Month: December 2004

Editor’s Note: Next Christmas, will someone please remind me that I MUST NOT upset the Line-Waiting Gods.

So I had to go to the post office the other day because I had to mail a CD that someone bought from me on eBay. Unfortunately, when I got to the Post Office there was a very long line of Christmas gift shipping procrastinators.

At first I thought, “Hell no,” but then realized that my eBay rating was too precious to ruin with the possibility of a negative rating.

While waiting in line I noticed a machine semi-hidden by the patrons in front of me with the words, “Automated Postal Center” on it. I wondered what it exactly was. As I got closer, I realized that it was an automated postal center (duh!), which I could use to ship packages, buy stamps, or check a zip code.

At first I wondered if it was broken or something, because none of the other thirty patrons were using it. Then I took a closer look at the other thirty patrons and realized that I was surrounded by senior citizens, who probably have technophobia and have no idea how to set the time on their VCRs.

I looked at the long line and then I looked at the Automated Postal Center. Then I looked at the long line again and decided to give the Automated Postal Center a try.

The Automated Postal Center has a touch screen, which allows you to make selections. There’s a scale on the left hand side of the machine to weigh your package/envelope. Just select the type of postage, weigh it, type in the zip code, slide your credit or debit card, and wait for the postage label to print.

I thought this was so fast and easy. I was glad to be surrounded by gray-haired technophobes, who probably have no idea what a blog is.

While the label was printing, which takes about 30 seconds, I was doing the cabbage patch and kept saying in a taunting tone, “I don’t have to wait in line. I don’t have to wait in line.”

Of course, this drew the attention of all the senior citizens waiting in line and I got many dirty looks from them, but I didn’t care because…”I didn’t have to wait in line. I didn’t have to wait in line.”

After the postage label printed, I stuck it on my package and placed the package in the gigantic bin next to the Automated Postal Center. Then I looked at all the senior citizens in line and again began doing the cabbage patch and taunting them as I walked out the door.

That same day I had to go to the big red electronics store to pick up a gift card for a friend. The lines there were just as crazy as the line at the post office. Unfortunately, I had to wait in line since there wasn’t a machine I could buy gift cards from.

So there I was waiting in line with about 15 people in front of me. Twenty minutes passed before the person in front of me got to the cashier. This was when things got worse.

The customer in front of me told the cashier that the Playstation 2 memory card was on sale, but the sale price didn’t come up on the register. The cashier said it wasn’t on sale, but the customer insisted that it was. Then the cashier looked through the newspaper ad, but couldn’t find anything. She then went to talk to another cashier, who also said it wasn’t on sale. Then another worker who overheard their conversation came up to them and said it was.

Their little employee conference took about five minutes and eventually the customer got the discount.

In my head, I thought, “My goodness could this get any worse?”

Apparently, it could.

Finally, when I got to the cashier, I asked her if I could get a gift card. She then said the worst four words she could possibly say, “We don’t have anymore.”

So I waited 30 minutes in line for nothing and I was about to be angry, but then I realized the Line-Waiting Gods were just getting back at me for my actions at the post office.

Damn frickin’ karma.

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Item: USPS Automated Postal Center
Purchase Price: FREE to use (Must pay for postage and stamps)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Ship small packages and envelopes without waiting in line, unless there’s a line for the Automated Postal Center. Open 24 hours. Able to purchase stamps from it. Easy to use for some.
Cons: Never make fun of those who have to wait in line. May scare senior citizens with technophobia, which is probably about 99 percent of them. Can’t ship large boxes. Damn karma.

Editor’s Note: Sorry for the late review today. The Impulsive Buy had to do some extra testing with today’s product to see if they would make great ghost costumes for kids. Long story short, they definitely do not, especially if the drawstrings are pulled.

The Impulsive Buy’s goal is to be just like the 800-pound gorilla of the product review world, Consumer Reports.

However, it’s hard to be like them when we aren’t very thorough with our reviews, some of the reviews contain sexual situations, we don’t have good grammar, and we like to excessively use the word “BOOBIES.”

Heck, we aren’t even as good as those compulsive reviewers at Amazon and Epinions, who have written reviews for hundreds of products.

Actually, to be honest, we really don’t want to be like Consumer Reports. I know we just said we wanted to be just like them, but all we want is their kick-ass multi-million dollar testing facility.

They have goggle-wearing scientists, state-of-the-art machines, and a frickin’ car testing track. Oh yeah, let’s not forget the white lab coats, beakers, and test tubes.

Here at the Impulsive Buy we have ONLY ONE lab coat that I stole when I was taking Chemistry 151 Lab.

But alas, the Impulsive Buy doesn’t have a kick-ass multi-million dollar testing facility, so we have to be creative when testing products.

For example, take today’s product, Glad ForceFlex Kitchen Trash Bags. I’m sure in the Consumer Reports kick-ass testing facility they have scientists who use state-of-the-art stretching machinery that can exactly determine how much the Glad ForceFlex can stretch.

Here at the Impulsive Buy, we have bupkis. So because we don’t have a computerized stretching machine, I decided to test the Glad ForceFlex using the demanding test of trash bag races. You know, like potato sack races except with trash bags.

I didn’t think conducting a trash bag race would’ve given us an accurate measure of how stretchable the Glad ForceFlex is, but it sounded more fun than some expensive machine.

So to accomplish this, I called up some friends who I thought might be interested in helping me for the greater good of consumers.

Unfortunately when I called them, all I heard was, “No way,” “That’s so lame,” “Um, no,” and “You know the restraining order prevents you from calling me.”

Since no one wanted to participate in the Glad ForceFlex trash bag races, I had to do it on my own, just like my sex life.

What makes the Glad ForceFlex so special is the unique diamond texture that stretches around objects to help prevent rips and tears. That diamond texture sure did stretch around my feet as I placed them into one of the ForceFlex bags.

So after stepping inside one of the bags, I hopping around the Impulsive Buy like a rabbit on crack for several minutes. Despite my constant hopping, the ForceFlex bag didn’t tear. But my constant hopping did cause me to become very winded, very quickly.

So what did I learn from my experiment? I learned that these Glad ForceFlex bags are very durable and that I’m out of shape.

Item: Glad ForceFlex Kitchen Trash Bags
Purchase Price: $5.99
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Drawstrings. Durable. Stretchable.
Cons: No ForceFlex trash bag relay races. I’m out of shape. Makes bad ghost costumes for kids.

Do you know a relative, friend, co-worker, or mistress who’s a little too obsessive compulsive? Sure, we all know one.

They wash their hands over 30 times a day; have a Costco-sized bottle of waterless hand sanitizer on their desk; opens public restroom doors with a paper towel; puts enough layers of sanitary covers on a toilet seat that it provides a slight cushion; or uses Lysol on EVERYTHING.

Well if you have yet to get that person a Christmas gift, what better gift to give them than the gift of cleanliness.

Might I suggest the Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash.

Editor’s Note, Part Two: Um…For you smokers of the ganja, there is no correlation between the name Method and the fact that the color of this hand wash is green. Method products come in a wide range of colors.

I’ve been a really big fan of Method products for a while, although to be honest I’ve never used any of their products until now.

The reason why I didn’t try any was because I couldn’t get my dirty hands on Method products here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (We so desperately need a Target). However, Impulsive Buy groupie Akiko gave me some.

Editor’s Note, Part Three: Um…When I say, “she gave me some,” I meant she gave me a bottle of Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash. Just thought I’d clear that up, since she is an Impulsive Buy groupie.

I think I became a fan of Method products after reading an article about them in one of the Business 2.0 issues I stole from my doctor’s office.

I’m a fan because their products come in nice curvy bottles and I’m sucker for things that have curves, like Catherine Zeta Jones and the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Another reason is because their products are biodegradable, non-toxic, naturally derived, and aren’t tested on animals, which satisfies my tree-hugging side. Finally, I like the company because its name starts with the letter “M.”

As for the Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash, besides being green in color and environmentally-friendly, it smells really good.

So what does green tea combined with aloe smell like? It smells clean. It’s not fruity, flowery, or girly. It just smells clean.

Just the way obsessive-compulsive people like to smell.

If you think about it, our obsessive-compulsive friends maybe on to something with all of this cleanliness. Think about all the things that get touched a lot on a daily basis by people. You don’t know what kind of people they are or where these people have been.

Imagine all the germs on these things, like doorknobs, money, elevator buttons, handrails, and Paris Hilton.

Item: Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash
Purchase Price: FREE (retail price $4.00)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Clean scent. Environmentally friendly. Nice curvy bottle. Oh yeah, let me feel those curves on that bottle. Oh yeah, let me feel those curves on the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Teehehehehe.
Cons: Kind of pricey for hand soap. Can’t get it here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.