NEWS: One of Kashi’s Latest Veggie Pizzas Fails To Keep It Real

Some of the things I think about when it comes to delicious pizza are how unhealthy they are, how greasy they are and what my face looked like when I was 13 years old, but health nutty companies like Kashi and Amy’s are making pizzas a little bit healthier by not topping theirs with meat products. That’s great, but the new Kashi Sicilian Veggie Pizza has gotten me worried because it doesn’t have cheese.

The Sicilian Veggie is a stone fired pizza covered with caramelized onions, grilled eggplant, fire roasted red peppers on top of a balsamic infused white bean tomato sauce. But, again, there’s no cheese.

According to my computer’s dictionary, a pizza is, “a dish of Italian origin consisting of a flat, round base of dough baked with a topping of tomato sauce and cheese, typically with added meat or vegetables.”

See what it said? Pizza has to have cheese. Because it’s in a dictionary, I believe it to be fact, and my computer’s dictionary doesn’t lie because it has a picture of Spencer Pratt under the definition for “asshole.”

So, technically, the Kashi Sicilian Veggie isn’t a pizza, but Kashi’s other new pizza is one. The Mexicali Black Bean Thin Crust has a whole grain crust topped with a spicy black bean and tomato sauce blend, mozzarella and cheddar cheeses, fire roasted corn, tomatillos, poblano peppers and red peppers.

Now that’s a pizza.

One-third of the Sicilian Veggie has 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 530 milligrams of sodium, 120 milligrams of potassium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber and 11 grams of protein. While a serving of the Mexicali Black Bean has 210 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 560 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber and 13 grams of protein. Both pizzas also contain 9 grams of whole grains and 340 milligrams of ALA Omega-3s per serving.

NEWS: Addition of New Tropical Smoothie Causes Jack in the Box Menu Board To Be Even More Crowded

This week, Jack in the Box introduced their new Tropical Smoothie. It joins the Mango, Strawberry Banana and Pomegranate Berry Smoothies on the clusterfuck known as the Jack in the Box menu board.

The Tropical Smoothie is a blend of Minute Maid mango and banana fruit juices and purees mixed with nonfat frozen yogurt. I’ve tried all the other flavors and thought they were decent. I’ll probably try this one too just so I can tell my grandkids that I tried every Jack in the Box smoothie flavor and so that, as someone who lives on a tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I can find out if it captures the essence of the island lifestyle, which consists of getting up, going to work, eating lunch, going back to work, going home, eating dinner, watching television, going to sleep and repeating it all over again the next day.

The Tropical Smoothie comes in 16- and 24-ounce sizes for $2.99 and $3.99, respectively. A 16-ounce smoothie contains 325 calories, 0 grams of fat, 3 milligrams of cholesterol, 86 milligrams of sodium, 237 milligrams of potassium, 80 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 63 grams of sugar and 3 grams of protein.

Now here’s the commercial for the Jack in the Box Tropical Smoothie:

REVIEW: Wawa Soft Pretzel

When I was just a mere reader of this intellectual review site, I would always scream, jump up and down and hit my computer like a wild spider monkey at the zoo that children flick pieces of popcorn at. I bet you’re wondering why on Earth I would do this. Well, it’s because I would see food reviews for delicious, mouth-watering and other trite adjectives used to describe fast food items that will leave a tattoo on your arteries from places such as Jack in the Box and Carl’s Jr. Those of us who were represented by The Notorious BIG in the East Coast/West Coast Rap Wars of 1995 are not able to experience a Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich or Del Taco Jalapeno Rings. Well, now it’s the Left Coast’s turn to cry tears of pain when they read reviews for items that only us near the Atlantic have the opportunity to devour.

Wawa is a chain of convenience stores that are located in the Mid-Atlantic. To compare it to a 7-Eleven is blasphemy. Here’s an example of a conversation between a Philadelphian and a tourist that has no clue what a Wawa is:

Tourist: “I’ve seen signs for a store called Wawa. Some have gas stations, and some don’t.”

Philly Guy: “Oh yeah, I go to Wawa every morning before work.”

Tourist: “So it’s like a 7-Eleven?”

Philly Guy: “Fuck You.”

