Tag: General Mills

REVIEW: Fruity Cheerios

Marvo 29 Comments

Cheerios are enjoyed by so many people and I think the reason why Cheerios are beloved is because there are so many varieties. Just like 24-hour news networks, reality shows, and crazy publicly drunk celebrities to hate, there’s a type of Cheerios for everyone.

The varieties include, Honey Nut Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Multi-Grain Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Berry Burst Cheerios, and Yogurt Burst Cheerios.

Because of all these varieties, Cheerios are adored by children, parents, firefighters, police officers, clowns, stoners, account executives, pimps, college students, financial planners, dog trainers, Oprah audience members, Buddhists, professional lacrosse players, telemarketers, the people who rip your ticket when you enter the movie theater, World of Warcraft players, Bittorrent seeders, fluffers, flight attendants, Hookah bar patrons, bums, street performers, towel boys, and shopping cart retrievers.

The love of Cheerios spreads out to Disneyland employees who wear costumes, backseat drivers, sanitation workers, volunteer art class nude models, NASCAR pit crew window cleaners, daytime strippers, spa treatment hair removal waxers, mechanical engineers, indie band drummers, MAC Cosmetics salespeople, Dungeon Masters, coupon clippers, starving people, Felix the Cat, AOL members, porta-pottie cleaners, big rig drivers, Olympic synchronized swimmer alternates, old folks who greet you at the Wal-Mart entrance, internet porn downloaders, 40-something year old pizza delivery guys, quasi-product review blog editors, crossword puzzle creators, dysfunctional former child stars, Colombian drug traffickers, astronauts, reality show contestant losers, loan defaulters, hip-hop artist entourage members, National Spelling Bee incorrect spellers, old school Reebok Pump wearers, and professional nose hair trimmers.

Despite the numerous groups of people who like Cheerios, there has been a small minority group that has been ignored by Cheerios…zombies. That’s right, the living dead hasn’t liked any of the previous incarnations of Cheerios, but thanks to the new Fruity Cheerios it appears there’s a Cheerios out there that appeals to zombies.

No wonder zombies went around killing people and eating their brains and raw flesh. They didn’t have a Cheerios to call their own.

If you don’t believe that zombies like Fruity Cheerios, check out the back of the Fruity Cheerios box, zombie hater. On the back of the box is one happy zombie, with its yellow skin and white pupils. Believe me, I’ve played enough Resident Evil to know what zombies look like, and that my friends is a zombie on the back of the box.

Who knew that Fruity Cheerios would have the power to turn a bloodthirsty zombie into a happy, smiling zombie? But then again, after trying Fruity Cheerios, I can kind of understand why zombies are happy. It’s not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops, but Fruity Cheerios is pretty good, thanks to the fact that it’s flavored with real fruit juice.

The colors of Fruity Cheerios were pleasant and bright, and powerful enough to turn the cold, empty heart of a zombie into a heart filled with love, compassion, and twelve essential vitamins and minerals.

I hope they don’t get rid of Fruity Cheerios, because I’m not going to be the one to explain it to the zombies.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Tony, Meredith, and all the people who suggested I try Fruity Cheerios. Now I’m going to go kill some zombies with fire so they don’t eat all the Fruity Cheerios.)

Item: Fruity Cheerios
Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Loved by zombies, which prevents them from eating human flesh. Good fruity taste. Nice color. Flavored with real fruit juice. Less sugar than leading fruity cereal. 12 essential vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops. Pissing off zombies if Fruity Cheerios are discontinued.

Winter Lucky Charms

Marvo 42 Comments

Green clovers? Blue moons? Purple horseshoes? Red balloons? Brown mushrooms?

I don’t know what Lucky the Leprechaun has been smoking, but I do know that I don’t want any of it.

Now that I think about it, maybe the kids chasing him aren’t after his Lucky Charms, they’re after his stash of whatever he’s been smoking. Or maybe the kids chasing Lucky the Leprechaun are just drug-induced hallucinations.

