Are your young, hyperactive, and easily-influenced children singing shouting the lyrics to Wiggles songs over and over again like they were drunk at a kiddie karaoke bar?

Is the fellow movie patron sitting behind you with their feet constantly kicking the back of your chair yelling things at the screen, like “Don’t open that door!” or “Run, bitch! Run!”?

Is an obnoxious, loud-mouthed television or radio political pundit attacking you for either your insane conservative beliefs or demented liberal views?

Are you in the same room as Star Jones and she’s looking at you like you’re a juicy, meaty hamburger she’d want to sink her teeth into?

If any of these things are happening to you, I’d suggest you stick a new McDonald’s Snack Wrap in their mouth. Not only will it shut them up for about two minutes, or in Star Jones’ case prevent her from eating you, they’ll also be enjoying a gosh darn tasty snack.

The McDonald’s Snack Wrap consists simply of crispy chicken, cheddar jack cheese, lettuce and ranch sauce wrapped in a soft flour tortilla. The ranch sauce made it pretty tasty and the chicken was surprisingly crispy.

Its cylindrical shape is perfect for stuffing into the mouths of those who won’t shut up. Or it can be used by Britney Spears as Sean Preston’s pacifier when she can’t find her usual pacifier for him…A Taco Bell soft taco.

The McDonald’s Snack Wrap is kind of small, but I think it’s just as filling as a double cheeseburger from the Dollar Menu. Also, at $1.29, it’s inexpensive and I expect a lot of five dollar hookers will take advantage of that cheap price.

Sure, the five dollar hookers could get the cheaper double cheeseburger, but I’m sure they’re tired of having meat in their mouths and would like to have something different.

Being inexpensive can also make up for its lack of size. Obviously, if the McDonald’s Snack Wrap was bigger, it would be awesometastic and be able to shut someone up for a longer amount of time.

However, because it’s so cheap, buying two of them would double the amount of time I could keep Anna Nicole Smith from talking, because no good can come from anything that comes out of her mouth.

So if you buy one McDonald’s Snack Wrap, consider it a snack. Buy two or three, then it’s a meal. Buy four or five, it’s a meal for two. Buy one billion and it’s time to buy some McDonald’s stock.

Item: McDonald’s Snack Wrap
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Inexpensive. It’s gosh darn tasty, thanks to the ranch dressing. Great way to shut someone up for about two minutes. Chicken was actually crispy. Great for five dollar hookers who are tired of having meat in their mouths.
Cons: Kind of small, but what do you expect for $1.29. The Wiggles. People yelling at the screen during a movie. Insane political pundits. A hungry Star Jones.

Why are Asian salads so attracted to Caucasian men?

You know, I’m all for interracial eating, but Caucasian men are eating all of the Asian salads and I’m afraid that there won’t be any Asian salad for us Asian guys.

Sure I would totally go for a hot Jewish salad from New York or a Greek salad goddess, but there’s something about Asian salads that stand out, like this McDonald’s Asian Salad.

I don’t know if it’s the juicy, curvy mandarin orange wedges; perky soybeans; long, sexy snow peas; warm, orange-glazed grilled chicken; fiery red bell peppers; glistening Newman’s Own All-Natural Low-Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing; or the small, lickable toasted almonds, but something about it makes me want to instantly go down to its bowl and eat it.

So how do I eat it?

First, I’d bite into those juicy, curvy mandarin orange wedges; then suck on those perky soybean; spread open those long, sexy snow peas; then stroke its warm, orange-glazed grilled chicken; rub the glistening Newman’s Own All-Natural Low-Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing all over; and then lightly nibble on the toasted almonds.

I know how to treat Asian salads right. Just ask the Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad. Although we didn’t last and I haven’t eaten it in awhile, it would probably say that it enjoyed the time we spent together and any salad would be lucky to have me eat them. Also, it would probably say that I was great at going down on it and not making a big mess or not using the side of the bowl to wipe my mouth.

Some of the things I would do to make an Asian salad feel special is throw away those cheap plastic utensils that come with it and replace them with the finest salad fork stolen from some expensive, fancy restaurant.

Then I would replace the extremely cheap black salad bowl it came in with an old, expensive China bowl that has been passed down by several generations. At least that’s what the shopkeeper in Chinatown told me before I bought them. But I know for sure they were authentic Asian bowls because on the bottom of the bowls it says, “Made in China.”

See I would totally treat the McDonald’s Asian Salad or any other Asian salad right.

Now some of you might be wondering if all of this effort is worth it for this salad. Well let me tell you that it is worth it because it’s very good thanks to the tasty, glistening low-fat sesame ginger dressing from Paul Newman, which makes me thankful that Paul Newman’s salad dressing career is as successful as his movie career and not like the movie career of Pound Nudeman, worst gay porn actor EVER.

