REVIEW: Oscar Mayer Lunchables Chicken Dunks

Marvo 14 Comments

Oscar Mayer Lunchables Chicken Dunks

I’ve never had a Lunchables before, but I’ve always been curious about trying them. Sort of like how I’ve been curious about getting a nipple pierced.

I guess I’ve never tried them because I feel that I’m a little too old to be eating them. I’m also afraid to get caught with them in my shopping cart, because it will make me look like either a father or a big loser.

But then again, I do eat a lot of Pop-Tarts and kids cereals.

Hmm…So that’s why all the women turn their shopping carts away from me.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, Impulsive Buy reader Mia asked us if we could review the new Lunchables Chicken Dunks.

I agreed to look for them and believe me, I REALLY had to look for them.

For over a week, I went searching high and low for them, but couldn’t find them anywhere. Not at the national grocery store chain, or at the locally-owned supermarket, or at the world-dominating superstore behemoth. They were elusive, like topless photos of the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Wait. They’re 18 years old, right? I don’t want to seem creepy.

I already seem creepy?

DAMMIT!!!

Anyway, I thought that I would have to wait another week for them to arrive on shelves here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. (Just to let you know, things like this come by boat.) Fortunately, while looking for lunch at the convenient store down the street, I finally happened to come across the Lunchables Chicken Dunks.

It seemed like it took forever to find them.

Well at least I didn’t have to wait in line for three and a half hours, like I had to do for the Bellagio’s Thanksgiving Buffet in Las Vegas.

When I got home, one thing that caught my eye on the box was the phrase, “Tastes Great…No Need To Heat.”

I thought to myself, “You can actually eat the Chicken Dunks COLD?”

Well I did just that, although I did heat up a couple of chicken pieces to compare. In both instances, no matter how many times I dunked the chicken into the ketchup (which they provided), they both tasted kind of gross.

It’s a good thing the Lunchables Chicken Dunks came with a tropical punch Kool-Aid Jammers juice because I NEEDED something to wash the chicken down.

Item: Oscar Mayer Lunchables Chicken Dunks
Purchase Price: $3.79
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Starburst fruit chews. Kool Aid Jammers Tropical Punch.
Cons: Chicken tastes gross cold. Chicken tastes gross heated up. Amount of food won’t satisfy adults.

REVIEW: KMS Hair Stay Styling Gel

Marvo 12 Comments

kmsgel

Sorry there wasn’t a review yesterday.

I thought it was going to be easy getting over the bright lights, booze, buffets, brisk weather, booze, Blue Man Group, boobs, and booze of Las Vegas. It took a day to recover, but now I’m back to normal.

Anyway, every year my hair stylist gives me a gift for Christmas, which consists of hair products. Last Christmas, she gave me KMS Hair Gel. However, I didn’t have a chance to use it, since at about the same time I found the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER!

Recently, I ran out of the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER, so I was forced to use the KMS Hair Gel.

After a few days of using it, I found that the KMS Hair Gel broke my Three Laws of Hair Gel: (1) Must smell good. (2) Stiffness must last significantly longer than Levitra. (3) Must not flake and make it appear like I have REALLY bad dandruff.

The GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER met all of these qualifications with flying colors, but unfortunately the KMS Hair Gel failed badly at all three. First, it had this weird chemical smell. Second, the stiffness disappeared quickly, just like when I got caught masturbating by my mom. Finally, it made my hair look like I took a walk while it was snowing. Unfortunately, here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean it doesn’t snow, so no one will think it’s snow.

So after a few days of limp, chemical-smelling hair with white flakes, I frantically headed over to my hair stylist like I was a crackhead or a Walmart shopper waiting to buy a $30 DVD player. I bought more of the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER and promised it that I would never stray again.

Now before I found out how crappy the KMS Hair Gel was, I wanted to give my hair stylist something in return for the gift she gave me. I thought about a few things I could give her, but I felt those things weren’t appropriate, since they were in my wet dreams. Also, I wasn’t going to spend money, because as many of you know, I’m a cheap bastard.

So I decided to write and perform a song for her, which I called, “The Sexiest Man Alive.”

