REVIEW: Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich

The people running Subway might be the greatest salesmen in the world. They’ve positioned their sandwiches as health foods solely on the strength of one erstwhile fat guy’s crazy diet, and the five-dollar footlong campaigns have been so successful that they could actually ruin both the fast food and porn industries in one fell swoop. Subway’s marketing department has even had success in generating great publicity in fictional worlds, as seen by their support of Happy Gilmore’s epic quest to save his grandmother’s house and hook up with the hot blonde mom from Modern Family. At this point it almost feels ridiculous to doubt Subway’s ability to sell any and all of its products; you’re better off trying to dispute people’s enthusiasm for the new Harry Potter movie, hipsters’ willingness to wear sweaters in the summer, or my ability to use three sloppy analogies in a row.

And yet, I had doubts that a BBQ pulled pork sandwich could work at Subway. A pulled pork sandwich seems fundamentally different from all of Subway’s previous limited edition releases. Making a good pulled pork sandwich feels like it would require significantly more expertise than most other sandwiches. Also, judging by the number of hours dedicated to barbecue on the Food Network, people have a love for pulled pork that just doesn’t exist for, say, cold cut combos, so it would be extra disappointing if Subway did a poor job with a foodie-favorite. Finally, the sandwich costs $8.00, and at that price point you might as well spend the extra $2 and order two footlongs, which gets you double the porn jokes AND all your sodium for the week!

The process of actually ordering the sandwich did little to allay my doubts. The pulled pork was held in the same type of container as the tuna, which meant it was scooped out ice cream-style. I had assumed the pork would be held in the microwaveable cardboard trays; instead, the only heating the meat got was from the toasting of the overall sandwich. I watched in quiet anticipation of the barbecue sauce being added, but the woman behind the counter took my silence to mean I was satisfied with the current contents of my sandwich, and she began to wrap it up before I realized I had to specifically ask for the barbecue sauce. I suppose the Sandwich Artists can occasionally put together a masterpiece, but the output of this particular experience felt more like a poorly-followed color-by-numbers worksheet.

Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich Innards

By the time I sat down to actually eat, expectations were remarkably low. The pulled pork sandwich beat those expectations, though not by much. The pork was fairly flavorful, if a bit too salty, but the paste-like texture was rather unpleasant. I think the meat really could have benefited from a brief blast in the microwave, which possibly would have melted some fat and added some juiciness. The barbecue sauce was solid, with a nice smokiness and not too much sweetness, but because it was added last and not mixed in with the pulled pork, I was always acutely aware that I was eating “pulled pork with BBQ sauce on top” and not “BBQ pulled pork.”

Would I buy Subway’s BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich again? Probably not. Then again, I wouldn’t count out the Subway marketing team just yet. There could be some new jingle or a movie promotional tie-in that convinces me otherwise. Who knows, maybe they could even help make Adam Sandler movies funny again (but don’t hold your breath on that one).

(Nutrition Facts – 1 footlong – 570 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 1340 milligrams of sodium, 68 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 56 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 20% vitamin C, 30% calcium, and 25% iron.)

Item: Subway BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich
Price: $8.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Pulled pork was flavorful. Barbecue sauce was smoky and not too sweet. Subway’s marketing department. Old Adam Sandler movies.
Cons: Pulled pork was paste-like. Pork wasn’t heated up at all. Barbecue sauce wasn’t mixed in with the meat. Sandwich Artistry. The potential ruination of the porn industry. New Adam Sandler movies.

REVIEW: Subway Buffalo Chicken

Let’s say you’re a slut or a manwhore (and if you are, congratulations on catching herpes).

Eventually, all the one night stands with those whose names you’ve forgotten become a blur, and you’re unable to tell the differences between who or what you slept with. Sometimes it’s a woman. Sometimes it’s a man. Sometimes it’s a woman and man. Sometimes it’s more men and women than you can count on your hands. Sometimes it’s just a hole in the wall. Sometimes it’s a gearshift. But you don’t remember. For you, there is no walk of shame.

I’m not a manwhore, but I imagine it’s somewhat like watching sitcoms on CBS, since I can’t tell them apart. This is also how I feel about the new Subway Buffalo Chicken sub sandwich.

The limited time only sandwich is made up of chicken glazed with a buffalo sauce, a light ranch dressing and whatever veggies you like to pile into your monster phallic sandwich. The buffalo sauce isn’t very spicy and doesn’t have a strong flavor, but it could be that the light ranch dressing is doing some flavor cockblocking.

Because of its light flavor and because I’ve wrapped my mouth around so many Subway $5 footlongs, the Buffalo Chicken doesn’t stand out and it’s kind of bland. It just becomes part of the blur of meat, honey oat bread, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, olives, and cucumbers. Sometimes it’s a turkey breast. Sometimes it’s a cold cut combo. Sometimes it’s oven roasted chicken. Sometimes it’s a veggie delight. But to this subwhore, at this point, they all taste the same.

