I’M PISSED OFF!!!

Who the hell are you “texas holdem” and “your lazy ass” and why are you two sending me comment spam that makes absolutely no sense?

“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,” says texas holdem. Well you know what, I appreciate that you will die for my right to say whatever I want, so to show my appreciation I want to tell you that you’re a big fat ass.

Also, what’s up with your name “texas holdem?” Let me guess, your tiny brain came up with that name while watching the World Series of Poker on ESPN. You unoriginal bastard!

Okay, calm down. Think of your happy place.

Just do my review on The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by Dr. David Niven, so I can get happy and not remain SO F#@KIN’ PISSED OFF!!!

Simple secret #90: Surround yourself with pleasant aromas.

Okay, I’ve plugged in an air freshener. Aaaah, the smell of berry, it’s such a pleasant smell.

“There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.” WTF, texas holdem! Have you been watching too much Codename: Kids Next Door on the Cartoon Network?

Calm down. SON OF A BIT…Calm down.

Simple secret #82: Don’t dwell on unwinnable conflicts.

Okay, I can’t beat him. I can’t beat him. I can’t beat him.

But I can imagine giving him a beat down! You’re lucky my pillow isn’t you, because I’ve opened a can of whoop-ass on it!

Be calm. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Simple secret #42: Try to think less about the people and things that bother you.

Okay, I’m clearing texas holdem from my mind.

“3104 please visit us to get your dick up or you can also get a mack over at our beauty site. or clcik this link if you are fat or wnt to seend a card.” What the hell is this, your lazy ass?

If you’re gonna send me comment spam, the least you can do is spell check the crap. Texas holdem spell checks whatever he spews, why can’t you?

Relax. Calm down. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

Simple secret #96: Say “So What.”

So what if I’m getting comment spam from two punk asses, I’ll just keep deleting their comments and add another Word Press plug-in.

“Proper names are rigid designators.” You know what, texas holdem, I think you’re right about this one, you F#$KIN’ S@%TFACED B#@CH-ASS TURD. (Okay, I could’ve spelled it out, but eh…this is a family blog.)

You like that name? It’s not proper. It’s not rigid. I think it’s perfect for you.

Aaaah, I feel much happier now.

Item: The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven, Ph.D.
Purchase Price: $9.56 (Amazon.com)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: An easy and fast read. I feel much better and happier. Inexpensive book.
Cons: Comment spam sucks.

About three hours ago, I purchased the new U2 single “Vertigo.” Actually, it’s not really that new, since it was released a month ago on the iTunes Music Store.

When I first heard of the new U2 song, I was looking forward to listening to it, since I’m a semi-U2 fan. However, after listening to the 30-second preview of the song the day it was released, I didn’t feel compelled to purchase it, even though I knew I could afford the 99-cent price tag with the money I had in my coffee mug of loose change that says, “Caffeine is my friend. SO LEAVE ME THE F#@K ALONE!”

“Vertigo” wasn’t the best U2 song I ever heard, but it also wasn’t the worst, which I think is “Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home).”

After a couple of weeks, I totally forgot about the song.

However, the world suddenly made sure that I would have that song tattooed on my brain.

First, they started playing the song on the radio, which I listen to while taking a shower. I swear it seemed like every time I was in the shower the radio station played “Vertigo.”

Then the iPod commercial featuring the song started playing during all the shows I was watching like South Park, the Daily Show, and the baseball playoffs.

(Okay, I was going to go on a tangent about the Boston Red Sox finally winning another World Series after 86 years and how I was balling like a little wuss because I was happy that they won, but I’ll let the thousands of blogs belonging to other Red Sox fans do that.)

I knew the song was slowly getting to me, because I was lip-syncing the words, like I was Ashlee Simpson. I wanted to get sick of the song, but it wasn’t happening because I was listening to the song on someone else’s terms.

So I decided, if I wanna get sick of this song, I’m gonna have to get sick of it on MY terms.

So I purchased the song and within the past three hours I’ve listened to the song 56 times straight, but I don’t think I’m sick of it.

Actually, I’m beginning to like the song. Not only am I lip-syncing during the song, I’m also playing air guitar.

DAMMIT!!! That wasn’t my intention!!! I was supposed to get sick of the song!!! Damn catchy hook!!!

