Here at The Impulsive Buy we try to find the latest products to review, but reader Taikog suggested we go old school once in awhile. Following his suggestion, we thought about doing a review on Brylcreem, but decided to review the Jiffy Pop Stove Top Butter Popcorn instead, because it looked less oily.

The instructions for this popcorn were simple. Preheat the stove for 3 or 4 minutes at medium high heat. Then place the pan on the burner. When it starts to sizzle, continuously shake the pan in a back and forth motion until the foil is fully expanded. In about 2 to 5 minutes, the popcorn should be ready.

I was just about to start popping the popcorn, when I realized that I can’t shake it, unless there’s music playing or someone is putting money in the elastic band of my boxers. Since there weren’t any women around flashing dollar bills, I needed to find a soundtrack for my popcorn shaking.

After spending about 30 minutes looking through my iTunes library, I found the perfect song I could shake popcorn to. Some of you may have guessed the song already, Outkast’s “Hey Ya!” (Click the song’s title to see me shaking some popcorn to the song. Quicktime required to view.)

With my popcorn shaking song on, I got down to making some popcorn. I put the pan on the preheated burner and waited for the sizzle. When it came, I began to shake the pan and my groove thang. A few moments later, the popcorn kernels started exploding and the foil started expanding. This went on for about a minute and then the exploding and expanding suddenly stopped.

Although when it stopped, I kept shaking the pan because Andre 3000’s voice had taken a hold of my soul.

Then about a minute later I began to smell burnt popcorn and I stopped shaking the pan and my ass. I took the pan off of the stove and opened the slightly expanded foil. A cloud of steam and a strong smell of burnt popcorn arose from out of the pan. The bottom of the pan was covered with burnt popped and unpopped kernels.

A few of the popped kernels survived and I ate them. They had a decent buttery taste and a nice crunch.

I don’t know what went wrong, but I have my theories. (1) The stove heat was too high. (2) I am the Grim Reaper of Food and I destroy everything I touch. (3) I picked the wrong song to shake it to.

My money was on the third reason, so I went looking through my iTunes library again and found six possible replacements for the next time I decide to make some stove top popcorn. You can see for yourself if the song is good enough by clicking the song’s title. (Each video is about 1MB)

1. Metallica’s “One”
2. Aqua’s “Barbie Girl”
3. Britney Spears’ “Toxic”
4. Blur’s “Song 2”
5. Buster Poindexter’s “ Hot, Hot, Hot ”
6. Black Eyed Peas’ “Hey Mama”

So which of these songs do you think would work best? Or do you have another song in mind?

Item: Jiffy Pop Stove Top Butter Popcorn
Purchase Price: $1.50
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Decent buttery taste. Nice crunch. Buster Poindexter reference.
Cons: I followed the instructions, but the popcorn still got burnt. “Hey Ya!” might not be a good song to shake stove top popcorn with, but it is a good song to shake it to when there are women flashing dollar bills. I have a Britney Spears song.

Ever since I heard about the Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I’ve been bitter about not having the opportunity to try one, since there aren’t any Hardee’s here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. That bitterness slightly faded on Monday, after I read a story about the new Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

Okay, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich still pales in comparison with the Monster Thickburger and its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium. However, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich’s 730 calories, 47 grams of fat, 415 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,860 milligrams of sodium would make any nutritionist or cardiologist cringe, like I do when I see a guy get kicked in the balls and whenever I see someone do Macarena.

So yesterday morning, I got up early and headed out the door to the Burger King down the street.

As I walked to the Burger King, a mini version of me suddenly appeared on my left shoulder, wearing a white suit and wings. “Holy crap!” he said to me. “What are you doing? I can’t believe you’re gonna buy that. It’s so unhealthy. It could be the last thing you eat in this world.”

“But if it’s the last thing he eats, that would make one hell of a review,” said the mini version of me that suddenly appeared on my right shoulder, wearing a black suit with horns on his head.

“How can he write a review when he’s dead, moron!?!” the mini me in the white suit said.

“Oh, come on, you pussy,” the mini me in the black suit snorted. “It’s got almost the same amount of calories and fat as a Burger King Whopper. He’s eaten lots of Whoppers and he’s still here.”

“But it also has FOUR times the cholesterol and almost twice the sodium of a Whopper. He doesn’t need that much salt, he’s not a frickin’ horse,” the white suited mini me replied.

