McDonald’s has been coming on pretty strong lately.

I swear, it seems like every week, they’ve got something new on the menu. Despite whatever reservations you have about spending your hard-earned cash on food that could make you die faster if consumed in excess, one must admit that McDonald’s has pulled out all the stops to keep you coming back for more, and it seems to be working. McDonald’s knows you want to leave them, but they refuse to let you go.

It’s like at any moment, they’ll show up in their vintage convertible outside your school, beat down your best friend in a fit of jealous rage, then prison-tattoo your name on their chest right above the words “4-EVA.” But don’t get me wrong, I approve of their efforts so far — most have been radical and delicious. It’s true that after a very long time of not setting foot inside a McDonald’s, I too have been lured back by the promise of novelty and exciting new flavor sensations. Among them is the Cheddar Onion McChicken.

Sorry, Cheddar, but after sampling this new item, I can confidently say that Onion deserves top-billing, for it’s clearly the star of the show. The Cheddar Onion McChicken is very similar to the other new chicken sandwich (Jalapeno Cheddar McChicken) since it’s constructed with white cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a (subtly) spicy chicken patty, but it’s an entirely different flavor experience. The combination of caramelized onions with the white cheddar slice creates a slightly creamy texture that, thankfully, isn’t slimy. The breaded chicken patty has a wonderful crunch that complements the smoothness of the cheese and onions. Now, I’m a fan of grilled onions, so the fact that the first bite of my sandwich was bursting with onion flavor was a good thing.

The only drawback is the bland white cheddar. They had already slapped that white cheddar on the Jalapeno Cheddar McChicken, and it didn’t add anything to the overall experience except gooeyness. On the Cheddar Onion McChicken, the cheese seems smoother, but it still doesn’t add much in the way of flavor.

At first, the idea of pairing a breaded chicken breast with onions and cheese didn’t seem all that exciting to me, but this sandwich was pretty bomb. McDonald’s has figured out how to keep you locked in their strong embrace even when you know they’re dangerous.

The franchise has made a bold (for them) move by trying out these jazzed-up yet affordable chicken sandwiches, and I think they did well with the Cheddar Onion McChicken. On the pleasure scale, it’s no sexy rollercoaster ride, but it’s better than finding your dog’s severed head. Maybe we have nothing to fear after all.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 370 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 1050 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Cheddar Onion McChicken sandwich
Price: $1.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Carmelized onions are the bomb. Mid-90’s teen thrillers starring Mark Wahlberg. Chicken patty is delightfully crispy on the outside. Sexy roller coaster rides. Costs a buck forty-nine.
Cons: Available in limited markets. Severed heads. As usual, white cheddar cheese doesn’t add much in the way of flavor. Prison tattoos immortalizing your L.O.V.E.

Since I live on a tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that’s known for its pineapples and mangoes (but mostly pineapples), you might be thinking I could make a better smoothie than McDonald’s new Mango Pineapple Real Fruit Smoothie.

However, while my magic smoothie making hands/magic massage hands/magic magic hands would probably, nay, most definitely make a better tasting smoothie made with fresh fruits, magic, and aloha, it wouldn’t be an overall better smoothie, which should be one that is not only tasty, but also reasonably priced and easy to make.

If I were to use my superb skills to make a mango pineapple smoothie, it would turn out to be one expensive smoothie. Because, while the volcanic soil on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean bear these two tropical fruits, they aren’t cheap fruits if you buy them from a store, farmer’s market, vendor on the side of the road, or on the black market.

Sure, I could steal the fruits by sticking them down my pants from anyone of the places I previously mentioned, but while the mangoes will make it look like I have huge cajones, the pineapples and their spiky skin make them the worst possible fruit to stick down my pants.

So instead of purchasing fruits that may taint poke me and are a pain to cut into pieces because of either a tough skin or a huge pit in the middle of it, I think I’d prefer to have McDonald’s prepare their Mango Pineapple Real Fruit Smoothie for me.

If you ever want to make a Jamba Juice employee jealous, tell them how easy it is for their McDonald’s counterpart to make a smoothie. While a Jamba jockey has to physically dump each ingredient into a blender’s container, all a McDonald’s worker needs to do is punch a couple of buttons on their blender and then watch it dump and blend all the ingredients. It’s like something you’d see on the Jetsons.

The McDonald’s Mango Pineapple Real Fruit Smoothie is made using fruit purees, low-fat yogurt, and ice. It has a consistency that’s almost perfectly in between thick and watery with tiny ice crystals floating throughout it. The smoothie smells like a ripe mango and its flavor is mostly mango with a little pineapple at the end, giving your taste buds a tasty tropical 1-2 punch. For fruits that come in the form of purees that are sucked through a tube and spit out into a blender, I was surprised by how much they tasted like the fresh versions of the fruit. I was also a little weirded out by how fresh the puree tasted.

Overall, I think the McDonald’s Mango Pineapple Real Fruit Smoothie is better tasting than the original Real Fruit Smoothie flavors — Wild Berry and Strawberry-Banana. Is it better tasting than what I could whip up? No, because when you put a blender in front of me, I make refreshment gold. But I think it’s cheaper and easier to make than whatever I could create. Plus, I don’t have to worry about pineapples poking holes in my crotch.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – 220 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 gram of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 49 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 45% vitamin A, 25% vitamin C, 8% calcium, and 2% iron.)

Item: McDonald’s Mango Pineapple Real Fruit Smoothie
Price: $2.49
Size: Regular
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Best tasting McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothie. Gives your taste buds a tasty tropical 1-2 punch. Nice consistency. My magic smoothie making hands/magic massage hands/magic magic hands.
Cons: Pineapples poking holes in my crotch. It’s a little weird the fruit puree tastes like fresh fruit. Prices of mangoes and pineapples. Cutting mangoes and pineapples. Stealing fruit.

