Month: October 2005

REVIEW: Dragon Fire Gum

Marvo 30 Comments

I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up I didn’t want to have Superman’s superhuman strength, Flash’s lightning quick speed, or Wonder Woman’s stupid lasso that made people tell the truth. I wanted the special ability of shooting fire out of my mouth.

Perhaps this desire was influenced by the many Godzilla movies I watched. Or maybe I wanted to be able to roast marshmallows whenever or wherever I wished. Or maybe I wanted to be the reason why people yelled, “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn!”

I also came up with a cool name if I ever had the ability to shoot fire out of my mouth. I would’ve called myself, “Hellmouth.”

Although now that I’m older and wiser, I realize that this name would either put fear into the hearts of criminals or make everyone think I had bad breath.

When I received a can of Dragon Fire Gum from Impulsive Buy reader Akiko, who picked it up during her journey to the exotic land called Los Angeles, I thought it would allow me to have the fire-shooting breath to destroy a miniature version of Tokyo that I would’ve built using Legos and Jenga pieces. Instead it allowed me to have cinnamon smelling breath.

Inside the can of Dragon Fire Gum was a slip of paper with the words:

According to ancient oriental beliefs, dragons breathed fire to protect treasures from evil spirits. Dragon Fire’s intense hot cinnamon taste will protect you from evil breath spirits. Each piece of gum is loaded with hot imperial cinnamon and then singed to seal in the hot cinnamon flavor.

Yeah, right. And Calgon laundry detergent is an ancient Chinese secret.

So bad breath is caused by evil spirits and not by garlic, onions, smoking, having food debris trapped in your mouth, or kissing a hooker with missing teeth?

If that’s the case, I don’t need gum or toothbrushes, I need either Holy Water or the Ghostbusters.

The dragon design on the outside of the can was cool. However, the gum on the inside, not so much.

Each Dragon Fire gum looked like a red peanut M&M with wrinkles. It also looked like it had a hard shell, but it didn’t have one.

Remember the “intense hot cinnamon taste” printed on the slip of paper in the Dragon Fire Gum can? Well it was there…sometimes. Some pieces made my mouth feel like there was a party going in it, with fireworks and strippers. However, other pieces also made my mouth feel like there was a party going on in it, except with tea, crumpets, and fully-clothed nuns.

Item: Dragon Fire Gum
Purchase Price: FREE (Received from Impulsive Buy reader Akiko)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Sugarfree. Cool looking can. Dragon would make a cool tattoo. Parties with fireworks and strippers.
Cons: Inconsistent cinnamon bite. Looks like it has a hard shell, but doesn’t have one. Parties with fully-clothed nuns. My inability to shoot fire from my mouth.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Steak Nachos BellGrande

Marvo 35 Comments

Taco Bell Steak Nachos BellGrande

Come on, Taco Bell! Can’t you do better than this?

Can’t you come up with something better than the Steak Nachos BellGrande?

You’ve come up with some great ideas, but Steak Nachos BellGrande just isn’t a fun name to say.

GORDITA!!!

Look how fun it was to say Gordita.

CHALUPA!!!

Saying Chalupa was also frickin’ fun.

BEAN BURRRRITO!!!

Even saying Bean Burrito was fun, not just because I rolled the R’s and said it in a high-pitched, stereotypical, borderline offensive Hispanic accent, but also because of the alliteration.

Sure, I could roll the R in “BellGrande,” but it still wouldn’t sound very fun because there are too many words and syllables in the name and it also wouldn’t be fun to say, “Yo quiero Steak Nachos BellGrande” in my best Taco Bell commercial chihuahua voice, while ordering in the drive-thru lane.

It’s also not exciting to yell whenever I’m swinging at a pinata.

How about Mucho Nacho? Or Nacho Rancho? Or Steako Greato?

Even some of the ingredients in the Steak Nachos BellGrande have better names, like the carne asada steak and nacho cheese sauce. Okay, the tortilla chips, green onions, tomatoes, sour cream, and refried beans have plain names. But if you add the optional jalapenos, you not only add some heat to the Steak Nachos BellGrande, you also add another ingredient that’s fun to say and you can have fun with Taco Bell employees by asking for the jalapenos phonetically.

The Steak Nachos BellGrande was good. The steak was surprisingly tender and the optional jalapenos gave it a nice kick. However, I think what really made this product tasty was the nacho cheese sauce, which also made the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme tasty and added a nice crayon orange to the dish.

