To most of the world, the word “tropical” bring to mind images of sandy beaches, colorful umbrellas blocking the sun gently, coconut drinks, a dramatic bead of sweat seductively rolling down near cleavage, and skies so deep blue they belong in a Michael Mann film.

To those who grew up in a tropical climate, it means butt-crack sweat, hair destroying humidity, stifling heat when the sea breezes refuse to come, body odor, regretful exposed tattoos on leathery old people, and weird fucking bugs with lots of legs and antennas.

Sorry to ruin it, but the tropics ain’t the shit you’re led to believe in those Royal Caribbean cruise line commercials. Hell no a coconut rum drink served by some vague Jamaican tinged Islanderish accent isn’t going to wash the memory of that flying cockroach flying in my mouth when I was walking my dog outside near some palm trees.

But I’m not an idiot. Like parents…sometimes the ideal is more important than reality.

Now I’m a 7UP guy. Nothing quenches the thirsties after mowing the lawn on a disgustingly hot day like a fresh out of the fridge 7UP. And if you have a Cherry 7UP, well now we’re talking. But now Tropical 7UP has made a quiet introduction. However, the can will definitely catch your eye because it’s a nice bright orange with the iconic 7UP logo emblazoned in large print.

At Epcot, Coca-Cola has this place where you can try all these international varieties for free called Club Cool. Trust me when I say this, I will drink the bitch out of some Beverly, a bitter soda from Italy. Everyone else makes faces like they are either in mid-orgasm or suffering from pain when they drink it.

The reason I bring this up is because I assumed Tropical 7UP was going to taste like those strange Fanta sodas from Latin countries or China that all the kids pine for inside Club Cool. Those Fantas just suck as they are full of depressing, indistinguishable melon flavors and are heavy handed with the sugar.

Upon pouring Tropical 7UP in a glass, imposing but vague melon tones erupted out, which was followed by a sickly sweet smell. I was turned off by it and wasn’t encouraged. A second pour released a faint pineapple scent I did not initially notice. I poured more and the smell of the orange zest peeked through.

I took a sip and was surprised. The taste was a refreshing balance of light melon and citrus, but the type of melon and citrus were indistinguishable. However, these flavors and scents, when combined, created images of a sunny beach with breezes lightly kissing your skin. I swear I could hear the steel drums playing in the distance. The crispness of the first cold sip was welcoming and the second washed away thoughts of unwillingly fellating a flying cockroach.

The citrus flavors complement the melon and only add to the refreshment. I have to give a nod to 7UP for not going too hard on the sweetness, but like one who argues but knows they are wrong, I spoke too soon. It makes me a bit sad to acknowledge that there is a lingering sweetness that ruins it after a while because each sip intensifies this to the point where your tongue is covered in syrupy sweetness.

Like a shandy, the key is you need to drink this thing ice cold or else the cloying sweetness will overpower the beverage. Also like a shandy, a few sips are really enough because I can’t imagine anybody wanting to drink the entire sixteen ounce can.

Also, as soon as it warms up slightly, the soda is ruined for me. The sweet finish overpowers the taste and you’re left with a three parts powdered fruit punch to one part water type of drink. I cannot stress enough how the sweetness just strangles you. In fact, I’m not sure if children could down the entire can unless they were the offspring of the Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 190 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 50 sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Tropical 7UP
Purchased Price: 99 cents
Size: 16 oz can
Purchased at: Publix
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: When very cold, this drink is crisp and refreshing. Killer Klowns. The melon flavors are light. The citrus tones compliment the melon flavor. The idea of tropical.
Cons: When getting less cold, the drink is sluggish and too sweet. John Wayne Gacy and clowns in general. The heaviness of the sugar kills the drink. One cannot finish a whole can unless one wants to get diabetic neuropathy and blindness. The reality of tropical.