Product Poll: Japanese Product Edition

Marvo 63 Comments

A few weeks ago, a Japanese grocery store popped up in my neighborhood. I was excited about this because I love exploring unusual Japanese products that have labels I can’t read, despite the 2 1/2 years of Japanese language I took in college. When I walked through its aisles for the first time and saw all the possible products to review, I almost blew a load, which would’ve needed a cleanup in aisle number five.

Over the past few weeks I’ve bought several products from the store, intending to review them. But I’ve bought too many products and can’t decide which to review, so I’m going to let TIB’s readers decide for me. I’ve chosen three of the products for you to vote on:

1. JT Super Haioku

2. Glico Beer Pretz

3. JT Senoby

The Japanese product with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be eaten and reviewed, while the others will just have the pleasure of going through my digestive system.

To vote, just leave a comment with this post with your choice. Only one choice and vote per person.

I’ll be accepting votes until Friday, October 17th (11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time).

Now go and vote!

Ocean Spray Raspberry Cranberry Lift Cranergy

Marvo 10 Comments

The Ocean Spray Raspberry Cranberry Lift Cranergy is causing some internal conflict because I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do after drinking it. It technically is an energy drink, but its bottle doesn’t look like one, so I’m not sure when I’m heading out of my second story apartment if I should take the extreme route, which includes smashing a window with a chair, making a running leap through the blown out window, tucking and rolling several times when I hit the ground, and then popping up into a Mr. Olympia pose, or if I should take the calm route, which involves using the stairs.

Not only does the Raspberry Cranberry Lift Cranergy not look extreme on the outside, it also isn’t very extreme inside the bottle. There aren’t any really extreme ingredients, like taurine, guarana, and licks Slash’s guitar. It’s made up of cranberry, raspberry, and grape juices, which extreme people love…I mean, extremely old people love. Green tea extract and B-Vitamins provide the Cranergy’s “natural energy.” Each of the B-Vitamins supplies 70 percent of the daily recommended amount, but I don’t know how much the green tea extract provides. Green tea is usually added to products because of its natural caffeine content, but nowhere on the packaging could I find the amount of caffeine it delivers, which makes this beverage even less extreme.

Like most energy drinks, the Cranergy had a bite to it, but it was more of a tart bite than a bitter bite, which shouldn’t be surprising because as everyone with urinary tract infections know, cranberry juice is quite tart. There’s also a slight bitterness that probably came from the green tea. I enjoyed the Raspberry Cranberry Lift Cranergy because it tasted pretty much like other Ocean Spray cranberry beverages, so it will probably mix well with vodka. It didn’t give me a lift of energy, but then again, I drink big honkin’ extreme energy drinks with 100 plus milligrams of caffeine on a regular basis, so the Cranergy is like a tender stroking of my arm, while a real extreme energy drink is like an indian rope burn.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – 50 calories, 0 g of fat, 75 mg of sodium, 13 g of carbohydrates, 13 g of sugar, 0 g of protein, 100% vitamin C, 70% niacin, 70% vitamin B12, 70% vitamin B2, 70% vitamin B6, 70% pantothenic acid, and 0 g of extreme)

Item: Ocean Spray Raspberry Cranberry Lift Cranergy
Price: $5.39
Size: 4 pack – 12 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like other Ocean Spray cranberry drinks. 50% fewer calories and less sugar than most energy drinks. 100% Vitamin C. Provides a decent amount of B-Vitamins. Will probably mix well with vodka.
Cons: Not extreme at all. There’s green tea, but no caffeine. Contains only 20% fruit juice. Small bottle. Tart bite. Won’t provide energy for those who are regular energy drink consumers.

Oscar Mayer Lunchables Grilled Chicken Wrapz

Marvo 22 Comments

There’s a nine-year-old out there who thinks the Oscar Mayer Lunchables Grilled Chicken Wrapz is the greatest muthafucking thing ever. Okay, if that nine-year-old was a drunken sailor, then they would probably think that, but I don’t totally agree with that rum-filled, foul-mouthed kid.

This kid-sized meal consisted of wheat tortillas, grilled chicken breasts, ranch sauce, and mild taco sauce for two wrapz. It also included a fun-sized Nestle Crunch bar and the greatness beverage in pouch form EVER, a fruit punch Capri Sun. Out of all the things that were included, I was the most excited about the Capri Sun, because I enjoy products from the 1980s, I get to stab something with a plastic straw and not get arrested for it, and there’s only one Capri Sun. It’s great tasting fun when you punch open one.

The Capri Sun was the most exciting thing about this Lunchables, but the grilled chicken wrapz were the main entree. With most Lunchables that contain chicken, it isn’t required to heat the chicken before eating since it is already pre-cooked. If I were a parent feeding it to my child, the cold chicken would probably bother me, but as a thirtysomething-year-old male without children who is hungry, it doesn’t really bother me at all. A degree from the Universidad de Taco Bell isn’t necessary to put a wrap together. All you do is lay out the tortilla, spread out some chicken, squirt some ranch sauce, drizzle some taco sauce, roll it up, and then hope some schoolyard bully doesn’t threaten you for it before you eat it.

