Today, I’m going to explain the anatomy of an annoyingly catchy song.

There are various things that musicians and album producers do to turn a horrible song into something that becomes mentally tattooed on our brains. It’s sort of like how aerosol potpourri sprays cover up that massive dump you just took in the bathroom after eating a hearty steak dinner.

The potpourri spray smells good at first, but if you hang around the bathroom too long, the crappy smell returns. In the case of the annoyingly catchy song, it sounds good at first, making you want to shake your ass, but after you’ve listened to it for a while, you realize how crappy it truly is and you regret spending the 99 cents for it at the iTunes Store. It’s so crappy that you wouldn’t even bother downloading the torrent for it.

After listening to several annoyingly catchy songs, including the subject of today’s review, “Chicken Noodle Soup” by Webstar & Young B, I think I’ve pinpointed what makes an annoyingly catchy song so memorable.

1. Repetition of lyrics. Repetition of lyrics. Repetition of lyrics.

If there’s one thing that makes an annoyingly catchy song memorable, it’s repetition of lyrics. Just like learning the multiplication table, the periodic table, mixed drinks, and putting the toilet seat down for the ladies, repetition has always made it easier to remember things, like song lyrics, even if you don’t want to.

The Chicken Noodle Soup song lasts for only 203 seconds, but the lines “Let it rain. Clear it out” is said 26 times, “Let’s get it” is sung 21 times, and the title of the song, “Chicken noodle soup” is sung 18 times. So if my math is correct, there’s a “Let it rain. Clear it out” for every eight seconds of the song.

Of course, these are no where close to the 55 times the phrase “peanut butter jelly” is said in the Buckwheat Boyz song Peanut Butter and Jelly. But hearing the words “chicken noodle soup” 18 times in one song is enough to make the song pop up in my head whenever I walk through the soup aisle at my grocery store and sing under my breath, “Chicken noodle soup. Chicken noodle soup. Chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side.”

2. Make it ass-shakeable.

For some adults, listening or watching The Wiggles or Barney the purple dinosaur causes quick channel changing, violent shaking of televisions, uncontrollable crying, and impromptu games of Russian Roulette. It also makes some parents wonder if having to tolerate The Wiggles or Barney was worth having children.

However, with young children they are very successful because those crazy colorful Australians and that frickin’ big ass purple dinosaur make children want to dance. Annoying catchy songs do the exact same thing in the clubs or in your car. But then again, there’s lots of alcohol at any club, and if alcohol has the power to make me look good to women at a club, it also has the power to make a song ass-shakeable, no matter how stupid the lyrics are.

What also helps make a song ass-shakeable is the use a sound effect repeatedly in the beat. A lot of hip-hop producers weave police sirens into their beats, which on several occasion have caused me to look in my rear view mirror to see if I’m being pulled over or if I need to make way for an ambulance. In the Chicken Noodle Soup song, there’s an air raid siren which just doesn’t want to stop in my head, even when the song is over.

3. Have lyrics and a title that make no sense at all, and if possible, relate it to food.

“Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?”

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard?”

“Chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side?”

Monkeys with typewriters could probably come up with better lyrics than these annoyingly catchy songs, if monkeys had the ability to form words, sentences, paragraphs, and knew how to work a QWERTY keyboard.

But history has shown that crazy lyrics that are repeated over and over again, have references to food, and have an ass-shakeable beat with them equals annoyingly catchy goodness and eventually a reference on Family Guy.

Item: Webstar & Young B – Chicken Noodle Soup
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: iTunes Store
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Annoyingly catchy. Makes me want to shake my ass when there’s alcohol in my system. Possible future Family Guy reference.
Cons: Excessive use of air raid sirens. Repetitive lyrics. Me shaking my ass. Lyrics make no sense. The Wiggles and Barney.

The Shopping Cart takes a look at things that I’ve tried, but am too lazy to write a full review for. Consider them mini-reviews. Or lazy-ass-reviews.

What I’m Wearing That Maybe Causing Hell To Freeze Over, But Also May Make Me Look Fabulous

I would not, could not, at the club. I could not, would not, after getting out of the tub. I will not wear it in the form of a shirt. I will not wear it privately in a miniskirt. I will not wear it inside or out. I will not wear it when I’m about. I do not like wearing clothes as pink as spam. I do not like them, Marvo-I-am.

For thirty years of my life, I thought that way about wearing the color pink. I believed that pink was a color that only girls and really preppy Polo-wearing bastards should wear. But after picking up this pink-striped Banana Republic Outlet shirt for $24.99, I’m now beginning to see that pink can be very manly. After all, prime rib is pink…and very manly.

Pink really isn’t so bad. Now that I think about it, I’ve eaten a lot of pink things in my life, like the pink hearts in Lucky Charms, pink cotton candy at a carnival, pink marshmallow Peeps, and other pink things.

