REVIEW: Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch

kazaam

I’m really skeptical about anything named Kazaam.

I blame it on the 1996 movie starring professional basketball player Shaquille O’Neal called ”Kazaam”. It took away 90 minutes of my life that I will never EVER get back. It took away $6.50 that I’ll never see again. It also made me start my mental list called “Movies I Can’t Believe I Fricken’ Sat Through.”

“Kazaam” was in the number one spot for several years, until it was replaced in 2003 by the American Idol flick “From Justin to Kelly.”

Damn, the things I’d do for a woman.

The Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch are basically a chocolate dip away from being a Kudos Bar, with its granola, rice krispies, and chocolate chips. I happened to get my hands on the caramel one, but they also come in cookies & cream and rainbow chip.

They’re good. They’re sweet. They’re crunchy. They’re glorified granola bars.

Remember when granola was only eaten by dirty hippies who didn’t believe in deodorant.

I do.

Damn, dirty hippies!

Anyway, each box comes with eight bars and I went through all eight in two days. So they must be really good or I’m so bored that I have nothing else better to do than eat a box of Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch and watch Oprah.

So there are three things I want you to remember from this review: (1) Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch is good. (2) Shaquille O’Neal’s “Kazaam” is bad. (3) Hippies should use deodorant.

Item: Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Waaay better than the movie Kazaam. Granola is no longer for just dirty hippies.
Cons: Sort of like a Kudos Bar. Damn hippies!

REVIEW: Butterfinger Hot Cocoa Mix

Butterfinger Hot Cocoa Mix

I don’t get addicted to powdery substances that are sold by the gram in small packets very often, but when I do, let me tell you, it’s hard to kick the addiction.

This was the case with the new Butterfinger Hot Cocoa Mix. It tastes like Butterfinger, except without the melted chocolate on my fingers, the crispy peanut butter crumbs around my mouth, and the annoying folks who see me eating a Butterfinger and try to be funny by saying, “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger” like Bart Simpson.

It’s damn good stuff and it’s perfect for keeping me warm during these cold winter nights that get down to the high 60’s here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. (Hey, it’s fricken’ cold to me!)

Every time I take a hit of the Butterfinger Hot Cocoa Mix, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It’s much better than the cold, dark, and bitter feeling I usually have.

It took about two days to blow off that first box of eight hits. They were so good and they made me feel so warm that I wanted more. Fortunately, when I bought the first box, I bought it for $2.00. But when I went to buy more at the “store” I shop at, the price jumped to $3.69.

I KNEW that was going to happen. That’s just how the “game” is played. First, they sell it to me cheap and when I get hooked on it, they jack up the price.

You know what, I can quit whenever I want, man.

I don’t NEED the Butterfinger Hot Cocoa Mix.

I can get addicted to something else. Something that’s FREE.

Maybe exercise.

Or television.

Or window shopping.

Or Dr. Phil.

Okay wait, definitely NOT Dr. Phil.

Oh man it’s cold. I could definitely use some Butterfinger Hot Cocoa Mix right now.

Item: Butterfinger Cocoa Mix
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Tastes like Butterfinger. Great with hot milk or with hot water.
Cons: Addictive.

REVIEW: Apple iPod Socks

ipodsocks

You would think if they called something a sock, you’d be able to wear it on your feet, but this was not the case with Apple iPod Socks, unless you’re a baby or a midget.

I wanted to put one on a baby’s foot, but I couldn’t get my hands on a baby.

Let me tell you, it’s hard to find at the last minute a baby to use as a test subject. Even with $50,000 through the Black Market, our sources said it would’ve taken at least a couple of days.

The iPod Socks come in a six-pack, with each box containing a gray, pink, blue, green, purple, and orange two-toned sock. They are supposed to be used as cases for the popular iPod.

Being a manly man, I will not be caught using the pink iPod Sock. I don’t care if pink is the new black. I had a horrible experience with wearing the color pink.

The last time I wore pink was to a junior prom. My date wore a pink and white dress and wanted to match, so she suggested made me wear a white tuxedo with a pink tie and cummerbund. I can’t believe I did that just so I could go to the junior prom as a sophomore.

When we went to the prom, it turned out that I was the ONLY guy in a white tuxedo. The only way I could’ve stood out more was if I wore a pink and white top hat with a neon sign that said, “Look at me! I’M LAME.”

The iPod Sock fits nicely over my third generation iPod, which will keep it nice and warm during these cold winter months. However, when I’m using an iPod Sock I don’t have access to the controls, which is a problem when I desperately don’t want to listen to my ex-girlfriend’s Backstreet Boys and New Age music that I’m too lazy to remove from my iTunes library.

Despite making wonderful iPod warmers, the iPod Socks are one-dimensional. I can’t use them as actual socks on my feet, but I did try them on other body parts to see if they would fit and be able to keep those body parts warm.

Ears…Yup.

