Tag: Subway

Right now, I’m chillin’ like a villain who gave every superhero an ass whippin’ because I just ate what I consider to be one of the best Subway sandwiches I’ve ever had — their Western Egg & Cheese.

I don’t understand how a sandwich so simple could stimulate my taste buds in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time with a Subway sandwich. The Western Egg & Cheese consists of only ham, cheese, eggs, red onions, and green bell peppers in between a flatbread.

I’m surprised it didn’t come with some kind of barbecue sauce, because if eating fast food has taught me anything besides eating fast food is bad for me, it’s that any fast food item with “western” in its name must have barbecue sauce, like the Burger King Western BBQ Cheeseburger and Hardee’s Western Bacon Thickburger. But, again, it doesn’t have any, nor does Subway offer barbecue sauce, so it appears they’re breaking one of the cardinal rules of fast food.

Since there’s no barbecue sauce, I wondered why Subway called it the Western Egg & Cheese. To find out, I put on my cowboy hat and leather chaps, which were probably unnecessary because finding out didn’t involve riding a horse, or even going outside. It just involved me, a computer, and Google.

It turns out there’s a dish called the Western omelet, which is filled with ham, onions, and green bell peppers. I didn’t know about it because I know it as the Denver omelet. If I was a foodie, I probably would’ve known that Western and Denver omelets are the same. Also, if I was a foodie, I probably wouldn’t eat a Subway Western Egg & Cheese, instead I would turn up my nose at Subway and head to a weird part of town where there’s a quaint, hole-in-the-wall sandwich shop that has many five star reviews on Yelp, crappy parking, and for some reason is closed on Tuesdays.

I’ve eaten enough Subway sandwiches to span across the length of several football fields, and with most of them they need mayo, mustard, or some kind of sauce to make them palatable. But with the Western Egg & Cheese no liquid condiment is necessary. The red onions and bell peppers do a wonderful job of giving the sandwich flavor, but not overpowering the cheese, ham, and egg. The flatbread is tasty, warm, and soft, but doesn’t fall apart easily like other flatbreads.

Sure, the eggs patties they use look unnatural and look like they came from a giant egg from the Flintstones, and a Western Egg & Cheese footlong has over 2,400 milligrams of sodium, but even with those faults, I still think it’s a really good Subway sandwich.

Item: Subway Western Egg & Cheese
Price: $6.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 6″ with egg whites – 350 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,200 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 24 grams of protein

Yes. No. Yes.

Those are the answers to the following questions about Subway’s new Oven Crisp Chicken sub.

Are they really prepared in an oven? Yes, the pieces of breaded chicken are heated up in Subway’s proprietary toasting oven (yes, the same one they toast the bread in).

Are the breaded oven baked chicken pieces crispy? No, they are not at all crispy.

Are they using real pieces of chicken? Yes, they are real pieces of chicken. Although, after eating them, some might disagree.

Preparing the Subway Oven Crisp Chicken sub looks like it’s a pain in the ass for the Sandwich Artists behind the counter. I ordered a footlong on Italian bread with honey mustard sauce, lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers, and while it sounds like a simple sandwich, it sure took awhile to make. The guy who made my sandwich had to stick the two pieces of chicken in their super-duper proprietary toasting oven for what seemed to be a long time when you have a slowly growing line of people wanting you to make a sandwich for them.

But all that time spent in an oven that, to be honest, doesn’t even do a good job of toasting bread, didn’t help with making the exterior of the chicken crispy. I couldn’t hear or feel any crispiness. Oh, the sandwich did have a little crunchiness, but that was thanks to the lettuce and cucumbers I put in it and definitely not the chicken.

If you look closely at one of the pieces of chicken in this sandwich, it looks like there are some herbs in the breading. However, whatever flavor is in the breading, it easily gets lost if you add any condiment. Even a bite of chicken, sans honey mustard sauce, had very little flavor. Along with not having much flavor, the chicken is also a bit dry, which is actually par for the course when it comes to any Subway chicken sandwich.

Overall, I think the Subway Oven Crisp Chicken sub is slightly better tasting than Subway’s Oven Roasted Chicken. Although, to be honest, that’s not saying much since I don’t think too highly of the Oven Roasted Chicken sub.

(Nutrition Facts – 6-inch sub – 420 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6.7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 940 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 23 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Oven Crisp Chicken Sub
Price: $7.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: It’s new. Slightly better than the Subway Oven Roasted Chicken sub. The bread is making my bones strong.
Cons: It takes awhile to make. Not crispy. Chicken didn’t have much flavor. Subway’s proprietary ovens can’t make chicken or bread crispy. Vegetables provided all the sandwich’s crunchiness.

