REVIEW: Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake

I wanted to use the festive-looking Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake as my birthday cupcake replacement, but it probably wouldn’t have been suitable.

Because by the time someone lit the candle and everyone finished singing “Happy Birthday” to me in English and Japanese, while holding sparklers, the candle probably would have melted through the whipped cream and sprinkles and then extinguished itself in the ice cream.

Also, since I wouldn’t have blown out the candle, my wish for either world peace or the 2010 Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year to be “redonkidonkulous” wouldn’t come true.

By the way, “redonkidonkulous” is used to describe how ridiculous it is to use the word “redonkulous” all the time.

Like all fast food milkshakes, the Cup Cake Sundae Shake is high in saturated fat and sugar, which means, if you have children and want to lower their weight and your electricity bill, just get a hamster wheel that your child can fit in, connect it to something that can convert the motion of the wheel into electricity and let the dozens of grams of carbohydrates and sugar power your child as they provide energy for your home by making the hamster wheel move and a brisk, consistent pace.

The milkshake really did taste like a cupcake, thanks to the yellow cake-flavored ice cream. It looked and tasted like I was eating yellow cake batter, except without the possibility of getting salmonella or getting my tongue stuck in a hand mixer. It also almost tastes like egg nog ice cream. The milkshake was really good and brought back memories of those days when my classmates would call me “Cupcake Face,” not because I ate a lot of cupcakes, but because when I put a rain hat my head, it would look like an upside down cupcake, thanks to my chubby cheeks and lack of a hamster wheel for me to get some exercise.

The whipped cream and candy sprinkles didn’t add much flavor, but it did make it look prettier, like normal clothing does with Lady Gaga. The sprinkles did end up getting stuck on my molars, but since I didn’t brush my teeth right after consuming it, I got a little treat about 20 minutes later.

Overall, the Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake was a pleasant treat, and if it could hold a candle without melting the dessert, I would blow it out and wish for it to come back again.

(Nutrition Facts – 22 ounces – 680 calories, 25 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 330 milligrams of sodium, 115 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 103 grams of sugar and 10 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Thanks to TIB reader Nadia for suggesting the Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake.)

Item: Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake
Price: $2.89
Size: Small
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a cupcake. Also kind of reminds me of egg nog ice cream. Looks like yellow cake batter. Comes with a fat ass straw. Candy sprinkles made it look pretty. Hamster wheels for children to power your home. Lady Gaga with normal clothes.
Cons: Whipped cream and candy sprinkles didn’t add flavor. Not wise to eat with a value meal from Burger King, unless you love being overweight. Candy sprinkles got stuck in my molars. My head in a rain hat. Lady Gaga with whatever she usually wears. Excessive use of the word “redonkulous.”

REVIEW: Subway Buffalo Chicken

Let’s say you’re a slut or a manwhore (and if you are, congratulations on catching herpes).

Eventually, all the one night stands with those whose names you’ve forgotten become a blur, and you’re unable to tell the differences between who or what you slept with. Sometimes it’s a woman. Sometimes it’s a man. Sometimes it’s a woman and man. Sometimes it’s more men and women than you can count on your hands. Sometimes it’s just a hole in the wall. Sometimes it’s a gearshift. But you don’t remember. For you, there is no walk of shame.

I’m not a manwhore, but I imagine it’s somewhat like watching sitcoms on CBS, since I can’t tell them apart. This is also how I feel about the new Subway Buffalo Chicken sub sandwich.

The limited time only sandwich is made up of chicken glazed with a buffalo sauce, a light ranch dressing and whatever veggies you like to pile into your monster phallic sandwich. The buffalo sauce isn’t very spicy and doesn’t have a strong flavor, but it could be that the light ranch dressing is doing some flavor cockblocking.

Because of its light flavor and because I’ve wrapped my mouth around so many Subway $5 footlongs, the Buffalo Chicken doesn’t stand out and it’s kind of bland. It just becomes part of the blur of meat, honey oat bread, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, olives, and cucumbers. Sometimes it’s a turkey breast. Sometimes it’s a cold cut combo. Sometimes it’s oven roasted chicken. Sometimes it’s a veggie delight. But to this subwhore, at this point, they all taste the same.

But what about those who don’t suck down Subway footlongs on a regular basis?

If they’re looking for a low-fat meal, a six-inch Buffalo Chicken has just seven grams of fat. But those people better also love sodium and hypertension, because it contains over 1,300 milligrams of sodium. For some, that’s half a day’s worth of sodium. For a slug, it means DOOM.