While those two argued, I walked into the Burger King and ordered an Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

“NOOOOOOO!!!!” the pure and innocent mini me screamed. The dark and evil mini me just laughed.

The person behind the counter asked if I wanted anything else. The dark mini me screamed, “HASH BROWNS!!!” and then disappeared. The innocent mini me yelled, “DEFIBRILLATOR!!!” and then also disappeared.

I said to the cashier, “No, that’s all.”

On my way back, I felt guilty about buying the sandwich, so I stopped by the convenience store that sells alcohol and cigarettes to minors, to pick up a bottle of apple juice, which I picked up because the antioxidants in the juice can help prevent damage from fatty foods and because it looks like beer.

The Enormous Omelet Sandwich consists of a toasted roll with two slices of American cheese, two layers of fluffy eggs, three strips of bacon, and a sausage patty. It looked like Burger King just joined two regular breakfast sandwiches together to form the Enormous Omelet Sandwich. In other words, it didn’t look very spectacular.

As I took the first bite, I heard a faint, “Nooooooo,” which might have been either my white suited mini me or my heart. I stopped for a second, shrugged my shoulders, and dug into the sandwich.

The sandwich was good, but there wasn’t anything special about it. It tasted like any other breakfast sandwich with eggs and sausage. The bacon was almost nonexistent, because I could hardly taste it. The only thing the Enormous Omelet Sandwich really has going for itself is the fact that it’s probably the biggest breakfast sandwich available.

My recommendation is, if you like angioplasty, eat an Enormous Omelet Sandwich every other day. If you don’t like angioplasty, I’d recommend eating it just once, just so you can say you survived an Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

If you have a heart condition, heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, are extremely obese, are a vegan, jealous of things labeled enormous, or just watched the movie Babe, please do not eat the Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

(Editor’s Note: LordJezo from The Message Whore also reviewed the Enormous Omelet Sandwich. Read his review here.)

Item: Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich
Purchase Price: $3.29 (sandwich only)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes good, but nothing really special about it. Possibly the biggest breakfast sandwich available.
Cons: Very high cholesterol and sodium. High fat and calories. Your conscience may bother you. It’s no Monster Thickburger.

If anyone needs help with the ladies, it’s me.

When the best compliment I’ve received about my looks is, “You have nice ears lobes,” I know I’m gonna need a little extra help attracting women. So I turned to a product that claims women will be all over me if I use it, Axe Shower Gel.

They come in a variety of scents: Touch, Essence, Phoenix, and Kilo, which also sound like good party drug nicknames. I chose the Touch scent, because that was the desired effect I wanted with women and it also smelled like the Christian Dior’s cologne Fahrenheit, which I wore during my freshman year in high school to impress my hot 23-year old English teacher.

After taking a jog, I had the opportunity to use the Axe Touch Shower Gel. I poured some into my loofah and began washing my body. (Yeah, I got a loofah. WHAT ABOUT IT? It exfoliates. Yeah, I exfoliate. WHAT ABOUT IT?)

As I washed my body, the scent began to change. It went from the pleasant Christian Dior Fahrenheit musky scent to the unpleasant old man musky smell. It was like Dr. Jekyll turning into Mr. Hyde.

The old man smell filled my bathroom and I actually dry heaved once. I quickly rinsed off my body, dried off, sprayed on my favorite cologne, and avoided my bathroom until the smell faded away.

From that experience, I didn’t believe the old man-smelling Axe Touch scent could actually attract young women, but I had to find out the truth. So I needed to find a place where there were many women.

Fortunately, I have a major state university in my backyard, so it was easy finding groups of women. So the next day, I reluctantly took another shower using the Axe Touch Shower Gel and then walked up to campus. My plan was to wait for the classes to end and then walk through one of the busiest walkways.

When classes got out and the walkway filled with students, I swam my way through the crowd, trying to pass as many women as I could. When I ended up at the other end of the walkway, I turned around and went through it again. Unfortunately, both times I didn’t receive any phone numbers, seductive looks, or full-body tackles.

I went home disappointed.

When I got home, I stepped into the bathroom and cried…I mean, washed my face. The old man smell from the Axe Touch Shower Gel still lingered from the shower I took about an hour earlier. I took a deep breath and a lightbulb suddenly went on in my head.

If young women weren’t attracted to the old man smell of the Axe Touch Shower Gel, then maybe I needed to focus my attention to those who might be. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to Catherine Zeta Jones and Anna Nicole Smith terrifies me, because I’m afraid she might sit on me, hug me, or eat me. With those two off my list, I decided to hit on focus on the female AARP segment of my community.