Anyway, the reason why I question Lucky the Leprechaun’s “extra-curricular” activities is because of the marshmallows in Winter Lucky Charms.

With regular Lucky Charms there are red balloons, blue moons, purple horseshoes, rainbows, pink hearts, etc, and they all look like what they’re supposed to represent.

However, with the marshmallows in Winter Lucky Charms, they look like Lucky the Leprechaun was either on an acid trip, in a dervish mood, or had something else on his mind, like a hot date, wondering whether his pot of gold was safe, or he needed to take a massive dump, but hates to use public restrooms.

Whatever it was, the marshmallows in Winter Lucky Charms don’t look so winter-ish. But they do look like other things (see chart below as reference – click pic for larger view).

The “pine tree” marshmallows don’t even come close to looking like an actual pine tree. Car fresheners shaped like pine trees come much closer than these. However, if you turn the “pine tree” marshmallow on its side, it totally looks like a glob of minty fresh toothpaste.

The “stocking” marshmallow is probably the worst of them all. First off, maybe I didn’t get the memo on this, but when did yellow become a “holiday” color. Also, I don’t know of anyone who has yellow stockings, except Big Bird. However, his entire wardrobe is yellow. To me, the yellow “stocking” looks more like an upside down rubber duckie.

The “candy cane” marshmallow maybe shaped like a candy cane, but it looks likes the red lines were painted by some psycho serial killer with nervous system problems, who likes to paint with the blood of their victims. Personally, I think the “candy cane” marshmallow looks like uncooked bacon.

As for the “snowman” marshmallow, where’s the corncob pipe, button nose, two eyes made out of coal, and tighty whitey underwear? Whitney Houston and I both believe that the “snowman” marshmallows look like pieces of crack cocaine, and Whitney would like to know how much they are?

The “ornament” marshmallows don’t really look like anything, but the closest thing I think they look like are bloody cotton swabs that someone might’ve gotten from sticking them a little to far into an orifice.

If the “wreath” marshmallow had a hole in the center of it, it might’ve looked like a wreath, but instead it looks like Oscar the Grouch’s girlfriend, Grungetta Grunge.

Finally, the “present” marshmallow doesn’t really come close to looking like a present. However, it does come really close to looking like a Gay Pikachu.

Despite the marshmallows not looking like what they’re supposed to, Winter Lucky Charms tastes just like regular Lucky Charms. However, I think there should’ve been a Scrooge-shaped marshmallow in the box, because the 11.75-ounce box of Winter Lucky Charms is smaller than the smallest regular Lucky Charms box, which is 14-ounces.

So not only is Lucky the Leprechaun a dope head, he’s also a cheap bastard.

(Editor’s Note: Bah! Lord Jezo has beaten me again. Go read his review of Winter Lucky Charms here.

Item: Winter Lucky Charms
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Marshmallows. Tastes just like regular Lucky Charms. Marshmallows.
Cons: Slightly smaller box than regular Lucky Charms. Marshmallow don’t look like what they’re supposed to. A high Lucky the Leprechaun. A high Whitney Houston.

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp

Marvo 28 Comments

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp

I’m a very skeptical person.

I think I’ve been very skeptical ever since one of my third grade classmates told me that putting on four pairs of Underoos would protect me from a kick to the balls. Of course, I later learned that this was not true and putting on four pairs of Underoos made me look like I was wearing a diaper.

Recently, Impulsive Buy readers Kaitlin and Joseph each emailed me to tell me about the new cereal, Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. I was exciting about to learn about it, because Cookie Crisp is one of my favorite cereals. However, my skepticism kicked in and I couldn’t totally believe that it existed.

Kaitlin even directed to the General Mills website that had information and a picture of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. However, in my eyes, the website was like the famous Surgeon’s photo of the Loch Ness Monster or the grainy video footage of Bigfoot. It was something that could be easily explained.

