As time goes on, I become more comfortable with coffee. By that I mean I don’t walk into the office every morning sipping Coke Zero like a 12-year-old anymore; but I’m still not a huge fan of coffee’s bitterness. My wife doesn’t understand how that’s possible when I love IPAs, one of the bitterest kinds of beer in existence, but what can I say? The tongue wants what it wants.

Nonetheless, I’ve managed to combat this bitterness by indulging in mochas. Yes, they’re still not quite a big boy drink, but it’s a step in the right direction; and I find coffee and I get along better when it’s mixed with equal parts sweet, luxuriant chocolate. Which is good news, because today we’re looking at Ben & Jerry’s latest offering: Coffee, Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz!

Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? Actually, I’ll confess that the concept of coffee ice cream has always struck me as a little odd. The time you’re most likely to be eating ice cream is after dinner, in the evening or at night But that’s exactly the wrong time to be indulging in caffeine, at least for those of you who have difficulty falling asleep while wired. True, coffee ice cream doesn’t necessarily have to contain caffeine, but this particular flavor also includes espresso bean fudge chunks, and the description on the carton touts that “the caffeinated blast you lovelovelove is now a kick to ask for in more places! Enjoy!”

In B&J’s defense, it’s not like they’re making any secret of it. If you eat this ice cream and then have trouble sleeping, well, what’d you think was going to happen, stupid? Also, the cow on the lid has been given googly eyes pointing in different direction to indicate that it’s either extremely alert or tripping balls, and either way it’s pretty hilarious.

Beyond that it’s the standard B&J’s packaging, with a picture of a cup of joe with coffee beans being dropped into it (which, I’m given to understand, is NOT how you brew coffee), plus some fudge chunks hovering over to the side. The description notes that this flavor was previously available in scoop shops, and hints that it’s also a revived flavor from their ice cream graveyard, because even Ben & Jerry’s wants to hop on the zombie bandwagon.

When you crack it open and dig in a spoon, you’re confronted with that distinctive light brown color you may remember from every other coffee ice cream ever. But you’ll also see what looks like chocolate chunks peeking tantalizingly out; the fact that they’re actually espresso bean fudge chunks that will be helping you stay awake long enough to study for an exam or beat the next level or finally finish that review you’re late on is just a bonus. As you scoop a few, uh, scoops out, you’ll notice that they’re spread fairly liberally throughout the mixture… no mean beans, these.

As is the norm for Ben & Jerry’s, it’s very rich and sweet, with no pretension of being “light” this or “50% less sugar” that — love handles are for tomorrow, mister. The coffee flavor is prominent, which for me was merely tolerable but will probably really excite many of you. Like Glee. It really does taste like a cold cup of coffee, albeit one that has plenty of milk and sugar added to it.

But it’s the espresso bean fudge chunks that are the highlight of this flavor. Without them it’s just a decent but somewhat unmemorable coffee ice cream — Tintin without Captain Haddock, Mickey without Donald, The Office without Steve Carell. But the chunks are both plentiful and extremely tasty, and that’s from someone who doesn’t drink espressos. They’re firm enough without hurting your teeth, and the fudge flavor really comes through in a big way, the perfect way to offset the bitterness of the coffee taste. (That said, I would recommend not eating it while drinking an IPA. Little tip.)

So yeah — if it were economically and calorically feasible, I guess I could just eat half a cup of this before work every morning. Since it’s not, I’ll stick with the mocha, but don’t let that dissuade you from trying this flavor. I enjoyed it without even being a coffee fan; those who are definitely shouldn’t pass it up. Just make sure you’re physically and financially fit first, because as usual, this stuff ain’t healthy and it ain’t cheap.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 260 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of total fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 24 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Coffee, Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz! reviews:
The Ice Cream Informant
On Second Scoop

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Coffee, Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz!
Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Actually can help keep you awake. The espresso chunks are plentiful and flavorful. Googly-eyed cows. Coffee flavor lingers on your taste buds. Donald Duck.
Cons: “BuzzBuzzBuzz!” sounds more like a honey than a coffee flavor. I sympathize with anyone who eats this and later wonders why the hell they can’t get to sleep. Coffee ice cream always looks so drab. Mickey without Donald.

Oh Ben & Jerry’s, I can never stay away from you.

Yes, I made a big fuss last time about how I wasn’t interested in B&J’s latest offering, Cannoli Ice Cream.  But when it came down to it, I was weak.  For as much as I enjoyed the pumpkin coffee ice cream, I couldn’t wait to get the cannoli flavor home and take a taste.  I hope I don’t sound like a frozen dessert whore when I tell you that the two are sharing space in my freezer right now.  In my defense, I’ve never had a bowl of each in the same night.  A man has to have some morals.

So what convinced me to sample the forbidden ice cream?  Well, the package promises mascarpone ice cream (and fuck you, red squiggly spellcheck line, that IS how you spell it) with fudge-covered cannoli pastry shell chunks, plus a mascarpone swirl.  Actually, spellcheck is not a friend of “cannoli” either, which I think evinces a clear anti-Italian-American bias on the part of Microsoft.  Which in turn reminds me of that Sopranos episode where Paulie Walnuts got upset because schools weren’t properly celebrating Columbus Day, but we’re getting waaaay off topic, so never mind.

To be honest, I’m just a tad disappointed that the cows on the carton aren’t wearing suits or eating spaghetti bolognese or something, but that might’ve been culturally insensitive.  (For obvious reasons, leather jackets were a no-go.)  I do think they missed out on a prime opportunity to give us Ben & Jerry’s “Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli” ice cream, although the description on the back does advise you to leave the spoon, take the cannoli.  Which… doesn’t make much sense (how are you going to eat it without a spoon?), but whatever.

