith, the old things I enjoy does not include fossils of billionaire oil tycoons or expired bottles of TrimSpa found underneath a purple velvet sofa cushion that Bobby Trendy picked out while I thought I was Prince (Is it too soon for an Anna Nicole joke?).

Don’t get me wrong, modern technology is wonderful; where would this fine blog be without it? Maybe morse code or carrier pigeon reviews? But let’s step back for a moment; when young people would say “That’s the bee’s knees” instead of “That’s the shiznit.” A time when dapper young men would check out if a gal had nice gams instead of an ill nana, badonkadonk or fire crotch.

A time when Beemans Gum wasn’t considered old.

When was that? Let’s just say it’s older than your great-aunt Josie from Brooklyn. You know the one I’m talking about. The great-aunt that pinches your cheeks, thinks you’re still fifteen (even though you graduated medical school) and still has plastic on the sofa, because she believes FDR or the Pope might stop in for a cup of Sanka.

Actually, Beemans Gum is much, MUCH older.

Yet, even if it is ancient, its flavor is better than a lot of the latest chewing gums out there, which are in packaging that looks like it could be in an off-beat European home décor magazine. Originally it was a gum to aid in digestion and, to me, it tastes a little bit like Birch Beer. So what if the Beemans logo is plain and the packaging isn’t anything that will win design awards? It’s still so much fucking cooler (or “dandy” if it’s 1898) than modern chewing gums.

After doing some research on the product, I found out that Beemans Gum was considered lucky among pilots during the heyday of aviation. I guess Amelia Earhart wasn’t a fan of chewing gum (Is it too soon for an Amelia Earhart joke?).

Beemans and other nostalgic gums like Black Jack (which is amazing) and Clove have been released for public consumption every two years, and 2009 is one of those years. So I recommend picking up a pack before you actually need a time machine to go back to 2009 to get some. But then if that’s case, it would be worth it to go back to the turn of the century when it was cheaper, probably even tasted better and was widely available. Too bad us ladies won’t have the right to vote.

If you do go back, just don’t say, “Hey shawty, can I get yo digits?” to the nice girl in front of you, because just like if you did it in 2009, she would kick your ass.

Item: Beemans Gum
Price: 75 cents
Purchased at: Christmas Tree Shops
Size: 5 sticks
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly long lasting flavor. Early 20th Century slang. Not a fruit or mint gum. Aids in digestion. The first marketed chewing gum.
Cons: Only available for a limited time. Early 21st Century slang. Not knowing when it’s too soon to make jokes about celebrities. Horrible attempts that clueless men use to get a woman’s phone number. Plastic on furniture.

REVIEW: Hot Pockets Supreme Pizza Deep Dish Pizzeria

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Hot Pockets Supreme Pizza Deep Dish Pizzeria

Have you looked at a Hot Pocket, then looked at the nutritional facts and then thought to yourself, “Hey, there’s not enough calories and saturated fat in it, but I don’t want to eat two of them”?

If so, you’re in luck because the Hot Pockets Supreme Pizza Deep Dish Pizzeria is heavier than a regular Hot Pocket, but lighter than two. In order make this possible, they didn’t just make a regular Hot Pocket bigger, they made it round so it looks like the Hot Pockets version of a pot pie.

However, instead of being filled with turkey, peas, carrots and gravy, it’s filled with all of the goodness you would find on top of a supreme pizza: pepperoni, sausage, green and red peppers, olives, onions, mushrooms and reduced fat cheese. All of that filling makes it a little thicker than a regular Hot Pocket and its weight about one and three-fourths heavier.

On the front of this product’s box, it brags about how it’s a good source of calcium and contains seven essential vitamins and minerals, but as I mentioned at the beginning, it’s also a great source of saturated fat and sodium. So you’ll beat osteoporosis, but lose to hypertension and heart disease.

If you’ve had a pizza Hot Pocket before, and I’m sure almost all of you have whether you want to admit it or not, you’ll have an idea of what the Hot Pockets Supreme Pizza Deep Dish Pizzeria tastes like, because it just basically a Hot Pocket that’s round. The crust tasted the same and the filling had that familiar pizza flavor. I could pick out the flavors of the pepperoni, sausage, peppers and olives, but not so much with the onions and mushrooms.

As for the cheese, there was a lot of it, but it disappointed me because some of it was reduced fat mozzarella and some of it was imitation mozzarella, which means the Hot Pockets Supreme Pizza Deep Dish Pizzeria didn’t reach its potential with saturated fat and sodium.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – 540 calories, 25 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 840 milligrams of sodium, 60 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 16 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Hot Pockets Supreme Pizza Deep Dish Pizzeria
Price: $2.00
Size: 7.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It’s good, if you like Hot Pockets. Heavier than a regular Hot Pocket. Round shape means you can roll it around, if you desire. If you love sodium and saturated fat, you’ll like it. 4 grams of fiber. Vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Nothing special, it’s just a bigger, round Hot Pocket. Uses reduced fat mozzarella and imitation mozzarella. If you hate sodium and saturated fat, you’ll hate it. Using the phrase “Deep Dish” may make Chicagoans upset.

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