The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Limited Edition Festival Fun Frosted Vanilla I-Scream Cone Pop-Tarts

July 19, 2012August 14, 2023 Margaret 7 Comments

The festival: a landmark of summertime reinforcing the laws of physics with every flash-flinging ride you wind past, and, while all the balloon animals and fluffy teddy bears make it seem like a locale reserved for docile featherweights, don’t be fooled: festivals are not for the thin-skinned.

Indeed, danger lurks behind every fried goodie and clinkity-clink coaster that threatens to hurl your body straight over the Kansas plains. That is part of what makes the festival so exciting: the subliminal notion that you could die at any moment.

Yes, dear venturers, the festival is a place where only the bold dare step, and these Festival Fun Frosted Vanilla I-Scream Cone Pop-Tarts are no different. These treats are not for the faint of heart. If you cower at the Kellogg, find yourself trembling at the thought of being sucked into a sugary shadow, then shoo! Be off with ye, oh crybabies! Oh sippers of chamomile tea! May you live a long and boring life.

Now that I have narrowed you down to the brave lunatics before me, quick! To the toaster!

Ah, yes, the toaster. The very appliance inspiring that 1987 champion of childhood animation, The Brave Little Toaster. It was there that I came to understand the value of endurance and grasped the reality that the car crusher in the junkyard is really alive, has googly eyes, and wants to eat my kitchen tools. Most importantly, I learned that small appliances can do amazing feats, and, while my toaster may not be able to fling itself over a mountain, it can sure transform a Pop-Tart, so I am going to toast this bugger on medium-low.

While we await our toaster pastry’s toasted goodness, let us observe a moment of silence to reflect on the values taught to us by The Brave Little Toaster.

(…I hope you are being silent right now, brave venturer…)

Okay! Moment of reflection complete!

And thus, here we have the magic of the toasted I-Scream Pop-Tart in all its rectangle glory.

Inside the crust rests the vanilla filling, which is ample in quantity. While it is meant to mimic the likes of vanilla ice cream, it maintains more of a gooey marshmallow consistency and holds a taste similar to that of Betty Crocker vanilla icing, which makes it hard to not smile when consuming. This flavor would threaten to overwhelm my taste buds if it were not for the milk-chocolatey icing, which adds a nice splash of cocoa flavor that both juxtaposes (word of the day) and balances the vanilla.

The pastry crust is crunchy and cracker-like without a distinguishing taste, acting more like a textural canvas to contrast the oozy vanilla filling. My first thought was that it would have been nice to shake up the crust and perhaps made it thin and crisp like a waffle cone, yet that would then pose the question: is it still be a Pop-Tart without the signature thick crust? Or does it morph into a completely different beast? A pastry with a new identity? I don’t know, but I could foresee such a conundrum causing an existential crisis amongst the community of toaster pastries. Thank you, Pop-Tarts, for tactfully avoiding such a catastrophe of pastry identity by keeping the crust the same.

And there are sprinkles! Rainbow sprinkles! The sprinkles are arranged on the frosting with all the logic of a tourist’s map, which would explain why so many tourists get lost every year (a growing problem in many cities). While it may not work for tourists’ maps, the random sprinkling of rainbow happiness adds a bit of visual joy, and I discovered that they don’t burn when you put them in the toaster, a question I’d never wondered, but am relieved to find out.

Like all Pop-Tarts of yore, it is quite sweet and would be better suited for the evening snack than the hearty breakfast. The list of ingredients is a lengthy one, predominantly of the sugar variety. I was a bit disheartened to discover that Pop-Tarts are still mingling around with the hydrogenated oil crowd, but hey, nothing’s perfect, and they do pack a walloping eight vitamins and minerals in there somewhere.

If there’s one final lesson to glean from The Brave Little Toaster, it’s that friendship is magic. Since there are two to a Pop-Tart package, these toaster pastries inspire sharing and will grant you friends beyond the realm Little Toaster’s town could’ve ever imagined, so rip open that aluminum package and share with a pal, or, since these are “I-Scream” Pop-Tarts, haul out the pint of Ben and Jerry’s and smoosh them into an ice cream sandwich.