Maybe another 56 straight times will do it.

Item: U2 – Vertigo Single
Purchase Price: $0.99 (iTunes Music Store)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Somewhat catchy. 99 cents. Better Ashlee Simpson joke in today’s review.
Cons: By far, not the best U2 song. I’m not sick of it yet.

Wh-wh-what?

Review?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry folks, I was just drooling over the new iPod Photo and crying because my third-generation iPod is slowly becoming less and less cool. If I had the money I would get an iPod Photo in a heartbeat, but this gig as the editor of a quasi-review blog doesn’t pay much.

Okay, it doesn’t pay anything at all.

So with the end of October coming up, it’s time to honor what this month is most known for. That’s right folks, National Dental Hygiene Month.

Now some of you may email us about the fact that we probably have dishonored National Dental Hygiene Month by giving positive reviews this month to such sugary products as Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, Shasta Tiki Punch, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts, and Rockstar Energy Drink. All I have to say to that is, quoting my favorite infomercial star Anthony Robbins, “The past does not equal the future.”

As editor of the Impulsive Buy, I promise that we will honor National Dental Hygiene Month by not reviewing any more sugary sweet products this month.

So that means in about four days, October will be over and then it’s back to the sugary sweet stuff.

Today we will be reviewing the Crest Whitening Expressions Variety Pack, which contains .85-ounce tubes of the four flavors of the Crest Whitening Expressions family: Cinnamon Rush, Extreme Herbal Mint, Refreshing Vanilla Mint, and Fresh Citrus Breeze.

The ONLY reason why I decided to buy this variety pack was to mix flavors.

Over the past month, it’s been fun trying every flavor combination possible and coming up with new flavor names in the process, like Fresh Herbal Citrus Mint Breeze.

My favorite flavor was Extreme Cinnaminy Minty Rush.

My least favorite flavor was Minty Vanilli Frashlee Cinnasimpson Breeze. (Okay I admit it, I was reaching for a Milli Vanilli/Ashlee Simpson joke and failed horribly.)

One of the big things I didn’t like about the product was the price. Although the Crest variety pack was on sale, it really wasn’t. (Did I blow your mind with that?)

You see, awhile back we reviewed a six-ounce tube of Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze toothpaste, which we bought at a regular price of $3.29.

With the Crest variety pack you’re paying $3.49 for only 3.4 ounces of toothpaste, which is a total rip-off.

Although variety packs have been proven to be good for sliced deli meat, potato chips, and condoms, I’m not sure if I can say the same for toothpaste.

Item: Crest Whitening Expressions Variety Pack
Purchase Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Variety. Opportunity to create new toothpaste flavors.
Cons: Really expensive for 3.4 ounces of toothpaste. Can’t afford iPod Photo.

Why is it that blue colored products are great at making things hard?

First it was Viagra and now it’s Sexy Hair Concepts Hard Up hair gel.

Over the years, I’ve tried so many products to get my hair up, but nothing worked. Some products made it stiff for a little while, but within an hour, it was limp.

It was embarrassing. How could I be confident around women when I knew my hair was going to get flaccid?

My stylist understood what I was going though and she did everything in her power to help me out. She tried various things. One product worked well, but when it dried out, it flaked, making me look like I had a really bad case of dandruff. Although most of the products made my hair hard, none of the products she tried gave me the lengthy stiffness that I wanted.

So how long did I want this stiffness to last? I wanted it to last the whole day, because you never know when I might meet the woman of my dreams.

This went on for over a year and throughout that year I remained girlfriend-less, embarrassed by my limp body part.

However, during another appointment, my stylist introduced me to the greatest product ever, Sexy Hair Concepts Hard Up hair gel. She put it on me and I could feel my hair getting hard, then it got harder and harder. I was so excited.

Then my stylist said to touch her hands.

When I touched them, they were really sticky. I never used a product that could get hands so sticky, but that stickiness was probably why it made my hair rock hard.

I had found hair gel nirvana and I had a big smile on my face. Finally, I didn’t have to worry about my hair looking limp around women.

Although Hard Up hair gel is a great product, it’s really expensive.

