REVIEW: Simple 7UP

Simple 7Up Box

What is Simple 7UP?

7UP has employed the KISS principle (“Keep It Simple, Stupid”) and brought us all a pared down version of its lemon-lime soft drink. Simple 7UP is as uncomplicated as possible with only six real ingredients: filtered carbonated water, sugar, citric acid, lemon extract, lime extract, and stevia leaf extract.

How is it?

Simple 7Up Top

I was optimistic about this soda as I smelled it in the can since it had a much more distinct lemon and lime scent than I’m used to from 7UP. When I took a sip, it initially excited me with its exceptionally light and crisp flavor, reminding me of a sparkling citrus juice beverage. Unlike regular 7UP, which encases blended lemon-lime flavor in a rounded syrupiness, Simple 7UP had noticeably separate flavors of lemon and lime that were lightly sweetened and incredibly fresh in the carbonated water. And despite using extracts instead of juice, the taste of each managed to shine without being too strong.

Simple 7Up Glass

But then the stevia had to go and complicate things. The sip that started off so strong quickly turned bitter yet off-puttingly sweet, then had the audacity to finish on that terrible note. And so it went for each sip until I’d had enough about half of a can in.

The highs were so high and the lows were so low, I’m honestly not sure how I feel about this soda.

Anything else you need to know?

It seems like 7UP isn’t sure how they feel about it either, since there’s barely any mention of the beverage from the brand online; it’s conspicuously absent from the product section of its website. I found one article saying Simple 7UP was being test-marketed about a year ago, but couldn’t find any information about this rollout.

Additionally, I was surprised to learn the original 7UP also only contains six ingredients. So, keep in mind the simplicity here lies in the “real”ness of the ingredients themselves, not their quantity.


Simple 7Up Can

Simply said, I’m torn. I loved how five of the six ingredients worked together, but the inclusion of stevia caused each sip to end on a flavor repellent enough for me to decide to not purchase again. Anyone who’s ever seen how much sugar is in a lemonade recipe can understand the hesitation to make sugar the only sweetener in a citrus soda, but it’s hard to not imagine how spectacular Simple 7UP could have tasted if they had kept it even simpler.

Purchased Price: $6.49
Size: 12 pack (12 oz cans)
Purchased at: Ralphs
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 can) 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of total carbohydrates, 28 grams of total sugars, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: 7UP Pomegranate (2021)

Pomegranate 7 Up  2021 Bottle

What is 7UP Pomegranate?

First introduced in 2007, and not seen on shelves since 2016, this limited edition product makes its return just in time for the winter season. Bright red, this soda combines pomegranate flavor with the standard 7UP lemon-lime.??

How is it?

Holiday themed sodas are easily one of my favorite things about the dark, cold months ahead. Drinks that are normally cloyingly sweet affairs now have an edge to them that makes them extremely enjoyable.

Pomegranate 7 Up  2021 Top

7UP Pomegranate, however, falls short of impressing me. Instead of the pomegranate hitting first, it’s overwhelmingly the standard lemon lime taste. The red fruit comes towards the end, but not the way I was hoping for. It’s very subtle and seems to dull the sweetness associated with lemon lime soda more than add a new flavor profile. It’s definitely not like the pomegranate-flavored Red Bull I tried a few weeks ago.

Pomegranate is just a hard flavor to execute, but I do applaud 7UP for at least swerving left when most companies swerve right (cranberry) when it comes to adding holiday tastes to their products.

Anything else you need to know?

This site did a review of it when it first came out in 2007. I avoided reading it until I had finished my own review. Apparently the pomegranate wasn’t strong then either. You’d think they’d have tweaked it a bit in the last 14 years.


Pomegranate 7 Up  2021 Label

While a perfectly drinkable item, it fails to deliver the pomegranate flavor in any meaningful way. It tastes more like a slightly less sweet, bright red 7UP than a whole new variety.

Purchased Price: $1.25
Size: 2 Liter
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (12oz) 140 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 38 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Tropical 7UP

Tropical 7Up

To most of the world, the word “tropical” bring to mind images of sandy beaches, colorful umbrellas blocking the sun gently, coconut drinks, a dramatic bead of sweat seductively rolling down near cleavage, and skies so deep blue they belong in a Michael Mann film.

To those who grew up in a tropical climate, it means butt-crack sweat, hair destroying humidity, stifling heat when the sea breezes refuse to come, body odor, regretful exposed tattoos on leathery old people, and weird fucking bugs with lots of legs and antennas.

Sorry to ruin it, but the tropics ain’t the shit you’re led to believe in those Royal Caribbean cruise line commercials. Hell no a coconut rum drink served by some vague Jamaican tinged Islanderish accent isn’t going to wash the memory of that flying cockroach flying in my mouth when I was walking my dog outside near some palm trees.

But I’m not an idiot. Like parents…sometimes the ideal is more important than reality.