In the midst of the lights and flashes and winky-dink rides, festivals celebrate the spirit of straightforward innovation, and these Festival Fun Frosted Vanilla I-Scream Pop-Tarts embody that very spirit. While they’re admittedly not revolutionary to the Pop-Tart world, they dare to be simple, a risk perhaps more valiant than going with the wispy trends of high-end vanilla beans and exclusive Verona chocolates. In the midst of an ever-expanding food empire, Pop-Tarts remain humble and they honor that identity here in the form of a chocolate-vanilla square, and that, in and of itself, is worthy of celebration. So break out the toasters, brave venturers, and celebrate.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Limited Edition Frosted Vanilla I-Scream Cone Pop-Tarts
Purchased Price: $2.49
Size: 14.1 ounces/8 pastries
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Lots of chocolate icing. Variety of textures. Sprinkles. Humility. Eight vitamins and minerals. The hope of a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream sandwich. The Brave Little Toaster.. Friendship is magic.
Cons: Hydrogenated oils. Vanilla frosting filling in the guise of ice cream. The threat of overwhelming vanilla flavor. Toaster pastry existential crisis. Nightmares of evil junkyard car crushers.

ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Reviewer Margaret

July 19, 2012December 24, 2020 Margaret 5 Comments

Hi, foodies, funny people, and other reading humans! I’m Margaret, a new reviewer here, ready to help row the ship on this 3-hour tour into the charmed world of processed foods.

While I hail from Nashville, TN, I recently moved up to New York, where I’m working the midnight oil in hopes to attain my Master’s in Dramatic Writing at NYU. In this fair Manhattan, I’ve discovered the salted aroma of the street cart falafel, the joys of having an abundant supply of freshly made pickles, and the certain uninhibited celebration of variety in the supermarket aisles. It is with this celebration in mind that I step a hopeful foot into the door of The Impulsive Buy.

During my childhood, I started living on a solid quantity of peanut butter, waffles, and Cheetos, and I’ve lived a happy life ever since. As a result, I’m an active supporter of yummy food. I appreciate a good cereal and am a master in the art of making the grilled cheese. I’ve got quite a sweet tooth. And a salty tooth. And a crunchy tooth. I must warn you: I’m not a fan of mushy canned vegetables (my apologies to the Green Giant).

But wait…what’s that you say? The canned vegetable industry doesn’t seem to be inundated with a demand for new products?

Whew. That’s a relief.

Other than that, I’m an equal opportunity taster, open to try a bit of anything once and give a sound assessment on its yumminess.

So, with my left hand rested atop the great cookbook of Julia Child and my right hand raised to the sky, I promise to help row this TIB boat into the aisles of supermarket mysteries to assess the bounty of products, be they new, old, or yet-to-be-discovered, highlighting the buried goods and tossing out a fair warning for those swashbugglin’ wannabes that I’d be watchin’ with a wary eye. So set the sail and hoist the mainstay! We’re heading out to the supermarket.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Waffle Breakfast Sandwich

July 18, 2012September 5, 2023 Marvo 4 Comments

Haffles.

I think that’s what I’m going to call the waffles Jack in the Box uses as buns for their new Waffle Breakfast Sandwich.

Or, maybe, waffakeles. Okay, maybe not.

Why haffles? Well, it’s as if Jack’s waffle iron doesn’t have a top or a Dr. Moreau-type successfully combined a waffle with a pancake, because one side looks like an Eggo, but if you flip it over, it’s as flat as a table.

So if you happen to be in the extremely rare situation where you don’t have a coin to flip and need to determine who bats and who bowls in a game of cricket, but have a Jack in the Box Waffle Breakfast Sandwich, you can flip the bun. Actually, since cart-wheeling stump, corridor of uncertainty, cow corner, dibble doubly, flat-track bully, luncheon, mullygrubber, pie chucker, platinum duck, rib tickler, and silly nanny are all cricket terms, “flip the bun” might already be one.

Jack in the Box’s Waffle Breakfast Sandwich features a fried egg, American cheese, and Jack’s new country-grilled sausage in between two lightly sweetened maple haffles. Jack in the Box isn’t the first fast food chain to use starchy breakfast food as buns for a breakfast sandwich. Dunkin’ Donuts offered a waffle sandwich and one that used French toast. Also, McDonald’s has their McGriddles, which use pancakes. Personally, I’m waiting for someone to come out with a breakfast sandwich that uses hash browns as buns.