Nose…Nope.

Fingers…Four of them.

Tongue…Yes.

Um…Heh, heh…Need a MUCH bigger sock for that.

Okay, not really.

Item: Apple iPod Socks
Purchase Price: $29.00
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Six colorful socks. Fits any iPod. Keeps iPod warm.
Cons: Very pricey. Can’t use on my feet. No access to iPod controls.

Firefox 1.0

Firefox

There has been a lot of talk about the recently released final version of the web browser Firefox 1.0.

Much of the talk has been about how it compares to Microsoft Internet Explorer (IE), how it’s safer, how it’s faster, blah, blah, blah. Here at the Impulsive Buy, we decided to review Firefox in a way that’s really helpful for some of you. We decided to review Firefox in relation to viewing corn.

That’s right, you heard us and we’re not ashamed to admit it. We like to view corn on our computers.

Whether it’s white corn, or black corn, or any other kind of corn, we really like corn. Because there is so much corn out there to view, we needed a browser that makes it easier to look at corn. We think we’ve found it in Firefox 1.0.

The biggest thing that really helped with our excessive corn viewing was tabbed browsing, which allows us to open many corn sites with one window. There’s also a feature that allows us to open a group of bookmarks at the same time in separate tabs, which is great when we want to open all of our asian corn sites at the same time.

IE doesn’t have tabs and because it doesn’t have tabs we were getting caught viewing corn. With IE, we had to open each corn site in a separate window and when we heard someone coming we had to scramble to hide all the windows, which is a very time consuming process. Now with tabs, all we have to hide is one window.

Brilliant!

We think the developers of Firefox had corn viewers in mind when they came up with tabbed browsing.

Another important feature is the pop-up blocker. When viewing the many corn sites there are tons of pop-up windows, which mostly ask us if we want more hot corn. These pop-ups drive us insane, but with Firefox we can stop pop-ups with a click of a button.

The last feature we will talk about are the extensions you can install for Firefox. Our favorite is a music controller, because we can listen to 70’s corn music while viewing corn. Bow chica. Bow chica.

There’s also an extension that allows web surfers to easily control Firefox using only mouse gestures, which is very useful for corn viewers, who always surf with only one hand.

If you haven’t downloaded Firefox, we highly recommend you do. The tabs alone make it worthwhile, whether you like corn or not.


Item: Firefox 1.0
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tabbed windows. Pop-up blocker. Google search field. Makes it easier to view corn.
Cons: Still has some kinks, which maybe good if you’re kinky.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake

Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake

I was first introduced to tryptophan by Mr. Claybaugh, my seventh grade history teacher. He told us about how turkey contains tryptophan, which is an amino acid that can make us sleepy. Mr. Claybaugh also told us that the only cure for overcoming the effects of tryptophan was to eat lots of pumpkin pie.

I don’t know if he was telling the truth or not.

Unfortunately, I haven’t really had a chance to prove it. Like most people at Thanksgiving, I always eat lots of turkey, mashed potatoes, ham, and yams. When dessert time rolls around, there isn’t much room for anything else, so I’ll only eat a slice of pumpkin pie, which probably isn’t enough to defeat the effects of tryptophan.

So before going on my trip to Las Vegas, I decided to find out the truth.

So I went to the national grocery store chain I shop at and looked for turkey. Unfortunately, finding a turkey right before Thanksgiving turned out to be a difficult task, because the store sold out. I thought about it for a few moments and a lightbulb popped into my head.

I walked to the deli counter to see if they had turkey and they did. I asked for a pound of turkey, which I received nicely sliced.

Now I that I had my turkey, all I needed was the pumpkin pie. Unfortunately, finding a pumpkin pie right before Thanksgiving also turned out to be a difficult task. Because it was almost Thanksgiving, I needed to order a pumpkin pie 24 hours in advance.

So instead of buying a pumpkin pie, I decided to pick up the new Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake, which is made with pumpkin-flavored ice cream seasoned with nutmeg and cinnamon. Close enough, right?

Now that I had my turkey and my “pumpkin pie,” the experiment could begin.

I ate the pound of turkey and then I tanked the medium-sized Pumpkin Pie Shake. The shake was really good and it tasted like pumpkin pie. Too bad Jack in the Box is only making these for a limited time.

After finishing off the Pumpkin Pie Shake, I sat in front of the television and watched the Tony Danza Show.

Minutes later I fell asleep.

After I woke up and wiped the drool from my face, I realized that maybe the Pumpkin Pie Shake wasn’t a good substitute for an actual pumpkin pie.

I also realized there are other things that will work much better to combat the effects of tryptophan and the Tony Danza Show. These include coffee, caffeine, and crack.

Item: Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake
Purchase Price: $2.29 (medium)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like pumpkin pie. Surprisingly good. Don’t have to worry about pie crust.
Cons: Not a good replacement to overcome effects of tryptophan or the Tony Danza Show.