REVIEW: Nonstop Mint Stride Gum

Nonstop Mint Stride

Minty gum flavors are like shades of gray — there are slight variations, either minty coolness with the gum or values in the hexadecimal format (or sadness in an emo’s soul) with the gray, but to most people it’s basically the same shit. The Nonstop Mint Stride Gum is just another shade of gray, albeit on the lighter side, that plays a lot of Dashboard Confessional and The Get Up Kids on its iPod.

I believe the Nonstop Mint Stride almost has the perfect minty gum name, although the folks at Stride Gum disagree since they have a contest going on to determine a new name for it that involves people submitting their ideas for a chance to win $10,000. I think the name is fine because it somewhat accurately describes the gum itself. It’s minty and, while it may not be “nonstop,” it lasts surprisingly long, like Steve Wozniak’s stay on Dancing With The Stars.

Naming a minty gum is simple if you have nerve endings and aren’t agoraphobic. Just go outside when it’s dark or cold, strip down to your underwear (or naked if it’s legal in your neck of the woods or you live in the middle of the woods), wait a few minutes for your body temperature to drop, write down what you’re feeling (if your shaking hands allow you to), and then add the word “mint” at the end of everything you’re feeling.

I’ve come up with a number of minty gum names using this technique, like Wind Blast Mint, Mid-40’s Mint, Shiver Mint, Misty Wind Mint, Hard Nipple Mint, It’s So Cold I Can’t Write Straight Mint, My Nipples Are So Hard That They Could Poke An Eye Out Mint, Holy Shit It’s Fucking Freezing Mint, and Shrunken Genitalia Mint.

The Nonstop Mint doesn’t have a strong minty flavor like a lot of chewing gums with names that combine a weather report with the word “mint,” but it does have a sweet side. I guess if there was a minty Juicy Fruit it would taste somewhat like this. I enjoyed its flavor and was able to chew on it for more than 45 minutes before I had the urge to spit it out, but if you need something stronger to get rid of the garlic, onions or mistress/boytoy you just ate, I’d suggest something other than the Nonstop Mint Stride.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – Less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbs, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

(Note: Read another review here.)

Item: Nonstop Mint Stride Gum
Price: $1.39
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Minty sweet flavor. Has a name that almost accurately describes it. Long lasting flavor. Able to keep it in my mouth for more than 45 minutes. 14 frickin’ pieces. No fat. Stripping down to your underwear in the name of marketing. Genitalia.
Cons: Not a strong minty flavor. Doesn’t seem strong enough to get rid of garlic, onions or genitalia in your mouth. Shrinking genitalia in cold weather. Being agoraphobic. My excessive use of the word “genitalia” in this review.

REVIEW: Always Mandarin Stride Gum

I’m not sure if chewing gum helps strengthen the muscles around my mouth, but if it does, I just gave my mouth a workout with the Always Mandarin Stride Gum.

Stride Gum isn’t shy about letting everyone know that their product is “The Ridiculously Long Lasting Gum.” They are much like my ex-girlfriends who aren’t timid about letting everyone they know that I am “The Disappointingly Short Lasting Lover,” which I’m working on by the way with kegel exercises. Because I like to prove ridiculously lame marketing slogans wrong, and it’s been hard to me to disprove my alleged poor sexual prowess, I set forth and made like a cow chewing cud by chomping on a piece of this orange-flavored Stride gum for as long as I could. I hoped that this piece of gum would last shorter than I do.

Unfortunately, the Always Mandarin Stride Gum lasted significantly longer than I ever will, but it also lasted longer than most men ever will, except Sting and his freaky deeky 48-hour Tantric Sex. I chewed on a piece for about an hour. Its initial flavor was kind of weird and it lasted for about 3-4 minutes.

At first, it tasted kind of like orange oatmeal, but after that subsided, it tasted like a really weak diet orange soda with the artificial sweetener aftertaste. The orange flavor really began to disappear after about 45 minutes of chewing and I spit the gum out 15 minutes later.

Is 45 minutes considered “ridiculously long?” In the porn world, not including oral…yes. In the business meeting world…no. In the gum chewing world…that’s pretty good. In my world…I can only dream. I think it’s even better than Extra gum, but my jaw is too tired to actually find out, which reminds me that my ex-girlfriends also aren’t afraid about letting everyone know that I am also “The Disappointingly Little Lasting Licker.”

Hmm…If chewing Stride Gum for long periods can strengthen my jaw, perhaps it can help me shed that label.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – Less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, and 45 minutes of saliva production.)

Item: Always Mandarin Stride Gum
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent flavor once you get past the weird initial flavor. Closable packaging. Long lasting flavor. Might help strengthen mouth muscles. Kegel exercises.
Cons: Weird initial flavor. Mandarin flavor is not always. It lasts longer than I do. My ex-girlfriends talking about me. 48-hour Tantric Sex marathons. $4 gallons of gas.

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