It’s also worth all of this effort because it’s got a slim one gram of saturated fat and 290 calories, but still has a hearty 31 grams of protein and 6 grams of fiber, because I like salads with a little booty. Sure, it’s a little salty, but when I look at those juicy, curvy mandarin oranges they totally make up for it.

Plus, I think one McDonald’s Asian Salad is enough to be a meal for almost everyone, especially Asian guys. But there are some guys out there who are able to have two Asian salads at one time. Those guys are lucky.

I hate those guys.

Item: McDonald’s Asian Salad
Price: $5.29
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty, low-fat dressing. Hearty salad. Nice mixture of tastes and textures. One gram of saturated fat. Only 290 calories. 31 grams of protein. 6 grams of fiber. Those juicy, curvy mandarin oranges.
Cons: Slightly pricey. Asian salad being attracted to Caucasian men. Nude Poundman’s gay porn acting career. Guys who get to have two Asian salads at one time.

As someone who consumes items that are named using words like spicy, jalapeno, hot, chipotle, fiery, habanero, tongue-burning, mucho caliente, and Eva Longoria-hot, I know when something is spicy.

Despite the crispy chicken breast with a bold blend of Chipotle spices, the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich didn’t bring the heat. Not even the lettuce, tomatoes, mayonnaise, and honey wheat roll could make up for the lack of spiciness.

There are so many things spicier than this sandwich.

For example, Latin-American entertainer Charo bathing in Tabasco sauce and repeatedly saying “cuchi-cuchi” is definitely many times more spicier than the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich.

Having WWE wrestlers battle each other in a kiddie pool of brown mustard is still extremely more spicier than the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich.

Heck, watching the Spice Network by myself, while listening to the Spice Girls and smelling of Old Spice, is still spicier than the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich.

This sandwich would’ve been good, if it gave me a nice burn. Instead, I got a so-so tasting crispy chicken sandwich that gave my mouth a very, very slight burn. The best way I can describe the difference, in terms many of you will understand, it’s like comparing rubbing your nipples with a feather or with coarse sandpaper.


As you all know, when you rubbing your nipples with a feather, you hardly feel anything at all. On the other hand, as many of you know, rubbing your nipples with coarse sandpaper hurts, but at the same time, it feels surprisingly good.

All good spicy sandwiches have that nice burn to them. For example, the Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Fillet Sandwich always give me a nice soothing burn.

I’m not talking about the burn you get while peeing because of a particular type of sexually transmitted disease you contracted from that time you went to Southeast Asia to participate in a “Sex Tour.”

Nor is it the type of burn you get from going up to an irate smoker, telling him or her that their second-hand smoke is irritating you, and then the irate smoker putting out their cigarette in the middle of your forehead.

Nor is it the type of burn I get when I go up to a woman to ask her out and she tells me, “I don’t date guys with unibrows.”

I’m talking about that burn that makes you sweat just a little. I’m talking about that burn that feels like your taste buds are doing the Riverdance with Stiletto heels on. I’m talking about that burn that makes you glad you got the value meal with the extra large soft drink.

Unfortunately, the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich couldn’t give me that burn.

(Editor’s Note: Lord Jezo, who I am jealous of because he has a pack of Pepsi Holiday Spice in his fridge, reviewed the McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich earlier this month. Read his review here. After reading the review, go read about how he and his date went to White Castle for Valentine’s dinner and ended up in the newspaper AND on television.)

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Item: McDonald’s Spicy Premium Chicken Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.99 (value meal)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: So-so tasting sandwich. Rubbing nipples with coarse sandpaper. Charo. Spice Network.
Cons: Very weak spiciness. Kind of small and pricey. My excessive use of the word “spicy” (and all its forms) in this review. Southeast Asian Sex Tours. My unibrow. Old Spice.

I don’t know about you, but when I buy “premium” products, I act like a rich, snobby, irritating son of a bitch that deserves to either be run over by a car or tied up and forced to listen to a continuous loop of David Hasselhoff albums with a gun pointed to my head that’s triggered by the words, “Please stop.”

I guess I act this way because “premium” products tend to be more expensive than regular versions of the product. For example, there’s premium gas, premium ice cream, premium cable channels, and premium mail order bride catalogs.

Whenever I pick up something like premium ice cream, I’ll look around, find someone who picked up regular ice cream, stare at them, and say to myself, “I’ve got premium ice cream, beeyatch! What do you have? Regular ice cream? Ha! I laugh at your regular ice cream. Ha! I laugh again. What? You can’t afford premium ice cream like I can? Yeah, by the way you dress, it looks like you can’t afford premium ice cream.”

See, I’m such as asshole when I pick up premium products.

Recently, McDonald’s introduced a line of premium chicken sandwiches. There are three varieties of chicken sandwiches to choose from: the Premium Chicken Classic, the Premium Chicken Ranch BLT, and the Premium Chicken Club. Also, all three sandwiches are available with either crispy or grilled chicken.

