REVIEW: Barq’s Floatz

Barq's Floats

Last night was waaay too fun. I learned a lot last night on Election Day.

The most important thing I learned: Watching the presidential election coverage on cable would make a great drinking game.

Take a sip if:
Anyone says “Florida”
Anyone says “Ohio”

Do a shot if:
Anyone says “too close to call”
Anyone mentions Gore in the 2000 election

Beer bong if:
A candidate announces victory, before the opponent concedes
Fox News projects Bush to win before all the other networks

Down a keg if:
Nader wins any electoral votes
Kerry or Bush asks for a recount

During the pre-election run to the convenience store, I picked up a few things to snack on during the night. One of the coolest things I picked up was the new Barq’s Floatz. It’s a frozen treat with the taste of a root beer float. FOR ONLY 75 CENTS!!!

They were so cheap that I bought two.

The Barq’s Floatz is exactly like those frozen fruit push-pops I used to get with my school lunch. You basically have to push out the goodness, like you would if you were trying to milk toothpaste out of the tube.

It tasted just like a root beer float, except without the spoon, two straws, and the beautiful girl to share it with.

Yeah, I’m talking to you, baby doll. Would you like to be the beautiful girl to share it with me? I got your straw right here, baby. Uh huh. Yeah, I know what you like”¦


Oh sorry, been kind of lonely recently.

The only thing I was disappointed with was the size of the three-ounce Barq’s Floatz, because it takes only a minute to eat the whole thing.

Now some of you might be saying, “Well what do you expect for only 75 cents?”

Well in certain establishments, 25 cents will get me 5 minutes of pleasure in a small room with a window and a sticky floor.

So for 75 cents, I expect a whole lot more.

Item: Barq’s Floatz
Purchase Price: $0.75
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: 75 cents. Tastes like an actual root beer float.
Cons: Only 3 ounces of pleasure.

REVIEW: DiGiorno Microwave Rising Crust Pizza

DiGiorno Microwave Rising Crust Pizza

Phew. Thank goodness it’s over.

We decided to lift the self-imposed ban on food reviews here at the Impulsive Buy, because we would like to get rid of all these empty boxes and bottles of food products that we couldn’t review because of the stupid ban.

So that means food reviews up the wazoo for the next few weeks.

Also, sorry about yesterday’s “review.” We know it really wasn’t a “review.” We just wanted to be political like many other blogs, so we pretended to be interested in politics, like Ben Affleck does.

We know. We know. If all the other blogs jumped into a volcano, would we jump into the volcano too?

No we wouldn’t.

So we’re back to real reviews and the subject of today’s review was requested by Impulsive Buy groupie worshipper follower, Alisa.

She asked if we, in her own words, “review geniuses” could review the new DiGiorno Microwave Rising Crust Pizza. After consulting with each other to determine if she did an adequate amount of sucking up, we decided to go though with the review and picked up the Three Meat Pizza version.

Just to let you know, microwave foods aren’t our best friends. From the exploding TV dinners to burnt microwave popcorn, we haven’t been successful whenever using the microwave. Oh, and let’s not forget the microwave pork grinds. Man, that smell lingered for days.

Although, we have to admit we’ve had some recent successes, like this one, but 99 percent of the time we screw up somehow.

Included with the DiGiorno Microwave Rising Crust Pizza was a…Um…Crisping contraption, which we think is a black paint job and a few spikes away from being a S&M collar, but that might only be us.

After putting the pizza in the crisping contraption, we put all of that into the microwave and baked it for the recommended six minutes on HIGH. We wanted to watch it to see if the crust would rise, but we remembered what our moms said growing up, “If you stare into the microwave, your palms will grow hair.”

Or was that something else.

Anyway, we let the pizza sit for the few minutes after it was done baking. After tasting it, we have to say that this is the best microwave pizza we ever had that we didn’t screw up. It was like we baked it in a conventional oven and didn’t screw up.

