What are Golden Grahams S’ mores Bites?

It’s a bit of food history irony that graham crackers, the base of so many sugary desserts and after school snacks, were originally created as a health food. Sylvester Graham advocated a vegetarian diet consisting mostly of bread made from coarsely home-ground flour.

He theorized a bland diet was essential to not only physical, but moral health as well, and that flavorful food was too, ahem, “stimulating.” Products made from graham flour proliferated in the late 19th century, and would slowly morph into the myriad of crackers, crusts, and cereals we enjoy today.

General Mills has released its latest assault on poor Sylvester’s theories in the form of Golden Grahams S’ mores Bites. Will the combination of marshmallow and chocolate surrounded by a “Graham” cracker pastry be the last straw, the thing that causes Sylvester Graham, who I assume has lived to 225 years due to his healthful diet, take his vengeance on us all?

How are they?

I was surprised to see there were no conventional oven directions for these bites. 20 to 30 seconds in the microwave are the only cooking instructions listed on the packaging. Even this short time results in the filling bursting through the graham cracker shell.

So as to not burn my mouth, I wait a minute before taking a bite and find the filling to be hot, but not scalding. The primary flavor is chocolate, with the marshmallow not making much of an impact at all. The graham cracker shell doesn’t taste much like Golden Grahams or graham crackers, but is a generically sweet pastry shell. They must be baked at the factory because they have the baked-then-frozen flavor shared by other mass-produced baked goods.

The soft and doughy texture isn’t a surprise given the microwave-only directions, but is still disappointing since a crunchy texture is essential to the enjoyment of both Golden Grahams and s’ mores.

Is there anything else you need to know?

Another surprise is that these don’t need any cooking at all. According to the packaging, allowing them to defrost to room temperature is all that’s required.

Here’s a question: would Sylvester approve of this?

On the one hand, it’s the more slothful method. On the other, it eliminates the corrupting influence of microwaves, which are no doubt of infernal origins. After about ten minutes at room temperature, I pop a bite into my mouth and have much the same experience as the heated version. There’s the barest hint of honey graham cracker, but the overall experience is still of chocolate and pre-baked pastry.

Though not explicitly recommended anywhere, I also munch into a completely frozen bite. This “solves” the texture issue by adding some resistance, but doesn’t add the crunch I’m looking for.

Conclusion:

Golden Grahams S’ mores Bites are sweet and inoffensive (assuming you’re not a 19th century minister with very particular dietary opinions), but miss out on the combination of crunchy, melty, ooey-gooey goodness that makes real s’ mores great.

We’re safe from Sylvester Graham for now, not because we’re not a fallen, decadent society, but because these bites aren’t worth getting all worked up over.

Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 14.7 oz. (30 count)
Purchased at: Woodman’s Market
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (4 bites) 190 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.