Month: October 2004

I’M PISSED OFF!!!

Who the hell are you “texas holdem” and “your lazy ass” and why are you two sending me comment spam that makes absolutely no sense?

“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,” says texas holdem. Well you know what, I appreciate that you will die for my right to say whatever I want, so to show my appreciation I want to tell you that you’re a big fat ass.

Also, what’s up with your name “texas holdem?” Let me guess, your tiny brain came up with that name while watching the World Series of Poker on ESPN. You unoriginal bastard!

Okay, calm down. Think of your happy place.

Just do my review on The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by Dr. David Niven, so I can get happy and not remain SO F#@KIN’ PISSED OFF!!!

Simple secret #90: Surround yourself with pleasant aromas.

Okay, I’ve plugged in an air freshener. Aaaah, the smell of berry, it’s such a pleasant smell.

“There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.” WTF, texas holdem! Have you been watching too much Codename: Kids Next Door on the Cartoon Network?

Calm down. SON OF A BIT…Calm down.

Simple secret #82: Don’t dwell on unwinnable conflicts.

Okay, I can’t beat him. I can’t beat him. I can’t beat him.

But I can imagine giving him a beat down! You’re lucky my pillow isn’t you, because I’ve opened a can of whoop-ass on it!

Be calm. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Simple secret #42: Try to think less about the people and things that bother you.

Okay, I’m clearing texas holdem from my mind.

“3104 please visit us to get your dick up or you can also get a mack over at our beauty site. or clcik this link if you are fat or wnt to seend a card.” What the hell is this, your lazy ass?

If you’re gonna send me comment spam, the least you can do is spell check the crap. Texas holdem spell checks whatever he spews, why can’t you?

Relax. Calm down. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

Simple secret #96: Say “So What.”

So what if I’m getting comment spam from two punk asses, I’ll just keep deleting their comments and add another Word Press plug-in.

“Proper names are rigid designators.” You know what, texas holdem, I think you’re right about this one, you F#$KIN’ S@%TFACED B#@CH-ASS TURD. (Okay, I could’ve spelled it out, but eh…this is a family blog.)

You like that name? It’s not proper. It’s not rigid. I think it’s perfect for you.

Aaaah, I feel much happier now.

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Item: The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven, Ph.D.
Purchase Price: $9.56 (Amazon.com)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: An easy and fast read. I feel much better and happier. Inexpensive book.
Cons: Comment spam sucks.

About three hours ago, I purchased the new U2 single “Vertigo.” Actually, it’s not really that new, since it was released a month ago on the iTunes Music Store.

When I first heard of the new U2 song, I was looking forward to listening to it, since I’m a semi-U2 fan. However, after listening to the 30-second preview of the song the day it was released, I didn’t feel compelled to purchase it, even though I knew I could afford the 99-cent price tag with the money I had in my coffee mug of loose change that says, “Caffeine is my friend. SO LEAVE ME THE F#@K ALONE!”

“Vertigo” wasn’t the best U2 song I ever heard, but it also wasn’t the worst, which I think is “Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home).”

After a couple of weeks, I totally forgot about the song.

However, the world suddenly made sure that I would have that song tattooed on my brain.

First, they started playing the song on the radio, which I listen to while taking a shower. I swear it seemed like every time I was in the shower the radio station played “Vertigo.”

Then the iPod commercial featuring the song started playing during all the shows I was watching like South Park, the Daily Show, and the baseball playoffs.

(Okay, I was going to go on a tangent about the Boston Red Sox finally winning another World Series after 86 years and how I was balling like a little wuss because I was happy that they won, but I’ll let the thousands of blogs belonging to other Red Sox fans do that.)

I knew the song was slowly getting to me, because I was lip-syncing the words, like I was Ashlee Simpson. I wanted to get sick of the song, but it wasn’t happening because I was listening to the song on someone else’s terms.

So I decided, if I wanna get sick of this song, I’m gonna have to get sick of it on MY terms.

So I purchased the song and within the past three hours I’ve listened to the song 56 times straight, but I don’t think I’m sick of it.

Actually, I’m beginning to like the song. Not only am I lip-syncing during the song, I’m also playing air guitar.

DAMMIT!!! That wasn’t my intention!!! I was supposed to get sick of the song!!! Damn catchy hook!!!

Maybe another 56 straight times will do it.

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Item: U2 – Vertigo Single
Purchase Price: $0.99 (iTunes Music Store)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Somewhat catchy. 99 cents. Better Ashlee Simpson joke in today’s review.
Cons: By far, not the best U2 song. I’m not sick of it yet.

Wh-wh-what?

Review?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry folks, I was just drooling over the new iPod Photo and crying because my third-generation iPod is slowly becoming less and less cool. If I had the money I would get an iPod Photo in a heartbeat, but this gig as the editor of a quasi-review blog doesn’t pay much.

Okay, it doesn’t pay anything at all.

So with the end of October coming up, it’s time to honor what this month is most known for. That’s right folks, National Dental Hygiene Month.

Now some of you may email us about the fact that we probably have dishonored National Dental Hygiene Month by giving positive reviews this month to such sugary products as Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, Shasta Tiki Punch, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts, and Rockstar Energy Drink. All I have to say to that is, quoting my favorite infomercial star Anthony Robbins, “The past does not equal the future.”

As editor of the Impulsive Buy, I promise that we will honor National Dental Hygiene Month by not reviewing any more sugary sweet products this month.