The Subway Buffalo Chicken was unremarkable because when I think of Buffalo Chicken, I think of strong flavors, but this sandwich lacked it. To me, it’s just another nameless notch in my bedpost.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 inches – 370 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 1300 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 25 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 35% vitamin C, 6% calcium and 15% iron.)

Item: Subway Buffalo Chicken
Price: $6.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Seven grams of fat in a six-inch sub. Rad source of protein.
Cons: Unremarkable. Weak flavor. Lots of sodium. Not very spicy. Doesn’t have a strong flavor. Light ranch seems to be a flavor cockblocker.

REVIEW: Jamba Juice MediterraneYUM California Flatbread

Oooh, looks like someone in Jamba Juice’s marketing department is a wordsmith. Only a skilled user of words could come up with the name of Jamba Juice’s MediterraneYUM California Flatbread.

I wonder if he or she is an admirer of alliteration, like I am, or gets sexually aroused when reading a Dr. Seuss book, like I do.

Jamba Juice’s line of California Flatbreads is the company’s latest foray into solid, non-blended foods and comes in other flavors, like the lazily-named Four Cheesy and Smokehouse Chicken, and the ridiculously-named Tomo Artichoko (which for those of you who don’t know Japanese, or have never heard the Styx song “Mr. Roboto,” is a play on the Japanese phrase domo arigato, which means “thank you.”). They look like mini pizzas or HUGE Bagel Bites.

The MediterraneYUM California Flatbread is made up of a flaxseed crust topped with grilled zucchini, onions, bell peppers and mushrooms, along with feta and mozzarella cheeses. If you’re expecting these to be as big as a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza, you will be displeased.

As you can see in the photo above, it measures at around 4.5 inches in diameter. Its size makes it seem more like a snack than a meal, but its four dollar price tag makes it seem more like a meal than a snack. If you think of it as a snack, then think of it as a pizza cookie. But if you think of it as a meal, then think of it as like Chinese food, because you’ll probably get hungry soon after.

The California Flatbreads are heated up by sticking them in a quick oven that looks similar to the toasting ovens used by Subway. The time spent in the oven gives the flatbread slightly crispy edges, but everything else is soft and quite chewy. The flatbread itself also doesn’t provide any noticeable flavor. The vegetables were crunchy and they make the MediterraneYUM taste like a supreme pizza without the meat.

Its taste isn’t bad, but I really can’t get past its small size. I guess this is what it’s like to be an unsatisfied woman who just had sex with a man with a small penis.

Overall, the Jamba Juice MediterraneYUM California Flatbread is MediterLAMEan.


(Nutrition Facts – 1 flatbread -250 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 620 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 6% calcium, 30% vitamin C and 6% iron.)

Item: Jamba Juice MediterraneYUM California Flatbread
Price: $3.99
Size: 4.5 inches
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a supreme pizza without meat. Good for vegetarians. Crunchy vegetables. Uses flaxseeds. Reading Dr. Seuss. Mr. Roboto.
Cons: Tiny, smaller than a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza. Flatbread doesn’t provide any flavor. Pricey for what you get. Flatbread was a little too chewy. Unsatisfied women.

REVIEW: Panda Express SweetFire Chicken Breast

I sometimes wonder if Panda Express would exist if it didn’t have its Orange Chicken. Despite it being one of the unhealthiest items to come out of their gigantic woks, there’s something about the lightly battered chicken that radiates a hot coal-like orange glow that makes people yearn for it, like a baby yearns for a nipple. I’m not sure what draws taste buds to it, but perhaps it is its sweet sauce; or it lacks the nuisance of vegetable or fruit chunks; or because it’s the least Asian sounding dish.

If their Orange Chicken just happens to disappear from their menu or the serving tray is currently empty and you don’t want to wait a few minutes for the wok handlers to whip up another batch of the non-authentic Chinese dish, the new Thai-inspired Panda Express SweetFire Chicken Breast makes a great replacement.

The SweetFire Chicken Breast is made up of crispy, white meat chicken with red bell peppers, sliced onions, and pineapple chunks tossed with a sweet chili sauce. Panda Express says their new dish is “an exotic fusion of flavors.” But I say it’s “an obvious fusion of a few of their existing dishes.” The breaded white meat chicken is like their Orange Chicken, red bell peppers and onions are found in their Beijing Beef, and pineapple chunks are also in their Sweet Sour Pork.

It’s like they used the Taco Bell Technique, which involves taking their existing ingredients, placing them around an empty bottle, spinning the bottle to pick ingredients, selecting enough ingredients to have a regulation orgy, putting all of those ingredients in a room and letting nature take its course.