(Note: I REALLY suck at playing the guitar and I REALLY have a horrible singing voice.)

The Sexiest Man Alive


Can I get a Mohawk, just like Mr. T?
I’ll use 1-800-C-O-L-L-E-C-T.
I’ll buy some gold chains and pity the fool.
I can help people save a buck or two.

You could shave off all my hair, just like that.
I would look like Homer Simpson or Kojak.
I think I’d look rugged and I’d look mean,
But my head would burn without sunscreen

My hair is yours to do what you like.
My hair maybe a mess, but do what you can.
Don’t butcher it like I’m at Fantastic Sams.
Trim the top and cut short the sides.
Just make me the sexiest man alive.

I wanna look like MC Hammer in 1990?
Shave in some lines and words and make it shiny.
I’ll sing “Can’t Touch This” and learn to dance.
And I’ll even buy some baggy sequence pants.

I think I’d like a bowl haircut instead.
Is there a bowl big enough to fit on my head?
Just put the bowl on and I’ll have it made.
It’s the same haircut I had in the second grade.

My hair is yours to do what you like.
If I wanted dreadlocks, you won’t make a fuss.
You’re a billion times better than Supercuts.
Turn my hair blond or make it dyed.
Just make me the sexiest man alive.

Would you give me a perm if I asked?
I’ve never had to wear a shower cap.
Wonder what it’s like to have some curls?
I think I would probably look like a little girl.

Braiding my hair into cornrolls, is that okay?
I wanna look like I play in the NBA.
It takes a lot of time, but could you do it please.
I know it won’t look right because I’m Japanese.

My hair is yours to do what you like.
No Flowbee could do what you can.
Like prevent me from looking stupid cutting my hair with a vacuum in my hand.
Put some hair gel on and after it’s dried.
Just maybe I’ll be the sexiest man alive.

Item: KMS Hair Stay Styling Gel
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: It was free.
Cons: Hold doesn’t last. Flakes easily. Chemical smell. WORST HAIR GEL EVER!!!

Vegas Baby!!!

Marvo 6 Comments

The Impulsive Buy will be on hiatus this week, while we gamble away the rest of the Impulsive Buy’s yearly budget in Las Vegas. Internet access will be limited or nonexistent, but alcohol consumption won’t be.

If we win a jackpot, we may review something like the new iMac. If we lose the shirts off of our backs, it’s toilet paper and iPod socks.

Wish us luck!

Also, some of you maybe wondering about the recent prize drawing. Early this morning we pulled out the seven winners from the mayonnaise jar.

Congratulations!

Each of you will receive one (1) Wet Ones Kids Antibacterial wipe. You should’ve received an email from us, asking for your mailing address. If you’re a winner and you haven’t received an email from us, then just send us an email with your mailing address.

Prizes will be mailed to the winners when we get back from Vegas.

PS – Oh yeah, Mia, we finally got our hands on those Chicken Dunks. We will do a review when we get back, but long story short, healthier than fast food chicken nuggets, but less tasty. Also, it’s kind of gross that you can actually eat them cold.

Bic Grip 4×4 Permanent Marker

Marvo 7 Comments

Bic Grip 4x4 Permanent Marker

(Editor’s Note: We decided to start a new feature here at The Impulsive Buy that we’re calling Guest Reviews, where we have other bloggers write reviews, because sometimes we’re REALLY lazy to do our own. We’ll try to do this once a month, so if you’re interested in writing a review send us an email. Anyway, today’s guest review is by Ian MacAllen, who is the author of the blogs Avacado Green, Imperfect Now, and probably a few others that we don’t know about. Enjoy.)

I was told two weeks ago that I was in charge of producing some protest rally signs. This seemed pretty standard, especially since I’m officially “Art Director” [I play with Photoshop].

I headed off to Staples in search of supplies. Now I thought all permanent markers are the same; I was really wrong. There was an entire aisle dedicated to markers!

I do like having lots of choices, but sometimes it can be overwhelming, like when there are glitter pens. I love glitter pens. [Ok, I know what you are thinking: Glitter Pens, New Jersey has a Gay Governor, I work in politics…but no, I’m just really into art supplies].