The people running Subway might be the greatest salesmen in the world. They’ve positioned their sandwiches as health foods solely on the strength of one erstwhile fat guy’s crazy diet, and the five-dollar footlong campaigns have been so successful that they could actually ruin both the fast food and porn industries in one fell swoop. Subway’s marketing department has even had success in generating great publicity in fictional worlds, as seen by their support of Happy Gilmore’s epic quest to save his grandmother’s house and hook up with the hot blonde mom from Modern Family. At this point it almost feels ridiculous to doubt Subway’s ability to sell any and all of its products; you’re better off trying to dispute people’s enthusiasm for the new Harry Potter movie, hipsters’ willingness to wear sweaters in the summer, or my ability to use three sloppy analogies in a row.

And yet, I had doubts that a BBQ pulled pork sandwich could work at Subway. A pulled pork sandwich seems fundamentally different from all of Subway’s previous limited edition releases. Making a good pulled pork sandwich feels like it would require significantly more expertise than most other sandwiches. Also, judging by the number of hours dedicated to barbecue on the Food Network, people have a love for pulled pork that just doesn’t exist for, say, cold cut combos, so it would be extra disappointing if Subway did a poor job with a foodie-favorite. Finally, the sandwich costs $8.00, and at that price point you might as well spend the extra $2 and order two footlongs, which gets you double the porn jokes AND all your sodium for the week!

The process of actually ordering the sandwich did little to allay my doubts. The pulled pork was held in the same type of container as the tuna, which meant it was scooped out ice cream-style. I had assumed the pork would be held in the microwaveable cardboard trays; instead, the only heating the meat got was from the toasting of the overall sandwich. I watched in quiet anticipation of the barbecue sauce being added, but the woman behind the counter took my silence to mean I was satisfied with the current contents of my sandwich, and she began to wrap it up before I realized I had to specifically ask for the barbecue sauce. I suppose the Sandwich Artists can occasionally put together a masterpiece, but the output of this particular experience felt more like a poorly-followed color-by-numbers worksheet.

By the time I sat down to actually eat, expectations were remarkably low. The pulled pork sandwich beat those expectations, though not by much. The pork was fairly flavorful, if a bit too salty, but the paste-like texture was rather unpleasant. I think the meat really could have benefited from a brief blast in the microwave, which possibly would have melted some fat and added some juiciness. The barbecue sauce was solid, with a nice smokiness and not too much sweetness, but because it was added last and not mixed in with the pulled pork, I was always acutely aware that I was eating “pulled pork with BBQ sauce on top” and not “BBQ pulled pork.”

Would I buy Subway’s BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich again? Probably not. Then again, I wouldn’t count out the Subway marketing team just yet. There could be some new jingle or a movie promotional tie-in that convinces me otherwise. Who knows, maybe they could even help make Adam Sandler movies funny again (but don’t hold your breath on that one).

(Nutrition Facts – 1 footlong – 570 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 1340 milligrams of sodium, 68 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 56 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 20% vitamin C, 30% calcium, and 25% iron.)

Item: Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich
Price: $8.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Pulled pork was flavorful. Barbecue sauce was smoky and not too sweet. Subway’s marketing department. Old Adam Sandler movies.
Cons: Pulled pork was paste-like. Pork wasn’t heated up at all. Barbecue sauce wasn’t mixed in with the meat. Sandwich Artistry. The potential ruination of the porn industry. New Adam Sandler movies.

Let’s say you’re a slut or a manwhore (and if you are, congratulations on catching herpes).

Eventually, all the one night stands with those whose names you’ve forgotten become a blur, and you’re unable to tell the differences between who or what you slept with. Sometimes it’s a woman. Sometimes it’s a man. Sometimes it’s a woman and man. Sometimes it’s more men and women than you can count on your hands. Sometimes it’s just a hole in the wall. Sometimes it’s a gearshift. But you don’t remember. For you, there is no walk of shame.

I’m not a manwhore, but I imagine it’s somewhat like watching sitcoms on CBS, since I can’t tell them apart. This is also how I feel about the new Subway Buffalo Chicken sub sandwich.

The limited time only sandwich is made up of chicken glazed with a buffalo sauce, a light ranch dressing and whatever veggies you like to pile into your monster phallic sandwich. The buffalo sauce isn’t very spicy and doesn’t have a strong flavor, but it could be that the light ranch dressing is doing some flavor cockblocking.

