I have to admit “Satisfries” is a very clever name for Burger King’s latest addition to their sides menu. Or perhaps I should say its name gratifries my wordplay bone. Yes, I could fill this review with words that end with -fries, but the thought of that probably horrifries many. So this sentence signifries the end of me using anymore words I’ve made up using the suffix -fries.

Burger King’s Satisfries look like your typical crinkle-cut fries, but it’s what you don’t see that’s being promoted heavily by the fast food company. According to Burger King’s website in a big, bold font, Satisfries have 40 percent less fat and 30 percent less calories than McDonald’s fries. They also have 20 percent less calories and 25 percent less fat than Burger King’s classic fries, even though they’re cooked in the same fryers, same oil, for the same amount of time as the non-crinkled fries.

So what fast food magic allows Satisfries to have less fat and calories? According to Burger King, these new fries use a less porous batter to keep out more oil during cooking. So how are these crinkle-cut fries that sound like they’ve been through a culinary Oxy acne treatment?

I like them. In fact, I like them more than BK’s classic fries. Although, to be honest, I don’t think too highly of them.

They have a better potato flavor than Burger King’s classic fries and because they’re thicker there’s a lot of hot and fluffy goodness inside. It’s almost as if they’ve been stuffed with mashed potatoes. Satisfries go great with ketchup (and Burger King’s Zesty sauce) and have a pleasant crisp exterior, however I think BK’s classic fries are crispier and salted better. The first few Satisfries I ate were salted well, but as I made my way through the sleeve, they seemed to be less salty.

However, while Satisfries have significantly less calories and fat than McDonald’s fries, I don’t think they have the flavor to make my taste buds crave them instead of McDonald’s starchy offering. They taste too similar to the frozen crinkle-cut fries I can prepare in my oven.

You also have to pay a premium for them. They’re 10 to 30 cents more expensive than Burger King’s classic fries and there’s an upcharge if you want them with your value meal.

Personally, I think Burger King should make their Satisfries the same price as their classic fries and then have the two battle it out for the hearts and wallets of consumers. The product that sells better wins and becomes Burger King’s only fries and the loser is banished from the fast food world and promises to never return, not even for a limited time, joining Burger King’s pre-2011 fries and The King mascot.

I hope Burger King’s Satisfries sell well and takes its rightful place as the fast food chain’s default fries. They’re better tasting, better for you, and have a better name than their classic fries. Also, having two different fries on the menu that have almost the same flavor profile stupefries me.

Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

(Nutrition Facts – medium size – 340 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Satisfries
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: Medium
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Better potato flavor than Burger King’s classic fries. Clever name. Less calories and fat than McDonald’s fries and BK’s classic fries. Hot and fluffy innards. Crispy exterior. Not using diversifries, exemplifries, and identifries in this review.
Cons: Pricier than Burger King’s classic fries. Not as crispy and salty as BK’s classic fries. Still not as good as McDonald’s fries. Autocorrect correcting every attempt to type Satisfries.

Remember when Burger King’s slogan was, “Have it your way”?

I do. Actually, I’ll never forget because it’s tattooed on my mind. And that mind tattoo is burned in a dark part of my head where evil thoughts roam, revenge run free, and horrible pop song lyrics hibernate until they decide to pop into my consciousness at odd times. Anger is what prevents the slogan from moving into the pop culture ether in another part of my head.

The slogan has been there for many years because I could not get a Whopper made my way. All I wanted was some French fries on my Whopper, but the cashier said I couldn’t do that. And the manager who was listening to our conversation also said I couldn’t do that. Blurting out their slogan over and over again using various tones probably didn’t help. Although, now that I think about it, I was kind of being a prick by testing the system.

Epiphany!

Catharsis!

Anger released!

Ohhhh. “Have it your way” moving to the pop culture ether in another area of my mind, where it’ll float with other useless information that will come in handy during trivia or while doing icebreaker worksheets.

While it may not be a Whopper topped with French fries, the Burger King French Fry Burger comes pretty close. It’s topped with a fire-grilled beef patty, lettuce, mayonnaise, ketchup, and, of course, French fries. Because the French Fry Burger is a value menu item, don’t expect a pile of fries. Actually, don’t expect any particular number of fries because it seems to vary. I ordered two of them and both came with three fries. Our friends over at Grub Grade had one with four fries and Man Reviews Food received one with six fries.

(Note: Let us know in the comments how many fries were in your Burger King French Fry Burger.)