Although the nutrition facts for Jack’s Waffle Breakfast Sandwich look like it’s for a hefty burger, the sandwich is a bit small. So if you believe breakfast is the most important meal of the day, I’d suggest you order the combo with hash brown sticks and a drink since the sandwich by itself isn’t a filling meal.

The haffles and country-grilled sausage create a wonderful balance of sweet and savory. I don’t remember what Jack’s old breakfast sausage tasted like (or whether it was grilled in the city), so I don’t know if the new stuff is an improvement, but I did enjoy its flavor and texture. The haffles didn’t have a crispy exterior like most waffles, instead it was as limp as a handshake between Indian and Pakistani cricket players. As for their flavor, I don’t know if I would consider them to be maple-y. However, I do think they were perfectly sweetened to complement the sausage.

The American cheese was like Major Toht’s face in Raiders of the Lost Ark — melted beyond recognition. It also didn’t have much flavor. As for the fried egg, its flavor was noticeable, but my tastebuds mostly ignored it and focused on the sweet haffles and savory sausage.

I can’t say I’ve enjoyed Jack in the Box’s other breakfast sandwiches, so I ordered the Breakfast Waffle Sandwich with low expectations. But, it was, surprisingly, very good. Or as they say in cricket, it was a Michelle.

(Nutrition Facts – 479 calories, 306 calories from fat, 33 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 271 milligrams of cholesterol, 983 milligrams of sodium, 230 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 19 grams of protein.)

Other Jack in the Box Waffle Breakfast Sandwich reviews:
So Good Blog
Brand Eating

Item: Jack in the Box Waffle Breakfast Sandwich
Purchased Price: $5.69 (small combo)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very good. Great balance of sweet and savory. Available all day. Finally, a fast food sandwich with completely melted cheese. Cricket references. A Michelle.
Cons: Available for a limited time. Smallish. Indo-Pakistani relations. Awesome source of sodium. Awesome source of trans fat. Waffles were haffles.

REVIEW: Cap’n Crunch’s Cinnamon Roll Crunch

July 17, 2012August 25, 2023 Drew 14 Comments

There’s something a bit surreal about eating breakfast food patterned after an entirely different breakfast food, isn’t there? I don’t want to get overly zen, but it’s like saying, “I enjoy this food enough to want to duplicate its taste, but do you have a slower, less convenient way of eating it?”

We all know cereal is awesome, but you can’t eat it one handed while changing lanes, shifting gears, adjusting the radio, balancing coffee in your lap, and flipping off some moron who’s trying to do too many things at once. And if you can, please cease driving along the PA/NJ border between the hours of 8:30-9:00 every morning.

Nonetheless, Her Majesty’s honorable Captain Horatio Soggybane Crunchley has decided to give it a go, so here we are. If you’re like me, your first thought was, “Did they try to make the pieces look like mini cinnamon rolls? Or will they resemble the jagged Cap’n Crunch bits we all know and some of us love?” The surprising answer is “neither” — these are just little asymmetrical balls, about the size of a Cocoa Puff. No biggie, but it’s slightly puzzling why they didn’t just use the standard CC shape (and for that matter, why they don’t do the same for Peanut Butter Crunch). Either way, it doesn’t impact the taste, and I suppose these are less likely to irritate those with more sensitive palates.

The packaging is fairly typical fare, with the Cap’n holding up a cinnamon roll with wisps of aroma lines that let us know, damn, this fictional drawing of a breakfast pastry smells good. In keeping with the theme, the back has two pictures of a bakery scene, inviting you to find ten differences between them. (I got nine without checking the answers — let me just offer that two of them are such incredibly subtle differences, they make Where’s Waldo look like a child’s search n’ find.) The answer key is on the bottom of the box, though this isn’t clarified anywhere on the package. I guess they figure anyone not smart enough to figure it out isn’t going to be wasting their time with the puzzle anyway.

