The new Limited Edition Oreo DQ Blizzard Creme cookies commemorate the 25th birthday of the Dairy Queen Blizzard.

Wait. The Blizzard is 25 years old?

Hmm…All this time I thought it was a minor. So seven years ago, I could’ve legally been hitting on the Dairy Queen Blizzard. I also could’ve looked at sexy photos of it on the internet and fantasized about it without fear of being arrested and having to register as a sex offender. But now that I know it’s 25 years old, the appeal of hooking up with the Blizzard has gone away. An older man getting with an 18-year-old is just below threesomes on the Things That Hugh Hefner Has Done That You Probably Never Will Experience Scale.

Why didn’t some pervert out there with knowledge of Adobe Flash or Javascript build an online 18th birthday countdown timer for the Blizzard?

If you’re a pervert and you know it, clap your hands.
If you’re a pervert and you know it, clap your hands.
If you’re a pervert and you know it,
Then your online 18th birthday countdown timer for an underage celebrity will surely show it,
If you’re a pervert and you know it, clap your hands.

Seriously, other tech savvy pervs have done it for the Olsen Twins, Hayden Panettiere, Britney Spears, Emma Watson, Miley Cyrus, and Lindsay Lohan.

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan and things I don’t want to lick, I’m not sure I like dragging my tongue against the Limited Edition Oreo DQ Blizzard Creme’s filling, which contains specks of Oreo cookies. It’s like I’m French kissing sugary coarse sandpaper or licking my unshaven face taint as I try to touch my nose with my tongue. The rough filling has a vanilla flavor that’s slightly more enhanced than what’s in between a regular Oreo cookie, and it’s almost as thick as the filling in a Double Stuf Oreo. I don’t think the limited edition cookie tastes like an Oreo Blizzard and I didn’t find it to be as delectable as regular Oreos. Maybe if I went meta and blended a few of them with some soft serve ice cream they would be better.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Dairy Queen Blizzard. I may have missed your 18th birthday, but I won’t miss the McFlurry’s. Someone please build an online 18th birthday countdown timer for the McFlurry.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 6% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition Oreo DQ Blizzard Creme
Price: $2.98
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: The House That Sam Built
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. Filling has specks of Oreo cookies and is almost as thick as a Double Stuf Oreo. Having Adobe Flash or Javascript skills, unless you’re an iPhone developer. Dairy Queen Blizzards. Getting to use the word “meta” in a review to make me look like I have vocabulary skills.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like an Oreo Blizzard. Not quite as good as regular Oreos. Missing the Blizzard’s 18th birthday. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Not as many cookies as a pack of regular Oreos. Licking an unshaven face taint.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking when it comes to the new Mint Oreo Fudge Cremes? Let’s find out. On the count of three, let’s yell out what we’re thinking.

One…two…three…cookie incest!

Oh, you weren’t thinking cookie incest. Instead you were thinking about how I already reviewed these fudge-covered, mint-flavored cookies awhile back and your dislike of the spelling of “cremes” because that’s how them French folks spell it. Or if you live in France, you were thinking about how I already reviewed these fudge-covered, mint-flavored cookies awhile back and your dislike of American companies stealing “cremes” from your vernacular.

I can understand why you might think I reviewed these in the past, because they’re extremely similar to the Limited Edition Mint Fudge Covered Oreos I tried a few months ago. While those were whole regular Oreos covered in a mint fudge, these are mint Oreos, minus one of the chocolate cookies, covered in regular fudge. Their ingredients might be slightly different, but they taste exactly alike

After reading the previous sentence, are you thinking what I’m thinking? Let’s find out again. On the count of three, let’s yell out what we’re thinking.

One…two…three…Kate and Allison Foster from the 1980s NBC show Double Trouble!

Oh, you weren’t thinking about identical twin sisters Jean and Liz Sagal, who played Kate and Allison Foster on the 1980s NBC show Double Trouble and are the younger sisters of Katey Sagal, who starred in Married… with Children and is the voice of Leela on Futurama. Instead you were thinking about how Nabisco is taking a page out of the Taco Bell cookbook because they’re selling a product that tastes like another product of theirs and pushing it as something new.

Overall, the Mint Oreo Fudge Cremes were very satisfying, especially when chilled. They may not be original, but because they taste like the delectable Limited Edition Mint Fudge Covered Oreos, which taste like Girl Scout Thin Mints, I can look past the lack of ingenuity. But I swear, if Nabisco comes out with an Oreo cookie that consists of their regular filling with mint chocolate cookies and dipped in fudge, I’m gonna bitchslap the nearest colophon.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 cookies – 170 calories, 9 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 19 grams of sugar and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Mint Oreo Fudge Cremes
Price: $3.49
Size: 8.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Delectable. Tastes like Girl Scout Thin Mints. Awesome when chilled. 1980s NBC show Double Trouble. Adolescent dreams of Kate and Allison Foster. Futurama.
Cons: Trying to find a colophon to bitchslap. Not really an original product. My inability to read your mind. High in saturated fat, if you eat three or more of them. The spelling of “cremes.” Cookie incest.

They say every time you reject a Girl Scout’s offer to buy their cookies, you take one step closer to hell.