When you first remove the lid, you’re met with what looks like chocolate chip ice cream, and that general appearance persists as you dig deeper.  Never fear though, because like that guy you wouldn’t go out with in high school but then he becomes a moderately successful internet writer with cute kids, there’s more going on under the surface than it initially appears.  For starters, the primary flavor is sweeter than vanilla ice cream, with a lingering but pleasant aftertaste. It’s fairly rich and you do have to have a bit of a sweet tooth to properly enjoy it; my wife, who subsists on salt licks and seawater, was not as much of a fan as I was.

The chips/chunks do indeed have that extra little fudge element, plus they taste a bit like waffle cone, which I presume is the “pastry shell” element.  As for the mascarpone swirl, well, it’s not so much a visible swirl cutting through the ice cream as flecks peppered throughout the entire body.  Overall the texture is pleasing, thick and creamy with enough elements to keep it interesting, and the chunks aren’t tough to chew.

It is also super fattening, so you might want to be doing leg lifts or squats while eating it (or bicycle crunches if you’re crazy coordinated).  The calorie count is high though not ridiculous, but the saturated fat content is a cool 55% of your daily recommended value.  It’s okay though, the total fat is only 25%!  So as long as you’re okay with a 1/4 carton of this functioning as your entire lunch, go forth and conquer.

All jokes aside, like most of what Ben & Jerry’s has to offer, this is some good stuff.  It’s limited batch, so if you’re interested, best not delay in grabbing a carton.  Just make sure you’re committed to spending an extra 20 minutes at the gym the next day.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 280 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of total fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 23 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Cannoli Ice Cream reviews:
On Second Scoop

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Cannoli Ice Cream
Purchased Price: $3.99 (or 2 for $7)
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very sweet and nuanced.  Good texture.  Effective way to bulk up for wrestling?  Fudge and pastry shell bits are delicious and relatively liberal.  Not too fattening if you only eat two bites at a time.
Cons: Missed Godfather jokes.  Probably even more fattening than most real cannolis.  You do have to have a taste for sweetness.  Cheating on the ice cream you brought home first.

When you do a search for something you think is innocuous like “cream pie” and Google Instant suddenly disappears, you know you’re about to learn about something you probably didn’t want to know.

When you do a search for “banana cream pie jokes” and it gets even worse, you just want to give up.

So let’s start over.

Awful sexual terms aside, when I think about cream pies, I think clowns. I think Stooges. I think classic comedy. The pie in the face is right up there with the banana peel on the ground. And this new Ben & Jerry’s Banana Cream Pie ice cream has cream pie and bananas!

While it may be tempting, please do not attempt to use a pint of this ice cream to hit somebody in the face. It will probably not be funny. Also, setting it on the ground will probably not result in a pratfall; whoever you’re trying to prank will probably just wonder why a perfectly good carton of ice cream is sitting on the ground, getting all melty. Also not funny.

Banana Cream Pie is an “Exclusive Batch”, which means it’s only available at Walmart. Which means I had to go to Walmart. The things I do for you TIB readers. It’s not even listed on the Ben & Jerry’s website, so you can sneak out to your local Walmart, pick up a pint, and be the envy of all your neighbors.

“Hey, I’ve never seen that Ben & Jerry’s flavor before!” They’ll say. “Where did you get it?” Then you can look all smug and tell them you’ve got secret ice cream connections. They’ll be so impressed. Also, your neighbors are fucking weird and you should really think about moving. Or, as the cow that just got pied in the face on the front of the B&J’s carton would say, “moooving”.

I’m sorry. In my defense, Ben & Jerry themselves say on the carton, “If you’re a fan of Banana Cream Pie, you’ll love the in-your-face taste of Banana Cream Pie ice cream.” Yes, that’s right. In your face. The puns, they just can’t be helped. You could say they are punstoppable. Someone help me.

Anyways, the official description of Ben & Jerry’s Banana Cream Pie is “banana ice cream with pastry cream swirls, marshmallow swirls & pie crust pieces”.

Well, that sounds like a pretty close approximation to a deconstructed banana cream pie. Unfortunately, to me it tasted more “fallen apart” than “deconstructed”. I thought the banana flavor tasted a little artificial, but a quick look at the ingredients revealed that real bananas are used, which makes me wonder if some of the other ingredients tricked my taste buds.

There was a pleasant and authentic pie crust flavor, but there weren’t big chunks like I expected. Instead, it was more of a grainy texture, like the crust had been completely pulverized before being added to the ice cream.

As for the marshmallow and pastry cream swirls, well, I could see swirls, but they looked darker than marshmallows or pastry cream. In fact, they looked more like banana swirls than anything. If I tried really hard, I could taste a bit of marshmallow, but the pastry cream flavor was nowhere to be found, even if I closed my eyes and pretended real hard.

Ben & Jerry’s usually delivers on their flavors – even the wacky ones – but I feel as though they missed the mark on Banana Cream Pie. Without the marshmallow and pastry cream flavors, you’re left with banana ice cream that has some grainy pie crust flavor to it. I love B&J and their constant stream of new flavors, so I won’t threaten to chuck a carton of this ice cream at them. Perhaps if I hit them in the face with a real banana cream pie, they would understand what this ice cream should have tasted like.

(Nutrition Facts — 1/2 cup — 260 calories, 110 calories from fat, 12 grams of total fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 10% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Banana Cream Pie
Price: $3.25
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Real bananas used. Classic pie-in-the-face joke. Pie crust was tasty and authentic. Classic banana-peel-on-the-ground joke. Tiny hint of marshmallow did taste good.
Cons: No pastry cream taste and barely any marshmallow. Learning from Google that “cream pie” is not an innocent search term. Pie crust was grainy instead of chunky. Clowns. Bananas tasted somewhat artificial even though they weren’t.