Continuing on, one side panel boasts the standard nutritional information, the other links to the Cap’n’s website, Facebook page, and Twitter account. Maybe I’m just an old fuddy duddy, but I’m not sure I really want to know that the Cap’n’s current relationship status is “My life, my love and my lady is the Sea” or what he’s hashtagging these days. Although if Quaker Oats just turns the Twitter feed over to some wiseass intern and lets him run with it, I can see the potential for comedic goodness. “Hey, remember when I met Spider-Man? How freaking stoned was whoever dreamed that up? #FourTwenty” or “Avast, y u no like crunchness, Soggmeister? 🙁 ”

I’m realizing we’re four paragraphs in and I haven’t touched on the flavor, so let’s fix that. As you’d expect, these don’t taste exactly like cinnamon rolls, or much like them at all really. In the movie version, the most they’ll be legally allowed to put on screen will be “loosely inspired by.” But they still taste quite good, as I sit here eating dry pieces out of the box, unable to stop myself from reaching for more. There’s a definite cinnamon flavor, though far subtler than you’d find in an actual cinnamon roll. They’re crunchy but not nearly as much so as regular Cap’n Crunch, possibly due to the shape. And if you were hoping for any kind of a frosting drizzle, keep looking. But the smell, while understated, is sugary and appealing.

You know what cereal they vaguely remind me of? The late, much lamented (by me) Waffle Crisp. The texture is a little different, not quite as hard, but they have the same initial burst of sweetness with a maple syrup-y taste. The major difference is that these (obviously) also feature cinnamon, but again, it’s a lot less intense than you’d expect, nowhere near what you’d get from, say, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Which, since we’re addressing the elephant in the room, is still the preferred cinnamon-based breakfast cereal, due to being far more aggressive and flakier. In this case at least, baker comes out on top of seaman. And alas, the good captain’s boast that his cereal doesn’t get soggy in milk is about as credible as his tale of once making it with a mermaid.

But don’t let that steer you away from trying Cap’n Crunch’s Cinnamon Roll Crunch. It’s still a good-tasting cereal that’s worth trying at least once. And since it’s almost certainly for a limited time only, once might be all you get, so hoist the mizzenmast and make for the nearest port immediately.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of total fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat 0 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of total carbohydrates 1 gram of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugars, 10 grams of other carbohydrates, and 1 gram of protein)

Item: Cap’n Crunch’s Cinnamon Roll Crunch
Purchased Price: $3.79
Size: 10.3 ounces
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes kind of like Waffle Crisp. Back-of-the-box activities that actually make you work. Crunchy, and sweet but not overly so. Successfully resisting a poop deck joke. Good for dry snacking. What I imagine the Cap’n’s Twitter feed to be like.
Cons: Less interesting shape than normal CC. Cinnamon taste a little subtle. Gets soggy. Makes you crave an actual cinnamon roll. What the Cap’n’s Twitter feed is probably actually like.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because We Want To Help Your Bare Head, Chest, and Freezer

July 16, 2012December 24, 2020 Marvo 383 Comments

Does your freezer look bare? Is the top of your head naked? Don’t have a utensil to scoop out ice cream? Worried about frostbite when holding a pint of ice cream? Need a huge bag to carry stuff? Are you topless?

Well, today is your lucky day because you can enter to win a prize pack from fine folks at Ben & Jerry’s that could solve every single one of those problems.

The prize pack includes a huge Ben & Jerry’s reusable bag, a Ben & Jerry’s pint cozy, an aluminum Ben & Jerry’s ice cream scoop, a Ben & Jerry’s Greek Frozen Yogurt trucker hat and t-shirt (size XL), and 10 coupons for a free pint of Ben & Jerry’s (yes, ten, even though the photo above shows only five).

To enter The Impulsive Buy’s Ben & Jerry’s prize pack giveaway, leave a comment with THIS post. I don’t care what you say in your comment, but it would be nice if it contained one of the following:

1. Your favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavor of all time.

2. The word “Moooooooooo!”

Please don’t forget to fill out the email field because I’ll be emailing the randomly selected winner for his or her mailing address. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Friday, July 27, 2012 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one comment allowed per person, and it’s only open to U.S. residents who are at least 18 years old.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you YouTube links that will lead to horrible “Call Me Maybe” parodies. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you J. Crew catalogs. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or not having enough room for all the free Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

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