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Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Chocolate Clusters
I do not know if any of you noticed, but Honey Bunches of Oats is reproducing like rabbits and I bet people in China are pissed. While each couple in China can have only one child, an asexual semi-healthy cereal can have seven offspring, with the possibility of more. I bet you right [...]
Continue reading...Casa Fiesta Beef Tamales
28 April 2008
My doctor told me last week that I wasn’t getting enough of my fat intake from canned foods. Actually, he told me that I was lucky to make it to his office from my car, but this is what I would buy if the previous sentence were true. It’s Casa Fiesta’s Beef Tamales in a [...]
Continue reading...Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme
25 April 2008
All right, Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme, let’s get you into these stirrups. Are you comfortable? Okay, we’re going to take this step by step. I’m now going to insert the speculum to separate your cookie. Yes, “cookie” is an approved scientific term and we use it all the time [...]
Continue reading...Panda Express Beijing Beef
23 April 2008
If you’re not of the Asian persuasion, you might have a hard time determining the differences between all of us Asians. There’s Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Taiwanese, Vietnamese, Cambodian, Thai, Filipino and the list goes on. If you have a hard time with the various Asian ethnicities and just lump us all together, don’t [...]
Continue reading...Burger King Cheesy Bacon BK Wrapper
21 April 2008
Woah, woah, woah, whoa. Hold on there Burger King Cheesy Bacon BK Wrapper. Don’t be calling yourself cheesy, my Weezie. Chester Cheetah got it right when he said, “It ain’t easy bein’ cheesy.” Just like nicknames, you can’t just call yourself “cheesy,” you have to earn it. You just can’t [...]
Continue reading...Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger
15 April 2008
Ladies and gentlemen. I am about to do something amazing right now. I am going to eat the Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger here in front of you in one sitting. I know what you’re thinking. You’re looking at the burger and thinking to yourself that it [...]
Continue reading...Flamin’ Hot Funyuns
14 April 2008
If you’ve ever attended elementary school, you probably remember the one boy that really enjoyed his food. He would eat a hamburger as if he was making out with it and smother spaghetti sauce along his face as if it were a velvety smooth shaving cream. For that kid, eating was not just simple consumption; [...]
Continue reading...IHOP Who-Cakes
9 April 2008
At a table in the back is a parent who doesn’t care. Their child is giving them their spoiled glare. They whine and swear about how it’s not fair. “I WANT WHO-CAKES!” is what they blare. Others in the restaurant hear it, then stop and stare. So the parent orders IHOP Who-Cakes out of despair. The impatient kid slams the utensils [...]
Continue reading...Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Gold
7 April 2008
If you want your kid to succeed, because you weren’t athletic, talented, pretty, or smart enough to be successful when you were growing up, then Frosted Flakes Gold cereal just might be what your kids need to give you the opportunity to live vicariously through them. According to the box, the crunchy flakes made [...]
Continue reading...Burger King Loaded Steakhouse Burger
1 April 2008
When The King isn’t watching you sleep or molesting your children, he’s in the corporate test kitchen. He’s probably molesting the chefs too, but what he’s really doing is finding ways to slowly kill you with fat so that he may harvest your organs to pay for the medical bills that come from maintaining that [...]
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30 April 2008
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