REVIEW: Oscar Mayer Fast Franks

I don’t know what to do with myself during the 35 seconds it takes to warm up an Oscar Mayer Fast Frank. Most microwavable foods I eat, like popcorn and Lean Cuisine meals, take three to five minutes to heat up.

During that time I can walk away from the microwave and do a lot of different things, like put clothes in the washing machine, check out baseball box scores, iron a pair of pants, or kill some random guy with my bare hands, but I can’t do any of those things within 35 seconds. If I was an inexperienced overexcited male about to lose his virginity, those 35 seconds would be more than enough to experience premature ejaculation, but I’m no longer that person.

Each box of Oscar Mayer Fast Franks, which needs to be refrigerated, comes with three individually wrapped weiners with buns in a heating sleeve. The weiner inside the wrapping comes in its own wrapping, all of which is sort of like the equivalent of putting your groceries in paper and plastic bags or double-bagging a weiner — anatomy, not food.

(Editor’s Note: Please don’t double-bag weiners — anatomy, not food. Double-bagging increases the chances of condom breakage. No matter how skanky the person you’re with is, double-bagging might not provide double the protection. So please, don’t let friends double-bag. This has been a Public Service Announcement from your friends at The Impulsive Buy.)

Taking the hot dog with bun out of its wrapper, then taking the weiner out of its wrapper and putting it back in the bun, and then putting the hot dog in its heating sleeve in the microwave took slightly less than the 35 seconds it takes to warm a Fast Frank up. So I could prepare another Fast Frank while I wait for the first one warming up in the microwave, but eating two of them in one sitting would probably negate my daily Thighmaster workout, due to their high saturated fat and sodium content.

For those 35 seconds, I could just stare at the microwave, watch the Fast Frank rotate as it warms up, and feel the radiation on my skin, but there has to be a better use of my time. I guess I could just dance my way through the 35 seconds.

(Editor’s Note: Yes, that was me dancing. I have no rhythm.)

After the 35 seconds, I ended up with a decent tasting hot dog. Made out of turkey, pork, and chicken, the weiner warmed up thoroughly and was tasty, especially with the mustard I added to it. The bun was soft, but had a very slight staleness to it, which really isn’t surprising since it’s been refrigerated.

The Oscar Mayer Fast Franks seem perfect for those who are too lazy to cook. They are faster to warm up than a Cup o’ Noodles ramen, but unfortunately, they are significantly more pricey. The cost of each box of three individually wrapped weiners is roughly the equivalent of 6-10 Cup o’ Noodles. Its price is also about the same as a pack of hot dogs and a pack of hot dog buns combined, which will yield a significant more amount of weiners, but of course, with less convenience.

Although, with the time it takes to prepare weiners the old fashioned way, I will have more time to read my email, kill people my bare hands, or dance.

(Nutrition Facts for 1 Hot Dog with Bun: 290 Calories, 170 Calories from Fat, 19 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein)

Item: Oscar Mayer Fast Franks
Price: $3.50
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty weiner. Super quick to warm up. Perfect for people too lazy to cook. Good source of protein. Individually wrapped. Dancing.
Cons: As unhealthy as normal hot dogs. Really pricey for only three hot dogs. Cup o’ Noodles are cheaper. Double-bagging weiners — anatomy, not food. Putting a video of yourself dancing poorly on YouTube. Can’t do much in 35 seconds. Getting the Jumbo Hotdog song stuck in your head. Premature ejaculation.

47 thoughts on “REVIEW: Oscar Mayer Fast Franks

  1. My name is Oscar Mayer and I want my real hot dog song back! 😉

    I think I’ll skip trying out the fast dogs, since the only real dog for me is a Chicago dog!

  2. are you wearing socks and thongs? (do you guys call them thongs on the rock in the middle of the pacific ocean?) if so.. .. .. niiice.

    ps. have you done the birthday prize draw yet?

    hot dogs make me a wee bit blech.

