REVIEW: Kirkland Signature Combo Calzone

Costco’s food court is arguably the country’s best cost-effective eatery. Where else can you get a two-dollar dog right after spending $450 on items such as an Army’s supply of animal crackers and a year’s worth of pipe-clogging wet wipes?

Just me?

I never skip the Costco Cafeteria. I’ll take one of their obese slices over any national chain’s wimpy pizza. I don’t know where Chicken Bakes came from, but they’re a marvel of modern science. That dirt cheap footlong? GOATed! And how can I forget the… *sigh* we still doing this?

Double. Chocolate. Chunk. Cookie?! Five Booms and whatnot.

Everything is good.

Well, everything WAS good. It is with great sorrow that I must report the new Kirkland Calzone Combo is a DOOM!

I’m baffled. How can this be? On paper, you would think a Costco food court Calzone would just marry the best parts of the pizza and the chicken bake, right? Pure ignorance.

It certainly looks like a decent calzone. I really like the doughy, slightly crispy crust on the pizza slice, so having that as a giant pocket works. It was probably my favorite part of the experience, despite it getting worse as I got towards the center.

The filling is pure slop. A full-on work sloppage. Slopular Science. The King of Slop. A wop slop a loo bop a slop bom bom!

The “turnover” comes packed with pepperoni, sausage, cheese, onions, peppers, sauce, olives, and mushrooms, all of which clash with each other.

I’m not opposed to a supreme pizza, but all of these ingredients don’t work in this pouch; it just makes everything wet with a gross flavor I can only describe as “spiced slimy meat.” That’s all I tasted, but not even in a good pepperoni or sausage style, they blend with the veggies to make an off-putting “spice” that is neither hot nor appetizing. This is the opposite of the spice mélange. One DUNE(!) on the “Boom or Dune” scale.

I could probably get beyond the overall flavor if this thing had more cheese in it. It’s severely lacking. I’ll keep hyping the pizza, because I absolutely love that 700-calorie behemoth cheese slice. It’s excessive, it’s greasy, it’s uniquely chewy, and I love it. This mushy deflated football needed that texture badly.

What you’re looking at here is a giant Hot Pocket that you took out of the microwave fifteen seconds early. I’m shocked at how much I disliked it. What a mess. This thing left a bad taste in my mouth literally and figuratively. The corners of the crust are basically the highlight. This should’ve been a perfect amalgamation of the pizza and chicken bake, but instead it’s a bastardization.

1.66 out of 5 BOOMS, which is appropriately a “boo.”

Purchased Price: $6.99
Size: n/a
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 3 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 1,080 calories, 61 grams of fat, 25 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 2000 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of total carbohydrates, 7 grams of total sugars, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 46 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Papa Johns Garlic 5-Cheese Crust Pizza

Like geologists, Papa Johns has been into crusts recently. More specifically, turning the plain toasted bread-flavored end crust of a pizza into something worthy of consumption. Earlier this year, it dug up the Cheddar Crust Pizza, which I loved. And now that cheesy crust is passing its mantle to the new Garlic 5-Cheese Crust Pizza, which features the chain’s core original crust seasoned with garlic parmesan sauce and a cheese blend of parmesan, romano, asiago, fontina, and provolone.

Much like my attempt to fit geology references into the paragraph above, I wondered if it was necessary to include five cheeses. Would eaters even be able to detect all five? Is this another situation like the number of blades in a disposable razor cartridge? Do we need five cheese crusts and seven blade razors? Well, unlike disposable razor blade cartridges with seven blades, the five cheeses here do make a tasty difference, even though I can’t detect all of them.

My order’s crust looked a tad overcooked. Although I assumed that was because of the catalog of toasted cheeses on it. When I took a bite of the crust, that browned layer gave my teeth delightful tremors with a crisp texture, and the soft dough below it had a pleasant chewiness. Then, the avalanche (oops, slipping back into geology references) of cheesiness came sliding over my taste buds. I can’t say one cheese stood out more than the other. Instead, it was a mingling of them. Also, some crust bites had a stronger flavor than others. But it’s almost as tasty as the Cheddar Crust Pizza.

However, the one flavor that seemed lacking, which I wish there were more of, was the garlic from the sauce. As someone who likes the pungent ingredient, I wanted garlic bread levels of the stuff, but it gets lost a bit among the cheeses. Which is not surprising since the chain’s Garlic Parmesan crust lacked a lot of garlic flavor. However, dipping the crust into Papa Johns’ obligatory Garlic Sauce can easily resolve this.