The Loch Ness Monster photo is actually a photo of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee floating nude on his back in a lake and the Bigfoot footage is just a video someone took of Robin Willams going on a hike.

As for the Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp, I thought it was something someone created in Adobe Photoshop. I think someone with mad Photoshop skills created the box and a hacker posted it on the General Mills website.

How easy is it to create a fake box? Well, I have crappy Photoshop skills and I created a box of Marvios (see picture below)

For me to believe Kaitlin and Joseph, I needed tangible proof, and I got it while walking through the cereal aisle at the national grocery store chain I usually shop at.

Marvios

When I first saw the box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp on the shelf, I did the things that most people do when they don’t believe what their seeing. For those of you who have seen mirages, boobs bigger than human heads, people with three nipples, or have seen how buff Carrot Top is, you know what I’m talking about.

First, I made bug eyes, which is when you open your eyelids as wide as you can. Then I rubbed my eyes to make sure my they were clean and looked again. Then I squinted at the box to make sure I was seeing it correctly.

Well it turned out that Kaitlin and Joseph were right and I was wrong. Just like I was wrong about my prediction that the members of *NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and 98 Degrees would form a pop supergroup called White Bread, modeling it after rock supergroups Velvet Revolver and Audioslave.

I picked up a box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp and when I got home I tried a bowl of it. After the first spoonful, I thought that it was pretty good. It was definitely better tasting than the Peanut Butter Toast Crunch cereal the Impulsive Buy reviewed last year.

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp had a poor authentic peanut butter flavor, but it did have a great fake peanut butter flavor. After trying it, I would have to say that it is probably the best fake peanut butter flavored cereal I’ve ever had.

The cereal stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. In my mouth, the cereal was crunchy at first, but after that it seemed like it melted in my mouth, which made me think either General Mills intended the cereal to do that or my saliva is like molten lava.

Item: Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great fake peanut butter flavor. Made with whole grain. Vitamins and minerals. Stays crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. No pop supergroup called White Bread.
Cons: Poor authentic peanut butter flavor. Hard puzzles on the back of the box. My skepticism. My crappy Photoshop skills.

REVIEW: Chocolate Lucky Charms

Marvo 14 Comments

Chocolate Lucky Charms

Over the years, I’ve probably eaten my body weight in Lucky Charms. Also, I’m probably at my current body weight because of Lucky Charms.

Nevertheless, it’s probably one of my favorite cereals of all time, not only because of its marshmallow goodness, but also because I believe there’s a slim chance that Lucky Charms will someday bring me good luck.

With all the Lucky Charms I’ve eaten, I’m expecting enough luck to last me for the rest of my life. Oh how great it would be to have that much luck.

I imagine a life where I would find twenty dollar bills on the ground every day, hit a jackpot on each slot machine lever I pull, marry a supermodel/doctor, and sleep on the finest leopard-print Chinese silk sheets around.

Now I have to admit, I wanted that luck to come to me soon, because I didn’t know how long I could keep eating Lucky Charms. When you’ve eaten your body weight’s worth of it, you tend to get tired of them, including all the green clovers, purple horseshoes, blue moons, rainbows, and whatever other marshmallows they have.

However, this boredom with Lucky Charms stopped, while shopping at the national grocery store chain I usually shop at. There I saw the most titillating thing I’ve ever seen. It was so heavenly that you should’ve seen my eyes light up, like a teenage boy flipping through an issue of Playboy that he stole from his father’s “secret” stash, when my eyes gazed upon the boxes of Chocolate Lucky Charms on the shelf.

I picked up the box and stared at it, like I had found the Holy Grail of Cereals. Then I turned the box over and read in big, bold letters, “The Secret is Out!”

Then I thought, “Secret? Out? Holy crap! Lucky the Leprechaun is GAY!”