During my most recent visit to McDonald’s, I picked up a Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich. I decided to pick up the grilled version because it was slightly healthier than the crispy version. Along with the chicken, the sandwich consists of a toasted bakery roll with green lettuce, mayonnaise, a slice of fresh tomato, hickory smoked bacon, topped with Swiss cheese.

After picking it up, I sat down and immediately scanned the room to see what everyone else was eating and I noticed a woman eating a Big Mac.

Then I stared at her and said to myself, “Oh my goodness, a Big Mac? That’s so 1980s. Hey, you want a Culture Club record to go with that Big Mac? Couldn’t you afford the extra dollar to pick up a Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich like I have? I guess you have to save that dollar so that you can buy a pair of pants from Goodwill or the Salvation Army.”

After scanning the restaurant again and ridiculing a couple of kids with Happy Meals, I began eating my Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich.

The first thing I noticed about the sandwich was the green lettuce. It was actually green! I guess I was so used to seeing the whitish lettuce that comes with the poor folks Big Mac. But then I realized that I should be getting green lettuce, after all, it is a “premium” sandwich for “premium” consumers, like myself.

When I took my first bite, it tasted kind of bland, but the reason why it tasted bland was because that first bite didn’t include all the parts of the sandwich. When I took my second bite, which included the chicken, mayo, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and swiss cheese, it tasted much better, but it didn’t impress me.

Actually, I would’ve preferred eating a poor folks Big Mac than the rich folks Premium Grilled Chicken Sandwich.

Another problem I had with the Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich was trying to prevent the chicken from sliding around in between the buns. On a couple of occasions the bite I took didn’t have any chicken in it because it slid away from my mouth. I basically had to choke the chicken to keep it in place.

So what did I learn from my Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich experience?

I learned that adding the word “premium” to fast food, is like adding the word “fresh” to poop. It doesn’t make it any better.

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Item: McDonald’s Premium Grilled Chicken Club Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.19 (sandwich only)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes not bad if you can get a bite that includes all the parts of the sandwich. Healthier than crispy version. Green lettuce.
Cons: Nothing impressive. Slippery chicken. My attitude when I pick up “premium” products.

Where are your balls, McDonald’s?

Hardee’s comes out with the Monster Thickburger, Burger King releases the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, and you introduce the Fruit & Walnut Salad?

It’s like Cadillac introducing a bigger, eight-door Escalade with spinning wheels, Hummer selling a heavier, boxier H3 with tank tracks, and Ford coming out with another Pinto.

The combination of apple slices, red grapes, candied walnuts, and low-fat yogurt dipping sauce was pretty decent, but where’s the gluttony?

I know you’re trying to be more healthy, but couldn’t you have tried to make it overly healthy?

You could’ve made it the Xtreme Fruit & Walnut Mammoth Salad, which would contain insane amounts of things that are good for you, like dietary fiber, vitamins, and minerals.

I’m not talking about one sliced apple, a handful of grapes, a small airplane snack-sized bag of candied walnuts, and a small cup of fat-free yogurt that I got with the regular Fruit & Walnut Salad.

I’m talking about a whole bushel of apples, enough yogurt to dip your head into, enough red grapes to make your own bottle of wine, and enough nuts to prevent the lemmings from jumping into the ocean.

All of that in a deep, gigantic bowl that just barely fits through the drive-thru window and makes your automobile tip over like the slab of dinosaur ribs does during the ending credits of the Flintstones.

All of that has to contain enough dietary fiber to make my bowel movements so irregular that I might need adult diapers, enough calcium to make my bones stronger than adamantium, and enough antioxidants to make me feel like I could survive a few years of living a hardcore rockstar lifestyle with excessive booze, drugs, and women.

Also, why are there only two types of fruit in the Fruit & Walnut Salad? If a Monster Thickburger can have several slices of cheese, why can’t the Fruit & Walnut Salad have several types of fruit? Maybe some mangoes, lychee, pears, cantaloupes, and strawberries.

Anyway, despite the McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad not being gluttonous enough, it was a decent meal. The candied walnuts are what really makes this salad tasty, so if you’re allergic to nuts, I’d suggest you pass on the Fruit & Walnut Salad, unless you’re feeling dangerous.

(Editor’s Note: If you’re allergic to nuts and are feeling dangerous, The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for any allergic reaction caused by you feeling dangerous.)

Item: McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad
Purchase Price: $3.29
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Decent taste. Healthy. Good source of dietary fiber. Low sodium. Better tasting and looking than a Ford Pinto.
Cons: Tastes better with walnuts, which is bad for those who are allergic to them. Weak variety of fruits. Not enormous, monster, or gluttonous enough. Not overly healthy.