REVIEW: McDonald’s Jalapeños Cheddar McChicken Sandwich

McDonald's Jalapeño Cheddar McChicken

For me, the smell of sliced jalapeño peppers is inextricably linked to the spring of 1996. One evening, during the waning days of ninth grade, I had joined a small group of friends at the movie theater to catch a screening of Down Periscope. (Look, the first Mission: Impossible movie wasn’t out yet, so we were pretty hard up for national-security-related entertainment.) As magnificent as the on-screen pairing of Kelsey Grammar and Rob Schneider in a submarine promised to be, I certainly had not come for that cinematic gem. I’d shown up because it was my very first co-ed outing. There were BOYS there. Woooooo!

One boy in particular, a 15-year-old upon whom my friends and I fixated daily was in attendance, and he had a jones for some nachos that night. Being a popcorn-and-Junior-Mints girl, the concept of fast food in a movie theater was still a novelty to me, so when my crush brought his plate of nachos and cheese buried beneath a pile of jalapeños into the theater, the distinctive spicy aroma of the chopped peppers was all I could smell. It was intoxicating… He was sitting so close to me, and the fragrance of jalapeños mingled in the air with the scent of CK One and hormones.

So what does all that have to do with a chicken sandwich? Well, this particular sandwich is loaded with chopped jalapeños, and it was the magical portal through which my olfactory nerves whisked me back to that little Midwestern multiplex. At first whiff, I knew I was gonna enjoy this chicken sammich.

It’s a fact that McDonald’s isn’t exactly a place known for its spicy foods. It’s also a fact that in Southern California, it’s illegal to operate a dining establishment without jalapeños somewhere on the menu. I’m sure I read that somewhere. In general, McDonald’s is trying to break away from the norm and create truly unique flavor combos, and their Jalapeño Cheddar McChicken sandwich is the latest creation to make the regional rounds in California before (perhaps) breaking into other markets. I’m sure people in other states have the ability to appreciate jalapeños as much as we do… I mean, if jalapeños have been movie theater snacks for close to 20 years in the Great Plains then that should certainly be enough evidence. But here in Cali, we’re ride or die homies with our peppers 4 life, and McDonald’s knows we don’t play.

McDonald's Jalapeño Cheddar McChicken Wrapper

My first hint that McDonald’s is really serious about their new jam was the wrapper. Stamped there, in bold, red font is the name of the sandwich, and the accompanying sketch of a pair of jalapeños shows McDonald’s means business. Upon unwrapping it, I quickly discovered that this sandwich is just like a regular McChicken sandwich, except in place of mayonnaise they’ve added a generous portion of jalapeño sauce and a thick slice of white cheddar cheese. The jalapeño sauce contains actual chopped jalapeños, which provide a good amount of heat to each bite, and the melted white cheddar (while not exactly bold) is smooth and not waxy. When combined with the umami of the seasoned, crispy breaded chicken patty, the flavor profile is complex and delicious … Not at all how I would describe most sandwiches from fast food joints, let alone McDonald’s.

McDonald's Jalapeño Cheddar McChicken Pulling Off Its Top

As for the serious jalapeño commitment indicated by the wrapper, I’d characterize the jalapeño sauce’s level of spiciness as “lip spicy” more than anything. It didn’t exactly threaten to liquefy my insides (something for which I’m grateful, since my Teflon esophagus and cast-iron stomach are both on back-order through SkyMall), but it was sufficiently zesty. I think the jalapeños themselves were probably pickled, but I could barely taste the tartness beyond the kisser-searing wall of spice. The cheese was really the only downside. I’d say it was closer to American cheese than cheddar, and there was no flavor to speak of, despite the warm, melty texture. Just like that memorable night at the movies seated beside the JNCO-clad object of my adolescent affection, the cheese didn’t really amount to much. (I think he didn’t like any of us.)

It’s comforting to know that for about a buck fifty, I can revisit the past, and this time, Frasier, Deuce Bigalow, and a janky-ass submarine are nowhere in sight.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 360 calories, 140 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 1220 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.)

Other McDonald’s Jalapeño Cheddar McChicken reviews:
Brand Eating

Item: McDonald’s Jalapeño Cheddar McChicken Sandwich
Price: $1.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Lip spicy. The aroma of jalapeño slices. Sky Mall. Cartoon jalapeños show they mean business. Mission: Impossible. Seasoned, crispy, breaded chicken patty provides nice touch of umami. Movie-going in mixed company. Tasty and cheap. Ride or Die.
Cons: Not available everywhere in the US-of-A yet. The cheese was bland and didn’t really taste like cheddar. Kelsey Grammar and Rob Schneider. The amount of spice doesn’t represent real business. JNCOs.

REVIEW: Burger King California Whopper

Burger King California Whopper

The Burger King California Whopper is not a new product.

