Winter Lucky Charms

Green clovers? Blue moons? Purple horseshoes? Red balloons? Brown mushrooms?

I don’t know what Lucky the Leprechaun has been smoking, but I do know that I don’t want any of it.

Now that I think about it, maybe the kids chasing him aren’t after his Lucky Charms, they’re after his stash of whatever he’s been smoking. Or maybe the kids chasing Lucky the Leprechaun are just drug-induced hallucinations.

Anyway, the reason why I question Lucky the Leprechaun’s “extra-curricular” activities is because of the marshmallows in Winter Lucky Charms.

With regular Lucky Charms there are red balloons, blue moons, purple horseshoes, rainbows, pink hearts, etc, and they all look like what they’re supposed to represent.

However, with the marshmallows in Winter Lucky Charms, they look like Lucky the Leprechaun was either on an acid trip, in a dervish mood, or had something else on his mind, like a hot date, wondering whether his pot of gold was safe, or he needed to take a massive dump, but hates to use public restrooms.

Whatever it was, the marshmallows in Winter Lucky Charms don’t look so winter-ish. But they do look like other things (see chart below as reference – click pic for larger view).

The “pine tree” marshmallows don’t even come close to looking like an actual pine tree. Car fresheners shaped like pine trees come much closer than these. However, if you turn the “pine tree” marshmallow on its side, it totally looks like a glob of minty fresh toothpaste.

The “stocking” marshmallow is probably the worst of them all. First off, maybe I didn’t get the memo on this, but when did yellow become a “holiday” color. Also, I don’t know of anyone who has yellow stockings, except Big Bird. However, his entire wardrobe is yellow. To me, the yellow “stocking” looks more like an upside down rubber duckie.

The “candy cane” marshmallow maybe shaped like a candy cane, but it looks likes the red lines were painted by some psycho serial killer with nervous system problems, who likes to paint with the blood of their victims. Personally, I think the “candy cane” marshmallow looks like uncooked bacon.

As for the “snowman” marshmallow, where’s the corncob pipe, button nose, two eyes made out of coal, and tighty whitey underwear? Whitney Houston and I both believe that the “snowman” marshmallows look like pieces of crack cocaine, and Whitney would like to know how much they are?

The “ornament” marshmallows don’t really look like anything, but the closest thing I think they look like are bloody cotton swabs that someone might’ve gotten from sticking them a little to far into an orifice.

If the “wreath” marshmallow had a hole in the center of it, it might’ve looked like a wreath, but instead it looks like Oscar the Grouch’s girlfriend, Grungetta Grunge.

Finally, the “present” marshmallow doesn’t really come close to looking like a present. However, it does come really close to looking like a Gay Pikachu.

Despite the marshmallows not looking like what they’re supposed to, Winter Lucky Charms tastes just like regular Lucky Charms. However, I think there should’ve been a Scrooge-shaped marshmallow in the box, because the 11.75-ounce box of Winter Lucky Charms is smaller than the smallest regular Lucky Charms box, which is 14-ounces.

So not only is Lucky the Leprechaun a dope head, he’s also a cheap bastard.

(Editor’s Note: Bah! Lord Jezo has beaten me again. Go read his review of Winter Lucky Charms here.

Item: Winter Lucky Charms
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Marshmallows. Tastes just like regular Lucky Charms. Marshmallows.
Cons: Slightly smaller box than regular Lucky Charms. Marshmallow don’t look like what they’re supposed to. A high Lucky the Leprechaun. A high Whitney Houston.

42 thoughts to “Winter Lucky Charms”

  1. I always thought that ANY Lucky Charms™ were too traumatic to look at, let alone eat. Acid? More like mushrooms (just ask Alice. She should know…)

  2. Haha, the ornament does look like a bloody cotton swab! Not too apetizing for a cereal. I guess maybe you should eat it with your eyes closed and the lights turned off.

  3. Inspired review! The marshmellow chart is beautiful, how long did that take?

    Gay Pikachu is even better than regular Pikachu…please tell me he’s an actual Pokemon…

  4. Where did you get the bloody cotton swab photo? What lengths will you go to for a blog post?

    (I’ve never cared for Lucky Charms and as everyone knows, there are few sweet treats that I don’t like.)

  5. I’m not familiar with Grungetta Grunge. She must have been after my Sesame Street days. The wreath could also be mistaken for the Grinch’s date to the holiday office party though.

