REVIEW: Kashi Caribbean Carnival Pizza

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You know that expression: “You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time?” Well, Kashi should just stop making pizzas, because they are pleasing none of the people none of the time. Seriously, I really wanted to like this pizza. I’m normally a fan of everything Kashi – their frozen meals, crackers, granola bars, cereals, etcetera, etcetera. But in the past I have been let down by Kashi pizzas. Yet, I decided to give them one more chance to make amends when I saw the new delicious-sounding “Caribbean Carnival” Kashi pizza.

Spoiler alert: While I expected Kashi’s “Caribbean Carnival” pizza to invoke delightful imagery like friendly anthropomorphic parrots and jovial dark-skinned men wearing brightly colored beads in their hair; this pizza was neither “Caribbean” nor a carnival in my mouth. (Discuss!) Being a healthful eater, I normally resent when others disparage health food as tasting like cardboard – however, tasting like wonderful, delicious cardboard would probably be a lofty goal for this pizza.

Its promise of plantains, kale, fire-roasted red onions, mangoes and a “sweet and spicy Guava-infused jerk seasoned sauce” yielded a smattering of toppings lumped all in one corner of the pizza, which I meticulously picked apart and spread about before putting the pizza in the oven. Below all of that was some of the nastiest pizza crust known to mankind. I would like to know what think tank thought it would be a good idea to make a pizza crust out of ingredients like buckwheat and brown rice. Poor Antonio Pizzarelli, the inventor of the pizza pie*, would be spinning in his grave if he only knew. Normally the crust is one of my favorite parts of the pizza, and I couldn’t even get it down. Even the dog gave me the stinkface when I tried to pass it off, as if to say, “I’ll eat this because it’s technically contraband people food; but only begrudgingly so.”

The “toppings” provided little relief to the gritty taste bud-assault that was the crust. The pizza was covered mostly in kale and diced tomatoes, and I think I saw a few specs of yellow that was supposed to be mango. The best part of the pizza was undoubtedly the plantains — as I have expressed my enthusiasm for Kashi products featuring plantains in the past. But unfortunately the pizza only contained four slices of plantains and two bits of something that were probably the bodily remains of brave, fallen plantains who likely fought to the death against being put on this terrible pizza. And as for this alleged sweet and spicy Guava-infused jerk sauce…Well, I did detect some kind of flavor between the cheese and the crust, but I don’t think it tasted so much like jerk sauce as it did like “a funk.”

What separates Kashi’s Caribbean Carnival Pizza from your garden variety “fail” to an “epic fail,” is that it’s not even particularly healthy. One pizza, which is a reasonable-sized meal for most people, clocks in at over 800 whopping calories. You could probably eat two slices of real pizza for that and not feel let down like a kid who gets socks for Christmas.

* Look it up!

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 pizza (120 grams) – 280 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 590 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein and 10% iron.)

Item: Kashi Caribbean Carnival Pizza
Price: $6.99 [sale price, reg. $7.99]
Size: 12.7 ounces
Purchased at: Shop Rite
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: The bites with plantain on them were almost not terrible. Pleasing all of the people all of the time. Friendly anthropomorphic parrots.
Cons: Pizza crust tasted like puppies crying. No mango. Not enough plantains. Eating this instead of real pizza. Horrible taste plus not great nutritional value plus outlandish price like getting raped in three orifices. Getting socks for Christmas.

ANNOUNCEMENT: SPAM Macadamia Nut Winners!!!

/ / Announcement / 2 Comments

Read our review of SPAM Macadamia Nuts here.

To many, winning a can of SPAM macadamia nuts from some overweight blogger in the middle of the Pacific Ocean who writes reviews in his underwear may not seem like a win. But five lucky Impulsive Buy readers now have to opportunity to find out if it truly is. Here are the five winners of the SPAM Macadamia Nut giveaway and their comments:

kristen – “I love Spam.”

jperonto – “Interesting flavor. Send them here! :)”

Marc – “Okay.”

Nicole – “http://www.buzzfeed.com/scott/spampersand. Spam and punctuation marks. Our fair civilization has progressed!”