In the United States, it’s been available exclusively at BK Whopper Bars since 2009 (Warning: Automatic music playing website), and last year it was available throughout the fast food hungry countries of Norway, Sweden and Denmark.

I find it a bit strange that California didn’t get to experience the California Whopper before the Scandanavians did. I’m not one for conspiracies, but it’s as if the United States-based Burger King, wanted to knock Sweden and Denmark out of the Top 10 World’s Healthiest Countries so that the United States, which is the 11th healthiest country in the world, can sneak into the top ten.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

But, of course, a conspiracy to get the United States to move into the top 10 healthiest countries in the world can’t be true. Besides, the Burger King California Whopper is now available to all Americans, so just like a person who ate a large-sized Burger King Whopper value meal, the United States won’t be moving anywhere anytime soon.

To make a California Whopper, Burger King takes their regular Whopper; leaves out the ketchup, pickles, and onions; and replaces them with bacon, swiss cheese, and guacamole. The green Mexican dip made from avocados is the only ingredient that allows this burger to be called the California Whopper.

At first, I thought it’s called the California Whopper because guacamole is Mexican and there are a lot of Mexicans in California. But then I realized that might be a little racist. Thankfully, I found out California produces 95 percent of the country’s avocados and Fallbrook, California claims itself to be the “Avocado Capital of the World.” So the avocados in the guacamole is the reason why it’s called the California Whopper.

Burger King California Whopper Innards

As for the amount of guacamole in the California Whopper, there’s a lot of it. So much so that if Ghostbusters 3 ever comes to fruition, Burger King should do a movie tie-in using the California Whopper, but renaming it to the Ecto Whopper, because with the amount of guacamole it has, it looks like it’s been slimed. But despite it oozing guacamole everywhere, its flavor is subdued enough that, at times, it’s almost like I’m eating a regular Whopper.

Taco Bell makes a better tasting guacamole.

Shit. I never thought I’d type that sentence above EVER.

That’s how little I think of Burger King’s guacamole. When one makes a guacamole that’s worse than Taco Bell’s, they should be running towards the border and past it…so that they can learn how to make a better guacamole. Perhaps add some onion flavor. Or a little more salt. Or a little bit of spice.

I sound upset, because I am upset. I really wanted to love this burger, because I love guacamole. I wanted to get fat from this burger. I wanted my doctor to tell me I should stop eating them. I wanted it to be my only source of polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats, along with saturated and trans fats.

Not even the other ingredients in the burger help. The swiss cheese doesn’t add anything. And the bacon is typical fast food bacon that, despite being called “crispy” in every promo, is never crispy and hardly brings any flavor. I really wish fast food companies would tinker with their bacon instead of their french fries.

Look, I know I just used the last 265 words to rant about the Burger King California Whopper, but I sort of liked it whenever I could taste a little guacamole. Do I feel like it could’ve been better? Oh, hell yes! But I also realize my expectations for it (Whopper = YUM! Guacamole = YUM! Whopper + Guacamole = YUM! YUM!) were probably too high and that I shouldn’t expect Burger King to make a burger that moves me as much as the San Andreas Fault moves California.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 California Whopper – 820 calories, 500 calories from fat, 56 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1400 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.)

Other California Whopper reviews:
Tampa Bay Food Monster
Grub Grade
Fat Guy Food Blog

Item: Burger King California Whopper
Price: $5.99 (sandwich only)
Size: 1 sandwich
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: I kind of liked it, but it could’ve been so much better. Smooth guacamole. Lots of guacamole. Flame-broiled patties. Avocados are a great source for poly- and monounsaturated fats. U-S-A!
Cons: Guacamole needed more flavor. Bacon was useless. Cheese was useless. Pricey for just the sandwich. Not being able to watch Ghostbusters 3. There’s a guacamole worse than Taco Bell’s. Saturated and trans fats negating the poly- and monounsaturated fats.

REVIEW: McDonald’s McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade

McDonald's McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade

If I didn’t have a calendar, all I would have to do is see what McDonald’s is offering in order to figure out what time of the year it is. When they release their Holiday Pie, I know it’s fall. When the Shamrock Shake is available, I know spring is right around the corner. And, whenever the McRib is offered for a limited time, I know it’s that time of year when I eat a McRib and then think to myself, “Nope, it’s still horrible.”

But now, I have the McDonald’s McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade to let me know summer is near. Although, I think it’s a permanent addition to the McCafe menu, so I may think it’s summer all the time. But then again, I do live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean where it pretty much always has nice beach weather.

The McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade is made by pouring blended frozen lemonade into a cup with strawberry syrup. As the lemonade slush is poured into the cup, the strawberry syrup mixes with some it, creating a swirling pattern. After the two are put together in a cup, they aren’t completely mixed together to blend all the flavors. That mixing is up to you, the straw that’s included, and your wrists.