So I will wear it at the mall. And I will wear it watching baseball. And I will wear it while in a car. And I will wear it while being rejected at the bar. And I will wear it inside or out. I will wear it when I’m about. I do so like wearing clothes as pink as spam. Thank you! Thank you, Marvo-I-am.

Hmm…I wonder if wearing lavender is in my future now?

What I’m Using In My Hair That Doesn’t Give It That Viagra Stiffness

Every year during Christmas I get free hair care products from my sexy hairstylist. Last Christmas, I received small container of Paul Mitchell’s Tea Tree Grooming Pomade. To be honest, I had no idea what pomade was. It sounded like a pomegranate flavored Gatorade.

I grew up using hair spray, hair gel, and whenever I wanted to look like a 1950s mobster, Brylcreem. My hair product of choice for the past three years to keep my hair stiff is the Viagra-colored Hard Up Hair Gel. I like having my hair stiff because, just like porcupines, I use it to defend myself from predators, like hobos, feral cats, and former Real World cast members who desperately want attention.

Pomade wasn’t designed to give hair a stiff hold, instead it gives it a flexible hold, which I really don’t like since one low ceiling could ruin the messy bed head look that took ten seconds to sculpt in my bathroom mirror. The Tea Tree Grooming Pomade also gave my hair a slight greasy feeling and a weird waxy smell, which is the ultimate woman repelling combo, ahead of missing teeth and a handlebar mustache.

Just like Austin Powers, I am a sexy, hairy beast.

Although, the two Impulsive Buy readers who have seen me completely naked would probably disagree with the sexy part.

There are parts of my body that has hair that I need to manage once in awhile. (1) The hair on top of my head. (2) The hair on my face. (3) The hair around my scroll wheel and left and right mouse buttons. Out of the three, the hardest to manage is definitely the hair around my faucet and hot and cold knobs.

I like to clear the brush around my Norfolk fir tree and pine cones for the same reason why some women make their hair shorter during the summer months — to cool themselves down. There’s also less chance of someone hacking up a hairball when I maintain my black carpet.

When I first started trimming the hedges around my Washington Monument, I would use a scissors, comb, and a steady hand. Then I upgraded to a hair trimmer with attachments to tame the hair around my sausage and sunny-side up eggs. Recently, I upgraded even further with the Phillips Norelco Bodygroom and I consider it the Lexus of cutting the hair around my Harry Potter and Goblets of Fire.

Its design, dual-sided trimmer, and three length attachment combs make it ergonomically easy to trim the outfield grass at my Busch Stadium and it does a good job. If I wanted to go pornstar and totally destroy the rainforest, I could do so by not using any of the attachments and using the shaving blades under the Bodygroom’s hypoallergenic shaving foil.

Also, creating designs in my front yard lawn was not possible to do with the Bodygroom due to its big shaving and trimming head, so I couldn’t create any hearts, strips, arrows, baseball team logos, or any works from Vincent van Gogh.

The Bodygroom can be used for a dry shave, but its design also allows it to be used in the shower and with shaving cream/gel, and because it’s water resistant, cleaning it is as simple as running it under water. The cordless Bodygroom’s claim that you can get 50 minutes of use before the need to recharge its battery is fairly accurate, although charging it takes eight hours.

Many of you with testicles maybe wondering if it hurts or if having cutting blades near your Humpty Dumptys make them have a great fall and crawl back into you. If you’re using the attachments, it’s painless but may takes several strokes to trim a lone rogue pubic hair.

Without an attachment it doesn’t hurt either, but every time I trim the trees along my main street and cul-de-sac I keep thinking of a possible scrambled eggs mess, so I’m surgeon-like careful when I cut down the Christmas trees on my snow globe.

The Bodygroom does a great job with the hair around your banana and strawberry milkshake, but it can also be used for the hair on your chest, shoulders, back, taint, fingers, toes, palms, underarms, abs, legs, and pretty much everything else below the neck, making it the perfect gift for the Sasquatch in your life, or Robin Williams. According to the instructions, the Bodygroom wasn’t made for the hair on your face or on your head, but I do use it with an attachment comb to tame my long, sexy, and hairy sideburns.

Overall, the Phillips Norelco Bodygroom is a sexy piece of equipment that does good work around the groin area.

I wish I could say the same about myself.

Item: Phillips Norelco Bodygroom
Price: $39.99
Purchased at: Amazon.com
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Does a good job of trimming and shaving lower body parts. No irritation. Rechargeable. Cordless. Easy to clean. Can use it in the shower. Comes with three different trimming attachments. 50 minutes of use before recharging is needed. The Lexus of trimming the hair around your crescent wrench and two nuts.
Cons: Destroying the rainforest. Not able to make shapes with it. Finding replacement blades. Not meant for hair above the neck. Long battery charging time.