But what about those who don’t suck down Subway footlongs on a regular basis?

If they’re looking for a low-fat meal, a six-inch Buffalo Chicken has just seven grams of fat. But those people better also love sodium and hypertension, because it contains over 1,300 milligrams of sodium. For some, that’s half a day’s worth of sodium. For a slug, it means DOOM.

The Subway Buffalo Chicken was unremarkable because when I think of Buffalo Chicken, I think of strong flavors, but this sandwich lacked it. To me, it’s just another nameless notch in my bedpost.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 inches – 370 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 1300 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 25 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 35% vitamin C, 6% calcium and 15% iron.)

Item: Subway Buffalo Chicken
Price: $6.00
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Seven grams of fat in a six-inch sub. Rad source of protein.
Cons: Unremarkable. Weak flavor. Lots of sodium. Not very spicy. Doesn’t have a strong flavor. Light ranch seems to be a flavor cockblocker.

REVIEW: Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread

After trying the Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread sandwich, I have realized that all other Subway sandwiches are as boring as watching child actors who don’t get addicted to drugs grow. The simple formula of bread that’s fluffier than a Jonas Brothers’ hairstyle, meat, veggies, and condiments gave me an option when I wanted fast food, but didn’t feel like eating a burger and fries, fake Mexican food, mediocre pizza, or 11 secret herbs and spices.

But there hasn’t been anything from Subway that has blown my mind or made me dream of bouncing up and down on a bed of Subway sandwiches. It turns out I didn’t eat them because they were good, I ate them because they were better for me than most things I could get though a drive-thru window. However, the Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread sandwich is the first Subway menu item that I would want to take home, sleep with, and then cook breakfast for in the morning, although with some regret days later because of the fear of catching an SHD (Sandwich Heart Disease).

The limited-time only sandwich is supposed to consist of chicken, olives, tomatoes, Tuscan spices, melted cheese, and a creamy spinach artichoke spread in between a folded piece of flatbread, but since Subway offers enough topping options to make extremely indecisive people freak out, I chose to fill my sandwich with provolone, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and cucumbers to go along with the chicken and creamy spread.

The flatbread has the characteristics of pita bread and Keira Knightley — white, soft, slightly chewy and, of course, flat. It isn’t freshly baked, like their regular breads are, but who fucking cares? Their meats aren’t slaughtered in the back and their vegetables aren’t picked from an organic greenhouse on the roof, so I think it’s okay that the flatbread isn’t fresh. I do recommend you get the flatbread toasted, which warms it up very nicely and can provides some temporary heat during these winter months if stuffed into the right clothing pockets.

The ingredient that stands out, but doesn’t overpower, is the creamy spinach artichoke spread, which tastes like spinach dip and makes this sandwich so much better than all the other Subway sandwiches I’ve consumed that I want to build a time machine so that I can give younger versions of me this sandwich right before I order whatever boring Subway sandwich I decided on at the time — and so that I can bet on the Giants instead of the Patriots in the last Super Bowl. If you do decide to try this, I highly recommend that you do not add any mustard, mayonnaise, or any other extra sauce to it because the creamy spinach artichoke spread is all you need. Although, like most creamy spinach dips, which contain cheese, mayonnaise and/or sour cream, I imagine it can’t be very good for you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread sandwich in front of me and I would like to spend some quality alone time with it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 520 calories, 22 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 1330 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 35 grams of protein, 25% Vitamin A, 30% Vitamin C, 40% Calcium, and 20% Iron.)

Item: Subway Chicken Florentine Flatbread
Price: $4.99
Size: 7 inches
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: It’s the best Subway sandwich I’ve ever had, thanks to the creamy spinach artichoke spread. When toasted, it can provide some temporary warmth during these cold winter months. No trans fat. Watching the train wreck lives of child actors who get addicted to drugs.
Cons: Only available for a limited time. Not the healthiest thing on the Subway menu. Creamy spinach artichoke spread can’t be very healthy. High in sodium. Flatbread isn’t freshly baked. Losing money on the Patriots in the last Super Bowl.

REVIEW: Subway Chicken Pizziola

Ah…Subway, the only chain restaurant publicly endorsed by a formerly fat guy. I especially love their new marketing gimmick advertising the $5 footlong where everyone shows five fingers and then parts their hands about a foot apart. But I think that we all know what that “foot long” really represents: the male wang. And is it mere coincidence that the average wang is around 5 inches? I think not and I’m damn proud to say I have an average phallus. But you didn’t come here to hear me rant about male phallus conspiracies or penis euphemisms.