Much like the previously mentioned cheddar crust pizza, the crust on this menu item kind of reminds me of a cracker I’ve had. But it’s not instantly recognizable as the cheddar one, which I thought tasted like a Cheez-It.

As for the rest of the pizza, it’s what you’d expect from a Papa Johns’ pepperoni pizza. Mild mozzarella cheese, sweet pizza sauce, and salty and meaty pepperoni.

While Papa Johns’ limited time Garlic 5-Cheese Crust Pizza isn’t as earth-shattering as its cheddar predecessor, I think it’s worth a try while it’s still around.

Purchased Price: $15.99*
Size: Large
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 slice) 320 calories, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Papa Johns Cheddar Crust Pizza

Pizza chains have attempted to make the pizza’s end crust as delightful as the rest of the pizza. However, while they have done things like stuffing it with cheese and meats, brushing it with garlic butter, and dusting it with seasonings, it usually never ends up being as satisfying as the rest of the pizza. However, Papa Johns Cheddar Crust Pizza might be the best tasting end crust I’ve ever stuffed into my pie hole, and I hope it never goes away.

The crust features a blend of aged cheddar cheese with a garlic and herb seasoning baked onto the edge of Papa Johns’ Original Crust. All that aged cheesiness and seasonings helped create an orangey crust that made my taste buds think they were eating elongated, doughy Cheez-It Crackers, but saltier. With the first slice, I ended up finishing the rounded end before I even took a bite of the sauce, cheese, and pepperoni side. I can’t say I’ve ever done that with any stuffed crust.

While enjoying that first slice, I wondered if the cheese extended to the bottom crust because I believe Papa Johns did that with another cheese. It doesn’t; it’s just the ends. But after taking bites from both ends of my second slice to get the whole pizza experience, I think having the cheddar on the bottom would be a waste of cheese because the toppings, especially the sweet marinara sauce, overwhelm any cheddar flavor.

However, not only do the cheddar and seasonings give the end crust a Cheez-It-like flavor, but they also provide a pleasant toasted cheese crispiness, along with the crust’s usual chewiness. The one-two punch of taste and texture makes this one unlike any other crust I’ve had. Also, you know how sometimes a pizza has a large bubble in the end crust that’s all dough and no show? Well, there was one with this pizza, and I didn’t mind it at all because I knew the cheddar baked into it would provide a good amount of cheesiness.

I loved the ends of Papa Johns’ Cheddar Crust Pizza enough that I may or may not have cut off the crust from a third slice and then put the rest of the slice back into the box so that I could eat that cheddar-y pizza butt on its own. SHHHH! Don’t tell anyone in the house that it was me. But I’m going to tell you that you should give this cheddar-encrusted crust a try.

Purchased Price: $16.99*
Size: Large
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: Not available on Papa Johns website at the time of publication.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did. It’s being advertised for $11.99 in other areas.

REVIEW: Cheez-It Pizza

I’m not breaking any new ground by saying that even the worst pizza is still pretty good.

Your local pizza joint? Pretty good. Pizza Hut? Pretty good. Those little plastic rectangles they force-fed you in elementary school? Pretty good. Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time! When pizzas are on a bagel, it’s still pretty good.

I love pizza… butttttt, I’ve never been much of a thin crust guy. Outside of Domino’s, I don’t even really eat it. I’m actually on record saying, “I don’t want pizza on a cracker.” Well, that changed the second I found a frozen pizza that was literally on a cracker. The cracker in question? You know it’s Cheez-It, so why teez-it?

“Take a Cheez-It, freeze it, and then Pizz-it.” – some marketing guy, probably.

Cheez-It Pizzas come in three flavors — Pepperoni, Cheddar Jack Supreme, and Italian Four Cheese — and are available nationwide. I opted for the Four Cheese, which has whole milk mozzarella, parmesan, yellow cheddar, and Romano… and Cheez-It, so technically, it’s Five Cheese. Semantics.

Right out of the box, the pizza smelled like Cheez-Its, so it was a great start. The baking instructions said to cook the pie at 450 degrees for 8-10 minutes, but as a lover of Extra Toasty Cheez-Its, I defied their orders and set the timer for 11.

I’m not one for rules – not even these pizza rules everybody apparently knows about. It’s a good thing I didn’t stop at just one bite; otherwise, this review would have been a dud because the first bite didn’t pop.

I had flashbacks to the Cheez-It collab at Taco Bell, where I thought the Cheez-It was lost entirely within the Crunchwrap. I was ready to say something snippy like, “This pizza puts the ‘ick’ in ‘gimmick.'” Good thing I didn’t say that, though, because it’s not funny at all.

