I really wanted to rant about the meaty-oric rise of protein snacks.

I wanted this review to drip with sarcasm and cynicism about brands slapping a measly gram or two of protein into their recipes and deceptively marketing their junk as some kind of quasi-health food.

I wanted to get on my soapbox and give a FED Talk about how we’re all being bamboozled into believing that a little protein turns everything into a “fitness hack,” but then I realized, it would be I who is the hack.

I’m not anti-tein, I’m pro-tein!

(Please remind me to never say that out loud.)

I feel like we’re close to reaching a tipping point. Maybe it’s just me, but my algorithm has been taken over by influencers screaming at me to add more protein to my diet. Big Protein is locked in on me. It’s stressing me out… and when I’m stressed, I gorge on snacks… snacks like new Doritos Protein!

Who’s ready to get yoked on nacho cheese dust?!

Protein chips aren’t an untapped market, but they’re still fairly new. I like Quest Tortilla Chips, but of the maybe ten flavors I’ve tried, I’d probably only recommend about three.

It shouldn’t shock you to learn that Doritos probably just released the best tasting protein chip. However, if you’re expecting a classic Dorito, I’d temper my excitement a bit.

A serving is ten chips and ten grams of protein, which really isn’t terrible. It’s not Quest-level, but it’s more than a lot of cash grab “PROTEIN” boasting snack releases from legacy brands.

They’re made with casein protein, which is derived from milk. I know what you’re thinking, “No whey!?” Way, it’s casein. Not a bad protein source.

You’re getting eight more grams of protein and nine fewer carbs per serving of these versus regular Doritos. That’s good! If you’re expecting gainz, you’ll get ‘em, but only in the bad way you’d get said gainz with regular Doritos, because everything else is basically the same.

As for the taste, they’re like a solid knockoff of Doritos. The nacho flavor – which they should have called “Macho Cheese,” IMHO (in my hacky opinion) – is close, but you’ll still think you’re eating cheaper alternatives. Something is off, and it’s likely due to the texture.

These are thicker, crunchier, and drier than the regular tortilla chip. They’re like stale, double-fried “restaurant style” Doritos, with a nacho flavor that seems a little spicier because of how dry they make your mouth.

The protein chip textural experience is never a pleasant one. They mash down into a long-lasting, gritty protein paste that turns into cement in your teeth, and I absolutely hate that.

All in all, I guess these are a mild success? We all wanna think we’re living healthier, right? Like me today, I did Bis and Tris! I went to the gym, struggled through a few sets of biceps, and then ate about forty Doritos triangles.

Ya know what, I don’t even know if I recommend these. I didn’t feel particularly satiated. They look like Doritos, smell like Doritos, but in the end, I just yearned for real Doritos. Maybe stick with a small bag of the NKD Doritos and add an extra half scoop of powder to your protein shake.

Purchased Price: $4.47
Size: 7 oz.
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (10 chips) 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 8 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of total sugars, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 10 grams of protein.

To be honest, I know little about the Netflix show Stranger Things, which is strange because the Netflix algorithm has been suggesting it to me for years, and my wife has watched every episode. I can’t name any of the characters. I have referenced Demogorgon several times on this site, but that’s only because I worship Satan.

Is one of them named Friday? Or am I somehow getting confused with the main character of Netflix’s Wednesday? Or maybe I’m thinking of Monday from the Netflix movie What Happened to Monday? Or I’m misremembering Tuesday from Tuesday, another movie on Netflix. Or perhaps I’m thinking of Miss All Sunday (Nico Robin) from the live-action One Piece show on Netflix.

Netflix has been on a Stranger Things marketing rampage, getting the Stranger Things logo slapped on almost every type of product in a grocery store. I’d make a list, but going through it would take as long as fans have had to wait for new seasons of the show. One of the latest collaborations is this Doritos Collisions Stranger Things with Stranger Pizza and Cool Ranch flavors.

I’m not one of those diehard ranch-on-pizza kind of people. But I understand the appeal. If you are one of those folks, these chips may disappoint you.

The chips smell like every pizza-flavored snack I’ve ever had. However, my nose couldn’t detect the equally familiar scent of Cool Ranch Doritos. Though visually, it’s easy to determine which chip is which. The darker ones are pizza-flavored, while the lighter chip is Cool Ranch.

Pizza-flavored Doritos have been a thing, but I’m not sure if I’ve ever had them. My memories might be mistaking them for all the other pizza-flavored snacks I’ve munched on over the years, all of which remind me of Totino’s Party Pizzas. However, there is something a little different about these from all those other snacks. There’s a very light spiciness, as if Doritos was aiming for a spicy pepperoni flavor. It was surprising, and I totally dig it.