However, I think McDonald’s doesn’t want you to mix the two because it’s kind of hard to do so with the included straw and because that swirling pattern looks so pretty before the heavier strawberry syrup settles to the bottom of the cup. But, I’d recommend fusing the two flavors together because when the strawberry goop comes to rest at the cup’s bottom, a sweet strawberry shot is what you’ll be tasting with every suck from your straw, leaving you with less of the syrup to slightly neutralize the tartness of the lemonade slush.

If you owned a box of crayons as a child, you know red and white make pink, while red and yellow make orange. But get ready to have your primary colored world turned upside down because thoroughly combining the yellow lemonade slush with the red strawberry syrup turns the McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade pink. It’s what Hello Kitty would drink if she wanted brain freeze.

Looking past the weird color anomaly, the McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade is tasty and refreshing. The ice crystals have a satisfying crunch and create a fluffy slushie. The tart blended frozen lemonade is front and center and the strawberry syrup moderately turns down the tartness, but in the process the strawberry flavor is nearly non-existent. So, basically, McDonald’s should’ve called this slushy beverage the McDonald’s McCafe Frozen Lemonade That’ll Turn Pink If You Mix It.

But, as tasty and refreshing as it was, I had trouble finishing the entire 16-ounce cup. Because, at a point the lemonade got annoyingly tart and the drink as a whole got annoyingly sweet. Thank goodness for freezers because I can enjoy the leftovers later by throwing it at the faces of glee club members.

Overall, the McDonald’s McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade is a pleasant reminder that summer is near.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 270 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 68 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 67 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 310% vitamin C.)

Item: McDonald’s McCafe Frozen Strawberry Lemonade
Price: $2.59
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: A tasty and refreshing reminder that summer is near. Fat free. Awesome amount of vitamin C. Swirling pattern is pretty. Shamrock Shakes.
Cons: Not enough strawberry flavor. Becomes hard to finish since it gets to be annoyingly tart and sweet. You have to do the mixing. Breaks the laws of primary colors.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Turkey Burger

Carl's Jr. Charbroiled Turkey Burger

There used to be a Carl’s Jr. in my neighborhood that was the definition of foul. You know what I’m talking about – that fluorescent-bulb buzzing, greasy-smelling, un-swept trash on the floor, poorly-lit parking-lot-mugging sort of joint. Not being a big fast food eater, I didn’t have a reason to go there very often, but despite this, I ate there exactly twice. Both times, it was after midnight, I was starving after a cross-country plane trip where there had been no meals, and I had refused to pay the inflated airport price for sub-par food. (I’m looking at YOU, LAX McDonald’s!!!) The burgers I consumed from Carl’s Jr. were greasy, bloated and messy — pretty typical fare, and not the worst thing if you’re famished, but I always felt like I was doing a real disservice to my arteries, waistline, lymph nodes, etc.

That being said, I really wanted to like Carl’s Jr.’s recent foray into “healthy food.” I thought it would help me overcome my deeply-ingrained mistrust of this particular fast food chain and expand my list of low-fat fast food options. (A girl can only order a 6-inch turkey sub from not-so-skinny Jared so many times). So when the new TV ads hit, proclaiming that Carl’s Jr. had enlisted the renowned nutrition experts of “Eat This, Not That” and Men’s Health to develop a trio of leaner burgers for the menu (the Teriyaki Turkey Burger and the Guacamole Turkey Burger are the other two), I was down to try it, despite the fact that I lack the Y chromosome. I thought to myself, Hey, Self, if the “Eat This, Not That” folks can endorse this product, I figure I can help them out a little, maybe satisfy my burger jones while avoiding the unhealthier items on the menu. I figured that a burger under 500 calories would be okay to eat, even if it’s still about 200 more calories than what I would normally ingest in one sitting.

They weren’t lying when they said each burger was under 500 calories, but they just barely squeaked by with that count – the Charbroiled Turkey Burger, the plainest of the three has 490 calories. Really, Carl’s Jr.? You boast about making sandwiches under 500 calories when the caloric difference is two sticks of sugar-free gum. Yes, most of your burgers are in the 700-1100 calorie range, and this burger is much less than that, but that’s kind of like being the air traffic controller who snores the most quietly while on duty. I wouldn’t call slapping together a sandwich that barely meets the “healthy” criteria an awesome accomplishment. Even the turkey burger you doused in sugary teriyaki sauce has fewer calories than your regular one! Do you see how strange that is, Carl’s Jr.? And don’t get me started on the 1,000+ milligrams of sodium.