Chocolate Lucky Charms

Well I read the rest of it and it turns out that he’s not, but my gaydar says he is. Come on, rainbow marshmallows?

So what’s Chocolate Lucky Charms?

Imagine combining the marshmallows from Lucky Charms with the cereal part from Count Chocula. That delicious combination gives us Chocolate Lucky Charms, or what I’m now calling, “Heaven in a Bowl.”

It’s so good, I can’t contain myself.

Oh my goodness, the marshmallows!

Oh my goodness, the chocolatey milk!

Oh my goodness, why didn’t they come up with it sooner?

Oh my goodness, I ate a whole frickin’ box in two days!

Oh, those geniuses at General Mills. I would kiss them all on the lips, if they were all in my room, if I weren’t munching on a mouthful of Chocolate Lucky Charms, and if they were all women.

But for that to happen, I’d have to be lucky.

Item: Chocolate Lucky Charms
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: DAMN good. Made with whole grain. Chocolatey milk. Marshmallows.
Cons: No luck, despite the pounds of Lucky Charms I’ve eaten. Why didn’t they come up with this idea sooner? Lucky the Leprechaun is still in the closet.

REVIEW: Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal

Marvo 12 Comments

peanutbuttertoast

This review WAS going to start off about how I love peanut butter and how I go through a bottle every three weeks.

Then I WAS going to say something about how you may think I like peanut butter because it’s something I enjoy licking off of a woman.

Then I WAS going to say that I don’t like to lick peanut butter off of a woman’s body, because I’ve tried it and the smell of the peanut butter sort of turns me off.

Then I WAS going to say that the only things I’m willing to lick off of a woman’s body are canned whipped cream, pudding, Cool Whip, chocolate syrup, and ice cream.

Finally, I WAS going to say how I’m definitely not willing to lick peanut butter or canned cheese off of any woman’s body, even if it’s Winona Ryder’s.

I WAS going to say all of that, but then I realized that several reviews over the past month have been very sexual in nature. Hmm…Let’s see, there was the cookie porn in the Chips Ahoy Cremewiches review, the phallic nature of the Tootsie Pop Spy Stix review, the viewing of hot corn in the review for Firefox 1.0, and the licking of pudding off of woman’s body in the Jello Oreo Instant Pudding review.

Since I don’t want to seem like a perverted product reviewer, today’s review will be Rated G. It will be a nice and wholesome review. A review that the whole family can read and enjoy…except the beginning part about licking peanut butter off of a woman’s body.

So here it goes.

Today’s review subject is Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal from fine people at General Mills. Yes, it’s the same wonderful folks who brought us the popular and delicious Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal.

I’m surprised by how long it took for them to come up with this inspired idea. Peanut butter toast is something I have long enjoyed. As a matter of fact, I’m consuming some scrumptious peanut butter toast right now as I type this fascinating review.

Despite my affections for the quite delectable peanut butter toast, I do not feel the same about peanut butter-flavored cold breakfast cereals, like Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch. These cereals don’t have an authentic peanut butter flavor, which disappoints me quite dearly. I was hoping that the new Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal could overcome this obstacle, which had plagued its predecessors.

Unfortunately, the Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal could not meet the difficult challenge of appeasing my delicate palate. Its meager attempt at authentic peanut butter flavor fell quite short and has disenchanted me further from peanut butter-flavored cereals.

If there was one thing that I found quite impressive with this cereal it would be the fact that it stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. But we don’t buy cereal for its ability to stay crunchy, we buy cereal for its flavor and this cereal, my loyal readers, has greatly disappointed me.

Peanut butter is still magnificent for spreading on toast, but not so splendid for breakfast cereals…and licking off of a woman’s body.

Item: Peanut Butter Toast Crunch Cereal
Purchase Price: $3.09 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Stays crunchy in milk for a respectable amount of time.
Cons: Doesn’t really have an authentic peanut butter flavor. PB not good for licking off of a woman’s body.