Because of its light flavor and because I’ve wrapped my mouth around so many Subway $5 footlongs, the Buffalo Chicken doesn’t stand out and it’s kind of bland. It just becomes part of the blur of meat, honey oat bread, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, olives, and cucumbers. Sometimes it’s a turkey breast. Sometimes it’s a cold cut combo. Sometimes it’s oven roasted chicken. Sometimes it’s a veggie delight. But to this subwhore, at this point, they all taste the same.

But what about those who don’t suck down Subway footlongs on a regular basis?

If they’re looking for a low-fat meal, a six-inch Buffalo Chicken has just seven grams of fat. But those people better also love sodium and hypertension, because it contains over 1,300 milligrams of sodium. For some, that’s half a day’s worth of sodium. For a slug, it means DOOM.

The Subway Buffalo Chicken was unremarkable because when I think of Buffalo Chicken, I think of strong flavors, but this sandwich lacked it. To me, it’s just another nameless notch in my bedpost.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 inches – 370 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 1300 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 25 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 35% vitamin C, 6% calcium and 15% iron.)

Item: Subway Buffalo Chicken
Price: $6.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Seven grams of fat in a six-inch sub. Rad source of protein.
Cons: Unremarkable. Weak flavor. Lots of sodium. Not very spicy. Doesn’t have a strong flavor. Light ranch seems to be a flavor cockblocker.

After trying the Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread sandwich, I have realized that all other Subway sandwiches are as boring as watching child actors who don’t get addicted to drugs grow. The simple formula of bread that’s fluffier than a Jonas Brothers’ hairstyle, meat, veggies, and condiments gave me an option when I wanted fast food, but didn’t feel like eating a burger and fries, fake Mexican food, mediocre pizza, or 11 secret herbs and spices.

But there hasn’t been anything from Subway that has blown my mind or made me dream of bouncing up and down on a bed of Subway sandwiches. It turns out I didn’t eat them because they were good, I ate them because they were better for me than most things I could get though a drive-thru window. However, the Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread sandwich is the first Subway menu item that I would want to take home, sleep with, and then cook breakfast for in the morning, although with some regret days later because of the fear of catching an SHD (Sandwich Heart Disease).

The limited-time only sandwich is supposed to consist of chicken, olives, tomatoes, Tuscan spices, melted cheese, and a creamy spinach artichoke spread in between a folded piece of flatbread, but since Subway offers enough topping options to make extremely indecisive people freak out, I chose to fill my sandwich with provolone, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and cucumbers to go along with the chicken and creamy spread.

The flatbread has the characteristics of pita bread and Keira Knightley — white, soft, slightly chewy and, of course, flat. It isn’t freshly baked, like their regular breads are, but who fucking cares? Their meats aren’t slaughtered in the back and their vegetables aren’t picked from an organic greenhouse on the roof, so I think it’s okay that the flatbread isn’t fresh. I do recommend you get the flatbread toasted, which warms it up very nicely and can provides some temporary heat during these winter months if stuffed into the right clothing pockets.

The ingredient that stands out, but doesn’t overpower, is the creamy spinach artichoke spread, which tastes like spinach dip and makes this sandwich so much better than all the other Subway sandwiches I’ve consumed that I want to build a time machine so that I can give younger versions of me this sandwich right before I order whatever boring Subway sandwich I decided on at the time — and so that I can bet on the Giants instead of the Patriots in the last Super Bowl. If you do decide to try this, I highly recommend that you do not add any mustard, mayonnaise, or any other extra sauce to it because the creamy spinach artichoke spread is all you need. Although, like most creamy spinach dips, which contain cheese, mayonnaise and/or sour cream, I imagine it can’t be very good for you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread sandwich in front of me and I would like to spend some quality alone time with it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 520 calories, 22 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 1330 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 35 grams of protein, 25% Vitamin A, 30% Vitamin C, 40% Calcium, and 20% Iron.)

Item: Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread
Price: $4.99
Size: 7 inches
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: It’s the best Subway sandwich I’ve ever had, thanks to the creamy spinach artichoke spread. When toasted, it can provide some temporary warmth during these cold winter months. No trans fat. Watching the train wreck lives of child actors who get addicted to drugs.
Cons: Only available for a limited time. Not the healthiest thing on the Subway menu. Creamy spinach artichoke spread can’t be very healthy. High in sodium. Flatbread isn’t freshly baked. Losing money on the Patriots in the last Super Bowl.