The Subway Chicken Pizziola sub supposedly fuses the awesome powers of chicken and pizza flavors. Of course, when you consider that Subway uses bland chicken and isn’t a pizza shop whatsoever, well, expectations fall flatter than a flaccid wang. It also doesn’t help that the full 12 inches is packing enough salt to kill a platoon of tough snails and has 32 grams of fat, which is probably why Jared isn’t anywhere near this sandwich. God bless his tiny little khakis.

This toasted sandwich comes standard with one of their breads, chicken, pepperoni slices, a cheese, and a marinara sauce as well as any extra toppings. I had mine outfitted with black olives, green peppers, and red onions. The marinara sauce was a little too sweet and overpowering, dominating the bland chicken and weak pepperoni slices. The fact that its papery condom came with red oily streaks is also a bit of a downer. Still, the bread was decent (certainly better than the kind that comes with a twisty tie or a plastic toe tag) and retained its toasty crunch after a short transport from the Subway to my cubicle at work. The veggie add-ons also provided some crunch and kept some of their flavor, thanks to the cheese’s protective barrier. It also helps that this sandwich is big enough to silence a hungry sex machine with a real footlong and it’s only five bucks before taxes.

The Subway Chicken Pizziola is not a bad sandwich, but certainly not a good one either. I think I’ll stick with their chicken bacon ranch footlong as my default Subway sandwich for the time being, even if it’s packing enough fat to shrink my wang into the folds of my flesh.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 footlong – 880 calories, 32 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 160 milligrams of cholesterol, 3040 milligrams of sodium, 96 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 61 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Chicken Pizziola
Price: $5.30
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Big enough to satisfy a hungry sex machine. Being proud of having an average “footlong” Penis euphemisms. The awesome powers of pizza and chicken, tiny khakis, and sex machines. $5.
Cons: Male phallus conspiracies. Overpowering sweet tomato sauce. Bland chicken. Weak pepperoni. 3,040 milligrams of sodium. Flaccid and shrinking wangs.

REVIEW: Subway Club Salad

Subway Club Salad

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to Day Four of Salad Week here at The Impulsive Buy. Thank goodness the week is almost done, because my body has been acting strange with all of these vegetables. I actually had green poop yesterday. Anyway, here’s today’s review. Enjoy.)

Subway is known for making their sandwiches fresh, turning Jared Fogle into a celebrity, and giving adolescent boys another opportunity to snicker when they hear the words “foot long.”

They are also known for their Sandwich Artists, which we all know is just a nice term for “the person behind the counter.” Armed with fresh baked bread, fresh ingredients, disposable gloves, a bread knife, and possibly, tender loving care, Sandwich Artists will create your sandwich they way you like it.

However, I wasn’t in Subway for a sandwich, I was there for a salad.

I ordered a Subway Club Salad, which according to the Subway website, was supposed to contain roast beef, turkey breast, ham, chopped iceberg lettuce, baby spinach, red onions, tomatoes, cucumber slices, green pepper strips, black olive slices, and carrots.

However, the Subway Sandwich Artist apparently was also a Subway Salad Artist and instead of automatically putting in the ingredients listed on the website, she asked me what kind of vegetables I wanted. At first, I was surprised by this, but I eventually began to go down the list: Lettuce, tomatoes, onions, olives, etc.

The same vegetables they use in the sandwiches are the same ones used in the salad. Unfortunately, they didn’t have baby spinach. As for the roast beef, turkey, and ham, the slices were just slapped on top of the vegetables.

Now I don’t know if my Subway Salad Artist was going for an abstract look with my salad, but it did have it with the round tomato slices and the oblong slices of meat. I wondered if she was trying to create a harmonious arrangement of colors representing life with the salad, or if she was trying to say, “I hate my job as a Subway Sandwich/Salad Artist.”

After my Subway Salad Artist was done, I quickly realized I had just ordered a six-inch Subway sandwich without a bun, or “Atkins style” for you low-carb folks. Oh yeah, speaking of Atkins, I ended getting the Atkins Honey Mustard Dressing to put on top of my salad.

So basically, this salad was a six-inch Subway sandwich, without the bun, and it was the same price as a foot long sandwich. Heh, heh, heh…Foot long.

I felt ripped off.

Eating the salad made me feel even worse. There was way too much iceberg lettuce, which again, has even less nutritional value than David Blaine has magical powers. Also, the salad dressing had that typical Atkins taste, and I use the term “taste” loosely.

I think I’ll just stick to Subway sandwiches from now on.


Item: Subway Club Salad
Purchase Price: $5.89
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Made fresh. Made your way.
Cons: Very pricey. Too much iceberg lettuce. High-sodium. Atkins Honey Mustard Dressing was weak.