The 4.2-ounce tube will cost about $10, the 8.5-ounce pump can be bought for around $16, and the 16.9-ounce pump (pictured above) costs around $30. So like peanut butter, toilet paper, blank CDs, and ketchup, I recommend you buy it in bulk.

Item: Sexy Hair Concepts Hard Up Hair Gel
Purchase Price: $30.00 (16.9 ounces)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Makes things really hard. The best hair gel EVER. No flaking. Dries fast.
Cons: Expensive, but worth it. Not good for those who don’t like sticky messes.

Sorry for the late review today.

Who would have thought shredding paper with a Fiskars 12” Portable Paper Trimmer would be so therapeutic?

I spent the whole weekend shredding whatever paper I could find like credit card statements, ATM receipts, pictures of ex-girlfriends, and some letters about President Bush’s service in the Air National Guard.

I don’t know what it is about shredding paper that makes it so relaxing. Maybe it’s the mindlessness of it or it could be the sound of the tearing paper, or as I like to call it, the screams of the paper.

So if anyone needs confetti or paper for paper mache, you let me know.

Okay, after our success in tricking encouraging blogging moms to visit the Impulsive Buy, we decided to target another apparently semi-large group of bloggers: Crafting bloggers.

They are much smaller than the mom blog demographic, but much bigger than the dad blog demographic. Don’t believe me? Here’s a SMALL sample of crafting blogs: Example #1, Example #2, Example #3, Example #4, Example #5, Example #6, Example #7, Example #8, Example #9, Example #10. Believe me, there are many more I could’ve added, but I really do want to publish this review today.

So this review is a blatant and shameless attempt to bring in the crafting blog audience, with my review of the Fiskars 12” Portable Paper Trimmer.

I bought the Fiskars Paper Trimmer for one reason. (Okay, there are two. But I’m keeping the tricking-the-crafting-bloggers reason on the down low. Um…Maybe I shouldn’t have typed that last sentence and the previous paragraph.) That ONE reason is because I have trouble cutting in a straight line. I think this is because I’m left-handed and I’m using a right-handed scissors or because I drink waaay too much caffeine.

So far I’ve been very happy with my Fiskars Paper Trimmer, although I have absolutely no idea how crafters would use this to make crafts, besides paper mache. I do know that this paper trimmer is way better than scissors, because unlike scissors, you can run with it in your hand, without the worry of hurting yourself.

Can you see me running around with it?

Look I’m running!

Whoa!

Owww!

Item: Fiskars 12” Portable Paper Trimmer
Purchase Price: $16.99
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Cuts paper. Swing-out ruler for measurements up to 15”. Bonus replacement blade. Almost safe to run with. Makes a soothing sound when cutting through paper.
Cons: Trimming paper can become addicting.

As you can see we’ve made a few minor changes around here at the Impulsive Buy. We’ve changed the main color of the site from blue to orange, because of the upcoming Halloween holiday.

What? You don’t see the orange?

Well clear your browser’s cache and everything should be all right.

We’ve also added a link on the right that shows ALL of our previous reviews. The cool thing about it is that you can sort it according to date, category, or title. Have fun with it and take a look at our past reviews and see why we will never be the next Consumer Reports.

Today, we also pulled the winners of the first ever Impulsive Buy prize drawing. There were only nine eligible entries, because some people can’t follow simple instructions.

The six winners have been emailed. So if you haven’t received an email from us, you’re a LOSER!!!

LOSER…Until possibly the next prize drawing.

Have a nice weekend.

It’s not often that we get asked to review something, but regular Impulsive Buy reader Sam asked if we could review a medicated hand wash that can be used at Sam’s fly training stable.

Yeah, you read right. Fly training stable.

Well we just happened to have picked up a product at the superstore behemoth that could come in really handy for Sam, Wet Ones Kids Antibacterial Wipes.

To be honest, we actually picked up this product so that the Impulsive Buy could bring in readers from the apparently HUGE mom blog demographic. For example, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, and let’s not forget this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, and this one.

The Wet Ones Kids are like the medicated wipes you get when you eat at KFC, except without the medicated smell.

The 24 individually wrapped wipes came in two fun scents: wild watermelon and ballistic berry. Both scents reminded us of watermelon and grape Bubblicious bubble gum. As a matter of fact, they smelled so good that after wiping my hands with them, I soon realized that this is the first product ever that made me consider self-cannibalism. Or at least made me want to chew myself.