So the next morning I got up at 5:30, took a shower with the Axe Touch Shower Gel, and headed towards the nearest McDonald’s, which is where the old folks here tend to congregate. When I entered the McDonald’s, the place was crawling with people over the age of 60 and had a heavy coffee smell.

I ordered some food and sat in a booth that was next to one that had four older ladies, or as I like to call them, “experienced ladies.” With my back facing towards them, I took the sports section of the newspaper I brought in with me and began to fan myself, pretending I was hot. I hoped that the scent of the Axe Touch Shower Gel would reach the ladies.

As I ate my breakfast, I tried to listen in on their conversation, hoping that they would whisper something about how great I smelled to each other. Unfortunately, the only things they talked about were their last doctor visits, the trip one of them took to Las Vegas, and their grandchildren.

Bah!

After finishing my breakfast, I went home, stepped into the bathroom, cried…I mean, brushed my teeth, went back to sleep, and dreamed of women rubbing my nice ear lobes.

Item: Axe Touch Shower Gel
Purchase Price: $4.39
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Smells like Christian Dior’s Fahrenheit cologne while in the bottle, but…(see cons). Cool black bottle. I have nice ear lobes.
Cons: I had a musky old man smell after I took a shower. Doesn’t attract young women or old women. Smell lingers in bathroom for hours. Pricey.

The other week, Impulsive Buy reader Emily sent me an email asking if I could review the new Reese’s Cookies. I instantly agreed because she claimed they were so good that they would give me an orgasm (1), and I am not one to miss out on an orgasm (2).

Although, after thinking about it, I began to hope that trying to orgasm (3) from the Reese’s Cookies wouldn’t turn out like the last product that someone claimed would give me an orgasm (4).

Remember those Herbal Essences shampoos? You know, the one with the commercials that have a beautiful woman having an orgasm (5) while washing her hair? Well I remember seeing that commercial and thinking if the Herbal Essences could make a woman have an orgasm (6) that easily, it must be damn quick on a guy.

However, after two weeks of washing my hair with it, I didn’t orgasm (7) once. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me biologically. Then I thought maybe I had to wash my hair longer. Or maybe I needed some kind of instrument to help. Despite all of my washing efforts, I didn’t have an orgasm (8).

However, a few months later I did orgasm (9) using the Herbal Essences shampoo, while looking through a Victoria’s Secret catalog. But it didn’t happen while washing my hair. It happened while “washing” my…

Oh wait, I think this is a bit too much information. I’m sorry, just ignore the last paragraph.

Anyway, finding the Reese’s Cookies turned out to be harder than trying to orgasm (10) while washing your hair with Herbal Essences shampoo. I checked all the usual places I shop at, but I couldn’t find them. I began thinking that the Reese’s Cookies were so good that people everywhere were buying them as quickly as the stores could put them on the shelves.

Then finally, this past weekend, while shopping for Herbal Essences shampoo, I found a box that contained Reese’s Cookies 4-packs. Fortunately for me, there were two packs left in the box. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and then grabbed the two packs like I was Cookie Monster.

Me want COOKIE!!!

When I got home I placed one of the packs into the freezer, like our friends at The Message Whore suggested (who also REALLY liked the Reese’s Cookies), and eagerly ripped open the other pack. Each cookie consists of a crunchy chocolate cookie and a layer of peanut butter on top of it, with everything dipped in milk chocolate. It looked DAMN good and smelled DAMN good.

I quickly popped an entire cookie into my mouth. “Oh-oh-oh my goodness,” I thought to myself. “These are DAMN good, but where’s the orgasm (11)?”

“Maybe it was a dud cookie,” I said and then ate the rest of the pack, but again nothing happened.

Maybe I had to chew more slowly. Or let it melt in my mouth. Or look through a Victoria’s Secret catalog while eating them. However, I tried all of those things with the second pack of Reese’s Cookies I pulled out of the freezer, but still didn’t have an orgasm (12).

Although I didn’t have an orgasm (13), I wasn’t disappointed. The Reese’s Cookies were VERY satisfying and I wished I had more. They are so good, if the Girl Scouts made cookies exactly like these, Thin Mints would definitely be their bitch.

Yes, they are that good.

Orgasm (14).