With the two flavors being in the same bag, I thought there would be some cross-pollination, but that didn’t happen. The Cool Ranch chips tasted like Cool Ranch, while the pizza-flavored ones tasted like pizza without a hint of Cool Ranch. Combining the two flavors in one bite also doesn’t make a difference in creating more of a mashup flavor because the stronger pizza flavor overwhelms the Cool Ranch seasoning. I’m not going to complain about that because I love pizza-flavored products, and I’ve been loving these chips.

However, if you’re hoping for a unique flavor that combines the two chips, you won’t taste it.

Purchased Price: $5.19*
Size: 9 oz bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (about 11 chips – 28 grams) 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

If the exploding patriotic red and blue stars and stripes on this bag are any indication, it is officially America’s birthday. That makes me excited because, in snack food language, that means in about four weeks, it will officially be Halloween; the pumpkin is a-comin! But before spooky season begins in July, Doritos has unleashed a new chip flavor by way of every fireworks-fueled party’s greatest asset — a bowl of warm and gooey queso.

I went into this bag of chips optimistic that I would enjoy them but also nearly positive that I knew what I was going to taste. Last year, I wrote about Fritos Flavor Twists Queso, and being that the new Doritos Twisted Queso comes from the same company, it felt intuitively like a quick and easy rebrand. A twist, a corn chip, a queso — same thing, right? I was wrong!

These new Doritos were not what I was expecting, and in this case, that’s a good thing. I like the Queso Fritos Twists quite a bit, but these are even better. Yes, Fritos Twists are possibly the greatest corn chip form factor ever, but the flavor of these new Doritos is notably different in the best way.

Twisted Queso starts with a nice salty, layered cheese taste that quickly gets perfectly accented by a nice salsa-adjacent pepper flavor. There is a bit of heat that rounds out the profile, but these are instantly more dynamic and deep than I remember from the Fritos, and I really enjoy them. These taste much less like the other chip with Queso in the name and more like a cheese-ified version of the often overlooked Salsa Verde Doritos, an all-time chip in my book.

I had to make sure I wasn’t going crazy and do a little bit of ingredient sleuthing work to confirm what my tastebuds detected — and I was right. There are three key differences between Twisted Queso Doritos and Fritos Twists Queso. The Doritos use jalapeño pepper instead of bell pepper, which accounts for that little peppery kick. They also use Romano and cheddar cheese, whereas the Fritos just use cheddar. The Fritos also contain tomato powder, which keeps them feeling a bit sweeter, whereas the Doritos more prominently feature garlic powder. Long story short — they’re not the same recipe at all.

In the battle of corny twisted queso chips, there is a clear victor, and one that surprisingly stands up with the best of what Doritos has to offer — a true cheesy jalapeño delight.

Purchased Price: $2.69
Size: 2 5/8 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (11 chips, 28g) 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 190 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of total sugars, 2 grams of protein.

Chips and dip: a tale as old as time.

Chips flavored like dip: a tale nearly as old as time.

People clamoring about bringing back discontinued chips that taste like dip from the glory days of pre-iPhone America: a tale as old as two decades.

Yes, for the first time in nearly 20 years, since this website’s inception, Guacamole Doritos are back on shelves. Originally running from 2003-06, this green-clad bag of vibrantly green tortilla chips has been the source of constant internet buzz and early aughts nostalgia. I am sure I had these at some point, but I have no recollection of, or specific love for, the original, so I’m going into this with an open mind and fresh tastebuds.

Biting into my first well-seasoned chip (always gotta pick a properly dusted one to start), there is no doubt these taste like guacamole. I immediately get that distinct, fatty, earthy avocado taste, rounded out by garlic, onion, and a touch of citrus. It truly tastes like I dunked a crispy chip into squishy dip. Quite marvelous.

Interestingly, the more I eat, the more the flavor moves away from avocado and into cheesy corn territory. This isn’t bad; it’s just different and not avocado. Some chips have a flavor that stacks, especially spicy ones, where the profile is initially subtle and then builds into a crescendo of flavor. These are different. They start boldly guac-y and then taper down to a spiced (not spicy) creamy cheesy taste with a hefty dose of corn chip. Still good, but that big-bowl-o-guac party vibe is drastically toned down.

Taking a look at the ingredients list, I’m not surprised to find sour cream, cheddar cheese, Swiss cheese, whey, AND butter all in the mix. Yet there is no powdered avocado or other science-adjacent ‘cado in sight. I am still remarkably impressed by how on-the-nose the guacamole presence is on the first couple of chips, and how this myriad of other components, combined with “natural and artificial flavors,” created such a perfect impersonation.

The good news is that even if the flavor does dwindle a bit, what’s left is still very good and worth the purchase of at least one bag for Doritos lovers. However, something tells me that the nostalgia chasers may not enjoy them as much as I do, or at least as much as they did in 2004, since our new, matured experiences can rarely live up to the memories we hold dearly in our minds.

Purchased Price: $2.69
Size: 2 5/8 ounces
Purchased at: Circle K
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (11 chips, 28g) 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 170 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of total sugars, and 2 grams of protein.