The sandwich has that signature Burger King beef flavor that comes with every Whopper…and every burp after eating a Whopper. With both burgers I purchased, the mayo to ketchup ratio significantly leaned more towards the former. I was hoping there would be more ketchup, since, you know, ketchup and fries go together like suits and ties; clouds and skies; and poop and flies.

If you order through the drive-thru or get your food to go, there’s a 100 percent chance the fries in the sandwich will be soggy by the time you wrap your mouth around it. But when you do get around to eating it, the fries will provide a noticeable fluffy starchiness that no sesame seed bun could provide. However, what isn’t noticeable is a potato flavor, which seems to get lost between the gloops of mayonnaise and ketchup. Perhaps six fries might’ve helped with that.

Overall, I think the French Fry Burger is tasty, but its nonexistent French fry flavor makes it tastes too similar to a Whopper. To me, the only appeal of Burger King’s French Fry Burger is the fact it’s only a dollar (or $1.19 here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean). Its cheap price probably makes it taste better than the fries do.

(Nutrition Facts – 360 calories, 170 calories from fat, 19 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 490 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King French Fry Burger
Purchased Price: $1.19*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Only a dollar at most Burger King locations. A tasty, cheap sandwich. Something to buy when I don’t feel like eating a McDonald’s McDouble. Letting go of anger.
Cons: The three fries in each of my burgers didn’t provide a noticeable potato flavor. Inconsistent number of fries among fast food bloggers. If you order it to go, there’s a good chance the fries will be soggy. Tastes too much like a Whopper. Muttering “Have it your way” in my sleep. Whopper burps.

*because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean we sometimes pay more for things.

It was a late night at the office. Outside my window, the occasional crack of thunder broke through the sound of unrelenting rain. I sat at my desk, furiously tapping away at the typewriter, working on reviews of the latest food items to hit the streets. Suddenly, the phone rang.

It was a stranger. He spoke low, almost whispering, his voice shrouded in mystery.

Me: Hello?

Stranger: Is this a secure line?

Me: Yes.

There was a pause.

Stranger: I heard you’ve been having cravings…for the McRib.

Ah, the McRib. That elusive barbecue pork sandwich sold only periodically by McDonald’s restaurants. Unfortunately, McRib season had recently ended, and my stomach growled with a hunger that could only be sated by one special sandwich.

Me: Keep your voice down! McRib season is over. There’s nothing for me to do.

Stranger: I’ve got something you should see. Meet me in the alleyway on Fourth and Main. No cops.

The stranger hung up the phone. I put out my cigarette and grabbed my trench coat and fedora. No good detective – I mean, food writer – leaves without his fedora.

I thought about the call. Could this shady stranger possibly be a McRib dealer, peddling pork sandwiches as addictive as crack cocaine? Or might his product be a cheap, low-grade imitation? There was only one way to find out.

I waited in the alleyway for the stranger. Just as I began growing impatient, I saw him appear, his identity masked by the shadows. He handed me an unmarked white bag.

Stranger: It’s not a McRib, but try it. You won’t be disappointed.

Suddenly, the stranger ran off. In the poorly lit alleyway, I had difficulty seeing what he looked like, but as he fled, I noticed the faint outline of a crown upon his head.

Ah, The Burger King. We meet again.

Back at my office, I opened the bag and found the new BK Rib Sandwich, a barbecue pork sandwich available for a limited time on Burger King’s new summer menu.

I must admit, I had high expectations. Could the new BK Rib Sandwich possibly compete with my beloved McRib? Wide-eyed with anticipation, I unwrapped my sandwich…

The first thing I noticed about the BK Rib Sandwich was its appearance. Unlike the McRib, which has a wider-shaped roll, the BK Rib Sandwich is served on a standard hamburger bun. Upon removing the top, we find pickles and a rather square-shaped pork patty, complete with appetizing grill marks. Though the sandwich seems a little flatter than the McRib, the pork on the BK Rib Sandwich just looks better than the pork slab found on the McRib.

But enough about the looks. Taste will be the determining factor for this sandwich.

Biting into the BK Rib Sandwich, I instantly noticed the pork flavor: it has a much more vibrant smokiness compared to the McRib. As a result, it feels more like I’m eating authentic pork and less like I’m eating a processed pork product. Furthermore, the barbecue sauce is truly enjoyable. Though the sauce might not be as noticeably tangy as the McRib sauce, it is sweet nonetheless, and even has a pleasant spiciness which I was not expecting. After a few bites, I noticed the heat of the burger. The burn is not overwhelming, though; the sauce of the BK Rib Sandwich has the perfect amount of kick to complement its sweetness.