Item: Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies
Purchase Price: 99 cents (4-pack)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Really, really, really good. DAMN good! Victoria’s Secret catalogs. Eating them might cause an orgasm (15) for some.
Cons: I didn’t get an orgasm (16) from them. Maybe difficult to find, because they are so good.

I was going to see how helpful the new Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt was with lowering my cholesterol and making my heart healthy, but there’s no way one container of yogurt could significantly help lower my cholesterol and…HOLY CRAP, have you seen the needle they use to suck the blood out of you for a cholesterol blood test?

The last time I needed a blood test, that long-ass needle made me cry like a little baby. I don’t know how the hell heroin addicts do it.

So instead of checking if the Yoplait Healthy Heart could help give me a healthy heart, I decided to find out if it could mend my broken heart. However, it wasn’t as broken as it was about a year ago, so for more accurate results I had to find a way to break my heart even more.

This turned out to be a problem.

I thought about stalking an ex-girlfriend, but I didn’t want the hassle of ANOTHER restraining order.

Or I could’ve found a woman, used my patented Marvo charm, have her fall in love with me, screw up by not opening up emotionally to her, and then have her break up with me. However, that takes too much time and my patented Marvo charm hardly ever works.

Eventually, I found something that could rip out my heart and shove it down my throat.

I found a picture that I took of me with my ex-girlfriend, which I tore up when we broke up, put back together with Scotch tape when I started missing her, scanned it into my computer, printed it with my photo printer, put it through a paper shredder after I ran into her at the movie theater with her new boyfriend, put it back together with clear contact paper when I was lonely one night, scanned it into my computer, printed it with my photo printer, crumpled it up after I ran into her at the mall, and threw it into my closet.

Actually, I thought I burned the damn thing. Well I might as well put it to good use before I burn it and piss on it.

So to break my heart even more, I stared at the picture. I looked at her beautiful smile. Her beautiful seductive eyes. Her soft, wonderful-smelling hair. Her silky smooth skin. Her soft kissable lips.

WHYYYYYYY???

I LOVE YOU!!!

I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!

PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!

I PROMISE I’LL MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!

I PROMISE I’LL BE A BETTER LOVER!!! I’LL TAKE ENZYTE!!!

I PROMISE I’LL GO DOWN ON YOU MORE!!!

Staring at the picture worked, my heart broke even more and I began to cry like someone just stuck a needle in me for a blood test.

WHYYYYYYY???

After blowing my nose, I started eating the Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt. I ate the whole thing in about 30 seconds, then I followed that with half a pint of ice cream, a couple of Pop-Tarts, half a can of Pringles, and several glasses of chocolate milk.

I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!

The Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart yogurt tasted a little different than the same flavor of regular Yoplait yogurt. Although, it still tasted good. The only real difference between the Healthy Heart yogurt and the regular Yoplait yogurt are the plant sterols (No, not steroids, sterols), which are added to the Healthy Heart yogurt to help lower your cholesterol.

GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE!!!

Unfortunately, it didn’t help heal my broken heart. So I burned the picture and pissed on it, and that made me feel a little better.

Although, about thirty minutes later I was feeling lonely and I wondered if I could bring back the picture using the ashes and alchemy?

Item: Yoplait Strawberry-Banana Healthy Heart Yogurt
Purchase Price: 55 cents (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes a little different than regular Yoplait Strawberry-Banana yogurt, but still tastes good. Same price as regular Yoplait yogurt. Helps lower cholesterol with plant sterols. Low-fat. High-protein. Vitamins A & D. Live & active cultures.
Cons: Unable to mend broken hearts. Long-ass needles. WHYYYYYY??? PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!! Patented Marvo charm.

FEMALE FRIEND: It’s soooo small.

MARVO: It’s not THAT small. Besides, it’s pretty powerful and it can go for a long time.

FEMALE FRIEND: How long can it go?

MARVO: I got it to last for over twelve hours.

FEMALE FRIEND: Twelve hours straight?

MARVO: Yeah.

FEMALE FRIEND: That’s a lot of Doggystyle, Piledriver, Missionary, Lotus, and Cowgirl.

MARVO: Oh, don’t forget the Pretzel, Helicopter, and T-Spoon.

FEMALE FRIEND: Do you mind if I touch it?

MARVO: Go ahead.

FEMALE FRIEND: Oh my goodness, I didn’t realize how smooth it was. So do you take it running with you?