  6. like Kimi, i wasn’t familiar with Grungetta, so i followed the wikipedia link. for those of you who didn’t, here’s a snippet: “She primarily acts as a semi-serious romantic interest for Oscar the Grouch.” i mean…a SEMI-SERIOUS ROMANTIC INTEREST? for a muppet? on a kid’s show??? that’s even more absurd than the ridiculous marshmallow bits in the Winter Lucky Charms.

  7. What’s more disturbing than the marshmallows (in the regular Lucky Charms, at least, I don’t know about the winter version) are the shapes of the oaty bits. I had a friend who was convinced they were satanic symbols. The only one I could really make anything of looked like a Christian fish, but then you could just say that it’s a ploy of the radical right to indoctrinate youngsters through sugary cereal. So not so far off from Satan, one could argue.

  8. I am so impressed by the marshmallow chart. I feel quite humbled by the amount of effort and time you put into making it. Really, this is quite a serious and focused review. I am also quite impressed that you know who Grungetta Grunge is. I have three small children, and I don’t know.

    Any kind of cereal with marshmallows in it gives me the heebie jeebies. There’s something strange and sinister about the texture of marshmallows. My kids will ask for cereal with marshmallows — I usually only buy the cheap kind in bags — then pick out all the marshmallows.

    Like marshmallows, Whitney Houston also gives me the heebies jeebies.

  9. I can so see you lining up your marshmallows on your counter and pondering deeply on what else it looks like =) The ornament is the most off of them all, I think, and probably looked even more like a bloody swab when soaked?

  10. “I always try to leave some of the marshmallows at the end. But I only end up with the flakey things and pink milk. My mind wanders.”

    From Garden State…

    I wonder if the knight was eating holiday Charms?

  11. The whole post is pure genius (in a slightly alarming, but purely hysterical way.)
    I decided I am sending out Winter Lucky Charms (complete with the explanatory chart) to all those on my Christmas list. Lucky, lucky bastards they have no idea what a treat they are in for!

  12. Of course it’s a slightly smaller box, you’re paying for PREMIUM marshmallows!!!

    LOVE the comparison chart! Classic post, marvo.

  13. That chart is freakin’ hilarious, Marvo. Very professionally done, also. If I never need help creating a visual presentation, I’m giving you a call! Do you work cheap?

  14. MrCorey – Or maybe heroin. I’ll ask Courtney Love.

    Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – Well when I eat I don’t usually look at my food because I’m too busy watching TV, reading a magazine, or reading blogs. This would also explain why I keep missing my mouth when I eat. 😉

    Adrian – The marshmallow chart took me longer than it should’ve, because I lack Photoshop skillz. Also, sure there is a gay Pikachu, but I really hope there isn’t a porn star Squirtle.

    cybele – If you look real close at the picture, you will see my crappy Photoshop skillz. As for what lengths I will go to for a blog post, I’ve deep throated a banana and showed a video of me stripping, so I’m not sure what I won’t do. If I do these things for my blog, imagine
    what I’d do for a Klondike Bar.

    Kimi – I knew Oscar had to have a love interest, because
    even smelly homeless people get it on sometimes.

    kiki – Romantic interest? Muppets? It’s been going
    on for a long time. Three words for you. Ernie and Bert.

    Mandy – I also thought they were satanic symbols, but when I did my weekly sacrifice of pig intestines to Lucifer, he said it was just coincidence.

    Amber LB – My head is full of totally useless knowledge, but
    I still suck at Trivial Pursuit.

  15. Gwen – Lining up the marshmallow on the counter would be a waste of marshmallow because of the 10 second rule. Fortunately, there were pictures of them of the side of the box.

    dramastically – That’s for me to know and you to hopefully not investigate.

    Taikog – But is it awesome with a capital A?

    Hismikeness – Man, I haven’t seen Garden State yet. I have listened to the soundtrack, though.

    Ginger – Slightly alarming? It was the gay Pikachu wasn’t it? Well, I think the real Pikachu is bi-sexual.

    nat – Damn premium marshmallows! Wait, how can marshmallows be considered premium? A bag costs a dollar. So a bag of premium marshmallows would be $1.25? Thanks for the compliment!

    Chuck – I will work for review products, or cheese, since you probably have access to a lot of it.