How can you compare sandwiches made to order to oddly colored tubes of mystery meat heated by a sun lamp that slowly rotate while a loitering stoner stares for hours thinking that one of the hot dogs looks like a member of Phish? I’m not saying that 7-Eleven is awful; I do love the occasional Slurpee, but compared to Wawa, 7-Eleven is merely that chick from high school that’s popular, because she has a reputation for giving handjobs behind the bleachers.

The iconic Wawa Pretzel comes two to a package, connected in the middle. It’s much softer than a pretzel that you would get at a ballpark or from a street vendor. The doughy and slightly sticky texture makes it easier to eat without needing to have a chaser of water (or in Marvo’s case, a Throwback Pepsi) and the amount of salt on it is just about right. Although, like snowflakes, no Wawa Pretzel is alike. Some may have less salt, others more may have more salt, some could be harder than others (that’s what she said) and some could be softer than a 90-year-old man while watching Dancing With the Stars.

I’m sorry if I put a visual in your head.

Clocking in at 1040 milligrams of sodium for one pretzel doesn’t make this exactly health food, and 58 grams of carbs would probably make Robert Atkins roll in his grave. The pretzel is very heavy; in fact I could barely finish one before I could feel it expand in my stomach. It’s not something I could consume everyday, but for a carb craving it certainly does the trick.

(Nutrition Facts: Serving Size 1 pretzel-310 calories, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 1040 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 9 grams of protein. 2% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: Wawa Soft Pretzel
Price: $1.38 plus tax
Size: 7.8 oz
Purchased at: Wawa Food Markets
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Not dry like most soft pretzels. Fills your belly up. Experiencing the wonder known as Wawa. The colorful vernacular of Philadelphians. Laughing at stoners trying to have a vision while they look at the rotating hot dogs at 7-Eleven.
Cons: More sodium than a healthy human should consume. The East Coast/West Coast Rap Wars of 1995. The image of a 90-year-old man’s problems.

NEWS: New DASANI essence Only Gets to First Base With All-Natural Fruit Flavor

Like a Jonas brother wearing a purity ring, the new DASANI essence bottled water doesn’t go all the way. It only has a touch of fruit flavor and it accomplishes this without sweeteners, preservatives or calories. It’s the equivalent of just making out in the back seat of a Trans Am. The DASANI essence (yes, that’s how it’s spelled) is similar to the Hint Water we reviewed years ago.

Some of you might be thinking DASANI already has fruit flavored water, and you would be right, but that line of bottled water has a level of flavor that is equivalent to getting to third base in the back seat of a station wagon.

The DASANI essence comes in three flavors: black cherry, strawberry kiwi and lime. It’s being sold in 18.5-ounce bottles or 16-ounce bottles in a 4-pack.

An 8-ounce serving contains 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates and 0 grams of protein.

ANNOUNCEMENT: New Writer Ends The Sausagefest at The Impulsive Buy

The glass ceiling has been broken, and I was the one who whipped out her .357 Magnum Lara Croft-style and shattered that sucker into a million pieces. Actually, it’s not that badass, but I will be the first writer sans schlong here at The Impulsive Buy.

And yes, I used the words sans and schlong in the same sentence.

Even though I am of the female persuasion, TIB will not be bombarded with reviews about tampons or other feminine products located in the aisle that has pregnancy tests and condoms.

Now that I’ve cleared that up…

I’m Kayla, a native of New Hampshire (a.k.a. Vermont’s spooning partner) who has been living in Philadelphia for almost three years. I’m pursuing my B.S. in Communications with concentrations in advertising and screenwriting. One day I’d like to be running my own advertising agency, making mad dough and coming up with commercial ideas that involve farting monkeys or other things that parent advocacy groups would deem inappropriate.

I’ve been consuming massive amounts of media since the age of two, which turned me into a pop culture snob of sorts, but not one of those snobs that needs to use Grey Poupon on everything. However, I do have a taste for the finer things in life like strippers, PBR and Warrant’s 1990 magnum opus “Cherry Pie.” Most of the time I’m enjoying these things all at once while wearing a strand of pearls and an adorable argyle sweater. I would like to think of myself as classy on the outside and sleazy on the inside.

I’ve been an avid reader of The Impulsive Buy since 2005, but never posted any comments on reviews since I really didn’t get into the blogging scene until recently when I started my own that focuses on advertising. You can check that out at I’m really excited to be on board here at TIB and I’m even more excited to start buying impulsively and working on my innuendo for reviews.