Carl's Jr. Charbroiled Turkey Burger Halves

Let’s start with the patty. It is ground turkey, and we all know that turkey is the most dignified of all poultry. It’s the only bird that gets its own holiday, and the only bird we dress up in jaunty Pilgrim hats and shiny black shoes with buckles. However, the Charbroiled Turkey Burger patty is supremely unseemly. It looks like something straight out of an elementary school cafeteria or a maximum security prison mess hall. Pale and stiff on the outside, chewy and flavorless on the inside. They probably serve this turkey burger in Hell. How could something so bland contain so much salt? The fixins are standard – I counted two pieces of lettuce, one tomato slice, and a couple teensy pickles. The pile of sliced red onion was a nice touch, but it didn’t make up for the overall lack of flavor. Lastly, there was a glob of mayonnaise on the bottom bun and a slathering of “special sauce” with chopped onion on the top. The special sauce was clearly mayo mixed with ketchup. NOT SPECIAL. Thankfully, the burger wasn’t too messy, but that was probably because the decently-toasted, whole-grain bun soaked up all the spread.

Carl’s Jr. and their partners were really trying to make something healthy here, and I commend them for their efforts. It’s just too bad that the end result tastes like a half-hearted attempt. I expected something meaty and tasty with fewer calories than their usual burgers, and I got school district leftovers. Carl’s Jr. understands that people want better choices for their quick-service meals, but I think they could’ve done a lot better with this burger, especially with the assistance they received from “Eat This, Not That.” They got so preoccupied with looking out for our expanding guts that they left our taste buds out in the cold.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Charbroiled Turkey Burger (268g) – 490 calories, 200 calories from fat, 23 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1010 milligrams of sodium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 29 grams of protein.)

Other Carl’s Jr. Turkey Burger reviews:
An Immovable Feast
Grub Grade

Item: Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Turkey Burger
Price: $3.61
Size: 1 turkey burger
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Burger Jones. Under 500 calories. Two X Chromosomes. Red onions. Eat This, Not That. Turkeys in doublets, breeches, and tall, black hats with buckles.
Cons: Bland, school-lunch-grade meat. Really, really close to 500 calories. Enough sodium to blast your blood pressure into the stratosphere. Buying fast food at the airport. Maximum security prison.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich

Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich

Indecisive people must HATE Jack in the Box.

If I was indecisive, I’d take one look at the vast menu board, feel completely helpless, and then weep. And if the cashier told me I could also choose something from the breakfast menu at two in the afternoon, I would fall to my knees, put my hands on top of my head while it shakes side to side, and then yell, “There’s so much to choose from, I don’t know what I want! Please help me!”

By the time I stopped yelling, Jack in the Box probably would’ve added something new to the menu since it expands faster than the waistlines of those of us who eat Jack in the Box food. Seriously, Jack in the Box is the Cheesecake Factory of fast food chains. Did you know they have funnel cake?

Anyhoo, Jack’s latest addition to the menu board that makes the indecisive pull their hair out is the Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich, which is made up of steak strips, grilled onions, cheese and Jack’s new Bourbon BBQ sauce in between two slices of grilled artisan bread.

Of course, my first thought when I heard about the Bourbon BBQ sauce was whether or not it contained alcohol. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t, but my extremely low tolerance for alcohol, plus my urge to take off pieces of clothing when alcohol is in my system would be an accurate way to find out.

After eating the entire sandwich, no article of clothing was removed, so it seems there’s no alcohol in the BBQ sauce. Although my taste buds could’ve told me that, since the BBQ sauce tasted like any run of the mill sauce. This was disappointing because I hoped it would taste more like licking a drunk than licking a designated driver.

As for the rest of the sandwich, the steak strips were surprisingly tender and there were a lot of them. The grilled onions were a nice touch and complimented the steak well. The cheese seemed to be there to only to act as a glue to make sure the steak strips and onions don’t fall out of the sandwich. The artisan bread wasn’t crispy, it was a little soggy with chewy edges. But at least it wasn’t as greasy as Jack’s other Grilled Sandwiches.

So if you’re an indecisive person staring at the Jack in the Box menu board, I want to let you know that the Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich was a good sandwich, but I expected more from the featured ingredient, the Bourbon BBQ sauce.

You know what? After rereading that last sentence, I realized it probably won’t help you come to a decision. I’m sorry. You should start weeping now.

(Nutrition Facts – 595 calories, 206 calories from fat, 23 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 2022 milligrams of sodium, 495 milligrams of potassium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 33 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich
Price: $6.49 (small combo)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, but could’ve been better. Steak strips were tender. Cheese keeps steak strips from falling out. Grilled onion complimented the steak. Bread wasn’t greasy.
Cons: Bourbon BBQ sauce was disappointing. Artisan bread wasn’t crispy. Cheese brings nothing to the table, flavor-wise. An indecisive person staring at a Jack in the Box menu board. The nudity that follows when alcohol is in my system.