So that means in about four days, October will be over and then it’s back to the sugary sweet stuff.

Today we will be reviewing the Crest Whitening Expressions Variety Pack, which contains .85-ounce tubes of the four flavors of the Crest Whitening Expressions family: Cinnamon Rush, Extreme Herbal Mint, Refreshing Vanilla Mint, and Fresh Citrus Breeze.

The ONLY reason why I decided to buy this variety pack was to mix flavors.

Over the past month, it’s been fun trying every flavor combination possible and coming up with new flavor names in the process, like Fresh Herbal Citrus Mint Breeze.

My favorite flavor was Extreme Cinnaminy Minty Rush.

My least favorite flavor was Minty Vanilli Frashlee Cinnasimpson Breeze. (Okay I admit it, I was reaching for a Milli Vanilli/Ashlee Simpson joke and failed horribly.)

One of the big things I didn’t like about the product was the price. Although the Crest variety pack was on sale, it really wasn’t. (Did I blow your mind with that?)

You see, awhile back we reviewed a six-ounce tube of Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze toothpaste, which we bought at a regular price of $3.29.

With the Crest variety pack you’re paying $3.49 for only 3.4 ounces of toothpaste, which is a total rip-off.

Although variety packs have been proven to be good for sliced deli meat, potato chips, and condoms, I’m not sure if I can say the same for toothpaste.

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Item: Crest Whitening Expressions Variety Pack
Purchase Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Variety. Opportunity to create new toothpaste flavors.
Cons: Really expensive for 3.4 ounces of toothpaste. Can’t afford iPod Photo.

Why is it that blue colored products are great at making things hard?

First it was Viagra and now it’s Sexy Hair Concepts Hard Up hair gel.

Over the years, I’ve tried so many products to get my hair up, but nothing worked. Some products made it stiff for a little while, but within an hour, it was limp.

It was embarrassing. How could I be confident around women when I knew my hair was going to get flaccid?

My stylist understood what I was going though and she did everything in her power to help me out. She tried various things. One product worked well, but when it dried out, it flaked, making me look like I had a really bad case of dandruff. Although most of the products made my hair hard, none of the products she tried gave me the lengthy stiffness that I wanted.

So how long did I want this stiffness to last? I wanted it to last the whole day, because you never know when I might meet the woman of my dreams.

This went on for over a year and throughout that year I remained girlfriend-less, embarrassed by my limp body part.

However, during another appointment, my stylist introduced me to the greatest product ever, Sexy Hair Concepts Hard Up hair gel. She put it on me and I could feel my hair getting hard, then it got harder and harder. I was so excited.

Then my stylist said to touch her hands.

When I touched them, they were really sticky. I never used a product that could get hands so sticky, but that stickiness was probably why it made my hair rock hard.

I had found hair gel nirvana and I had a big smile on my face. Finally, I didn’t have to worry about my hair looking limp around women.

Although Hard Up hair gel is a great product, it’s really expensive.

The 4.2-ounce tube will cost about $10, the 8.5-ounce pump can be bought for around $16, and the 16.9-ounce pump (pictured above) costs around $30. So like peanut butter, toilet paper, blank CDs, and ketchup, I recommend you buy it in bulk.

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Item: Sexy Hair Concepts Hard Up Hair Gel
Purchase Price: $30.00 (16.9 ounces)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Makes things really hard. The best hair gel EVER. No flaking. Dries fast.
Cons: Expensive, but worth it. Not good for those who don’t like sticky messes.

Who would have thought shredding paper with a Fiskars 12″ Portable Paper Trimmer would be so therapeutic?

I spent the whole weekend shredding whatever paper I could find like credit card statements, ATM receipts, pictures of ex-girlfriends, and some letters about President Bush’s service in the Air National Guard.

I don’t know what it is about shredding paper that makes it so relaxing. Maybe it’s the mindlessness of it or it could be the sound of the tearing paper, or as I like to call it, the screams of the paper.

So if anyone needs confetti or paper for paper mache, you let me know.

Okay, after our success in tricking encouraging blogging moms to visit the Impulsive Buy, we decided to target another apparently semi-large group of bloggers: Crafting bloggers.

They are much smaller than the mom blog demographic, but much bigger than the dad blog demographic. Don’t believe me? I’d list them, but your computer or phone will break.

So this review is a blatant and shameless attempt to bring in the crafting blog audience, with my review of the Fiskars 12″ Portable Paper Trimmer.

I bought the Fiskars Paper Trimmer for one reason. (Okay, there are two. But I’m keeping the tricking-the-crafting-bloggers reason on the down low. Um…Maybe I shouldn’t have typed that last sentence and the previous paragraph.) That ONE reason is because I have trouble cutting in a straight line. I think this is because I’m left-handed and I’m using a right-handed scissors or because I drink waaay too much caffeine.

So far I’ve been very happy with my Fiskars Paper Trimmer, although I have absolutely no idea how crafters would use this to make crafts, besides paper mache. I do know that this paper trimmer is way better than scissors, because unlike scissors, you can run with it in your hand, without the worry of hurting yourself.

Can you see me running around with it?

Look I’m running!

Whoa!

Owww!

Item: Fiskars 12″ Portable Paper Trimmer
Purchase Price: $16.99
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Cuts paper. Swing-out ruler for measurements up to 15″. Bonus replacement blade. Almost safe to run with. Makes a soothing sound when cutting through paper.
Cons: Trimming paper can become addicting.