  3. my 3 yr old son totally loved your dancing he danced with you nice song but you do know that you can just microwave regular hotdogs in about that time

  4. Mmmm…Dancing Marvo.

    You should’ve played Vivrant Thing. I could see you doing the Running Man to that one.

  5. Contrary to Chuck’s opinion, I think a striptease to Jumbo Hotdog would be fabulous. Especially now that you’ve added premature ejaculation to the list of cons. 🙂

  6. Dude. Take some Windex or something to that microwave. I’m guessing the inside could probably use a thorough cleaning too. Mine never gets like that, oh no it doesn’t.

    I don’t understand why some kitchens have the micowave down so low; you have to bend over to see how the food is doing.

    Sweet moves, though.

  7. You truly have no idea how happy that video made me, dude. There I am, taking a break from articulating a fetal skeleton to surf the tubes, and I get the awesome rhythm-free hot dog dance of wonderment and delight. Win.

  8. OMFG! I read all the time but have never commented. The video, with dancing and accompanying soundtrack, were so entertaining if I’d been drinking milk it’d have come out my nose. So fucking funny! I request more entertaining videos of your products in use. :0)

  9. More dancing Marvo! I was thinking “those are pretty sweet moves” until you said that you have no rhythm. Then I realized that I must have less than no rhythm. Put I do request more dancing in the middle of a review. And you can make a hotdog in the microwave in about 35 seconds if you prefer using “regular” hotdocs.

  10. haha… love the dancing. but… is there actually any difference between the fast franks and regular hot dogs? other then they come with the bun? and you have to unwrap the bun, unwrap the hot dog, put the hot dog back, and then put it in a heating sleeve? it… actually seems like more work then slapping a wiener in a bun and nukerwaving away.

  11. Marvo… I…. am…. In….. LOVE!
    you MUST give us more dancing!
    even if it accompanies the review of products with way to much packaging!
    I think Pella is right.. old fashioned way is easier.
    your moves rock baby!

  12. FatYoli – If I had a Polaroid camera, I would’ve shaken a Polaroid picture in the video.

    Nyfeh – Actually, premature ejaculation is a pro only when having sex with me because the woman will be glad it’s over. Because of that, I moved it to the cons.

    Chuck – If I ever review stripper pole polish, the clothes are coming off.

    nat – If only I could have a Chicago dog or a NY pizza. Mmm…

    frith – Haven’t done the birthday prize draw yet. I need to get balloons. I was wearing thongs (if you mean my feet), but not socks. I am just pale.

    gina – Really? I don’t think I’ve ever microwaved a regular hot dog. I usually boil them or stick them on the George Foreman Grill.

    Karen – Sadly, those are the only moves I know, so dancing videos will get lame after three of them.

    Brie – I also could’ve attempted to do the Humpty Dance.

    The Lazy Canadian – I’ve had that microwave ever since I moved into my apartment. So it’s about eight years old.

    Marvo Luvr – Maybe someday I will. Someday.

  13. Peggasus – I don’t have much counter space in my kitchen so I was forced to stick it down there.

    Meryl – Well, so much for my next video plans for articulating a fetal skeleton, that probably would’ve sucked.

    kevin – Just fancy editing and one widescreen camera. If I had an HD camera, the hair on my arms would totally stand out.

    Liz in Indy – More product videos is why I bought the camera, along with spying on my neighbors.

    Clevegal42 – You have minus rhythm? I used to have minus rhythm until I got the Darren’s Dance Moves video.

    tanya – I’ll see what I can do without showing my face.

    Molly – Actually, for some reason my video camera couldn’t properly shoot the numbers. It would fade in and out, like in the video. I tried changing angles, but nothing worked. My microwave is fine…a little dirty, but fine.

    pella – I don’t think there is a difference, but these might be handy for those people who HATE that hot dogs come in packs of ten, while hot dog buns come in packs of eight.

    bikerbabee – I wanted to do the worm, but I failed miserably.