However, with 770 calories, 41 grams of fat, 7 grams of trans fat, 1230 milligrams of sodium, and enough carbs to make Dr. Atkins weep in heaven, I don’t think I’ll be buying it again. Although, it does have a whopping 10 grams of dietary fiber.

Hey! Maybe it should be called Nacho PoopGrande?

Item: Taco Bell Steak Nachos BellGrande
Purchase Price: $3.59
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Steak was surprisingly tender. Nacho cheese sauce is frickin’ addicting. Optional jalapenos gave it some nice heat. Lots of dietary fiber. CHALUPA! GORDITA!
Cons: Boring name. High in bad trans fat and other things.

REVIEW: Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits

Marvo 28 Comments

There was a time in my life that I wanted to be an astronaut.

There was also another time in my life that I wanted to participate in the Vagina Monologues and express my love for vagina, but that’s for another review.

I didn’t want to become an astronaut for the thrill, glory, or large amounts of Tang, I wanted to become an astronaut because I thought being an astronaut would mean an endless supply of delicious freeze-dried ice cream.

If you’ve never had freeze-dried ice cream, it’s like eating chalk, except in Neapolitan flavors and you aren’t forced to ride in a short yellow bus to school, like you would if you ate chalk.

At night, I would go outside, lay on our driveway, stare at the thousands of stars in the sky, and imagine that I was in outer space and a part of the Mile High Club, which meant something totally different when I was ten years old.

To prepare myself to be an astronaut, I hung upside-down from the monkeybars to experience weightlessness, I jumped up and down on an exercise trampoline to simulate what jumping on the moon would be like, and had my body buried in sand at the beach to experience what g-forces felt like.

I also practiced my cool astronaut tag line if I landed on the moon, “Houston, I’m stepping on the cheese and I’ll cut it later,” which I thought at the time was waaay better than, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

However, my dream to become an astronaut ended when I learned that I could purchase packs of freeze-dried ice cream from a local museum for two dollars each and that my cool astronaut tag line was lame because the moon was less like cheese and more like the face of a pubescent boy whose balls have just dropped.

Since then, my taste for freeze-dried ice cream has been replaced by the freeze-dried marshmallows found in Lucky Charms and Count Chocula.

Recently, my freeze-dried food choices became slightly more expanded thanks to the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits, which are made from 100% real fruit, contain no preservatives, made for children 12 months or older, and make my hands look huge.

Each bag contains four servings of fruit. However, I don’t know if baby servings and adult servings are different. Even if they are, I got both bases covered, because like most babies, I enjoy sucking on a pacifier once in awhile, and like most adults, I’m potty trained and can watch Rated-R movies.

Just like M&Ms, the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits melt in your mouth and not in your hands. They have an apple taste, which they should since they’re made from real apples, but the apple flavor isn’t as strong as eating an actual ripe apple.

Or drinking apple juice.

Or eating applesauce.

Or sucking on an apple Jolly Rancher.

Or sucking on a bottle of apple schnapps.

Another thing about the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits, at 25 calories per serving, they could possibly help you lose weight and help make you as thin as Kate Moss, except without the cocaine use.

Item: Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Low calorie. Made from 100% real fruit. No preservatives. Comes in resealable bag. Freeze-dried ice cream. Melts in your mouth and not in your hands.
Cons: Light apple flavor. Small servings for adults. Never was able to use my astronaut tag line. Never joined the Mile High Club.

Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar

Marvo 26 Comments

It’s not often that I get bitchslapped by an energy bar, because it usually costs quite a bit extra to have that done. But this time it was free thanks to this Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar.

Although, I have to admit, this time it was the energy bar that did the bitchslapping and not some woman dressed in leather, chains, and spikes, with a strong German accent.

The Mad Dog Energy Bar comes to us from our friends in Canada.

Yes, that Canada, which has given the planet some wonderful things, like Wayne Gretzky, the band Barenaked Ladies, the sexy Shania Twain, and one-fourth of all stand-up comedians in America.

Of course, Canada also spawned the weapon of mass destruction that is known as, Celine Dion, whose voice, if used for evil, has the power to destroy the Earth, or if used for good, could destroy a gigantic asteroid heading towards the Earth.