MARVO: Yeah, I HAVE TO take it with me. Although when I put them in my shorts, it kind of protrudes.

FEMALE FRIEND: So do people notice it protruding when you’re running?

MARVO: I don’t know, but I feel it bouncing around. I’ll probably buy something so that it doesn’t flop around so much.

FEMALE FRIEND: Do you think you’re hurting it when it flops around like that?

MARVO: I don’t think so, because it’s pretty durable and it hasn’t skipped a beat. Although, when I first got it, I had some problems with it.

FEMALE FRIEND: Like what?

MARVO: Well basically, it didn’t always work right. I’ll be in the middle of using it and then everything goes soft.

FEMALE FRIEND: It gets turned off or something?

MARVO: Yeah, but everything is fine now. I just looked at some stuff on the internet and it stays turned on now.

FEMALE FRIEND: So how does it work?

MARVO: Just grab it, use your thumb, and stroke it right here.

FEMALE FRIEND: Right here?

MARVO: Yeah. Some people have had trouble turning it on, so you might have to stroke it a little harder.

FEMALE FRIEND: Oh my goodness, I turned it on. So how do I make stuff come out of it?

MARVO: You just have to push the right button.

FEMALE FRIEND: This button?

MARVO: Oh yeah, that’s the button.

FEMALE FRIEND: So when you wanna put stuff on it, where do you stick it?

MARVO: I stick it into a USB port, where it also gets charged up. It takes about three to four hours to fully be ready to go again.

FEMALE FRIEND: So what else does it come with?

MARVO: It came with a couple of things, a pair of earbuds and a lanyard, which you can use to hang it from your neck. But I don’t like to wear it like that. I prefer to keep it in my pants.

FEMALE FRIEND: It doesn’t have a screen, so how do you know what’s playing?

MARVO: Well when I’m using it, it’s usually in my shorts and I don’t really need to look at a screen. I pretty much know what’s on it, because it only holds 125 songs. But if I need to switch to something else, I’ll just play with it through my shorts. I know where the right buttons are.

FEMALE FRIEND: So does it vibrate?

MARVO: No, it doesn’t vibrate.

Item: iPod Shuffle
Purchase Price: $99.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Light and small, but not THAT small. Great for exercising. Durable. Doesn’t skip. Cheapest iPod.
Cons: Had occasional problems with keeping it turned on. No screen, which maybe a problem for some. Some might have trouble turning it on.

I always get a tingling sensation when I buy a compilation CD that consists of bands that I’ve never heard of.

It gets me excited because I like to think of it as playing musical Russian Roulette, just spin the CD and hope none of the bands give me a headache.

Of course, it’s very similar to regular Russian Roulette, except with regular Russian Roulette the headaches are much worse.

This time around, I played musical Russian Roulette with the new Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation CD, which consists of a number signed and unsigned rock, punk, and emo bands. I thought this would be the perfect CD to have a one-man mosh pit with.

Drive-Thru Records is an indie record label that has some of my favorite new bands in its stable, like Allister and The Early November. PureVolume.com is a great place to discover new bands and to get a whole crap load of free MP3s without the RIAA breathing down your neck like Kirstie Alley would if you had a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

There are a lot of great things about the Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation, but there was one that stood out. It wasn’t the fact that the compilation comes with two CDs. It wasn’t that I got it on sale for only $8.99. It wasn’t the fact that when I purchased the CD, the cute cashier at the record store wanted my autograph, although she called it a signature.

The best part of the compilation was the extra 120 total MP3s that came on both discs of bands that I have never ever heard of.

This news made my iPod cream, because that would mean 120 more songs I’d be stuffing into her. (Yes, my iPod is a she and a whore.) Although I had to fix the ID tags in iTunes because they were all messed up and my iPod doesn’t like nameless things going into her, because she has some standards.

After listening to all eight hours and thirty-two minutes of the compilation, I’ve discovered a lot of great new bands, like Fall Out Boy, Echo Screen, Self Against City, and a whole lot of other bands that I would list, but I think at some point you might wonder if I’m just making names up.

Despite my high praise of the compilation, there were a few bands that I didn’t like, but you can’t expect me like everything. Just like you can’t expect Kirstie Alley to like all the doughnut variations at Krispy Kreme.

Anyway, if you enjoy discovering new rock, punk, or emo bands, I’d like to suggest the Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation. It was a very satisfying CD purchase, especially for my slutty iPod.