    Rachey – I was going to freak the wall, but I’m afraid of splinters. Yes, I believe the song was in Tagalog.

  14. Oh, Marvo. How I love you so. I think whenever I am in a bad mood, I will come here and watch that video. 🙂

    I’m curious. What exactly is in the AARP playlist?

  15. Re: The fading numbers

    I believe it has to do with the surging current of your power supply (AC) causing the lights in the clock to dim and brighten ever so slightly as the current, well, alternates. It happens way too fast and often for a human eye to ever notice, but if a video camera is focused on it (shooting so many frames a second), it is possible to record a frame or two that catches the light at a low point. That’s a really brief description and it is kind of related to the way computer screens filmed with video cameras always flicker.

    But uh…back to the hot dogs. I vote no.

  16. Jackers – Those are my only PJ’s, I usually walk around naked. 😉

    PlatinumKate – It would’ve been less awesome if I did it in my thong — not slippers.

    Webmiztris – I’m surprised I didn’t break my video camera with those moves, because they were pretty bad.

    Henry Evil – No socks…Just paleness.

    T-Shirt Folks – Nah, just throw out the weiner and replace it with bacon. I think that would be better.

    agstah – Lots of Neil Diamond and The Carpenters. Only kidding, those who are in their 50s and 60s. Those are the songs that I’ve listened to about 50 to 100 times.

    missmle – Thanks for the explanation. It makes sense. It’s better than mine, which is I thought my microwave was haunted.

    demondoll – When the new pole gets installed…maybe.

  17. marvo, that was fun to watch! look how much comment it’s generating. as far as chicago dogs go try Hank’s Haute Dogs on Coral St in Kakaako. although i can’t compare it to a real one, i enjoyed it.

  18. Ummm…wow. As much as I loved your dancing, I couldn’t help noticing that you need a new microwave. Maybe that should be your next product review. Ideally, one that the numbers don’t fade in and out. 🙂

  19. If you dance naked next time you could turn this site into a combination review/porn site. If you get around to installing that pole you could even start charging.

  20. Mallory – Maybe I should do my headspin next time. There isn’t a need for a fan with the breeze I create with it.

    Lane O – I’ve heard mostly good things about Hank’s Haute Dogs, except the parking situation and maybe the prices, but it’s on my list of things to try.

    the other ‘M’ – I will run that microwave into the ground, unless it burns my building to the ground, which it won’t. It’s fine.

    Karen – Or I could turn it into a porn video review site. Just like new food products, there’s soooo much new porn out there. It’s hard to keep up.

  21. mums – The outside maybe dirty, but the inside is clean. It’s so clean that I would eat off of it…if I could stick my head in it.

  22. Where did you find out about that song??? I thought it was a filipino secret that is never revealed to outsiders. I’m gonna have a serious discussion at our next meeting

  23. ExpensiveLove – My Filipina friend helped me discover the song. I will not reveal her name to you, for fear that you may punish her.

    Domokun – Dude, you’ve been reading for a long time, you should know that I’m a hairy bastard.

  24. I forgot. I was just all excited to see a video with an ugly microwave and then OH MY GOD, AN APE BROKE IN AND IS HEATING UP–oh…it’s just Marvo. Phew. That was a close one. Hugs ‘n’ kisses!

  25. For $3.50, I can get a pack of Hebrew National 97% fat free franks. Much tastier than these overpriced Oscar Mayer thingies I bet.

    It’s true, NEVER double-bag your junk! Thanks for the reminder. You do care about your readers *sniff*

  26. birdwoman – If there was a pole, my dancing would be so much better.

    Domokun – You think my arms are hairy, you should see the top of my head.

    Peachy – I do care about my readers, also when you double-bag, I’ve been told you can’t feel much.

    Aimee – Weiner. Weiner. Weiner.

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