The only major problem we had with it was the price. Spending $4.29 for a seven-inch pizza (don’t ask how we measured it) seemed a bit expensive. If they were on sale or cheaper, we would definitely buy them more often.

We wonder if Alisa will reimburse us.

Item: DiGiorno Microwave Rising Crust Pizza: Three Meat Pizza
Purchase Price: $4.29
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Crisping contraption worked well. Oven baked taste. No, really, it had an oven baked taste. We didn’t cause it to burn, melt, or explode.
Cons: Outer crust was kind of hard. Expensive.



My first real experience with elections began in the fifth grade when I ran for class treasurer.

I felt I was the most qualified for the position, because I had always gotten really good grades in math. My opponent, on the other hand, didn’t have any qualifications, unless you count looks and popularity.

Class elections are somewhat like political elections. For example, there’s an extremely nauseating amount of campaign advertisements. Except instead of television ads, banners, and bumper stickers, the walls of our school were covered in crappy posters made out of construction paper and colored felt-tip pens.

We even had a “debate,” which really wasn’t a debate. It was basically a two-minute statement about why we would make a good treasurer, which no one really paid attention to.

On election day, I felt confident about my chances. However, despite the crappy posters, the flyers I passed out during recesses, and my two-minute statement about why I would make a good treasurer, I lost by a landslide.

My opponent won so easily that it was like he didn’t have an opponent at all.

After years of following political campaigns, I now realize where I messed up. Instead of focusing on why I would’ve made a good treasurer, I should’ve focused on why my opponent would’ve made a bad one.

I should’ve pointed out that my opponent didn’t pay attention in class, didn’t do his homework, got into fights, made out with his girlfriend behind one of the classrooms, and got D’s math.

Why didn’t Ms. Zimmermann, my fifth grade teacher, teach this in social studies? Why didn’t I learn the best way to beat an opponent is to point out their flaws? I might’ve won if I had bashed my opponent’s character.

Damn you, Ms. Zimmermann! Damn you!

So what’s the whole point of this story?

No point. It’s just that the pain from that ass-whooping still hurts.

Anyway, if you’re registered to vote in the United States, please read up on each candidate and find out what they believe in. Don’t listen to polls, celebrities, spin-doctors, or political pundits.

Enny, meenie, minny, moe, catch a tiger by its toe, works for dodgeball, but it doesn’t work for elections. Make YOUR OWN educated decision and vote tomorrow.

Also, if any of you vote for ANY of the write-in presidential candidates, please don’t EVER talk to me again.

To those who are too young to vote, I want you to remember that voting is cool. Just think of political campaigns as one long episode of American Idol. For example, think of Ralph Nader as the William Hung of the presidential election. He has no chance in hell of winning, but yet many love him for some strange reason.

Oh wait. One more thing…

I’m Marvo and I approved this message.

Item: Voting
Purchase Price: Free (Must fill out easy application)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: You get to participate in democracy. Have your voice heard, which gets lost with the millions of other voters, spin-doctors, and political pundits. You won’t die.
Cons: Waiting in line is a possibility, unless you do absentee voting. May lead to Supreme Court decision and delayed results.

The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven, Ph.D.

100 Simple Secrets of Happy People


Who the hell are you “texas holdem” and “your lazy ass” and why are you two sending me comment spam that makes absolutely no sense?

“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,” says texas holdem. Well you know what, I appreciate that you will die for my right to say whatever I want, so to show my appreciation I want to tell you that you’re a big fat ass.

Also, what’s up with your name “texas holdem?” Let me guess, your tiny brain came up with that name while watching the World Series of Poker on ESPN. You unoriginal bastard!

Okay, calm down. Think of your happy place.

Just do my review on The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by Dr. David Niven, so I can get happy and not remain SO F#@KIN’ PISSED OFF!!!

Simple secret #90: Surround yourself with pleasant aromas.

