Iâ€™ll get straight to the point here: Iâ€™m what youâ€™d call a “classy” broad. I enjoy the finer things in life, such as dining at upscale restaurants that arenâ€™t so upscale that they donâ€™t accept coupons; wearing designer clothing that I find irregular or on clearance; and looking at the furniture in the Crate and Barrel catalog.
So when I saw Goyaâ€™s Cola Champagne, I said to myself “Ooh la la! Now there is a soft drink for me.” Surely this was to be a superior, top of the line beverage — despite being manufactured by the same company I normally associate with black beans and adobo sauce.
After opening the bottle and letting the cola breathe for a bit, I poured myself a glass. But the ironic thing about Goya Cola Champagne is that it tastes like neither cola nor champagne, but instead like carbonated sugar water with strong notes of bubblegum and hints of orange cough syrup. Actually, I donâ€™t know if thatâ€™s “ironic” in the actual definition of ironic sense of the word so much as the Alanis Morrissette song “Ironic” sense of the word. Really, Alanis? You know I love you girl but rain on your wedding day and a fly in your Chardonnay isnâ€™t ironic, itâ€™s fucking unfortunate. Learn the difference.
At any rate, even though the product didnâ€™t taste anything like actual champagne, (not even the five dollar bottles you find on the bottom “shelf of indignity” in the sparkling wine aisle of the grocery store) it wasnâ€™t entirely unpleasant.
It was also very Bazooka Joe-ish on the nose, which added to the bubblegum sensation I got while drinking it. And really, Iâ€™m down with other bubblegum flavored products such as bubblegum jelly beans, bubblegum ice cream and, you know, bubblegum itself; so going by those standards it wasnâ€™t too bad. My biggest complaint was that it left my mouth tasting like bubblegum-flavored bile after drinking it. I think “refresco” must be Spanish for “bad aftertaste.”
Overall, while it wasnâ€™t terrible, it wasnâ€™t especially memorable either. So next time Iâ€™m in the mood for cola or champagne Iâ€™ll probably stick to my usual Coke Zero or champagne with actual alcohol in it, even if I have to resort to the shelf of indignity in the liquor store.
(Nutrition Facts â€“ 12 ounces (1 bottle) â€“ 200 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of fiber, 45 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 0% iron.)
Item: Goya Cola Champagne
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Supreme Shop â€˜N Bag
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Shit thatâ€™s bubblegum-flavored. Crate and Barrel furniture. