Month: November 2004

Sorry there wasn’t a review yesterday.

I thought it was going to be easy getting over the bright lights, booze, buffets, brisk weather, booze, Blue Man Group, boobs, and booze of Las Vegas. It took a day to recover, but now I’m back to normal.

Anyway, every year my hair stylist gives me a gift for Christmas, which consists of hair products. Last Christmas, she gave me KMS Hair Gel. However, I didn’t have a chance to use it, since at about the same time I found the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER!

Recently, I ran out of the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER, so I was forced to use the KMS Hair Gel.

After a few days of using it, I found that the KMS Hair Gel broke my Three Laws of Hair Gel: (1) Must smell good. (2) Stiffness must last significantly longer than Levitra. (3) Must not flake and make it appear like I have REALLY bad dandruff.

The GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER met all of these qualifications with flying colors, but unfortunately the KMS Hair Gel failed badly at all three. First, it had this weird chemical smell. Second, the stiffness disappeared quickly, just like when I got caught masturbating by my mom. Finally, it made my hair look like I took a walk while it was snowing. Unfortunately, here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean it doesn’t snow, so no one will think it’s snow.

So after a few days of limp, chemical-smelling hair with white flakes, I frantically headed over to my hair stylist like I was a crackhead or a Walmart shopper waiting to buy a $30 DVD player. I bought more of the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER and promised it that I would never stray again.

Now before I found out how crappy the KMS Hair Gel was, I wanted to give my hair stylist something in return for the gift she gave me. I thought about a few things I could give her, but I felt those things weren’t appropriate, since they were in my wet dreams. Also, I wasn’t going to spend money, because as many of you know, I’m a cheap bastard.

So I decided to write and perform a song for her, which I called, “The Sexiest Man Alive.”

(Note: I REALLY suck at playing the guitar and I REALLY have a horrible singing voice.)

The Sexiest Man Alive

Can I get a Mohawk, just like Mr. T?
I’ll use 1-800-C-O-L-L-E-C-T.
I’ll buy some gold chains and pity the fool.
I can help people save a buck or two.

My hair is yours to do what you like.
No Flowbee could do what you can.
Like prevent me from looking stupid cutting my hair with a vacuum in my hand.
Put some hair gel on and after it’s dried.
Just maybe I’ll be the sexiest man alive.

Item: KMS Hair Stay Styling Gel
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: It was free.
Cons: Hold doesn’t last. Flakes easily. Chemical smell. WORST HAIR GEL EVER!!!

(Editor’s Note: We decided to start a new feature here at The Impulsive Buy that we’re calling Guest Reviews, where we have other bloggers write reviews, because sometimes we’re REALLY lazy to do our own. We’ll try to do this once a month, so if you’re interested in writing a review send us an email. Anyway, today’s guest review is by Ian MacAllen, who is the author of the blogs Avacado Green, Imperfect Now, and probably a few others that we don’t know about. Enjoy.)

I was told two weeks ago that I was in charge of producing some protest rally signs. This seemed pretty standard, especially since I’m officially “Art Director” [I play with Photoshop].

I headed off to Staples in search of supplies. Now I thought all permanent markers are the same; I was really wrong. There was an entire aisle dedicated to markers!

I do like having lots of choices, but sometimes it can be overwhelming, like when there are glitter pens. I love glitter pens. [Ok, I know what you are thinking: Glitter Pens, New Jersey has a Gay Governor, I work in politics…but no, I’m just really into art supplies].

Anyway, on any normal day I might have just settled for a Sharpie. But then I saw the Bic Grip 4×4. All I could think was: “Wow, that looks really, really powerful, like a Hummer.” That and they were cheap.

I got a pack of four: black, red, blue, and green.

Once I got back to the office I was ready to do my thing making protest posters. I grabbed my Bic Grip and went to it. The only problem is, poster board and Bic Grip pens absolutely do not get along. Despite its impressive size, the marker itself only left a faded line on the poster board.

At first I thought its unimpressive performance was because I was trying to write on the shiny side. So I flipped it around and started going at it on the dull side of the poster board. But even on the dull side of the poster board, the Bic Grip just didn’t get the job done.

Thank George Washington I had some old Sharpie’s laying around, otherwise our protest rally would have been pretty pathetic [well, actually it was pretty pathetic, but at least the posters were really good].

The Bic Grip seems to work fine on standard white copy paper, except of course like all permanent markers, it bleeds through paper that thin. Because I don’t think permanent markers are useful on copy paper and since they don’t like poster board, the Bic Grips have no purpose other than to frustrate protestors.

What I did find when trying to write with the Bic Grip is that the rubberized grip was pretty cool to play with, but otherwise I don’t think it really helped me hold the marker. Now I’m not like circus folk, I don’t have small hands, but the grip was really big. It made it a little awkward to hold, even for permanent markers.

The Bic Grip also promised a triple-sided head for different width lines. Even if the markers had worked well on poster board, I don’t think the varying size tips would have improved it. After ten minutes of trying to use enough ink to make a solid line, the tip became pretty flat anyway.

The Bic Grip Permanent Marker is like any other Bic product; I wouldn’t rely on it for any reason. The best thing we can say about these markers is it kept us under budget.

Item: Bic Grip 4×4 Permanent Marker
Purchase Price: $5.49
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cheap. Came with 4 colors. Doesn’t smell as bad as some permanent markers. Rubberized grip.
Cons: Doesn’t write well on poster board. Really big in your hand. Too phallic.