McDonald’s didn’t put much effort into creating their “new” Chicken McNugget sauces, because they’re mostly the same dipping sauces from their Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips line. Since they’re not putting much effort into their sauces, I’m not going to put much effort into this review of their sauces.

How much work am I going to put into reviewing these sauces? Significantly less than what I put into playing this McNuggets dipping sauce memory game that McDonald’s is using to promote the sauces on their website.

By the way, my high score was 712 points.

For starters, to show how little effort I’m going to put into this review, I’m just going to list all the “new” flavors, but not take the time to put them in alphabetical order: Spicy Buffalo, Honey Mustard, Sweet Chili, and Creamy Ranch. Then, I’m just going to link to my Sweet Chili sauce review from last year and then not mention Sweet Chili anymore.

I’m also going to link to my my Chicken Selects review from 2004 which included my thoughts on the Spicy Buffalo sauce. Although, the sauce might’ve changed over the years, so I will say the “new” Spicy Buffalo sauce was tasty, spicy, and orange. It tasted like other buffalo sauces I’ve had, but it had a bit more kick than my beloved Hot Mustard Sauce and it was definitely my favorite of the four “new” flavors.

Geez, that was more effort than I wanted to exert for the Spicy Buffalo Sauce. I’ll do better with the last two sauces.

Honey Mustard tasted like a sweet weak dijon mustard and Creamy Ranch tasted like the salad dressing you’d find in the middle of a barely-touched vegetable platter at a barbeque.

How’s that for little effort?

Overall, McDonald’s “new” Chicken McNuggets Sauces range from decent to good, but none of them can compete with my beloved Hot Mustard Sauce. Besides that, it’s hard to get excited about sauces that we could’ve dipped our McNuggets into for years if we either asked nicely, paid 10 to 20 cents, or flirted with the right cashier for the McDonald’s Chicken Selects sauces.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available at McDonald’s website or I didn’t want to put any effort into finding out what they are.)

Item: McDonald’s “New” Chicken McNuggets Sauces (Creamy Ranch, Honey Mustard, Spicy Buffalo, and Sweet Chili)
Price: 2 Free With 10 Pc. McNuggets, 30 Cents For Each Extra
Size: 1 ounce
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Creamy Ranch)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Honey Mustard)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Spicy Buffalo)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Sweet Chili)
Pros: More sauces for you to choose from. Spicy Buffalo had good flavor and a decent kick. Hot Mustard Sauce. Flirting with McDonald’s employees to get Chicken Selects sauces.
Cons: McDonald’s didn’t put much effort into the “new” sauces. Sweet Chili sauce is still mediocre. Honey Mustard tasted like a sweet weak dijon mustard. McDonald’s calling these sauces “new.” Not putting much effort into this review.

The McDonald’s McFlurry is a rare treat for me. As a matter of fact, it’s such a rare treat that the last time I had one was when they were introduced almost 15 years ago.

You can blame the McDonald’s Dollar Menu and its Hot Fudge Sundae for my lack of McFlurry purchases over the years. I couldn’t see myself spending the money for a McFlurry because it costs almost as much as three Hot Fudge Sundaes. If I buy one McFlurry, all I can do is eat it. But with three Hot Fudge Sundaes I can eat one, give one to a lucky lady or chubby child, and then pour the third one on my body and then rub it all over like I was using it to block UVA and UVB radiation.

Unfortunately, during my last trip to McDonald’s, I had to forgo my usually pouring of a McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundae all over my body to cool down and spend my money on McDonald’s limited time only Rolo McFlurry.

A Rolo combines milk chocolate and caramel, which is my third favorite combination involving chocolate. My favorite combination unites chocolate and peanut butter and my second favorite involves melted chocolate poured over a woman’s skin.

When I received my Rolo McFlurry, I was disappointed with it because the amount of caramel it had was significantly less than what I saw in the images over at Foodbeast. Rolo is lame-o without caramel, and so is the Rolo McFlurry. So I ended up having to purchase another Rolo McFlurry from another McDonald’s to get one with a decent amount of caramel.

Geez, if I didn’t have to buy two Rolo McFlurries, I could’ve had six Hot Fudge Sundaes, four of which I could’ve poured all over my head while playing the home version of Nickelodeon’s Double Dare.

The combination of soft serve ice cream, milk chocolate pieces, and gooey caramel is a toothachingly good one. Those three ingredients also give the dessert a wide variety of textures. However, when the caramel runs out after eating half of the McFlurry, and I guarantee it will unless you’re really good at portioning, the Rolo McFlurry gets really boring and it makes me yearn for a much better tasting soft serve ice cream and chocolate combination — the McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundae.

To be honest, adding Rolo candy to a McFlurry seems like an odd choice. Rolo is probably a second or third tier candy in terms of popularity. Heck, more than a third of you probably didn’t know what a Rolo was before reading this review. There are several other candies that would’ve been better than a Rolo. It would’ve been nice if McDonald’s brought back the Reese’s McFlurry or, if caramel is important, a Twix McFlurry.

But again, the Rolo McFlurry is a toothsome dessert. That is, until the caramel runs out.

(Nutrition Facts – Snack size – 510 calories, 16 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 83 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 63 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Rolo McFlurry
Price: $2.69
Size: Regular size
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Excellent combination of soft serve ice cream, chocolate pieces, and caramel. Lots of chocolate pieces. Cooling down by pouring a hot fudge sundae all over my body. Playing the home version of Double Dare. McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundae.
Cons: Needs more caramel. Using Rolo seems like an odd choice. Wasting McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundaes when there are people in third world countries starving. When the caramel runs out, the soft serve ice cream and chocolate pieces aren’t enough to keep it interesting.