NEWS: Limited Edition Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts Could Help Create The Saddest Thanksgiving Meal Ever

Read our review of Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts here

When combined with a convenience store turkey sandwich, Ocean Spray cranberry juice and mashed potatoes with gravy from KFC, the Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts could be the dessert that ends the most depressing Thanksgiving meal ever. Or if the Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts are still around in December, they could end the most depressing Christmas meal ever.

The latest Pop-Tarts flavor is made up of white dough with pumpkin pie filling (yes, pumpkin is listed in the ingredients list) and is topped with white frosting and fall-colored sprinkles. It will only be available in a 12-count box.

One pastry contains 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.

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NEWS: Slurpee Introduces Significantly Less Chewable Version of Wrigley’s 5 React Fruit Gum

To come up with the latest flavor, 5 React Fruit, it seems like the folks at Slurpee were inspired by what they saw on the gum shelves at 7-Eleven.

Thankfully, they weren’t inspired by the chip aisle, because Cool Ranch Doritos Slurpee doesn’t sound very refreshing, even if it does have the word “cool” in it.

I enjoy the gum version of Wrigley’s 5 React Fruit, but I hope the Slurpee version doesn’t look like the gum, which is gray in color and comes in a black wrapper. (Read Gigi’s review of the gum)

An 8 ounce serving has 66 calories, 0 grams of fat, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 18 grams of sugar, 6 milligrams of sodium and 8 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.

REVIEW: Nestle Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa Mix

Nestle Women's Wellness Hot Cocoa Mix

Hey ladies! Nestle wants to make “warm chocolatey memories” with you. How do I know? Because they say so on every envelope of their Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa Mix.

Ha! I laugh at Nestle’s poor attempt to make warm chocolatey memories with women.

Do you women want warm chocolatey memories that you’ll never forget? Well just stick of bottle of chocolate syrup into the microwave for 30 seconds, grab a Costco-sized bag of mini marshmallows, tear open a box of graham crackers and get ready to turn my body into human s’mores.

Oh wait. Did I say warm chocolatey memories that you’ll never forget?

I meant to say warm chocolatey memories that will forever be etched into your brain and haunt you every time your eyelids close, like a hairy, chocolate-covered Freddy Krueger. Now that I’ve got that image in your head, ladies, perhaps to cope you should cuddle with a mug of Nestle Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa, a women’s magazine and watch The Notebook.

Or guzzle a bottle of tequila.

Nestle Women's Wellness Hot Cocoa Mix 2

The Nestle Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa Mix is like a women’s multivitamin, except in liquid chocolatey form, which makes it easier to swallow than a multivitamin. It contains 25 percent of a woman’s recommended daily intake of vitamin A, vitamin E, vitamin B12 and vitamin B6; 30 percent of vitamin C and iron; and 35 percent calcium. It’s also 99.9 percent caffeine free, which is disappointing if someone was looking for a quick pick-me-up. Although if one were to add a bit of Kahlua, it could turn into a quick pick-me-up, which I like to call Wild Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa.

Without alcohol, the Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa pretty much has the same pleasant chocolatey flavor as regular Nestle Hot Cocoa, although I think it might be slightly creamier. I also whipped up a serving using vanilla soy milk, which made it taste significantly better. The six-ounce serving each envelope makes is awfully small, but it’s a common serving size when it comes to hot cocoa mixes.

Because the Nestle Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa Mix is made for women, I expected it to make me cry like The Notebook does when Allie remembers who Noah is one last time and they pass away together in her bed holding hands. But, thankfully, it didn’t.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 envelope – 80 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 25% vitamin A, 35% calcium, 25% vitamin E, 25% vitamin B12, 30% vitamin C, 30% iron and 25% vitamin B6.)

*uses partially hydrogenated coconut or palm oil

Item: Nestle Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa Mix
Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 8 envelopes
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant chocolatey flavor. Nice amounts of vitamins and minerals that women need. Easier to swallow than a multivitamin. Wild Women’s Wellness Hot Cocoa. Allie and Noah being together forever.
Cons: Small six ounce serving size. 99.9 percent caffeine free. Doesn’t create warm chocolatey memories. Contains less than 0.5 grams of trans fat. The image of my body covered in chocolate sauce, mini marshmallows and graham crackers.

REVIEW: Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles

Suck it, Joey Chestnut!

I just downed four Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes. Sure, you’ve gobbled 241 chicken wings in 30 minutes, swallowed 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes, consumed 6.3 pounds of asparagus in 11.5 minutes, chugged a gallon of milk in 41 seconds, and scarfed down 10.5 pounds of macaroni and cheese in seven minutes, but I’m pretty sure you’ve ingested zero Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes, so I’m totally kicking your ass right now.

Actually, I probably hold the world record in the number Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles consumed in 45 minutes. I haven’t heard of anyone else accomplishing what I did. Originally, I only did it because on the product’s packaging there are four ways to prepare the Snack’n Waffles — microwave, thaw and serve, toaster and conventional oven — and I wanted to try them all. But after I was done with the last one, I realized that I might’ve accomplished something that has never been done before. So I searched the internet and found out that no one else did it, including you.

But you did once inhale 103 Krystal sliders in 8 minutes and 9.8 pounds of pork rib meat in 12 minutes.

When you do attempt to beat my world record of four Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes, which you won’t beat, might I suggest preparing them in the microwave so that you don’t have to wait very long to taste something sweet before you taste the bitterness of defeat and your sour tears from failure.

I would also suggest having a lot of napkins around because these mini Belgian Waffle-looking snacks are messy thanks to the real chocolate chips in them, which seem to melt at room temperature. Each Snack’n Waffle has 16 grams of whole grains, but you probably won’t notice because the chocolate chips and presweetened waffle pretty much hides that fact from your taste buds.

