REVIEW: Van Leeuwen Lovely Day for a Guinness Ice Cream

/ / Reviews / 1 Comment

Van Leeuwen Lovely Day for a Guinness Ice Cream pint

With so many ice cream brands out there, it’s easy to forget how genuinely good Van Leeuwen ice cream is. I’ve been to its NYC and LA scoop shops and have enjoyed numerous pints from the grocery store—particularly its Earl Grey tea flavor.

It went on a tear of chaotic collab flavors for a while that I just wasn’t that into, like Hidden Valley Ranch andGrey Poupon Mustard, but Van Leeuwen caught my eye again with the new beer collaboration with Guinness.

There’s no splitting the G with its “Lovely Day for a Guinness” ice cream, but I’d be splitting hairs if I said this wasn’t a fantastic drop.

Van Leeuwen Lovely Day for a Guinness Ice Cream top off

Technically, it’s a re-release. It first dropped last year at its scoop shops, but it was good enough to bring back for a full rollout at Whole Foods. Whole Foods coming in clutch! The name itself is also a re-release – it’s a nod to Guinness’ classic 1950s tagline “Lovely Day for a Guinness.” The flavor features roasted Guinness stout ice cream with dark chocolate chunks.

Many chocolate chunks in the ice cream

First test of any pint: scoopability. Rock hard and bending my spoon makes me sad. Happy to report this scooped easily. The base is a consistent light brown – think the color of the dome on a freshly poured Guinness – flecked with chocolate chunks.

The first bite made me stop and audibly “mmm” in both delight and genuine ponderance because it’s a fascinating flavor. The immediate word that popped into my head was “malty”; I don’t even like malty things like Whoppers or malted milkshakes, but this was dang good. I didn’t have a Guinness on hand for a side-by-side comparison, but it’s pretty spot-on to the one I had last week – except sweeter with zero bitterness. Apparently, they use Guinness 0, the non-alcoholic version, to nail the roasty flavor.

With Van Leeuwen’s French ice cream having double the egg yolks of standard ice cream, means it doesn’t need guar gum or other stabilizers to get its texture. The result is a gelato-adjacent creaminess with a luxurious mouthfeel. This one was no exception!

The sweetness takes over on the finish, so it lands fully in ice cream territory rather than anything bitter or beer-adjacent. The dark chocolate chunks are a perfect textural foil with Ben & Jerry‘s-caliber chunks. It all works better than expected as an ice cream.

At $7.99 a pint, Van Leeuwen is premium, but worth every spoonful. If this was sold this year-round, it’d be my permanent upgrade in the freezer.

The stout verdict: go get this one!

Purchased Price: $7.99
Size: 14 fl oz
Purchased at: Whole Foods
Rating: 10 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2/3 cup – 108g) 310 calories, 22 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 100mg of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 25 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Doritos Protein Nachos Cheese Tortilla Chips

/ / Reviews / 4 Comments

Doritos Protein Nachos Cheese Tortilla Chips bag

I really wanted to rant about the meaty-oric rise of protein snacks.

I wanted this review to drip with sarcasm and cynicism about brands slapping a measly gram or two of protein into their recipes and deceptively marketing their junk as some kind of quasi-health food.

I wanted to get on my soapbox and give a FED Talk about how we’re all being bamboozled into believing that a little protein turns everything into a “fitness hack,” but then I realized, it would be I who is the hack.

I’m not anti-tein, I’m pro-tein!

(Please remind me to never say that out loud.)

Doritos Protein Nachos Cheese Tortilla Chips back of bag

I feel like we’re close to reaching a tipping point. Maybe it’s just me, but my algorithm has been taken over by influencers screaming at me to add more protein to my diet. Big Protein is locked in on me. It’s stressing me out… and when I’m stressed, I gorge on snacks… snacks like new Doritos Protein!

Who’s ready to get yoked on nacho cheese dust?!

Protein chips aren’t an untapped market, but they’re still fairly new. I like Quest Tortilla Chips, but of the maybe ten flavors I’ve tried, I’d probably only recommend about three.

It shouldn’t shock you to learn that Doritos probably just released the best tasting protein chip. However, if you’re expecting a classic Dorito, I’d temper my excitement a bit.

A serving is ten chips and ten grams of protein, which really isn’t terrible. It’s not Quest-level, but it’s more than a lot of cash grab “PROTEIN” boasting snack releases from legacy brands.