It grew on me. After one square, I ate four more—one for each cheese. The cheeses had a really nice flavor, but they kind of blended into a generic, chewy “pizza cheese” taste. Parmesan stood out the most.

At first, I wasn’t getting anything more than crisp from the Cheez-It, but by square three, the Cheez-It flavor was firmly there. The crust tastes like 75% of a Cheez-It.

Honestly, this is just a hot, overly salted, cheesy cracker, and I think that’s fine.

There isn’t enough marinara, though. Maybe the extra minute in the oven evaporated the sauce, but it’s dry, and I’m not even a guy who likes a super saucy slice. I’m not even a guy. I’m a child eating Cheez-It Pizza.

I ate half the pie, and I was satisfied. I air-fried the other half the next day and was equally satisfied. It wasn’t even that far off from a Domino’s Thin Crust, but like takeout pizza, I think I prefer my frozen pizza like I hate my stomach – doughy.

It’s not delivery. It’s not even DiGiorno\*. It’s decent. It’s a snack, not a meal.

So yeah, I’ve had worse. I don’t even know you, and I know you have too. It’s technically pizza, and as we all know, all pizza is pretty good.

*This is from Palermo’s. Until writing this review, I literally thought this was a collaboration with DiGiorno because of the box design, but it’s not DiGiorno, it’s Deceptive!

Purchased Price: $8.99
Size: 16.85 oz.
Purchased at: ShopRite
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/4 Pizza) 320 calories, 18 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 850 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of total sugars, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Ragu Supreme Pizza

When I first stumbled upon the new Ragu Frozen Pizza at a local grocery store, my first thought was, “Oh, now why is this a thing?” A random couple standing nearby echoed my confusion. The guy said, “Honey, look— Ragu frozen pizza.” To which the lady replied, “Um, nasty. No.”

And, like, I get it. Though the idea of the world’s most popular (or second most popular? I don’t know how Ragu stacks up against Prego, sales-wise) jarred spaghetti sauce putting its pizza sauce on a frozen pizza shouldn’t be repulsive, it is a little — pardon the pun — jarring. But the thing is, this is actually a Palermo’s pizza product.

If you’re not familiar with Palermo’s Pizza, well, actually you are, I promise. You’ve probably seen — if not eaten — either a Screamin’ Sicilian, a Connie’s, an Urban Pie, a Surfer Boy (lo of the Stranger Things tie-in), or, god forbid, the recently released Cheez-It Pizza. I’ve had and enjoyed many Screamin’ Sicilian pizzas (they used to have some great specialty ones), and a couple of the Urban Pies and the Surfer Boy pies generally receive pretty favorable reviews. The point is there’s a decent track record.

But, so, what does the Ragu bring to the table in this engagement? Is whatever it adds any better (or worse) than standard frozen pizza sauce?

The new Ragu Pizzas come in four flavors — Cheese, Combination (Italian sausage and pepperoni), Pepperoni, and Supreme (Italian sausage, pepperoni, green, yellow and red peppers, onion, and black olives) — and all are served on “a flaky, pizzeria-style crust.” Weirdly enough, they make sure to call out that all use a “Ragu-inspired” sauce, and not just, you know, Ragu. Interesting distinction! For this review, I tried the Supreme.

This was one of the most boring, uninspired frozen pizzas I’ve ever had. It wasn’t bad; it wasn’t good. It was utterly unforgettable. The crust was bland, of medium thickness, and devoid of any real flavor. The cheese was the same. The toppings were standard, mid-tier frozen pizza fare; I didn’t notice any punch from the onions or peppers — they were mostly just mushy. The pepperoni and sausage chunks were salty and chewy. I think the whole thing had, like, five black olives on it. Ho-hum. But what about the star of the show, the Ragu-inspired sauce? It was… there. It tasted red. It was a little sweet, I guess, but not oppressively so. It was, in a word, generic.

And really, that’s the tale of this pie: the most generic-tasting frozen pizza I’ve had in quite some time. I wouldn’t buy one again; with 8,000 frozen pizza alternatives available — some of which are actually good — there’s no point in this one existing. Sorry, Palermo’s. Better luck next time. (PS. How about “next time” means bringing back the Screamin’ Sicilian that had jalapeños and bacon and chicken with a ranch sauce? That thing was worth buying.)

Purchased Price: $5.99
Size: 23.15 oz
Purchased at: Hy-Vee
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/5th pizza) 320 calories, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein.

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