I donâ€™t know why I keep torturing myself with all of these low-carb items.
Every time I buy one, I know itâ€™s not going to taste good and Iâ€™m going to write a crappy review about it.
I really should just let these folks handle the reviews for the low-carb stuff and I should just stick with the ass-growing, gut-building foods that actually taste good.
Maybe I buy the low-carb stuff because Iâ€™m curious to know how bad they can get. Maybe I think to myself, â€œThere canâ€™t be anything worse than the Carb Countdown Smoothie.â€
Oh wait, there is! Thanks, Carb Well, for proving that there are different levels of crap.
Well I guess Iâ€™ll keep buying them and Iâ€™ll keep getting burned.
Itâ€™s like the rottweiler keeps biting me, but I still want to pet it.
You know, Dr. Atkins and his fat ass is probably laughing at me up in heaven and being thankful that he didnâ€™t have to eat the low-carb crap thatâ€™s available today.
Damn you, Dr. Atkins! I really hope the only things available to eat in heaven are Krispy Kreme donuts.
Anyway, the newest way Iâ€™ve been torturing myself is with the Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter.
It looks like peanut butter. It smells like peanut butter. It spreads like peanut butter. Itâ€™s fun to feed to dogs like peanut butter. It tastes like peanut butterâ€¦
Oh, wait. That last part about the tasting like peanut butterâ€¦ Um, it really doesnâ€™t.
So the Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter accomplishes all this sticky not-so-goodness with less sugar, less carbs, and less peanuts.
Less peanuts? That explains the taste.
According to the bottle, it says Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter is made out of 65 percent peanuts. Of course, the obvious $65,000 Question is, â€œWhat the hell makes up the other 35 percent?â€
Your guess is as good as mine, but I sure hope some of that 35 percent isnâ€™t Splenda.
Holy crap! Some of that IS Splenda.
Dammit, Splenda! Why canâ€™t you cause anal leakage like Olestra did? That way youâ€™d just disappear and become another segment in the future VH1 show, â€œI Love the 2000sâ€ where Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black will make jokes about you.
So what benefits do we get with Splenda and 35 percent less peanuts in our Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter?
We get TWO less grams of sugar and carbs than regular Skippy peanut butter.
Only two less grams of carbs?
So Skippy spent time and energy to make a low-carb Skippy peanut butter and it turns out that regular Skippy peanut butter was ALREADY low-carb.
Damn you, Dr. Atkins!
STOP LAUGHING AT ME!
Item: Skippy Carb Option Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Possibly better than peanut butter made out of 50 percent peanuts. Looks like peanut butter. Smells like peanut butter. Spreads like peanut butter.
Cons: Grainy. 65% peanuts! Splenda!!! Dr. Atkins is laughing at me.