Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies

Caramel Cookies

(Editor’s Note: The winners of this month’s prize drawing have been selected. Their names have been posted in the right column. Congratulations to them and thanks to everyone who participated.)

Psst. Cookie Monster.

I read they’re cutting back your cookie consumption. That’s too bad, after all, you’re THE Cookie Monster.

I don’t understand why they’re doing this to you, it’s not your fault kids are getting fat. You should go on TV and point fingers at the fast food industry, the lack of physical education in schools, or SpongeBob SquarePants. People are blaming SpongeBob for other things, so you should just peg this one on him as well.

Anyway, so are you having withdrawals? It must be hard on you to not be able to eat cookies all the time. Addictions can be hard to break. Look at Charlie Sheen. He couldn’t stop his hooker addiction for that hottie Denise Richards.

To be honest, you eating cookies all the time wasn’t so bad. You’ve eaten them for decades and you’re not obese, you’ve never had a heart attack, and you don’t have diabetes. So I don’t understand why you NOW need to eat a balanced diet. You’re like those old men who eat bacon for every meal, smoke cigars everyday, and live until they’re 90 years old.

Well, because you and I have a lot in common, like loving cookies, having googly eyes, and hairy chests, especially around the nipple area, I’m going to help you out.

I just baked some Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies, and if you want some, I could send a dozen of them to you…for a price.

I know you’ve got money, because you’ve been on television for decades. You must be raking in, at least, a hundred thousand dollars an episode.

And don’t give me that non-profit PBS excuse, I’m sure you also get residuals from all the 120 foreign markets Sesame Street is in. Oh, and let’s not forget the money you’re making from all the merchandising.

I know you don’t make as much as Big Bird or that annoying Elmo, but you’re probably making more than Grover, Mr. Snuffleupagus, and those two lovebirds, Bert and Ernie.

If you’re interested, I’ve got a plan to get these cookies to you without your fellow Sesame Street neighbors finding out.

I’ll give the cookies to those hippies down in Fraggle Rock and they could dig a tunnel to your place and deliver the cookies to you. They’re not doing anything, except getting high, because their show ended in 1987.

Wait, on second thought, that might be a bad idea. Some of them might have a bad case of the munchies and eat your cookies before they deliver them to you.

Maybe I’ll just mail them, wrapped in coffee beans so no one can smell the cookies.

So you’re probably wondering how’s the product?

These Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies are good. They’re definitely better than those Chips Ahoy cookies, but they aren’t as good or as big as the Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics I tried last month.

I know you like the traditional crunchy chocolate chip cookies, so I don’t know if you’ll really like these because the caramel filling in each cookie makes them a lot chewier and sweeter. To be honest, the caramel made them a little too sweet for me, but I don’t think you’ll notice it because you don’t ever chew your cookies anyway, you just inhale them.

Or, if you like, I can just send you the cookie dough for you to bake. These cookies are quick and easy. Just break off the globs of cookie dough, place them on a baking pan, and bake them at 350 degrees for 13 minutes.

However, if you decide to go the cookie dough route, the aroma from baking them could tip people off to what you’re up to and you might get into trouble. If you like, I could throw in a little incense, for an extra fee, to cover the baking smell.

Anyway, if you want this deal done, you know how to contact me.

Just to let you know, I expect half the payment up front, and the other half after delivery.

Item: Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Quick and easy to bake. If you like chewy cookies, the caramel makes them chewy.
Cons: The caramel filling made them a little too sweet. Cookie Monster eating a balanced diet. My hairy nipples.

Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics

Big Deluxe Classics

To celebrate Martha Stewart’s release from prison, I decided to bake cookies. So while watching CNN’s live coverage of her first day back working at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, I put down my koa wood framed 8×10 photo of Martha and brought out the baking pan from my Martha Stewart Everyday Nonstick 5-Piece Baking Set.

Unfortunately, after a horrible brownie baking accident, which involved me not adding any eggs to the brownie mixture and creating the hardest baked goods ever, I’ve stopped baking things from scratch.

Besides, when you bake from scratch you have to worry about fractions, and I suck at fractions.

So instead of making the cookies from scratch, I opened up a package of Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics, with which I could bake a dozen cookies. I know Martha would kill me if she found out I wasn’t going to bake these cookies from scratch. After all, I’m sure she learned how to kill in prison.

I wonder if she’ll teach us how to kill on a future episode of Martha Stewart Living.

By the way, did you see how hot Martha looks now? Damn! Total MILF!

If I was in the kitchen with her and I had a wooden spoon in my hands, I would totally spank her ass with it. If only I was under house arrest with her. Sigh.

Wait, was that too much information for you? Sorry.

Anyway, after washing my hands and drying them using the hand towel from my Martha Stewart Everyday 5-Star Egyptian Cotton Basketweave Towel Set I placed the twelve cookie dough rounds on top of the ungreased baking pan, leaving them about two inches apart from each other.

Then I placed the baking pan into the oven, which was preheated at 350 degrees fahrenheit. Fifteen minutes later, I had cookies that even Martha would be proud of, if she didn’t know they weren’t made from scratch.

Big Deluxe Classics

After letting them cool for a few minutes, I grabbed one of the smaller plates from my Martha Stewart Everyday Classic White 16-Piece Ceramic Dinnerware Set so that I wouldn’t get crumbs all over the place as I ate my freshly baked cookies, while Martha talked about her experiences in prison.

Oh, these cookies were good. Every bite had some chocolate goodness. I guess it helped that along with the regular semi-sweet and milk chocolate chips, there were also mini, semi-sweet Hershey’s Kisses added to the cookie dough. It basically was an orgy of chocolate.

After eating half a cookie, I realized I was missing something very important…MILF…I mean, milk.

So I pulled out from the cupboard one of the glasses from my Martha Stewart Everyday 12-Piece Butterfly Glassware Set and poured myself some milk, so that I could dunk the warm cookies into it.

Oh, Martha would be so proud!

When I was done, I put the rest of the cookies in one of the square 5-cup food containers from my Martha Stewart Everyday 48-Piece Airtight Food Container Set, so that I may enjoy the cookies later on.

Overall, these Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics were very good. Or as Martha would say, “It’s a good thing.”

Item: Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Quick. Easy to bake. Big cookies. Martha Stewart is a total MILF.
Cons: Martha is still under house arrest. I suck at baking things from scratch.