(Editor’s Note: For better music reviews, that don’t include references to slutty iPods, go visit our friends at Asian Mack.)

Item: Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation
Purchase Price: $8.99 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Two CDs and 120 extra MP3s. Many good bands that I’ve never heard of. A whole lot of music for a cheap price. Great way to stuff your iPod with rock, punk, and emo bands (and she’ll like it). No Britney or Ashlee.
Cons: You probably haven’t heard of 99% of the bands, so the compilation might not be good for those who are afraid to try new things. MP3 ID tags were messed up. My iPod is a whore.

Tony the Tiger, why have you turned into such a pussy…cat?

Have you sold out? Have you been pressured by consumer groups who think your cereals are fattening children? Is someone trying to blackmail you with a sex tape of you with a hippopotamus? Or are they blackmailing you with a secret, like you’re actually a zebra with extensive plastic surgery?

Geez, it’s not like you’re the only cereal spokesperson who has secrets. For example, Toucan Sam is gay. Why do you think they call it Froot Loops? It’s definitely not because of the fruity flavors.

Then there’s the Trix Rabbit, who was a kinky, cross-dressing, role-playing prostitute, before he got the Trix gig. He could fulfill anyone’s fantasy…for the right price. Why do you think he’s so good with disguises?

Whatever it was, at least tell me why you have unleashed your “lightly sweetened” Tiger Power cereal upon the masses?

Fiber, calcium, and protein? Whatever happened to sugar, sugar, and sugar? It’s worked for you in the past. You’re the man…ur…zebra…ur…tiger that brought us such wonderful, sweet cereals as Tony’s Cinnamon Crunchers, Banana Frosted Flakes, Cocoa Frosted Flakes, and the original Frosted Flakes.

Okay, actually, Tony’s Cinnamon Crunchers sucked big time.

However, this Tiger Power sucked even more. It was so bland, it’s like you purposely wanted it to taste like fiber, calcium, and protein. Although it didn’t take away the title of World’s Worst Tasting Cereal from the Carb Well cereal I tried a few months ago.

Despite the bland taste, I was hoping I could somehow make the cereal edible. I didn’t want to give up on you and your Tiger Power cereal, as quickly as that 7:30 a.m. accounting class during my freshman year in college, because I owe you and Frosted Flakes a lot for providing me the energy in elementary school to survive until recess.

The first thing I tried to do to make Tiger Power edible was add sugar…lots of sugar. Unfortunately, I realized that it wasn’t working too well and I was probably killing my liver.

I then tried chocolate milk, which helped a lot with the taste, but in the end I still think Tiger Power sucks.

Oh, Tony the Tiger. You have claws, stripes, and, apparently, really big balls, because you had the courage to release a crappy cereal, which probably ruined your reputation as a Sugar Daddy.

I’m so disappointed in you.

(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review of this cereal, go read their review here.)

Item: Kellogg’s Tiger Power
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Fiber. Protein. Calcium.
Cons: Bland. Bland. Bland. I no longer believe in Tony the Tiger.

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to Jim from Snooze Button Dreams for winning this month’s prize drawing for a $15 iTunes Gift Card. Thank you to all of you who participated.

Now here’s today’s review. Enjoy.)

I’m not good with things that require knowledge.

For example, the game show Jeopardy. I totally suck at it. If I had to play against Ken Jennings, he would pull me across his lap, pull my pants down, and spank me badly. Also, I honestly believe that Alex Trebek’s old mustache knows waaay more than me.

Then there’s Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? If Regis Philbin was still hosting, he’d be yelling at me. Not the crazy, happy “You just won $32,000!” yelling that he usually does, more like “You are a moron!” yelling.

Oh, and let’s not forget The Weakest Link. If I ended up on that show, I would totally be Anne Robinson’s bitch.

Sure, I could acquire knowledge through such things as books, the Internet, newspapers, magazines, and television, but books are for nerds, the Internet is for porn, newspapers are for lining bird cages, I only pick up magazines for the pictures, and my brain shuts off when watching television.

However, recently I came across Pringles Prints. They look and taste like regular Pringles, except on each chip there’s a trivia question and its answer printed with blue ink (which doesn’t affect the taste).

Holy crap! I can learn from one of my favorite all-time snacks?

Why couldn’t they have done this for the Russian class I failed in college? Nyet! Nyet! Nyet!

Despite being excited about finding a way to acquire knowledge through Pringles, I was disappointed that I happened to have picked up the Daytona 500 edition of Pringles Prints.

