REVIEW: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy Zero Sugar

Starbucks Doubleshot Energy Zero Sugar cans

Have my taste buds have been spoiled?

Monster Ultra Energy Drinks have been my go-to energy drink for years because they’re sweet, and despite being zero sugar beverages, they usually don’t taste like it. So after one sip of Starbucks Doubleshot Energy Zero Sugar French Vanilla, I found myself wondering, given all the sweetener advancements we’ve seen over the past few years, why am I tasting something so disappointing?

I’m no food scientist, and if my high school and college science grades are any indication, I don’t have a strong grasp of science period. But I did get a C- in a college logic class, so I feel I can say with some confidence that because there are great tasting zero sugar drinks, there should be a way to make tasty zero sugar coffee energy drinks without them tasting like I’m licking artificial sweetener packets at a diner.

If you're going to drink a Starbucks Doubleshot Energy Zero Sugar, don't get this vanilla one.

Along with the French Vanilla, which has a flavor that tastes like I was drinking sugar free French Vanilla creamer straight from the bottle, there’s also a Dark Chocolate variety, and if I had to choose between the two, I’d go with the latter. Something about the cocoa makes the artificial sweetener taste, which comes from sucralose and inositol, a little more tolerable. But both have an aftertaste I can only describe as medicinal. There’s no mistaking these are zero sugar beverages, and I feel like more could’ve been done to hide that. But they’re milky and creamy, which is better than watery, but it would’ve helped if these were also delicious.

If you're going to drink a Starbucks Doubleshot Energy Zero Sugar, get this dark chocolate one.

Also, as I’ve complained about before with Starbucks’ ready-to-drink coffee beverages, the can doesn’t say how much caffeine it has. So you don’t have to go digging, I scanned the PepsiCo website, which says these have 160 milligrams of caffeine, which is 25 more than most standard Starbucks Doubleshot Energy drinks.

While I’m throwing numbers around like a livestock auctioneer, let me throw out a few more. These are zero sugar but not zero calorie — the French Vanilla has 80 calories and the Dark Chocolate has 90. More surprisingly, both have 10 grams of protein, which the regular Starbucks Doubleshot line also has. So get yo’ gains. And they each have two grams of fiber. So get yo’ fiber gains too.

As someone who drinks a lot of zero sugar energy drinks, sodas, and sparkling waters, I’m disappointed with how these taste. Unlike my high school and college science grades, they’re not awful. But like my college logic class grade, they’re disappointing.

Purchased Price: $3.28 each
Size: 15 fl oz cans
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 4 out of 10 (French Vanilla), 5 out of 10 (Dark Chocolate)
Nutrition Facts: (1 can) French Vanilla – 80 calories, 3 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 25 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.Dark Chocolate – 90 calories 3 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Pop-Tarts Super Stuffed Strawberry Blast

Pop-Tarts Super Stuffed Strawberry Blast box

It was only a matter of time before Super Stuffed Pop-Tarts showed up. Like Thanos, it was inevitable. They super STUF(fed) Oreos, so why not Pop-Tarts? Why not everything at this point? We are out here maxxing these days anyway.

Pop-Tarts launched Super Stuffed this month with three new flavors: Strawberry Blast, Molten Lava Cake, and Cinnamon Caramel, which is a Walmart exclusive. According to the box, these pack in 50% more filling compared to a regular Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tart.

Pop-Tarts Super Stuffed Strawberry Blast back of box

In this economy, where shrinkflation is rampant (think smaller packages, higher prices, or food that gets quietly downsized but gets rebranded as “new and improved”), I went in suspicious. Was this just the same amount of filling with a new name slapped on it? I was pleasantly surprised to be wrong. I did a side-by-side comparison, and okay, yes, there actually is noticeably more filling in there.

One pastry per package. Five pastries per box.

That said, Pop-Tarts did pull one sneaky move: instead of the usual two-pack pouch you’d find in a classic box, these come individually wrapped. So even with more filling per pastry, you’re only pulling out one at a time. For a treat that’s basically a dessert posing as breakfast, that felt a little abysmal.

