White or clear gummi bears are a rare species, despite being around as long as other species of gummi bears. It seems like every time I find myself among a sloth of gummi bears, there are hardly any white gummi bears around. Perhaps they are endangered or because of their semi-clear bodies they blend into their environment, making them hard to see, or maybe they like to stay hidden because they are embarrassed by their semen-like color.
They say the white gummi bear is the least ferocious among the different varieties. When faced with danger, it prefers to use diplomacy and gifts rather than its claws and teeth in a fight. It chooses this route because it doesn’t like to see the money it spent on manicures and teeth whitening to go to waste, and it doesn’t like blood because it can easily become stained on its clear coat. If diplomacy and gifts don’t work, the white gummi bear will show its teeth and consult with its lawyer to find out what actions it should take. The lack of violence is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of sophistication.
With their clear bodies, white gummi bears are masters of concealment, and if you do catch a glimpse of an adult during the day, it’s generally not doing very much at all, just watching soap operas and talk shows. Adults are generally solitary, much more secretive than red or green gummi bears and are considered the emo members of the group. Because of their stealth, white gummi bears — not surprisingly — are the least known of all gummi bears and are no fun to play hide-and-seek with.
White gummi bears are also the least popular among all other gummi bears, usually because they lack a “fun color” that makes the homies say “ho” and the girlies wanna scream, and because they are snobby assholes. Despite being stuck up, the semen-colored, pineapple-flavored white gummi bear is my favorite and I am notorious for pulling all of them out of a big bag of gummi bears, keeping them for myself.
Over the years, I’ve heard rumors of a white gummi bear flavored Jamba Juice smoothie that’s part of a “secret menu” that you won’t find on the menu board and also involves a secret handshake and password. So I put on my best safari khaki outfit and journeyed out in search of the elusive Jamba Juice White Gummi, which turned out to be not so elusive since I was able to order it at the first Jamba Juice I went to.
The Jamba Juice White Gummi tasted exactly like a white gummi bear and it was damn good…and damn sweet. It was so sweet that I’m surprised my teeth didn’t rot away while sucking it down. After doing some research, it turns out that the smoothie consists of peach juice, raspberry sherbet, lime sherbet, pineapple sherbet, and mango, which sounds healthy, but with all the sherbet included, it probably has enough sugar to power a small home, if that home was powered by a little boy on a treadmill who was fed the Jamba Juice White Gummi.
Item: Jamba Juice White Gummi
Size: 30 ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a white gummi bear. Really good. Knowing what a group of bears is called. Saving on your energy bill by having a home powered by a little boy on a treadmill.
Cons: Really sweet. It’s probably extremely bad for you. Not on menu board at Jamba Juice. White gummi bears are no fun to play hide-and-seek with. Might not be available at all Jamba Juice locations. White gummi bears being semen colored.