EXT. SONIC PARKING LOT – DAY

SONIC GUY 1 and SONIC GUY 2 sit in a convertible.

SONIC GUY 1: “I really like these new Sonic Blast Flavor Funnels.”

SONIC GUY 2: “Why are you saying ‘Sonic’ like I don’t know they’re from Sonic? We’re literally at Sonic.”

SONIC GUY 1 smiles uncomfortably.

SONIC GUY 2: “Hold up, didn’t Ben & Jerry’s and Dairy Queen basically just make these?!”

SONIC GUY 1: “Shut up man, they’ll hear you! Don’t ruin the gig! Haha, he’s just joking around, boss.”

FADE OUT.

Those cornballs have been making commercials since 2004!

Sonic the Hedgehog is only 12 years older than those ads. The Seattle Supersonics – who feel like they’ve been gone forever – became the OKC Thunder in 2008! That’s how long these dudes have been shilling for America’s Drive-In.

If you’ve seen our heroes lately, they’ve probably been promoting Sonic’s new “flavor funnels” because Ben and Jerry made “Cores,” and Dairy Queen made “Royal Blizzards,” and that’s just what competing companies do these days. Anything you can do, I can do the same! The new trend is ice cream companies jamming a thin vein of flavor through their flagship products, and pretending its ground breaking.

Sonic took their already existing “Blasts” and shot everything from caramel to Oreo crème to peanut butter down the middle, because why not?

I chose the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Blast with the peanut butter flavor funnel, because why not?!

The Blast’s base was vanilla ice cream that was neither offensive nor impressive. It was fine. Bits and pieces of Reese’s cups were blended in, which is never a bad thing.

Once I choked down the whipped cream I wish wasn’t there, the tan flavor funnel core peaked out in all of its Jules Vernian glory. At first glance it was a sight to behold. Then, I tasted it.

The peanut butter’s texture left a lot to be desired. It was gluey, with a consistency somewhere between syrup and Jif Whips. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I don’t usually like my peanut butter to be wet. It didn’t help that while trying to get a nice balance of ice cream to funnel, I ended up basically eating half the funnel in one bite. Said bite was extremely overpowering, and the tiny bits of chocolate didn’t counterbalance it at all.

I dug down to see if the funnel reached the bottom of the cup, and it stopped about half way. It was half a funnel! Half of “funnel” is “fun.” That’s not fun!

I only ate about 1/3rd of the Blast, and I’m pretty sure I consumed the entire funnel. Sonic’s website lists the sizes as mini, small, medium and large, but they didn’t even ask, and just gave me the “one size kills all.” It was disgustingly massive.

I paid the over five dollars by card, so I felt bad when the Carhop rolled over and I didn’t have a tip for her on hand. I’d be remised if I didn’t give props to Sonic as well as Venice Beach and old guy hockey leagues for keeping roller blades alive, though.

Look, I’m not gonna say there’s much wrong with vanilla ice cream, weird peanut butter and Reese’s, but this funnel gimmick was completely unnecessary. The Blast sans funnel is probably more satisfying.

To be fair, I only had the one flavor, and you can add as many toppings as you please, so the other flavors might be bigger hits than this one. I may go back for a mini Oreo at some point.

(Nutrition Facts – Large – 1880 calories, 840 calories from fat, 94 grams of total fat, 62 grams of saturated fat, 305 milligrams of cholesterol, 1160 milligrams of sodium, 233 grams of total carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 203 grams of sugars, and 27 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $4.39 + $.50 for the Flavor Funnel add-on
Size: Large
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It’s ice cream and Reese’s. It’s the lazy man’s DQ Blizzard. Sonic Guys making bank. Carhop delivery.
Cons: Weird overpowering peanut butter funnel. Absolutely massive Styrofoam cup. Not enough chocolate bits. Expensive. Look at the nutrition facts for a large. Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton are the REAL Sonic Guys.