50 percent looks about right.

Pop-Tarts Super Stuffed Strawberry Blast next to original Pop-Tarts Frosted Strawberry.

Now, the filling itself. The Strawberry Blast interior is noticeably different from a regular Pop-Tart. It’s a darker red and tastes more like strawberry candy than fruit, tasting very sweet to me. A regular Pop-Tart tastes pretty balanced, like a 50/50 split between the pastry shell taste and the filling. This one completely tips the scales, more like 30% pastry and 70% filling, which for me was a smidge over the top.

Pop-Tarts Super Stuffed Strawberry Blast toasted and split.

I also toasted mine, and no, I will not be taking questions about my toasting level. The sprinkles on top? Turns out those are sugar crystals, not the rainbow kind, so they added even more sweetness to something that was already running pretty hot in that department.

Pop-Tarts Super Stuffed Strawberry Blast sprinkles on the frosting. Red and green makes it look Christmasy.

Would I write off the whole line? No way. I actually think Molten Lava Cake sounds like it could be decadently amazing and genuinely benefit from all that extra filling. My advice: maybe don’t start with Strawberry Blast if you have a fondness for the OG, as I do. But if you love your snacks dialed all the way up to very sweet, this one was made for you.

Purchased Price: $2.89
Size: 10.9 oz/5-pack
Purchased at: Meijer
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 pastry – 62g) 230 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of total carbohydrates, 23 grams of total sugars, 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: FLRT Energy Drink from Monster Energy

All four FLRT flavors.

Ladies and gentlemen (but mostly ladies) meet FLRT, a new line of energy drinks from Monster Energy. The 12-ounce cans come in four different flavors and contain 200 milligrams of caffeine.

Before we go any further, let’s discuss the elephant in the room, or in this case the goofy flower that looks like I could’ve drawn it with the marker tool on my iPhone: these drinks are marketed towards women. Presumably designed to compete with beverages like Alani Nu, FLRT is more heavy handed in its attempt to court the female crowd. I think of energy drinks as being fairly gender neutral and I can’t quite understand exactly what FLRT is going for. I think the colorful cans are supposed to appear “youthful” but they look to me like something that would have been marketed to a preteen girl in the 90’s.

A bunch of claims that FLRT Energy can do for you

Alongside the usual energy drink claims of increased energy and focus, FLRT helps with collagen production, supports healthy hair and skin, and accelerates metabolism and burns fat. An asterisk after this last one points out that it only helps with metabolism and fat burning when combined with exercise and a healthy diet so don’t expect weight loss results unless you chug these before you go jogging or really aggressively flirting. The branding and purported health benefits don’t do much for me but they could still taste amazing so let’s get to drinking!

Strawberry Fling

I present to you, Strawberry Fiing

First in the cutesy titled lineup is Strawberry Fling. Pouring it into a glass reveals a light carbonation and pale pink hue. Expecting this to be my least favorite, I was pleasantly surprised to find it pretty enjoyable. It has a clean strawberry flavor that doesn’t ever strike me as medicinal. It’s sweet but not too sweet, with a hint of tartness and I’m not bothered by any lingering aftertastes that zero sugar drinks can have. I would happily drink this if it was given to me but it’s nowhere near as good as my favorite energy drink that features a strawberry flavor, Red Bull Amber. Amber blows Strawberry Fling out of the water, so I can’t see myself ever purchasing this.

Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 10 calories, 0 grams of total fat, 280 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of total sugar, 2 grams of erythritol, 0 grams of protein, and 200 milligrams of caffeine

Guava Lava

Introducing, Guava Lava.

In the green can is Guava Lava, with a peachy pink tint and the same gentle fizz. It also has a clean guava flavor that doesn’t seem to be mixed with anything else. It’s sweet without being overwhelmingly so, with a bit of tang and a nice tropical vibe. It goes down easy and as a guava fan living in a non-tropical climate, I’ll gladly sip on this and be reminded of a unique and delicious fruit that sadly never appears at my grocery stores.

Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 10 calories, 0 grams of total fat, 270 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of total sugar, 2 grams of erythritol, 0 grams of protein, and 200 milligrams of caffeine.

Berry Tempting

Heeeeere's Berry Tempting!

Next we have Berry Tempting, with a ruby color and a good, if not particularly unique, mixed berry flavor. What I think is a blend of raspberry and blueberry, this flavor is fine but it’s more noticeable in the overall taste and aftertaste that I’m drinking a zero sugar energy beverage. It feels familiar, like a worse version of other berry energy drinks I’ve had. I don’t dislike it, but I’m not tempted to get another one.

Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts:10 calories, 0 grams of total fat, 280 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of total sugar, 2 grams of erythritol, 0 grams of protein, and 200 milligrams of caffeine.

Sunset Squeeze

And here's Sunset Squeeze!

Lastly is Sunset Squeeze, with a color like a clear/white gummy bear and a tropical scent. This flavor, like the gummies it reminds me of, leans heavily into a sweet pineapple taste with the addition of some citrusy notes. It brings those beachy feelings but suffers from the same issue as some of the above: I notice the aftertaste more than I’d like to and it seems like familiar territory done a little less well.

Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 10 calories, 0 grams of total fat, 270 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of total sugar, 2 grams of erythritol, 0 grams of protein, and 200 milligrams of caffeine.

Overall these FLRT drinks are largely inoffensive from a flavor standpoint but they’re not exactly inspiring either. I enjoyed most of them enough that I could see where there might be a place for them, but I don’t think it’ll be in my fridge. I might pick up Guava Lava again if I was in need of a guava fix but the rest aren’t good enough to replace any of my usual energy drink go-to’s. I get the feeling that they’re trying a little too hard to be girly and not trying hard enough at being creative. If I were Monster Beverage, I’d flirt with the idea of going back to the drawing board.

Purchased Price: On sale, 2 for $5.00
Size: 12 fl oz cans
Purchased at: Jewel-Osco

REVIEW: Taco Bell Zab’s Chicken Ranch Nacho Fries

Taco Bell Zab's Chicken Ranch Nacho Fries features Nacho Fries topped with slow-roasted chicken, warm Nacho Cheese sauce, a three-cheese blend, pico de gallo, and Zab’s Datil Pepper Ranch sauce

Do you remember when Late Night with Conan O’Brien had bands you’d never heard of? Musical acts like Brother Cane, Juicy Doves, At The Drive-In, Spicy Spicy Spice, The Spinanes, December Showers, Jawbox, Buffalo Tom, Flowerbot, and Pizza Redux.

Over the past three years, Taco Bell has been introducing me to hot sauces I’ve never heard of, like Yellowbird, Secret Aardvark, Disha Hot, and now Zab’s. More specifically, Zab’s St. Augustine Style Sauce, which has a sweet heat and gradual burn from Datil peppers. By the way, the Orange Sweet Datil Peppers would be a decent name for a Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band from Florida, which is where most Datil peppers are grown.

The headlining sauce is a combination of Zab’s Sauce and Taco Bell’s Spicy Ranch.

The Taco Bell Zab’s Chicken Ranch Nacho Fries feature Nacho Fries topped with slow-roasted chicken, warm Nacho Cheese sauce, a three-cheese blend, pico de gallo, and Zab’s Datil Pepper Ranch sauce, which is a combo of Zab’s St. Augustine Style Sauce and Taco Bell’s Spicy Ranch.

With that combination of a hot sauce and a spicy ranch, I expected at least a little kick from the Nacho Fries, but as I ate them, I kept thinking, “Where’s the heat?” The Zab’s sauce is supposed to provide a gradual heat, but instead, I got no heat. However, I’m not going to complain too much about that because I liked most of the flavors here. I say “most” because, and this might sound strange, I actually preferred the bites without any chicken. Look, I’ve enjoyed the slow-roasted chicken in plenty of other menu items, but they were a distraction here. Without it, I thought the flavors of the fries and toppings were more pronounced.