Mary – “Spam nuts”

Congratulations to all the winners and thank you to everyone who participated.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Special K Low-Fat Granola

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It looks like the Kellogg’s Special K lineup of low-calorie, low-fat products needs to go on its own Special K diet, because it’s getting quite large. How big? Let me put it this way. I believe it could get kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for being too obese.

I’d love to see Special K go on its own diet, because I want it to feel the misery that thousands of men and women (mostly women) have gone through to lose a few pounds in two weeks by eating the same shit over and over and over again for breakfast and lunch just so that women can fit into their wedding dresses and men can continue to think they look hot in a Speedo, but never did.

Also, while we’re talking about Kellogg’s products doing horrible things, I’d like to see Snap, Crackle and Pop enter an octagon ring and fight to the death while Tony the Tiger is trying to maul them.

Speaking of things getting beaten up, the new Kellogg’s Special K Low-Fat Granola looks like a Nature Valley granola bar after it’s been used to bitchslap someone. It has a touch of honey and claims to have 50 percent less fat than the leading granola and is an excellent source of fiber. Now I’m not going to check their claims because if their granola is made by bitchslapping people with granola bars, I don’t want to be the next person they bitchslap for double checking their facts.

The Special K Granola isn’t bad. It stays crunchy in milk, but it’s also good as a snack without milk. It has a light sweetness, thanks to the high fructose corn syrup, but not so much the honey. I wish they included some nuts or fruits to make it a little more hearty and add a little more flavor. Although, if Special K’s line of cereals is any indication, they’ll probably come out with a smorgasbord, or clusterfuck, if you will, of granola cereals with nuts and fruit in the future.

With the Special K Low-Fat Granola adding a bit more variety to the cereal line, I may try the Special K diet again just to see if I’d get sick of it and to find out if I can look hot in a European-cut Speedo.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup without milk – 190 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 120 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Low-Fat Granola
Price: $3.50
Size: 19.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A nice light sweetness. Stays crunchy in milk. Claims to have 50 percent less fat than the leading granola. Contains a whole bunch of vitamins and minerals. One-fifth of your daily recommended intake of fiber. Snap, Crackle and Pop fighting to the death.
Cons: No nuts. No fruits. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Me in a Speedo. Any man in a Speedo. Soooo many Special K products. Being bitchslapped by a granola bar.

NEWS: MorningStar Farms Hot And Spicy Veggie Sausage Tries Burning You To Make You Forget It’s Not Meat

/ / Spotted on Shelves / 12 Comments

It’s fitting to see a company named MorningStar Farms come out with a hot and spicy version of their veggie breakfast sausages, since Morning Star is another name for Lucifer, who likes hot and spicy places.

MorningStar Farms Hot & Spicy Veggie Sausage Patties are seasoned with herbs and spices, like crushed red pepper, red bell peppers, black pepper and cayenne pepper. I’ve had their original veggie sausage patties, which I’ve enjoyed, and their maple-flavored variety, which tastes just like the original ones, and since I likey the spicy, I’ll probably enjoy these.

A box of MorningStar Farms Hot & Spicy Veggie Sausage Patties contains six patties. Each hot and spicy patty contains 70 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 130 milligrams of potassium, 3 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber and 8 grams of protein.

NEWS: Ben & Jerry’s New Boston Cream Pie Flavor Probably Thinks Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk Is Wicked Retahded

/ / Spotted on Shelves / 9 Comments

I’ve eaten a lot of fattening foods in my short lifetime, which have probably shortened my lifespan, but I’ve never had a Boston Cream Pie.

When I went to the all-knowing Wikipedia to learn about it, I found out it’s actually a cake.

Or is it? I’m so confused.

Well at least I know for sure the Ben & Jerry’s Boston Cream Pie Ice Cream is ice cream and eating a whole pint in one sitting is wicked retarded. The ice cream is made up of Boston Cream Pie-flavored ice cream with yellow cake pieces, fudge flakes and pastry cream swirls.

A 1/2 cup serving contains 250 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 90 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 26 grams of sugar and 3 grams of protein.

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