These antibacterial wipes are a convenient way for people to clean their hands and faces whenever soap and water are not around and they’re a great way to clean the toilet seats in public restrooms, because there are going to be times when sanitary toilet seat covers and three layers of toilet paper just isn’t enough.

One of the great things about this product was that the scent lasts for hours. I liked the smell so much that I found myself occasionally smelling my hands, which eventually led me to cupping my hands over my mouth and nose, smelling them until the scent faded. When it did fade, I opened another Wet Ones. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another.

After an intervention with the others at the Impulsive Buy, the Wet Ones Kids were taken away from me.

Besides them being taken away from me, another thing I didn’t like about the Wet Ones Kids was the sticky feeling I got when I used one. Eventually it goes away once it dries, but when it’s sticky you don’t feel like touching anything.

Out of the 24 individually wrapped wipes, there’s only 8 left after my so-called “episode.”

So it looks like the Impulsive Buy will have another prize drawing coming up.

Unless I get my hands on them first.

Item: Wet Ones Kids Antibacterial Wipes
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Smells good enough to eat or chew. Makes a great prize for a future drawing. Great for all those blogging moms.
Cons: Smells good enough to eat or chew. Leaves a temporary sticky feeling.

We at the Impulsive Buy recently noticed that a majority of the reviews have been about food and beverages.

Okay. To tell you the truth, WE actually didn’t notice this.

We read it in a nice review about the Impulsive Buy at the Weblog Review. In the same review, we also learnt that our grammar isn’t the bestest, but who’s is.

So for the next few reviews, we’ve decided to take a break from food and beverages. Unfortunately, the next seven reviews we had planned to do were ALL food and beverage reviews like, The Incredibles cereal, Campbell’s Chunky Chili, and Mountain Dew Livewire.

Since we pushed those reviews back, we were forced to scramble to find items to review. However, this gave us a good reason to visit the new megastore behemoth that just opened up and face the large crowds that came with that behemoth.

That visit, though, gave us some good things at “Everyday Low Prices” to review.

However, today’s review was something I found in my shower. Today I’m going to take a look at Suave Aroma Benefits Citrus & Ginseng Moisturizing Body Wash.

Now you may be thinking that this body wash sounds kind of girly and it may not be something I would’ve used after what happened with the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus the other day. However, the women say they like the way I smell when using these body washes. So I’m going to give the women what they want, except from what I’ve learned, a willingness to open up emotionally and foreplay.

We all know what citrus is, but what exactly is ginseng?

I decided to look it up in the most used reference around. That’s right folks, Google.

Ginseng is a dried root that is believed to improve energy and vitality. There are studies that show it can also help with normalizing glucose levels, stimulate immune functions, and treat male impotence. Not only can you ingest it in pill form, it is also found in consumer products like energy drinks.

Since this product is a body wash, I don’t know how I’m supposed to reap the benefits of the ginseng without ingesting it. I would try to taste the body wash, but that would definitely bring back the bad memories I had with my fifth grade teacher and my use of certain four-letter words in class.

So is the ginseng absorbed through my pores? Or maybe the “Aroma Benefits” part of the name has something to do with it? But how can it do any good when I really don’t like the aroma of it?

At least, I can keep clean.

The bottom line: Ginseng is good for energy drinks and erections, but not so good for moisturizing body washes.

Item: Suave Aroma Benefits Citrus & Ginseng Moisturizing Body Wash
Purchase Price: $1.99 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Gets me clean. Ginseng. Cheap.
Cons: I don’t feel like I got any benefits from the aroma. Weird aroma.

“Party like a rockstar,” is the slogan of the Rockstar Energy Drink and that’s exactly what I tried to do last night at the 50th review party.

Prior to the party, I watched the Guns N’ Roses and Def Leppard VH1 Behind the Music specials. I did this so I could find out how rock stars party. Unfortunately, the Impulsive Buy doesn’t have access to cocaine, large amounts of alcohol, groupies, or big hair.

Nonetheless, we had one crazy 50th review party last night.

Between you and me, it was so crazy that I’m glad no one took pictures. I don’t want scandalous pictures floating around, just in case I plan to run for public office.

I’m also glad we found a use for that pole in the middle of The Impulsive Buy laboratory. Okay it wasn’t US who found a good use, it was a busty Asian girl that my friend hired named Candy. Let me tell you, she was very flexible.

It was a long night and I’m glad I tanked that Rockstar Energy Drink, or else I wouldn’t have made it through the evening and I wouldn’t have had enough energy to write this review.

Okay. Okay. None of that happened. There was no party. There was no alcohol. There was no busty Asian girl named Candy. I just wanted to make it seem like the life of a quasi-review blog editor was exciting, like the editors of other blogs (Like this one and this one).

Instead my night was spent watching The Daily Show on Comedy Central and MXC on Spike TV. Then I wrote this review and went to sleep.

Although, I really did drink a Rockstar Energy Drink and I have to say, all of these energy drinks pretty much have the same sweet and tart taste. I guess they come so close because they’ve got almost the same stuff: Taurine, guarana, inositol, and other things that I have trouble pronouncing.

Another thing that bothered me about Rockstar Energy Drink is that there’s something communist-looking about the can. It looks like a Russian graphic designer designed it during the Cold War.

Maybe it’s just me.

Or maybe it’s not just me. On the side of the can, there’s an American flag with the words “American Made” under it. If the can wasn’t communist-looking, would it have that American flag? I don’t think so.

Item: Rockstar Energy Drink
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Lots of caffeine (75 milligrams). Big ass 16 ounce can. American made. USA! USA! USA!
Cons: Tastes much like other energy drinks. Communist-looking can. No busty Asian girl named Candy.

Today we celebrate a milestone here at The Impulsive Buy.

It’s our 50th review!!!

Holy crap! Fifty reviews!

We’re just as surprised as you are. None of us thought we would even reach five reviews. We thought we would get bored like we always do, like we did with the illegal iPod pyramid scheme and the O-Town Fan Club.

So to celebrate the fact that we didn’t get bored, we…

What? The review?

Awww, come on. Do I have to do one?

Can I do a review where I devote very little time about the product and spend a lot of time talking about something else?

We do that already?

Okay, here goes the mandatory review.

Lipton Green Tea with Honey Ice Tea. 99 cents. On sale. Weak taste. Needs more sugar. Low calorie. Comes in glass bottle. Do not drop bottle, it might shatter. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

So where was I?

Oh yeah. To celebrate the fact that we didn’t get bored, we will be having our first ever drawing.

What are we giving away?

We’re giving away Oral-B Brush-Ups, which we reviewed a while back. We’ve got six of them left, so six “lucky” winners will each receive one (1) Oral-B Brush-Up.

Yeah, we know…We’re cheap bastards.

We were thinking about giving away Gmail invitations, like other blogs do, but we don’t have any. Actually, none of us here have even received an invitation. We think we’re going to be the last people in the blogging world to get one, which we don’t mind because we’re used to being the last for everything, like being picked for dodge ball and seeing the movie Titanic, which some of us still haven’t seen.

Added at 11:00 am – Okay enough with the rubbing it in. We know. Everyone has Gmail invitations, except us. By the way, thanks to those who sent some our way.

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review. Leave a comment that praises. Leave a comment that says how much we suck. Leave a comment about how much you love the McDonald’s Chicken Selects buffalo sauce. Just don’t forget to fill out the email field, because if you win, we will be emailing you to get your mailing address. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of that, no matter where you are.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on October 19, 2004. We will stop accepting entries on October 21, 2004 at 11:59 pm (Hawaii Standard Time). If you need help determining what time 11:59 pm in Honolulu is in your neck of the woods go here.

Only one entry allowed per person.

Entries will be stuffed into a box that will be waaay too big for the five entries we expect to get for this drawing and then the winning entries will be drawn from this box.

So enter today!!!

Fine Print: Each Oral-B Brush-Up is individually wrapped. We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about Viagra or breast implants. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you credit card or magazine applications. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.

Item: Lipton Green Tea with Honey Ice Tea
Purchase Price: $0.99
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cheap, but not even close to how cheap the prizes in this drawing are. Low calories.
Cons: Very light taste. Not as sweet as other green tea drinks.