The sauce wasn't spicy but it did have a nice flavor

While the Zab’s ranch sauce lacked heat, it had plenty of flavor. Though I’m not sure I’d call it a ranch sauce. It was tangy like a ranch dressing, but also a little sweet. Think of a tangier offshoot of ketchup and mayo with a hint of pepperiness. It was also not overpowering, which allowed the tomatoes in the pico de gallo, the Nacho Fries seasoning, and the nacho cheese sauce to shine alongside each other, creating a tasty tower of toppings and fries that are worth a try. Well, except for the chicken.

Pico de Gallo should be a requirement for all loaded Nacho Fries.

Well, Zab’s, I now know who you are. I wonder what hot sauce brand Taco Bell is going to introduce us to next. Perhaps Vermont’s Angry Goat Pepper Company, Slap Ya Mama or Frog Bone from Louisiana, or Horsetooth Hot Sauce from Colorado?

Purchased Price: $5.99*
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 490 calories, 31 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 1170 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

*Because I live on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Diablo Dusted Crispy Chicken Nuggets

Taco Bell Diablo Dusted Crispy Chicken Nuggets with Hidden Valley Ranch Diablo Sauce

Taco Bell could’ve just named these Spicy Crispy Chicken Nuggets and called it a day. But the marketing folks there went with some alliteration to make these the Diablo Dusted Crispy Chicken Nuggets, then dusted the Diablo dust off their hands and called it a day.

The limited time offering features all-white-meat chicken nuggets in a crispy, tortilla chip coating with Diablo dust made from the chain’s Diablo sauce packets. I imagine the seasoning is produced in Hell by heating up vats of Diablo sauce over a fiery pit and letting the liquid evaporate so all that remains is a fine powder, which gets stomped into a finer powder by those in Hell who are there because they never used their blinkers when turning or changing lanes. Also, I imagine El Diablo says the powder is being used by Taco Bell, but being El Diablo, he’s lying. Half is being used by Taco Bell and the other half is his nose candy.

The Diablo seasoning makes these nuggets look a little darker than the regular ones.

An order is available with five or ten pieces, with a sauce of your choice. Because these are Diablo Dusted Chicken Nuggets, I had to go with the Hidden Valley Diablo Ranch Dipping Sauce. Although I would like to note that I’d be somewhat okay if my nuggets ended up without any sauce because their peppery and savory flavor is surprisingly good on its own. Also, when I ate them this way, the Diablo coating that ended up on my lips did make them tingle.

The nuggets and sauce go extremely well together.

The nuggets are definitely spicier than the Hidden Valley Diablo Ranch, and I’d say they’re roughly as spicy as Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Nuggets. Maybe a tad more? It’s not an unpleasant heat that demands a cold beverage, but I was glad one happened to be within arm’s reach. The dipping sauce added a tangy ranch flavor and helped lessen the heat, even though it has a bit of a kick too. That cool ranch tanginess pairs extremely well with the hot, peppery seasoning on the nuggets, and I believe it’s enough to make this worth buying.

The Hidden Valley Ranch Diablo Sauce has a slight kick to it, but ranch definitely dominates

While I enjoyed the flavor of the nuggets and the dipping sauce, I wasn’t a fan of how dry the chicken was, and the dry, but on purpose, crunchy coating wasn’t helping. Thankfully, they weren’t as arid as Hell’s Diablo Dust stomping pits, and the creamy ranch did help hide some of that dryness. Of course, your results may vary, but the dryness did lower my overall enjoyment of what was otherwise a tasty order.

Purchased Price: $5.79*Size: 5-pieces
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (5 pieces) 340 calories, 14 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 1340 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 27 grams of protein.

*Because I live on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

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