Now I’m a 7UP guy. Nothing quenches the thirsties after mowing the lawn on a disgustingly hot day like a fresh out of the fridge 7UP. And if you have a Cherry 7UP, well now we’re talking. But now Tropical 7UP has made a quiet introduction. However, the can will definitely catch your eye because it’s a nice bright orange with the iconic 7UP logo emblazoned in large print.

At Epcot, Coca-Cola has this place where you can try all these international varieties for free called Club Cool. Trust me when I say this, I will drink the bitch out of some Beverly, a bitter soda from Italy. Everyone else makes faces like they are either in mid-orgasm or suffering from pain when they drink it.

The reason I bring this up is because I assumed Tropical 7UP was going to taste like those strange Fanta sodas from Latin countries or China that all the kids pine for inside Club Cool. Those Fantas just suck as they are full of depressing, indistinguishable melon flavors and are heavy handed with the sugar.

Tropical 7Up Closeup

Upon pouring Tropical 7UP in a glass, imposing but vague melon tones erupted out, which was followed by a sickly sweet smell. I was turned off by it and wasn’t encouraged. A second pour released a faint pineapple scent I did not initially notice. I poured more and the smell of the orange zest peeked through.

I took a sip and was surprised. The taste was a refreshing balance of light melon and citrus, but the type of melon and citrus were indistinguishable. However, these flavors and scents, when combined, created images of a sunny beach with breezes lightly kissing your skin. I swear I could hear the steel drums playing in the distance. The crispness of the first cold sip was welcoming and the second washed away thoughts of unwillingly fellating a flying cockroach.

The citrus flavors complement the melon and only add to the refreshment. I have to give a nod to 7UP for not going too hard on the sweetness, but like one who argues but knows they are wrong, I spoke too soon. It makes me a bit sad to acknowledge that there is a lingering sweetness that ruins it after a while because each sip intensifies this to the point where your tongue is covered in syrupy sweetness.

Like a shandy, the key is you need to drink this thing ice cold or else the cloying sweetness will overpower the beverage. Also like a shandy, a few sips are really enough because I can’t imagine anybody wanting to drink the entire sixteen ounce can.

Also, as soon as it warms up slightly, the soda is ruined for me. The sweet finish overpowers the taste and you’re left with a three parts powdered fruit punch to one part water type of drink. I cannot stress enough how the sweetness just strangles you. In fact, I’m not sure if children could down the entire can unless they were the offspring of the Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 190 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 50 sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Tropical 7UP
Purchased Price: 99 cents
Size: 16 oz can
Purchased at: Publix
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: When very cold, this drink is crisp and refreshing. Killer Klowns. The melon flavors are light. The citrus tones compliment the melon flavor. The idea of tropical.
Cons: When getting less cold, the drink is sluggish and too sweet. John Wayne Gacy and clowns in general. The heaviness of the sugar kills the drink. One cannot finish a whole can unless one wants to get diabetic neuropathy and blindness. The reality of tropical.

Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus

Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus

They say that pink is the new black and it’s the color everyone should have.

Since I always yearn to be cool and hip, I decided to get some pink in my life. I did this by buying a Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus. However, instead of being cool and hip, it seemed like I was losing my masculinity.

I felt so girly buying something pink. Part of me felt like I should pick up some wine coolers and tampons as well.

It’s like the testosterone in me was being sucked out. The feeling was very similar to the one I got whenever I stepped into a Hello Kitty store.

While I waited in line to pay for the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus, the girl in front of me told her friend how cute the color of the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus was and how it totally match her pink top.

I totally agreed! I also thought her friend’s shoes were really cute and I wanted to know where she got them from.

When I got back from the store, I decided to try the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus. While drinking it, I had the sudden urge to plop on the couch, watch the movie Beaches and paint my nails.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing with nail polish and a copy of Beaches.

So what mix of berries do they use in the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus? According to the label, it looked like strawberry and raspberry. There’s also a little bit of apple juice, which the last time I checked, wasn’t a berry.

I guess apple is becoming the new berry.

It also contains Splenda, which I hear is the new Nutrasweet.

Unfortunately, the taste of the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus was very light, like a really bad diet soda. I guess when it contains ten calories, two grams of carbs, and one gram of sugar, you can’t expect much taste, but those numbers will definitely help prevent my ass from looking huge in those cute jeans I just bought.

After finishing the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus, allowing my crimson passion-colored nails to dry, and using half a box of tissues while watching Beaches, I felt myself getting manly again.

I wanted to speed up the process, so I plopped on the couch again, flipped on ESPN, and looked through my collection of Playboy magazines.

Within a few hours, I felt like barbequing.

Item: Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus
Purchase Price: $0.99 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: A little vitamin C and calcium. Low calories. Low sugar. Low carbs.
Cons: Very light taste. Caffeine free. Somewhat emasculating.