Anyway, on any normal day I might have just settled for a Sharpie. But then I saw the Bic Grip 4×4. All I could think was: “Wow, that looks really, really powerful, like a Hummer.” That and they were cheap.

I got a pack of four: black, red, blue, and green.

Once I got back to the office I was ready to do my thing making protest posters. I grabbed my Bic Grip and went to it. The only problem is, poster board and Bic Grip pens absolutely do not get along. Despite its impressive size, the marker itself only left a faded line on the poster board.

At first I thought its unimpressive performance was because I was trying to write on the shiny side. So I flipped it around and started going at it on the dull side of the poster board. But even on the dull side of the poster board, the Bic Grip just didn’t get the job done.

Thank George Washington I had some old Sharpie’s laying around, otherwise our protest rally would have been pretty pathetic [well, actually it was pretty pathetic, but at least the posters were really good].

The Bic Grip seems to work fine on standard white copy paper, except of course like all permanent markers, it bleeds through paper that thin. Because I don’t think permanent markers are useful on copy paper and since they don’t like poster board, the Bic Grips have no purpose other than to frustrate protestors.

What I did find when trying to write with the Bic Grip is that the rubberized grip was pretty cool to play with, but otherwise I don’t think it really helped me hold the marker. Now I’m not like circus folk, I don’t have small hands, but the grip was really big. It made it a little awkward to hold, even for permanent markers.

The Bic Grip also promised a triple-sided head for different width lines. Even if the markers had worked well on poster board, I don’t think the varying size tips would have improved it. After ten minutes of trying to use enough ink to make a solid line, the tip became pretty flat anyway.

The Bic Grip Permanent Marker is like any other Bic product; I wouldn’t rely on it for any reason. The best thing we can say about these markers is it kept us under budget.

Item: Bic Grip 4×4 Permanent Marker
Purchase Price: $5.49
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cheap. Came with 4 colors. Doesn’t smell as bad as some permanent markers. Rubberized grip.
Cons: Doesn’t write well on poster board. Really big in your hand. Too phallic.

Melon Creamy Soda

Marvo 13 Comments

Melon Creamy Soda

I was going to do this review in Japanese with an English translation, but I realized I earned four C’s and a D in the five semesters of Japanese I took in college and all I remember is how to count to ten.

Ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku…DAMMIT!!! SON OF A BI…I can’t even count to ten!

The reason why I wanted to do the review in Japanese was because today’s review has an international flair to it.

Impulsive Buy reader, Alex, complained the other day about the fact she couldn’t buy Jell-O Oreo Instant Pudding in Japan.

I thought about sending her a box, but decided that doing a review on a product she can get in Japan would be about 50 cents cheaper for the Impulsive Buy. (Yes, I know I’m a cheap-ass bastard, but maybe I’ll make it a prize in the next prize drawing.)

Anyway, being halfway between Japan and the continental United States, we get a lot of Japanese food items, Japanese tourists, and Japanese porn.

The convenience store down the street has a few products that Alex can probably find in Japan. One was Asahi, which in Japanese means, the Budweiser of Japan. I also came across Melon Creamy Soda, which in Japanese means, (prepare for the worst language translation joke ever) Melon Creamy Soda.

I was kind of skeptical of trying Melon Creamy Soda because I had tried a melon soda from Fanta, which scared me. Of course Fanta has made other things that have scared me, like their television commercials.

Wanta Fanta. Don’cha wanta. Wanta Fanta. Don’cha wanta.

UGH!!!

SOMEONE SHOOT ME NOW! I’VE GOT THAT DAMN SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD!

Melon Creamy Soda is not bad, but I couldn’t really taste the melon part. It actually tastes more like a regular cream soda.

If it was cheaper I would buy more of it, but at $1.99 for a 16.5-ounce bottle, I’ll only buy it if it can cure the common cold and help me get rid of this DAMN Fanta song stuck in my head.

Wanta Fanta. Don’cha wanta. Wanta Fanta. Don’cha wanta.

Don’t forget to enter this month’s prize drawing. See yesterday’s review for details.

Item: Melon Creamy Soda
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Cream soda flavor. Good.
Cons: What melon flavor? Expensive, but I guess if it’s imported from Japan, it should be. Damn Fanta song!