Okay, I’ve plugged in an air freshener. Aaaah, the smell of berry, it’s such a pleasant smell.

“There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.” WTF, texas holdem! Have you been watching too much Codename: Kids Next Door on the Cartoon Network?

Calm down. SON OF A BIT…Calm down.

Simple secret #82: Don’t dwell on unwinnable conflicts.

Okay, I can’t beat him. I can’t beat him. I can’t beat him.

But I can imagine giving him a beat down! You’re lucky my pillow isn’t you, because I’ve opened a can of whoop-ass on it!

Be calm. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Simple secret #42: Try to think less about the people and things that bother you.

Okay, I’m clearing texas holdem from my mind.

“3104 please visit us to get your dick up or you can also get a mack over at our beauty site. or clcik this link if you are fat or wnt to seend a card.” What the hell is this, your lazy ass?

If you’re gonna send me comment spam, the least you can do is spell check the crap. Texas holdem spell checks whatever he spews, why can’t you?

Relax. Calm down. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

Simple secret #96: Say “So What.”

So what if I’m getting comment spam from two punk asses, I’ll just keep deleting their comments and add another Word Press plug-in.

“Proper names are rigid designators.” You know what, texas holdem, I think you’re right about this one, you F#$KIN’ S@%TFACED B#@CH-ASS TURD. (Okay, I could’ve spelled it out, but eh…this is a family blog.)

You like that name? It’s not proper. It’s not rigid. I think it’s perfect for you.

Aaaah, I feel much happier now.

Item: The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven, Ph.D.
Purchase Price: $9.56 (
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: An easy and fast read. I feel much better and happier. Inexpensive book.
Cons: Comment spam sucks.

U2 – Vertigo Single

U2 - Vertigo

About three hours ago, I purchased the new U2 single “Vertigo.” Actually, it’s not really that new, since it was released a month ago on the iTunes Music Store.

When I first heard of the new U2 song, I was looking forward to listening to it, since I’m a semi-U2 fan. However, after listening to the 30-second preview of the song the day it was released, I didn’t feel compelled to purchase it, even though I knew I could afford the 99-cent price tag with the money I had in my coffee mug of loose change that says, “Caffeine is my friend. SO LEAVE ME THE F#@K ALONE!”

“Vertigo” wasn’t the best U2 song I ever heard, but it also wasn’t the worst, which I think is “Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home).”

After a couple of weeks, I totally forgot about the song.

However, the world suddenly made sure that I would have that song tattooed on my brain.

First, they started playing the song on the radio, which I listen to while taking a shower. I swear it seemed like every time I was in the shower the radio station played “Vertigo.”

Then the iPod commercial featuring the song started playing during all the shows I was watching like South Park, the Daily Show, and the baseball playoffs.

(Okay, I was going to go on a tangent about the Boston Red Sox finally winning another World Series after 86 years and how I was balling like a little wuss because I was happy that they won, but I’ll let the thousands of blogs belonging to other Red Sox fans do that.)

I knew the song was slowly getting to me, because I was lip-syncing the words, like I was Ashlee Simpson. I wanted to get sick of the song, but it wasn’t happening because I was listening to the song on someone else’s terms.

So I decided, if I wanna get sick of this song, I’m gonna have to get sick of it on MY terms.

So I purchased the song and within the past three hours I’ve listened to the song 56 times straight, but I don’t think I’m sick of it.

Actually, I’m beginning to like the song. Not only am I lip-syncing during the song, I’m also playing air guitar.

DAMMIT!!! That wasn’t my intention!!! I was supposed to get sick of the song!!! Damn catchy hook!!!

Maybe another 56 straight times will do it.

Item: U2 – Vertigo Single
Purchase Price: $0.99 (iTunes Music Store)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Somewhat catchy. 99 cents. Better Ashlee Simpson joke in today’s review.
Cons: By far, not the best U2 song. I’m not sick of it yet.