Because I believe there is some truth to those words, I have yet to decline the saleswomanship of a Girl Scout who comes up to me as I walk out of my favorite grocery store and ask, “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?” It’s also hard to decline them because they say staring into the eyes of a Girl Scout is like staring into the eyes of an angel.

But whenever I’m posed the question of whether or not I would like to buy Girl Scout Cookies, an internal quandary occurs. My cold heart says, “Begone Brownie Scout for I wish not to partake in your hedonistic cookies,” but because my heart is connected to my circulatory system and not my digestive system, which my mouth and stomach are a part of, it has no say in the matter when the following words come out of my cookie hole: “Do you have Thin Mints?”

My cold heart feels the way it does because deep down I want to reject every Girl Scout that steps in front of me, just like every girl who rejected me when I needed a date to my Junior Prom. I don’t care if I’m going to end up in hell, because all of my friends are going to be with me. I want to break free from this stranglehold because my wallet cannot take being asked every week if I want to purchase Girl Scout Cookies. But it’s difficult to do so due to the guilt I may bring upon myself from bruising the confidence of a young woman, because I remember the pain of having my ego bruised by the throngs of women who rejected me before bids were due.

But I think I may have found a weapon to help break the chains of guilt and to block the pleas of Girl Scouts — the Limited Edition Mint Fudge Covered Oreos.

Just like German pornstars are comfortable with being covered in bodily fluids, Oreos are no stranger when it comes to being covered in fudge, having been coated with regular fudge and white fudge in the past. The mint fudge used with these Oreo cookies made them taste like Nabisco stole the recipe for Thin Mints, because they taste surprisingly similar. Although, the Mint Fudge Covered Oreo has less of a minty flavor than the Girl Scout Cookie. But nonetheless, these cookies are good enough that they make me want shove my hand in the face of a Girl Scout and say, “Not this year, tween she-devil! Not. This. Year.”

As good as these cookies are, I wish they tasted a little more like an Oreo. The mint flavor seems to have nullified the white vanilla filling. Also, I was disappointed the box contained only 12 cookies. Sure, the fudge causes the cookies to be a little thicker, but the amount of cookies makes me feel like I’m getting jacked.

Girl Scouts may make me feel guilty, but they don’t make me feel like I’m getting screwed.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cookie – 90 calories, 5 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 4% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition Mint Fudge Covered Oreo
Price: $2.79 (on sale)
Size: 7.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes very much like Thin Mints. Allows me to say “hell no” to Girl Scouts. It’s fudgerrific! Has one gram of monounsaturated fat. Staring into the eyes of a Girl Scout is like staring into the eyes of an angel. Breaks the chains of guilt.
Cons: It’s frickin’ limited edition. Couldn’t taste the white filling. Only 12 frickin’ cookies. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Bruising the egos of young women. Bruising the ego of a guy looking for a date to the prom.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with porn, when two guys are having intercourse with one woman at the same time, the genre (yes, there are genres) is called double penetration. But I don’t like that term, because it seems a bit too harsh and violent. I’d like to start a movement to get the genre name changed to the much friendlier “double stuf,” named after the regular Double Stuf Oreo and the new Golden Double Stuf Oreo.

Think of it as the equivalent of menstruation’s “Aunt Flo.”

With a more affectionate term, it would be a win-win for the porn industry and Nabisco. More people will buy or rent double stuf videos, like Double Backdoor Honeys, Duo Deckers and Two of a Behind, and hungry masturbators everywhere will crave Double Stuf cookies. Although, the use of the term “cream filling” in the double stuf video might not make the cookies too appetizing.

If double stuf becomes a part of the pornography vernacular, it won’t be long before Double Stuf the Magic Hungmen becomes a porn series.

While you dwell on my awesome cross-promotion skillz, let me tell you about the new Golden Double Stuf Oreos, which for some reason I thought already existed. After I opened the packaging using the easy pull tab, I swear I could smell the scent of marshmallows coming from it. By the way, someone should win a Nobel Peace Prize, or at least an AVN Award, for the easy-to-open resealable packaging.

I haven’t had Golden Oreos in a very long time, but I know in the past that I didn’t really care for them. However, I guess my taste buds have had a change of taste, or maybe it’s the high fructose corn syrup, because I really like its vanilla flavor. The lickable cream filling tastes the same as the stuff found in between the chocolate cookies of a regular Oreo and it enhances the flavor of the crunchy vanilla cookies.

While I really do enjoy the Golden Double Stuf Oreos, I still prefer the chocolate Oreos over them, which proves once again, “Once you go black, you’ll never go back” or “Once you go golden, you’ll keep your options open.”

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 10 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein and 2% iron.)

(NOTE: AVN stands for Adult Video News.)

Item: Golden Double Stuf Oreo
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 1 pound 1 ounce
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great vanilla flavor. Cream filling enhances the vanilla flavor. More cream filling than regular Oreos. My awesome cross-promotion skillz. The easy-to-open resealable packaging. The term “double stuf” to replace “double penetration.”
Cons: Not as good as regular Oreo cookies. Not as good as regular Oreos to dip in milk. High fructose corn syrup. 150 calories for ONLY two cookies. Ruining childhood stories with porn versions of them. The term “double penetration.”