Tag: Peanut Butter

Jif Natural is the lambskin condom of big brand peanut butter because they’re both made from natural ingredients and both feel great on my skin. While lambskin condoms are made from lamb intestines, Jif Natural Peanut Butter consists of just five simple ingredients: roasted peanuts, sugar, palm oil, salt and molasses.

Being made from natural ingredients also gives each of these products particular characteristics not found in non-natural versions. Lambskin condoms, while good at preventing baby batter from sticking to the egg in the pan, are not very good at preventing the transmission of STDs because lamb intestine is porous enough to let bacteria and viruses through.

Jif Natural has a consistency that is really easy to spread, like melted regular peanut butter on a fresh piece of toast. Or in German it can be best described as über creamy. Or in formal Japanese it would be known as totemo kurimi. Or in energy drink marketing speak it would be xtremy creamy.

If you’ve ever purchased all-natural peanut butter from a hippie natural foods stores that sells a lot of hemp and soy products, you probably know about the separation of the oil and peanuts after you open the jar, forcing you to stir it to mix the two. This can be a pain in the ass if you’re extremely lazy and don’t like an extra step between opening the jar and shoveling a spoonful of peanut butter into your mouth. Fortunately, there’s no need to stir with the Jif Natural Peanut Butter, so it can go straight into your mouth and then straight to your gut, or if you’re a woman, straight to your hips and thighs, which causes you to consider purchasing the Kymora Body Shaper.

The Jif Natural Peanut Butter may not have a thick layer of oil on top after you open it, but it does have a very a thin layer of palm oil, which gives it a glossy shine. Regular peanut butter tends to have more of a matte finish. The look of Jif Natural Peanut Butter is not the only thing that shines, so does its flavor. I think it has a stronger nutty flavor than regular peanut butter, and I now I don’t feel like using the six pounds of Skippy Peanut Butter I bought from Costco.

While it may be natural, it isn’t necessarily healthier than regular peanut butter because it has the same amounts of saturated fat and sugar. It does, though, have half the sodium than regular Jif peanut butter. Also, natural peanut butter tends to be more expensive than their normal counterparts, but Jif Natural is about the same price as regular peanut butter.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for condoms made from lamb intestines.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 tbsp – 190 calories, 16 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 4% iron, 10% vitamin E, 2% riboflavin and 20% niacin.)

(Note: We Rate Stuff also reviewed it.)

(Update: TIB reader Anna points out that this product is a peanut butter spread and not peanut butter because it contains 10% of non-peanut ingredients, which it clearly states on the bottle. I am blind.)

(Update #2: After having the Jif Natural Peanut Butter around for a while, I found that it has a tendency to clump together, which is frickin’ weird. I’ve knocked the rating down a point because of this.)

Item: Jif Natural Peanut Butter
Price: $3.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great nutty flavor. Only five ingredients. No need to stir. Easy to spread. 50% less sodium than regular peanut butter. Same price as regular peanut butter. Feels good on my skin. Condoms.
Cons: Same amounts of saturated fat and sugar as regular peanut butter. Will eventually start clumping. Glossy look may seem weird. Having to stir all-natural peanut butter from a hippie natural foods store. The cost of lambskin condoms. Lambskin condoms don’t prevent the spread of STDs.

Dear Marvo,

Thank you,
Wannabe Messy Lovers

Dear Wannabe Messy Lovers,

To be honest, I’m not a fan of using peanut butter in the bedroom.

First off, the smell of peanut butter is not sexy, unless you enjoy slapping shells with Mr. Peanut. One of the few things that can make the words, “I wanna lick your (insert body part here),” not so sexy is peanut butter breath. Also, that sentence is no longer sexy when it begins or ends with a name that’s not yours.

Another reason why I’m not a fan of using peanut butter during sex is because of the gooey consistency of peanut butter. As a matter of fact, the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey was noticeably thicker than regular Jif Peanut Butter, which was probably due to the honey in it.

The problem with the consistency of the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey and other peanut butters is that they’re harder to spread around than something like hot fudge, marshmallow fluff, maple syrup, edible lubrication, and Slurpees.

In the kitchen, if it’s harder to spread on bread, you may end up with torn bread. In the bedroom, if it’s harder to spread in your lover’s armpit, it’s going to be harder to lick out of your lover’s armpit.

There’s a reason why Mr. Owl bites to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop instead of licking all the way through. He knew the tongue is a muscle and it will get tired. If your tongue gets tired from licking up peanut butter, it’s going to be too tired to lick anything else, like nipples and in between toes.

The final reason why I think peanut butter is bad in bed is because there’s nothing erotic about peanut butter. Chocolate is an aphrodisiac; a bikini can be made from canned whipped cream; hot fudge, at the right temperature, can cause a pleasurable pain; and Slurpees can make your nipples hard.

Anyway, I wouldn’t recommend the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey for use in the bedroom, but I would recommend it for your next sandwich. The flavor sort of reminded me of the Jif Honey Roasted Peanut Butter I’ve tried in the past, but the honey flavor was not as strong.

It’s good stuff, but just not good enough for me to lick off of a woman’s breast, inner thigh, or taint.

Sincerely,
Marvo
Editor
The Impulsive Buy

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to CT from the Population Statistic for suggesting the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey Creamy Peanut Butter.)

Item: Jif Peanut Butter & Honey Creamy Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $4.29
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good. Nice light honey taste.
Cons: Noticeably thicker than regular peanut butter, which may make it slightly harder to spread on bread. Not good for licking off of a lover’s body. Nothing erotic about peanut butter. Peanut butter breath.