The Shopping Cart takes a look at things that I’ve tried, but am too lazy to write a full review for. Consider them mini-reviews. Or lazy-ass-reviews.
What I’m Wearing That Maybe Causing Hell To Freeze Over, But Also May Make Me Look Fabulous
I would not, could not, at the club. I could not, would not, after getting out of the tub. I will not wear it in the form of a shirt. I will not wear it privately in a miniskirt. I will not wear it inside or out. I will not wear it when I’m about. I do not like wearing clothes as pink as spam. I do not like them, Marvo-I-am.
For thirty years of my life, I thought that way about wearing the color pink. I believed that pink was a color that only girls and really preppy Polo-wearing bastards should wear. But after picking up this pink-striped Banana Republic Outlet shirt for $24.99, I’m now beginning to see that pink can be very manly. After all, prime rib is pink…and very manly.
Pink really isn’t so bad. Now that I think about it, I’ve eaten a lot of pink things in my life, like the pink hearts in Lucky Charms, pink cotton candy at a carnival, pink marshmallow Peeps, and other pink things.
So I will wear it at the mall. And I will wear it watching baseball. And I will wear it while in a car. And I will wear it while being rejected at the bar. And I will wear it inside or out. I will wear it when I’m about. I do so like wearing clothes as pink as spam. Thank you! Thank you, Marvo-I-am.
Hmm…I wonder if wearing lavender is in my future now?
What I’m Using In My Hair That Doesn’t Give It That Viagra Stiffness
Every year during Christmas I get free hair care products from my sexy hairstylist. Last Christmas, I received small container of Paul Mitchell’s Tea Tree Grooming Pomade. To be honest, I had no idea what pomade was. It sounded like a pomegranate flavored Gatorade.
I grew up using hair spray, hair gel, and whenever I wanted to look like a 1950s mobster, Brylcreem. My hair product of choice for the past three years to keep my hair stiff is the Viagra-colored Hard Up Hair Gel. I like having my hair stiff because, just like porcupines, I use it to defend myself from predators, like hobos, feral cats, and former Real World cast members who desperately want attention.
Pomade wasn’t designed to give hair a stiff hold, instead it gives it a flexible hold, which I really don’t like since one low ceiling could ruin the messy bed head look that took ten seconds to sculpt in my bathroom mirror. The Tea Tree Grooming Pomade also gave my hair a slight greasy feeling and a weird waxy smell, which is the ultimate woman repelling combo, ahead of missing teeth and a handlebar mustache.