Jamba Juice White Gummi

White or clear gummi bears are a rare species, despite being around as long as other species of gummi bears. It seems like every time I find myself among a sloth of gummi bears, there are hardly any white gummi bears around. Perhaps they are endangered or because of their semi-clear bodies they blend into their environment, making them hard to see, or maybe they like to stay hidden because they are embarrassed by their semen-like color.

They say the white gummi bear is the least ferocious among the different varieties. When faced with danger, it prefers to use diplomacy and gifts rather than its claws and teeth in a fight. It chooses this route because it doesn’t like to see the money it spent on manicures and teeth whitening to go to waste, and it doesn’t like blood because it can easily become stained on its clear coat. If diplomacy and gifts don’t work, the white gummi bear will show its teeth and consult with its lawyer to find out what actions it should take. The lack of violence is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of sophistication.

With their clear bodies, white gummi bears are masters of concealment, and if you do catch a glimpse of an adult during the day, it’s generally not doing very much at all, just watching soap operas and talk shows. Adults are generally solitary, much more secretive than red or green gummi bears and are considered the emo members of the group. Because of their stealth, white gummi bears — not surprisingly — are the least known of all gummi bears and are no fun to play hide-and-seek with.

White gummi bears are also the least popular among all other gummi bears, usually because they lack a “fun color” that makes the homies say “ho” and the girlies wanna scream, and because they are snobby assholes. Despite being stuck up, the semen-colored, pineapple-flavored white gummi bear is my favorite and I am notorious for pulling all of them out of a big bag of gummi bears, keeping them for myself.

Over the years, I’ve heard rumors of a white gummi bear flavored Jamba Juice smoothie that’s part of a “secret menu” that you won’t find on the menu board and also involves a secret handshake and password. So I put on my best safari khaki outfit and journeyed out in search of the elusive Jamba Juice White Gummi, which turned out to be not so elusive since I was able to order it at the first Jamba Juice I went to.

The Jamba Juice White Gummi tasted exactly like a white gummi bear and it was damn good…and damn sweet. It was so sweet that I’m surprised my teeth didn’t rot away while sucking it down. After doing some research, it turns out that the smoothie consists of peach juice, raspberry sherbet, lime sherbet, pineapple sherbet, and mango, which sounds healthy, but with all the sherbet included, it probably has enough sugar to power a small home, if that home was powered by a little boy on a treadmill who was fed the Jamba Juice White Gummi.

Item: Jamba Juice White Gummi
Price: $4.95
Size: 30 ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a white gummi bear. Really good. Knowing what a group of bears is called. Saving on your energy bill by having a home powered by a little boy on a treadmill.
Cons: Really sweet. It’s probably extremely bad for you. Not on menu board at Jamba Juice. White gummi bears are no fun to play hide-and-seek with. Might not be available at all Jamba Juice locations. White gummi bears being semen colored.

27 thoughts on “Jamba Juice White Gummi

  1. You know, I’ve never even seen one of those clear gummy bears. Funny…you’d think the clear gummy would taste like schnozzberries instead of pineapple. Huh. Well, live and learn.

  2. I can’t believe you’ve never had a white gummi before now. They put thoughts of unicorns dancing in meadows and care bears sliding down rainbows in my head. They warm my cold black little heart. They also taste great with vodka!

  3. Sarah Palin likes to hunt white gummi bears using helicopters and high-powered rifles. She might enjoy this drink.

  4. @Reprobate – Well, at least the schnozzberries taste like schnozzberries.

    @Chuck – But that’s the best part. They get stuck between your teeth and if you don’t brush them, you might have an unexpected snack later on.

    @liz – Maybe…once I get my high-definition camera and hopefully it will end up on PBS.

    @Kylie – Oh…that’s what that feeling was in my head, the unicorns and Care Bears. I thought that was the sugar overdose.

    @Brenda – But that how you’re supposed to hunt white gummi bears. Actually, that’s the case for all gummi bears.

  5. Now all the clear gummi fans know that they are effete, delicate, soap-opera-watching snobs, but I’m a green gummi bear fan. What does that say about me?

  6. How exciting!! The white gummi is also my favorite. I would love to try this, but I like having all my teeth. This is the fifth set you’ve gone through this year, Marvo.

  7. No wait, you’re right. Merriam-Webster doesn’t say so, but Dictionary.com does: Sloth 3. a pack or group of bears.

  8. This post it clearly designed to put people off of white gummis … so that Marvo can keep them all for himself. I’m not biting.

    (Have you seen the Ghost Dots have returned for Halloween this year?)

  9. I love Ghost Dots!!! I also noticed they had some gross candy, “Boogers” and “Pimples” (Box of Boogers and Zit Poppers are their proper names, I think) — I’d never seen these before. I spent about ten seconds “ewwwwwww”ing at them in the Target candy aisle.

  10. I love the Aqua Teen reference!! And your Jamba Juice reviews makes me wish we had one in the middle of the cornfields.

  11. You may consider these tainted… I believe the chocolate covered gummi bears are made with the clear, pineapple flavored bears. Mmm my favorite! Available in bulk at your nearest Wholesale Unlimited store.

  12. @Olivia – Unfortunately, there aren’t any, but I think that’s a good thing because me no likey chewy in my Jamba Juice.

    @armauld – Either you love money or you’re an environmentalist or you’re the Riddler.

    @Nevis – I say wear a mouthguard or dental dam.

    @Heidi – I like getting them replaced because they’re whiter than the original and I can blind people with them.

    @Chuck – Yes, I meant to say unexpected. Although, gummi bears always get stuck in between my teeth so it’s kind of expected.

    @oconor – Mathematically, I have to be right once in a while, but most of the time I’m wrong.

    @cybele – If I want the white gummi bears from someone, I’m just going to take it…when they’re not looking…before they even buy the bag. As for the Ghost Dots, I’ve been avoiding the Halloween candy, because Halloween begins the trifecta of holiday gluttony. It begins with post-Halloween candy that’s extremely discounted, then it’s turkey at Thanksgiving, and followed by turkey at Christmas,

    @Bumlet5 – What!?! You can enjoy the wonder and delight that is Jamba Juice? I weep for you!

    @Jazzy – Amen! I haven’t tried the red gummi, but I’ll try it the next time I want to overdose on sugar, which will probably be tomorrow.

    @Lane O – I avoid any Wholesale Unlimited store because I would just stock up on li hing mango.

    @Neil – You should have someone pre-chew them for you. I think that would make it much easier.

  13. “As for the Ghost Dots, I’ve been avoiding the Halloween candy, because Halloween begins the trifecta of holiday gluttony. It begins with post-Halloween candy that’s extremely discounted, then it’s turkey at Thanksgiving, and followed by turkey at Christmas,”

    You make that sound like it’s a bad thing. That’s the best thing about November (besides National Novel Writing Month).

  14. Sounds nummi. I can handle melt-your-face-off sweet, and I love the clear gummi bears. I’m sure there’s a Jamba Juice around here… somewhere.

  15. The white gummi is my second favorite jamba flavor… after the pink star (sounds dirty but actually tastes like a pink starburst). Definitely worth putting on that safari outfit again…

  16. White gummy bear is definatly the best flavor out there. I have only been in this world for14 years and i could tell you that this is the best tasting flavor ever invented. Its probably not healthy for you, but who cares….im a kid, i could burn it off in one day 😀

    They are sooooo yummy. But every location where i have been has had white gummy bear.

Comments are closed.