Sadly, I feel that the pickles found on my sandwich took the back seat to the rib flavor. The sweetness of the pickles was often masked by the flavor of the barbecue sauce and pork. This was a little unexpected, as the pork patty wasn’t completely slathered in sauce. In addition, the sandwich completely lacked onions, which happen to be my favorite part of the McRib. Onions would have been a definite improvement for the BK Rib Sandwich.

So how does the BK Rib Sandwich fare against the McRib? Well, that’s a tough question. Both sandwiches have their strengths. I love what the onions and pickles do for the McRib, but the lack of onions and the masked pickle taste are definite drawbacks. However, I prefer the barbecue sauce on the BK Rib Sandwich due to its combination of sweetness and spiciness.

Overall, the BK Rib Sandwich was delicious, and I hope it will be seen as more than just a substitution for the McRib. Will I ever eat another McRib? Yes, it’s inevitable. It’s a classic! And I truly hope that the sandwich returns with Burger King’s summer menu next year.

(Nutrition Facts – 560 calories, 31 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 1530 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugar, 24 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Rib Sandwich
Purchased Price: $5.25
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Spicy barbecue sauce. Smoky pork flavor. Grill marks. Meeting strangers in alleyways.
Cons: Pickle flavor is masked. No onions!

I’ve developed a few personal rules about breakfast:

Don’t mix orange juice with coffee.

Don’t put grapefruit in the omelette.

Don’t put broccoli in the chocolate ice cream.

If you want a donut, get one.

The last of these, while the seemingly simplest of the bunch, is not always easy. When the craving for a rotund chunk of fried dough strikes, there’s no stopping it, but, in a city where the only fresh-made Krispy Kreme is in an underground cement “garden” and the price of artisan donuts could empty the bank, it’s easy to find yourself stranded in lower Manhattan without a reasonably priced fried dough option in sight…but what’s this?! Burger King offering me instant puffs of fried dough?

It proposed such unknown…and yet such happiness. And are we to deny ourselves potential happiness for fear of the unknown? Nay, dear readers! We are not chicken-bellied fools! We boldly go forth and pursue happiness!

It may be a Whopper box, but you can’t fool me!

You donuts and your secret identities.

I take a bite and, ahhh, yes, warm donut holes. Or rather, doughy, cube-like shapes. Nothing scary at all. At the same time, nothing too spectacular. On first bite, the dough is warm and a bit chewy, the glaze sticky and sugary. This is a yeast dough, to be sure, somewhat reminiscent of the cross between a grocery store donut and a brioche roll.

However, this joyous experience is time-sensitive. Give these suckers two minutes and the dough takes on taste and texture of a frozen Pillsbury dinner roll that’s been put in the microwave a few seconds. The eating process gets to be a bit of a calisthenic session for the jaw.

The glaze was simple enough, tasting mostly of sugar, sugar, and sugar, a one-note satisfaction to which I’m especially keen on, although I wouldn’t have argued if a little vanilla or cinnamon showed up in there. Both in the warm and cool phases, the glaze remained sticky. I was hoping this sugary patina may dry and crackle along the edges like a Krispy Kreme, but it remained shiny and thin as the wax on a 1957 Ferrari Testa Rossa at a car show.

One of the more frustrating qualities of fast food restaurants is the 10:30 breakfast shutdown. Oh, the days that have passed where my 4:30 p.m. sausage biscuit craving is left unfulfilled! Luckily, BK put these donut holes on their all-day menu, so, if the craving hits, you can trust BK will be there with your yeast rolls and sugar.

But, overall, I don’t think I’m up to buying these again. Maybe it was the weather or the lunch rush, but the dry dough and thin glaze didn’t fill the empty donut pocket in my soul. If you really, really need a glazed fix or enjoy microwaved dough, these are an acceptable stand-in, but I would recommend the grocery store Krispy Kreme first.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 donut holes – 280 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Donut Holes reviews:
Brand Eating
Man Reviews Food
Serious Eats

Item: Burger King Donut Holes
Purchased Price: $1.40
Size: 5 donut holes
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Available any time of day. Sweet glaze. A good idea. Nice portion.
Cons: Dry. Tastes of microwaved dinner roll. Tough to chew. Weak glaze. Grapefruit in an omelette. Low Krispy Kremes population in Manhattan

You know what three things scare me regarding food?

Cilantro, balut, and Burger King drive-thrus. In that exact order.

And yes, I would rather eat a soapy-tasting weed or a bird embryo than deal with a Burger King drive-thru. Because it took two attempts and two different Burger King drive-thrus to get a proper Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich in my hands.