Yes, they are a bit sweet, but I think they’re quite good.

However, not everything about them is so sweet. They don’t taste as good out of the toaster. Even though it warms the Snack’n Waffles up and makes them crispy, it’s like the toaster burned away some of the chocolate flavor. But they do taste fine after either sticking them in a conventional oven for 5-7 minutes or letting them thaw for 30 minutes.

Also, their density doesn’t remind me of regular waffles, instead they feel a lot like the sponge I use to wash my dishes every two weeks or when the roaches start living in my sink. So maybe you’ll have to employ the Takeru Kobayashi technique of dipping them into water so that they’re easier to eat when you’re trying to beat my world record of eating four Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes.

Bring it, Joey Chestnut!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 waffle (2 ounces) – 220 calories, 8 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 2% calcium and 4% iron.)

*uses fully hydrogenated cottonseed oil

Item: Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 4 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Quite good. Individually wrapped. Don’t need to add syrup. My world record of eating four Smuckers Chocolate Chip Snack’n Waffles in 45 minutes. Has 16 grams of whole grains. Watching someone eat 241 chicken wings in 30 minutes and consume 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes.
Cons: Might be too sweet for some. It feels like I’m eating my dishwashing sponge. Hella messy. Doesn’t taste as good out of the toaster. Being in the same public restroom as someone who has just eaten either 241 chicken wings in 30 minutes or 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes.

REVIEW: Madden ’11 Inspired Doritos (Stadium Nacho & Tailgater BBQ)

I’m amazed with what Doritos is capable of doing with their tortilla chips. They do some crazy magic with seasonings and monosodium glutamate. Mountain Dew-flavored chips…BOOM! Fast food taco-flavored chips…KAPOW! Cheeseburger-flavored chips…(insert here favorite onomatopoeia used during the fight scenes in the 1960s Batman TV series)!

The only way I can imagine they came up with such flavors is by snorting monosodium glutamate through a hollowed out Cheetos puff off of the gut of a future Biggest Loser contestant to stimulate the right side of their brain.

While the folks at Doritos would never admit to using MSG like Jim Morrison used heroin to create music, Ernest Hemingway used alcohol to write prose and Phil Collins used baldness to come up with his song “Sussudio,” they have admitted their newest flavors, Tailgater BBQ and Stadium Nacho, were inspired by the football video game Madden ’11.

For those of you who have never played a minute of Madden in its 22-year history, it allows football fans to control any NFL team, and depending on what level of difficulty one sets the game at, they can make the impossible possible, like having the Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl by beating their opponent 259-0 with their third string quarterback. Of course, one of the downsides of playing Madden is having the voices of either John Madden or Cris Collinsworth haunt your dreams by repeating the same color commentary over and over again, especially Madden’s “BOOM!” which has been known to spoil lovemaking sessions.

While the unusual flavors Doritos creates are awe-inspiring, what’s even more impressive is how accurate those unusual flavors are compared with the real thing. Their Doritos Late Night Cheeseburger tastes like cheeseburgers, their Doritos Late Night Tacos tastes like fast food tacos and the Tailgater BBQ and Stadium Nacho are supposed to taste like barbeque pork and nachos with jalapenos, respectively.

Because I’ve read previous reviews of the Tailgater BBQ, I knew I should expect a barbeque pork flavor, but for unsuspecting folks, its flavor will be kind of a mindfuck. The chip starts off with a sweet barbeque flavor that’s similar to barbeque Lay’s potato chips, and then the smoky pork flavor hits the tongue. At first, I thought the greasy pork flavor seemed a bit odd to have with a chip and it slightly grossed me out, but after eating a bit more, I got used to the flavor..a little. I kind of like Tailgater BBQ, but I don’t think I can eat too much of it in one sitting because I’m afraid its greasy pork flavor will eventually freak out my taste buds.

The Stadium Nacho flavor is definitely my favorite of the two Madden ’11 Inspired Flavors, even though it’s just another addition to the long line of cheesy Doritos flavors. But that’s probably a good thing because while the folks at Doritos do a good job of creating chips that taste like meat, they do a much better job at develop cheesy-flavored chips. The Stadium Nacho has a nacho cheese sauce flavor that would make Taco Bell proud, and then make them check to see if any of their nacho cheese sauce patents were violated because the chips taste almost exactly like Taco Bell’s nacho cheese sauce. But what makes the Stadium Nacho tasty in my mind is the mild jalapeno flavor, which also gives the chips a very, very slight kick.

Since a new version of Madden is released every year, I’d like to see Doritos comes up with flavors inspired by Madden ’12. I’m hoping after the people at Doritos snort monosodium glutamate through a hollowed out Cheetos puff off of the gut of a future Biggest Loser contestant they’ll come up with hot dog or beer-flavored Doritos.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – Stadium Nachos – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and 2% vitamin A. Tailgater BBQ – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% vitamin B6 and 2% magnesium.)

Item: Madden ’11 Inspired Doritos (Stadium Nacho & Tailgater BBQ)
Price: $2.98 each
Size: 11.5 ounces
Purchased at: The Blue Store That Makes Kmart Look Slightly Better
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Tailgater BBQ)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Stadium Nacho)
Pros: Accurate flavors. Stadium Nacho was tasty thanks to Taco Bell-ish nacho cheese sauce flavor and jalapeno flavor. Inventive Doritos flavors. 1960s Batman TV show. Winning the Super Bowl in Madden using the easy level of difficulty.
Cons: Tailgater BBQ’s pork flavor can seem a little weird. Contains MSG. Having John Madden saying “BOOM!” over and over again in your dreams. Trying to hollow out a Cheetos puff. Snorting MSG.