Doritos Protein Nachos Cheese Tortilla Chips in bowl

They’re made with casein protein, which is derived from milk. I know what you’re thinking, “No whey!?” Way, it’s casein. Not a bad protein source.

You’re getting eight more grams of protein and nine fewer carbs per serving of these versus regular Doritos. That’s good! If you’re expecting gainz, you’ll get ‘em, but only in the bad way you’d get said gainz with regular Doritos, because everything else is basically the same.

As for the taste, they’re like a solid knockoff of Doritos. The nacho flavor – which they should have called “Macho Cheese,” IMHO (in my hacky opinion) – is close, but you’ll still think you’re eating cheaper alternatives. Something is off, and it’s likely due to the texture.

Doritos Protein Nachos Cheese Tortilla Chips texture.

These are thicker, crunchier, and drier than the regular tortilla chip. They’re like stale, double-fried “restaurant style” Doritos, with a nacho flavor that seems a little spicier because of how dry they make your mouth.

The protein chip textural experience is never a pleasant one. They mash down into a long-lasting, gritty protein paste that turns into cement in your teeth, and I absolutely hate that.

All in all, I guess these are a mild success? We all wanna think we’re living healthier, right? Like me today, I did Bis and Tris! I went to the gym, struggled through a few sets of biceps, and then ate about forty Doritos triangles.

Ya know what, I don’t even know if I recommend these. I didn’t feel particularly satiated. They look like Doritos, smell like Doritos, but in the end, I just yearned for real Doritos. Maybe stick with a small bag of the NKD Doritos and add an extra half scoop of powder to your protein shake.

Purchased Price: $4.47
Size: 7 oz.
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (10 chips) 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 8 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of total sugars, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 10 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dairy Queen Choco Frosted Donut Blizzard

/ / Reviews / 1 Comment

When my kids were little, they would sometimes ask for candy, ice cream, or donuts for breakfast. As a semi-responsible parent, I, of course, said no. Instead, I provided them with a healthy alternative, like syrup-covered pancakes or Cap’n Crunch, which probably had just as much, or perhaps even more sugar.

So maybe I need to call them up and take them to Dairy Queen for its new “Breakfast Collection,” which includes the Fruity Pebbles Shake, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Dipped Cone, and Choco Frosted Donut Blizzard. But after trying the latter, I’m going to suggest they have one of the first two options.

The new Blizzard creation is not bad, but it is not worth setting your alarm for either. As an aside, I was today years old when I learned that Dairy Queen does indeed serve breakfast, and that they have a chicken and gravy burrito, which I now have a burning desire to try. Sadly, and in defense of my ignorance of said breakfast offerings, many Dairy Queen locations do not serve the most important meal of the day, apparently including any in my area.

But back to the review. This new Blizzard includes old-fashioned (or cake) donut pieces, chocolatey icing pieces, and sprinkles mixed with vanilla soft serve. To put it simply, nothing stands out about this Blizzard. The donut pieces are fine, and actually, they are powdered sugar donut pieces according to the ingredient list on the DQ website, but I would have a hard time distinguishing them from a bland, store-bought vanilla cake. They were quite firm and held up well in the ice cream, but they didn’t make much of an impression on my taste buds.

Likewise, the icing pieces bring some chocolate flavor, as expected, but again, it’s nothing distinctive. The sprinkles add a bit of texture and some color if you are taking Instagram photos, but they do nothing for the taste. Overall, it’s not a memorable creation, although it is still ice cream with donuts and chocolate, so there was never any danger of me not reaching the bottom of the cup.

Next time I go to Dairy Queen, I’ll take my chances with one of the other two offerings from the Breakfast Collection, or maybe I’ll take a road trip to the nearest location serving breakfast and see what that chicken and gravy burrito is all about.

Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: Small
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 660 calories, 29 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 89 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 66 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Liquid Death Pop-Tarts Carnage Iced Tea

/ / Reviews / 2 Comments

Liquid Death Pop-Tarts Carnage Iced Tea cans

Liquid Death Pop-Tarts Carnage Iced Tea made me giggle.

No, it wasn’t from the silly name that got me imagining what would happen if a naughty doggo got into a Costco-size box of Pop-Tarts. Nor did it happen because I sometimes imagine Christopher Walken dressed up as a Pop-Tart yelling, “Crazy good!”