Now before I begin my foul-mouthed rant about my Burger King visits, I want to add that both were done on the weekend and before 8:30 am when the only person up is my neighbor with OCD who brushes the lawn so it is “straight.” Lastly, it was a rare cold morning in central Florida where the temperature was in the low 40s. So, basically, nobody was on the road except me, my wife, and my neighbor who ensures each leaf is pointed correctly on her tree.

My first attempt to get this sandwich was abysmal. You can get the Burger King Bacon Gouda Sandwich on either a comfy biscuit or stodgy, yet classy, English muffin. You Francophiles are also in luck; the menu indicates it comes as a Croissan’wich too. I didn’t want the bread to overwhelm the mild Gouda so I decided on the English muffin.

I’m also leery of fast food biscuits because biscuits are a Southern institution as my wife would attest. To me, fast food biscuits (for the most part) are clunky, flavorless and unpleasantly dense. Alas, as luck would have it, “We don’t have no English muffins” buzzed through the speaker.

(sigh)

Window jockey, can you at least feign a sorry?

Annoyed, hungry, and not thinking clearly, I settled on the biscuit and waited six fucking minutes for it. Yes. Six…fucking…minutes in the drive-thru for basically a damn bacon and cheese sandwich. Needless to say, the cheese was not melted and appeared it was thrown on the sandwich like it was a discarded Band-Aid.

I felt like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. At least my wife got a good chuckle until I horse-stomped the sandwich in the bag on the passenger side carpet.

Sure, my behavior could be the result of the three hours of sleep I had after a marathon-gaming session, but I don’t think so because I’m still angry and want to choke slam the idiot that made my sandwich. Then I want to take that person’s teeth and put it in the sandwich so I can make them eat it too.

Boy, I need anger management.

My second attempt at another Burger King only reiterated their crappy drive-thru service in my area. I ordered the same thing with an English muffin which they actually had. Great, right?

No, because apparently I’m an asshole for thinking a drive-thru works as simple as:

Step 1. Place your order.
Step 2. Pay.
Step 3. You get your order.

I got up to the window and the manager goes (and I’m paraphrasing), “Uh, did you want cheese and sausage?” Why the hell did I order from the stupid speaker if I have to tell you again what I ordered? So, I repeat my order with disdain and in a minute she hands me the sandwich.

They were fast…almost too fast. My wife, of course, thought the whole thing was funny, but also reminded me to check my sandwich.

Hey! What do you know? It’s a bacon sandwich sans the herb spread and with orange American cheese. Not what I ordered!

After a half-assed apology and dealing with my outrage (I’m pretty sure there was spit in my sandwich now), I received only what I can say was close to perfection, but not enough to quell my anger.

The sandwich was warm and felt great in the cold morning. It radiated in my hands in its neat little package. Unwrapping the white paper, I smelled the buttery eggs embracing me. The English muffin was toasted, yet fluffy, and it was generously slathered with the rich herb sauce.

The nooks and crannies of the muffin created flavor pockets of butter and it carried the Gouda and eggs away to breakfast heaven. The herb spread and rich buttery flavor complemented each other well. The bacon provided a pleasant fatty saltiness that heightened the sandwich and made me ask myself, “Do I still want to make that person eat their own teeth?”

The melted Gouda was mild, but flavorful. The cheese immersed itself into the egg and buttery spread. The combined components of the sandwich created one lush flavor. I would order it again, although from inside a Burger King. Here’s a tip too, the Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich has 140 less calories than the biscuit version. So decide wisely.

Admittedly, it’s hard to beat the trifecta of a good breakfast — bacon, cheese, and eggs — but Burger King slightly elevated it with this sandwich. It was so good that I don’t care if a BK employee’s DNA may have been in it. In fact, if you put balut, complete with tiny feathers and beak, into that sandwich, I would still eat it.

(Nutrition Facts – 380 calories, 22 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 195 milligrams of cholesterol, 920 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, and 21 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Bacon Gouda Sandwich reviews:
Man Reviews Food
Brand Eating
Grub Grade

Item: Burger King Bacon Gouda Muffin Sandwich
Purchased Price: $3.39
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The muffin sandwich was buttery, salty, crispy, warm, and lush all at the same time. Horse-stomping things. The herb spread complemented the sandwich’s butteriness. The Gouda melded well with the eggs. Falling Down.
Cons: Burger King Drive-Thrus in my area are manned by imbeciles. This is a limited offer. Unmelted cheese on breakfast sandwiches is disgusting. My wife laughing at me. Cleaning up the car after my antics.