Now, if there was a topic that I wouldn’t want to know anything about, it would be the Daytona 500. No offense to you NASCAR fans out there, but I’m more of a baseball, college basketball, women’s figure skating, and women’s bodybuilding kind-of-guy.

So instead of questions about the Daytona 500, I wish on these Pringles Prints there were questions and answers that many people want to know, like:

1. What is the Gaian Theory?
2. Who are the members of the G-G-G-G-Unit?
3. What happened to Tiffany-Amber Thiessen’s career?
4. Has there been any moment this year that Anna Nicole Smith hasn’t been drunk?
5. Where do babies come from?

If they had Pringles Prints like that, I believe becoming a member of Mensa is definitely in my future, or at least, maybe I’ll get my ass kicked less in Trivial Pursuit.

Item: Pringles Prints: Daytona 500
Purchase Price: $1.13
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: It’s original Pringles-flavored and you can’t go wrong with that. Perfect for NASCAR fans.
Cons: Questions were on a topic I’m not interested in learning. Hand got stuck in Pringles can…again. Stupid can!

Saint Patrick’s Day is one of those “not-really-a-holiday” holidays. It’s like Flag Day. You don’t get the day off, the malls are open, the mail is delivered, and street parking isn’t free. It’s like, um, a normal Monday…thru Friday.

Although, if you get smashed enough on Saint Patrick’s Day, you can call in sick the next day, which is sort of like a real holiday, except with aspirin and dry heaves.

Despite Saint Patrick’s Day being a “not-really-a-holiday” holiday, there are a lot of great things about it, like you don’t need to buy gifts for anyone, don’t need to attend dysfunctional family dinners, don’t need to spend $100 on flowers, don’t need to buy some lame greeting card, and hookers look a lot better, due to beer goggles.

Of course, Saint Patrick’s Day is the best day to get drunk, because alcohol is cheap, plentiful, and sometimes green.

So what’s the second best day to get drunk?

Any other day.

So in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day and the possibility that I might not have a review for you tomorrow due to a hangover, I wrote a poem about Saint Patrick’s Day. (No, I did not write it drunk) It goes a little something like this:

The Saint Patrick’s Day Poem

Top of the morning to you all and Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.
I hope you’re dressed in green, or you’ll get pinched right away.
It’s time to get rowdy and it’s time to get drunk.
You should start in the morning, when things are usually rough.
Forget the wine, champagne, light and nonalcoholic beer.
Hard liquor and real beer is essential for this time of year.
So get yourself a drink, or maybe two, three, four or five.
Make sure you have a designated driver to get you home alive.
So head to the nearest bar and let the drinking begin.
Start yourself off with something like a tonic and gin.
Chug a screwdriver because you need your OJ in the morning.
Don’t drink with an empty stomach, this is just a warning.
Have a few glasses of Guinness, which is blacker than coal.
Or have a shot of whiskey, if getting drunk is your goal.
If you’re drunk by now, consider yourself a lightweight.
If not, have some more and see how much you can take.

Have a drink with your friends Jack Daniels and Jim Beam,
and remember it’s illegal to buy liquor for a teen.
Get a margarita if that’s what you really like.
Get one the size of a kiddie pool, you can drink it all night.
Order a Scotch and make sure it’s on the rocks.
Too much alcohol makes an ulgy person look like a fox.
Tank a few bottles of Foster’s without any fear,
and remember that Foster’s is Australian for beer.
Now if you’re Irish, you’re probably still quite sober yet,
but if you’re Asian, you’re probably redder than an apple can get.

Take a shot of a German Death and a Harley Davidson.
They both go down really hard like NyQuil medicine.
Have a shot of tequila with a wedge of lime and some salt.
If you swallow the worm it’s really your own drunken fault.
Sip on a really dry martini with an olive in a glass.
Have it shaken not stirred, like James Bond, a man with class.
To wash that all down order yourself a vodka and tonic,
and if you start seeing leprechauns, consider yourself an alcoholic.
Well whether you’re passed out, throwing up, or okay.
I wish you all a safe, fun, and happy Saint Patrick’s Day.

Item: Saint Patrick’s Day
Purchase Price: FREE (alcohol not included)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Don’t need to buy gifts for anyone. Mail is still delivered. Green beer. Hookers look better.
Cons: Don’t get the day off. Possible beer goggle situations. Getting pinched for not wearing green.