What made me giggle after my first sip was how Liquid Death managed to capture the essence of toaster pastry crust and add it to an iced tea. That’s some liquid magic there, and whatever the highest award for flavor-making is, which I assume is called The Tastees, the person who developed that crust flavor deserves one, not only for creating it, but for tasting all the rejects that came before it.

Liquid Death Pop-Tarts Carnage Iced Tea in a glass with its red color

The beverage smells like a strawberry soda, and the initial taste is strawberry, but after a few moments, the crust comes through and lingers a bit. This doesn’t taste exactly like a Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tart. Its berry flavor is a candy-fied version of the red toaster pastry filling, and the pastry dough taste is a bit more distinctive than the bland crust of an actual Pop-Tart. There’s no sweetness or butteriness to enhance things; it’s just bland Pop-Tarts crust, but I guess an enhanced blandness is the best way to describe it. But that crust flavor is what convinces me that this is a toaster pastry-flavored iced tea, and this wouldn’t have been nearly as exciting without it.

But do I actually consider it to be, as the Pop-Tarts-dressed Christopher Walken in my head would say, “crazy good”? It’s crazy creative, but it’s just good to my taste buds. I’ll have no problem drinking all 12 cans I had to buy. However, I can taste how that crust flavor is going to be divisive and an instant nope for some folks. I liked it best when it was super chilled, straight out of the fridge. But as it crept toward room temperature, the crust’s taste made things less enjoyable.

The crazy scary skull thingies on the can. Sorry if it gives you nightmares

I’ve gone through four cans already, and every time I take a chilled sip, I can’t help but smile at what I’m tasting. So if you’re okay with the mild flavor profile of Liquid Death products and think an iced tea inspired by toaster pastries sounds like a novel idea, Pop-Tarts Carnage Iced Tea might make you giggle, too.

Purchased Price: $16.99
Size: 12 fl oz cans/12 pack
Purchased at: Amazon
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 can) 20 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 43 milligrams of caffeine.

REVIEW: Khloud Nacho Protein Chips

/ / Reviews / 4 Comments

Khloud Nacho Protein Chips bag

For a millisecond, Khloud Nacho Protein Chips have a crispy texture like a fresh, thin tortilla chip you’d get at a Mexican restaurant. But after that fraction of a second passes, it’s nothing but disappointment from then on.

Before I even get to the flavor, let’s talk about the texture. The way these dissolve in my mouth is, um, how can I put this nicely? Unsettling? They look like normal triangular tortilla chips, so you’d expect them to have the same texture as normal triangular tortilla chips.

Khloud Nacho Protein Chips in the bag

But that common triangle shape hid the fact that they break down easily and crumble in your mouth the way you’d expect a tortilla chip to break down in your stomach. It’s a weird feeling, and one that I don’t like experiencing. And while there is a sound and sensation when biting into these chips, I’m not sure I’d call it a crunch. It’s more like an unch.

Khloud Nacho Protein Chips seasoning

Equally bad was the cheesiness, or lack thereof. If they were super cheesy, it might’ve made up a little for the unsettling texture. But they’re nowhere near Doritos-level cheesy. If Chester Cheetah were to eat these, he’d be like, “It ain’t easy being a snack brand, now is it, Khloe?” There was a light nacho cheesiness, but it quickly got warped by the underlying tortilla chip base made from corn and pea protein that tastes like it has more pea protein than corn. And, of course, the crumbly texture doesn’t help at all.

Not even the seven grams of protein per serving is enough to make this worth buying. If you really want a crunchy protein snack from a Kardashian, you’d help your mouth out by going with Khloud Popcorn instead. These need to go back to the drawing board, which probably has the same texture as these chips. Maybe a little less focus on the protein and a little more focus on the pleasures of chip eating should’ve happened.

Now I can’t compare these with other protein chips since I haven’t tried any. But my experience with these makes me wonder if all protein chips are this bad. So if you’re passing by these Khloud Nacho Protein Chips at the store, and you’re curious about them, just remember, “Curiosity killed the khat.”

Purchased Price: $6.99
Size: 5 oz bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 3 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (about 13 chips – 30 g) 170 calories, 11 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 9 grams of total carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of total sugars, and 7 grams of protein.

Scroll to Top