Over the years, I’ve tried a lot of energy bars, but none of them really gave me the energy to do anything. The Snickers Marathon Bar never made me want to run a marathon, a PowerBar never gave me power to take over the world, Balance Bars never gave me the balance to dominate third graders at the game King of the Hill, the Luna Bar never made me want to moonwalk, and Clif Bars never made me want to climb a cliff to get away from people I own money to.

However, this Mad Dog Energy Bar was the first energy bar that perked me up like I was a pair of nipples at a wet t-shirt contest. It was able to do this, not with pitchers of water and thin white cotton t-shirts, but instead with the power of the Double G’s.

Not those Double G’s.

I’m talking about guarana and ginseng.

Found in almost all energy drink I’m addicted to, the Double G’s can provide long-lasting mental alertness, stimulate the nervous system, increase stamina, boost energy levels, stimulate the immune system, and reduce the effects of stress.

Surprisingly, after intensive research involving pictures of Dolly Parton, I’ve learned that the OTHER Double G’s also have these same effects on me, plus they make for great pillows.

Another ingredient that you won’t find in energy drinks, but will definitely find at a natural foods store in the form of clothing or rope, is hemp.

Yes, that hemp.

No, it’s not illegal to eat in the United States.

No, you can’t get high off of hemp.

Yes, I tried to light a Mad Dog Energy Bar.

Yes, trying to light a Mad Dog Energy Bar created a chocolatey mess.

Along with the hemp seed, guarana, and ginseng, the Mad Dog Energy Bar also consists of rice crisps, peanuts, and chocolate. All of that created a taste that maybe familiar if you’ve ever had a very strong expresso or used your mouth as a coffee grinder.

Being someone who doesn’t drink coffee, it took awhile to get used to the strong expresso-like flavor of the Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar, but overall it’s got a decent taste, and that taste is effective in bitchslapping me and getting me through the day.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Jocelyn, co-founder of the parent company that created Mad Dog, for sending me a box of Mad Dog to review.)

Item: Mad Dog Mocha Mania Energy Bar
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Decent taste. Perks me up like I was a pair of nipples at a wet t-shirt contest. The Double G’s. The OTHER Double G’s. The Barenaked Ladies.
Cons: Strong expresso-like flavor maybe too strong for most. Lighting a Mad Dog Energy Bar to try and get high. Celine Dion’s ability to destroy the Earth. Paying to be bitchslapped.

A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda

Marvo 25 Comments

Recently, I’ve been sucking down many of these A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Sodas.

I’ve been doing so much sucking that I feel like I’m either a baby sucking on a tit, a crack addict sucking on a crack pipe, or Paris Hilton making another sex tape.

I just have this “thing” for vanilla cream sodas, much like I have a thing for Rachael Ray, old school hip-hop, saying the word “incestuous,” and words that don’t start with “qu,” like Qatar, qanat, and qintar.

The A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda was very good, but it tasted just like their regular cream soda. Now I thought the “sparkling” would add something sparkling, much like how bubbles help champaign sparkle and glitter helps Sparkling Barbie look more like a stripper, but it didn’t.

The only thing different about this soda than the previous A&W Cream soda is the “Vintage Bottle,” which if you take off the label or stick in a small brown paper bag, looks like a beer bottle.

This means that with the amber-colored A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda and the “Vintage Bottle,” I can be a total poser at a party and pretend I’m cool with a “beer” in hand.

It’s much like when I was growing up and pretended apple juice was beer, bubble gum cigarettes were actual cigarettes, and my switchblade comb was an actual switchblade knife, which I used to try and recreate the fight/dance off scene from the Michael Jackson video for Beat It.

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin’ how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it
Beat it, beat it, beat it

Maybe it’s better that I be a poser with my fake beer, because if I drank as many bottles of beer as I have with the delicious A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda, I might end up passed out on my bathroom floor, lying in my own vomit, with a Sharpie mustache drawn on my face, and two arrows pointing to my mouth also drawn on my face with the words, “Stick it in the hole for a prize,” written on my chin.

Plus, someone would probably take pictures of me in this position and post it all over the internet with the word “0wn3d!” on it.

Item: A&W Sparkling Vanilla Cream Soda
Purchase Price: 99 cents
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Damn good. Refreshing. Kind of addictive. If I take off the label or stick the bottle in a brown paper bag, it looks like I’m drinking beer, which in turn, makes me looking cool. My switchblade comb. Michael Jackson before the sleepovers and plastic surgery.
Cons: Not different in taste than the previous A&W Cream soda. Possible passed out drunk pictures posted on the internet.