The Sweet Fire Chicken Breast’s sweet chili sauce is quite tasty, although I wish its flavor was a bit more punchy. The sauce has red pepper flakes in it, but don’t let them fool you because they don’t make the sauce very spicy. I felt a very light burn, but I wish it was a bit spicier. I also thought the sauce’s sweetness could be kicked up a little.

The chicken was tender and crispy. The onions and bell peppers gave the dish some crunch, along with a little flavor. As for the pineapples, I always find it odd when they’re added to a heated dish, like a “Hawaiian” Pizza or Panda Express’ Sweet Sour Pork, because I think it’s weird to eat hot fruit. But the pineapples in this dish helped make up for the sauce’s lack of sweetness.

If the Pandapocalypse happens and Orange Chicken is taken away, don’t fret my fake Chinese food loving friends, because the tasty Panda Express SweetFire Chicken Breast will satisfy your hunger for a sweet crispy chicken dish that’s just as unhealthy as Orange Chicken.

(Nutritional Facts – 5.8 ounces – 440 calories, 18 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 53 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 27 grams of sugar and 17 grams of protein.)

Item: Panda Express SweetFire Chicken Breast
Price: $6.50 (2 choice plate)
Size: 5.8 ounces
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty sweet chili sauce. Contains vegetables, which give the dish a crunch. Makes a nice replacement for Orange Chicken.
Cons: I wish the sweet chili sauce was a bit spicier. Pineapples seem weird in the dish. The Pandapocalypse. Just as unhealthy as Orange Chicken. An obvious fusion of a few of their existing dishes. The Taco Bell Technique for creating new dishes.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Big Carl

Carl’s Jr. and McDonald’s need to stop the bickering. Okay, mostly Carl’s Jr.

So what if McDonald’s came out with burgers that uses Angus beef and Carl’s Jr. came out with their version of the Big Mac, called the Big Carl. Can’t they just get along because I’d hate to see this turn violent? I believe we lost Biggie and Tupac this way.

I love McDonald’s french fries and I love Carl’s Jr. burgers, so if I lost them both, I would have less places to get huge doses of calories, saturated fat and sodium from. I don’t want to have to eat at Quiznos! Also, I don’t want them to be killed and release new stuff from the grave, because as Biggie, Tupac and Dave Thomas have proven with their posthumous stuff, it won’t be as good.

Much like the McDonald’s Big Mac, the Big Carl is made of two beef patties, a Thousand Island dressing-eque sauce, American cheese and lettuce in between a sesame seed bun. For those of you keeping score at home, the Carl’s Jr. burger does lack the Big Mac’s middle bun, along with pickles and onions. The Big Carl is also supposed to be cheaper than the Big Mac, except here on this island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, where it is one dollar more than a Big Mac and two dollars more than the advertised price of $2.49.

Size-wise, the Big Mac weighs in at 214 grams, while the Big Carl is significantly meatier at 315 grams. (Insert your favorite small penis/big penis joke here.) Flavor-wise, I do find the Carl’s Jr. burger to taste better because of the beef patties, which are of a higher quality than the Big Mac’s, and the Thousand Island dressing-ish sauce. But I wonder if my taste buds approve of the Big Carl because they’re bored with the Big Mac, which I’ve had so many times that I’m surprised I haven’t grown a third bun.

The Big Carl has almost twice the calories and saturated fat than the Big Mac, so it’s not something you should eat on a regular basis and I don’t think that will lure Big Mac enthusiast, Don Gorske, who has eaten over 20,000 Big Macs, to switch over to the Big Carl.

However, even though I just did so, I don’t know if one can truly compare the two burgers, since the Big Carl lacks pickles and onions, both of which helps give the Big Mac its unique taste.

While I believe it’s better tasting than a Big Mac, what I really like about the Carl’s Jr. Big Carl is the fact that it helps complete a rare kinky circle. A dude named Carl can go to Carl’s Jr., order a Big Carl and then perform a Hot Carl on someone.

Don’t know what a Hot Carl is? Look it up on Wikipedia or Urban Dictionary.


Don’t do that unless you want to upchuck the chuck you just ate at Chuck E. Cheese while listening to some Chuck Berry.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 920 calories, 59 grams of fat, 23 grams of saturated fat, 145 milligrams of cholesterol, 1370 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber and 45 grams of protein.)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Big Carl
Price: $4.59
Size: 315 grams
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Better tasting than the Big Mac. Tastier patties than the Big Mac. Heavier than the Big Mac. Being able to complete a kinky circle. Wikipedia. Inserting your own penis jokes into a vagina of text.
Cons: Lacks pickles and onions (and third bun). Has twice the calories and saturated fat than the Big Mac. Hot Carls. Pricey on this island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Posthumous stuff from Biggie, Tupac and Dave Thomas.