    Jay Nickola – You’re right! It does look like a sumo wrestler’s butt, with poor circulation.

  16. Marvo.
    I love you.

    You are awesome.

    that chart totally made my day. (my day was not exciting.)

    Too bad I don’t do marshmallow. *shrug*

  17. How big could a massive dump from a leprechaun be? As for the bloody cotton swab, I’m guessing make-up, as the blood from an orifice should circle around the swab head, unless it’s a small, localized puncture wound. And I’m also full of useless trivia knowledge: the red bands in candy canes is from beets. That means your sugary candy has some vegetable in it!

  18. I love my Lucky Charms. But even I don’t think I could eat the bacon marshmallows. That’s nasty. I’m a fan of the bacon bandaids though, those rock.

  19. I LOVE THE TABLE OF LUCKY CHARM MARSHMALLOWS!! This makes the list for best review ever. Good job.

    Oh, and I guess we know that Lucky is a jew now. 🙂

  20. What, no Santa marshmallow? Or even a Reindeer? Or a dreidel marshmallow for the Jewish cereal lovers? They should have put more thought into this.

  21. Brilliant review. The bacon is dead on.

    I can’t eat Lucky Charms because the marshmallows make my teeth squeek. And squeeky teeth give me the willies.

  22. Man, that chart looks like it took you a long time to do… awesome though. My favorite is the bacon Lucky Charm… but anything goes better with Bacon in it. I can’t remember, did they have bacon flavor in that box of Bertie Botts that you sent me?

    Speaking of marshmallows though, have you seen Cybele’s review on so-called “artisan marshmallows”? Crazy…

  23. KT – I love you, too…In a quasi-product review blog editor and quasi-product review blog reader kind of way.

    klew – How can leprechauns carry around a pot of gold? They’re magical creatures capable of carrying around heavy pots of gold and taking massive dumps.

    kate – Bacon bandaids? Isn’t that how diseases are spread?

    Muneer – I don’t think the yellow stars have six points.

    rfduck – And what about Kwanzaa marshmallows.

    feisty girl – I don’t know about charts in every review. Charts in PowerPoint…Good. Charts in product review…Not so good.

    Perkins – At least you teeth don’t fart when eating marshmallows.

    Bryan – I don’t think there was a bacon flavored Bertie Bott’s bean, but there was grass and dirt. Blech! As for Cybele’s marshmallow review, I did read it, and I have to say, those are some damn good looking marshmallows.

  24. Dude Marvo,

    I had to wait until today to read your whole post. I tried reading it yesterday while administering one of my questionnaires to a student, and I had to control myself from snickering out loud, which wasn’t easy. The Grungetta Grunge remark almost did me in. Since I didn’t want to distract him, I had to leave and wait until later.

  25. (Damn, I thought I commented on this already. Now I’m comment number 2 billion.)

    Gay Pikachu. AHHHHHHHHHHH.

    This post is too awesome. And that wreath is too wrong.

  26. That made me laugh. A lot. Like a good five minutes worth. pheeeew I’ve missed this place! (yay for the semester almost being finished!)

    Great job as always.

  27. Toni – You should’ve done the snickering while looking over his shoulder.

    Robyn – Still, not as cool as porn star Squirtle.

    Mir – Why thank you. I’m feeling dervish right now. Oh wait, I mean devilish. Or dirrty.

    Lorien – Thanks! We missed you, but not as much as we miss the TV show Ed.

  28. Re: porn star Squirtle


    Don’t do anything to Jigglypuff! (Man…I just realized what a stupid name that is.)

  29. LOL Best review ever!!!!! Gay pikachu!!! And the Snowman looks like a piece of anatomy…

    I don’t even want to know where you got that bloody cotton swab pic…

  30. Lloyd – Thanks for the linky-loo. Okay “linky-loo” was lame. Sorry.

    James – Dang! Bacon bandaids! It would be sooo cool if they smelled like bacon. Oh wait, maybe not. I’d probably eat them.

  31. why the hell are they called winter lucky charms when its all christmas shapes shouldn’t it be Holiday lucky charms the people at general mills have been smoking too much crack i think because i don’t feel that leprechauns celebrate the birth of christ.

  32. Nicki – I think the only things leprechauns celebrate are St. Patrick’s Day and when they get a pot of gold.

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