The tortilla was a little tough since it’s been refrigerated, and again, it was a little weird eating cold chicken, but overall the chicken wrap was decent because who knew that ranch sauce combined with taco sauce would taste surprisingly good. It’s definitely better than most FDA regulated school lunches and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich your mom made with love and kindness.

Since it is a meal made for kids you might be wondering whether or not it could fill up an adult who doesn’t mind the shame of eating a Lunchables. If you’re on the smaller side, this Lunchables might be filling, but if you’re Michael Phelps, you’re probably going to need to eat ten of them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 390 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 50 milligrams cholesterol, 750 milligrams sodium, 56 grams carbohydrates, 1 gram dietary fiber, 25 grams sugar, 19 grams protein, 0% vitamin A, 50% calcium, 4% vitamin C, and 15% iron.)

Item: Oscar Mayer Lunchables Grilled Chicken Wrapz
Price: $3.49
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Better than most FDA regulated school lunches. Good source of protein. Fruit punch Capri Sun. Easy to put together. Combination of ranch sauce and taco sauce was surprisingly good. Fun-sized Nestle Crunch Bar. Products from the 1980s that are still here today.
Cons: Good source of sodium. Tortillas were a little tough. It’s weird eating cold chicken. Not filling for Michael Phelps. Drunk nine-year-olds. Stabbing people with plastic straws and getting arrested for it. Replacing plural S’s with Z’s.

Quaker Maple Brown Sugar High Fiber Oatmeal to Go

Marvo 18 Comments

There’s the Antichrist and then there’s the Anti-Rice Krispies Treat, which I consider the Quaker Maple Brown Sugar High Fiber Oatmeal to Go Bar to be. Instead of giving me a moment of crunchy, marshmallowy bliss like I would receive with a wonderful Rice Krispies Treat, these fiber bricks bring despair. It’s not its taste that saddens me, although I’ll get to that in a moment, it’s the fact that I now have to change my diet to make up for my years of poor dietary choices by eating the recommended daily amount of fiber. If I could get 25 grams of fiber from energy drinks, potato chips, cocaine, and anything I can heat up in a microwave, I’d be set and regular.

Like Cliff Notes and Kim Kardashian trying to put on a pair of jeans, the Quaker Maple Brown Sugar High Fiber Oatmeal to Go Bar crams a lot into a small package. How high in fiber are these bricks of oatmeal? One bar has 10 grams of dietary fiber and six grams of soluble fiber, which is more than twice the amounts found in a 1/2 cup serving of plain Wilford Brimley-promoted Quaker Oats. Eating just one of these high fiber breakfast bars provides 40 percent of a person’s recommended daily amount of fiber. Consuming two of these high fiber bars at one time provides 80 percent. Devouring three of these bars in one sitting provides a good reason to stay close to a toilet.

The Quaker High Fiber Oatmeal to Go Bar is a dense, moist oatmeal cookie with a grainy and chewy texture that lets you know you’re getting 10 grams of dietary fiber and six grams of soluble fiber whether you like it or not. I enjoyed this big bar of fiber because it’s much sweeter and tastier than regular Quaker Maple & Brown Sugar instant oatmeal and you don’t need a spoon to eat it. Despite how sweet it was, the frosting drizzle on top seemed to be more for aesthetics than anything else. What does make them better, besides eating them nyotaimori-style, is warming them in the microwave for 10 seconds, which the packaging recommended.

However, not everything was so sweet with these Oatmeal to Go Bars. Two things that really freaked me out was the use of high fructose corn syrup, which is fine in moderation (but seems to be in everything), and the extremely long ingredients list, which had more items than a My Super Sweet 16 birthday party wish list. But overall it’s nice to be able to eat something that has almost half of my recommended daily intake of fiber, even if it does bring me to a state of despair.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 210 calories, 1 gram saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 1 gram polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram monounsaturated fat, 15 milligrams cholesterol, 230 milligrams sodium, 150 milligrams potassium, 43 grams carbohydrates, 10 grams dietary fiber, 6 grams soluble fiber, 13 grams sugar, 4 grams protein, 20% vitamin A, 0% vitamin C, 15% calcium, 25% iron, 20% thiamin, 20% riboflavin, 20% niacin, 20% vitamin B6, 20% folic acid, 10% phosphorus, 10% magnesium, and 5 minutes spent with your favorite toilet)

Item: Quaker Maple Brown Sugar High Fiber Oatmeal to Go
Price: FREE
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Given by nice PR people, who continue to amaze me because they keep sending us stuff.
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweeter and tastier than regular maple and brown sugar instant oatmeal. High fiber. Provides 40% of daily value of fiber. Convenient. Vitamins and minerals. Rice Krispies Treats. Eating these nyotaimori-style.
Cons: Grainy and chewy texture that lets you know you’re getting 10 grams of dietary fiber and six grams of soluble fiber whether you like it or not. Very long ingredients list. Brings me to a state of despair. Contains high fructose corn syrup. A My Super Sweet 16 wish list. Eating three of these in one sitting.

Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger

Marvo 23 Comments

Moderator: Good evening. I’m someone from PBS that you’ve never heard of and welcome to some dude’s living room for the first and only fast food debate between The King from Burger King and Marvo from the blog The Impulsive Buy. Tonight’s discussion will cover one topic, the new Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger. Let’s begin. This first questions goes to you, King. What is the Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger and why is it so important?

The King: (Pulls out mushroom in one hand and swiss cheese in the other hand, smashes them together, and then rubs stomach.)

Moderator: Your response, Marvo.

Marvo: I agree with The King that mushrooms and swiss cheese are a classic combination and I was excited to see it come with this new burger. But it’s not just those two, it also contains crispy onions, A1 Steak Sauce on an Angus beef patty. This burger is important because the Whopper teat is dry and there aren’t anymore new variations to come up with. So Burger King needs a new burger to milk and the Steakhouse burgers are the tit they’re going to suck on.

Moderator: This next questions is for you, Marvo. Do you support the use of the extra wide oval-shaped Angus beef patty in this burger, instead of the usual round patties, like in the Whopper?

Marvo: That’s a great question, unnamed moderator from PBS. I’m an American and I enjoy stuffing meat into my mouth. I may have a little trouble sticking its whole girth in my mouth, but you know what they say, the bigger the meat, the better. The Angus patty is pretty big and if you take off the top bun of this burger, it looks like an aircraft carrier of crispy onions and mushrooms.

Moderator: Would you like to respond, King?

The King: (Nods, points to Marvo, and then gives a thumbs up.)

Moderator: The next question goes to you, King. (The King is not at his podium) Um…Where did he go?

(The King sneaks up on the moderator, offering him a Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger.)

Moderator: No thanks. Now if you would head back to your podium so that we can continue with this debate, you sneaky, freaky mo’fo. Now back to the question. Consumer groups have complained that some of Burger King’s menu items are extremely unhealthy, like the Triple Whopper, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich and the BK Quad Stacker, and it seems the Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger can also be added to the list. What are your thoughts about what these consumer groups have to say?

The King: (Gives a double middle finger salute, then the universal sign for jacking off, and then brushes off both shoulders.)

Marvo: Can I add something to what The King said?

Moderator: Go ahead.

Marvo: Thanks. I’ve tried a number of Burger King’s worst items and I believe that my life might’ve been shortened a little because of it, but I believe that regulation is what needs to be in place. It’s all right to eat these things once in awhile, but we have to regulate and moderate how often we eat a burger that has over 20 grams of saturated fat and 2,000 milligrams of sodium. I do like eating fast food, but I know I can’t eat it all the time because I enjoy being able to look down and see my penis.

Moderator: This question is for you, King. What do you think of the Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger?

The King: (Rubs stomach and then gives a double thumbs up.)

Moderator: Do you have a response, Marvo?

Marvo: I have to disagree with The King. The Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger looks really good on paper, but I was really disappointed with it. There were a lot of those crispy onions on it, but I wished there was just as many mushroom on it as well, because every bite that I took with a mushroom, along with all the other ingredients, was really good. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot of mushrooms on the burger. I counted four small mushrooms on mine. Thankfully, the A1 Steak Sauce saved it from being a really lame burger, but again, the mushrooms would’ve totally made this burger, if there was significantly more of them.

Moderator: Would you like to respond, King?

The King: (Gives a double middle finger salute, then the universal sign for jacking off, and then brushes off both shoulders.)

Moderator: Well then, now we will move on to your closing statements. We will begin with you, Marvo.

Marvo: The Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger could’ve been a great burger. The patty was a nice size and the A1 Steak Sauce was nice, but the lack of mushrooms was a totally downer. If you’re going to call it a mushroom & swiss burger, it better have a shitload of mushrooms. Thank you.

Moderator: Now your closing statements, King.

The King: (Moons audience. Tattoo of Wendy from Wendy’s shown on left butt cheek. Then storms off stage.)

Moderator: Well then, this concludes this debate. I’d like to thank The King and Marvo for participating. Good night.

Item: Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger
Price: $3.50
Size: Wide
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Big wide burger. Had the potential to be a really good burger. A1 Steak Sauce is a good condiment to add. Being able to see my penis.
Cons: Lack of mushrooms. Lack of any tomatoes or lettuce. Crispy onions added a crunchy texture, but not much to its taste. Don’t currently have nutrition info, but it’s probably bad for you. The King’s ability to sneak up on people. The King not being able to speak. The dry Whopper teat.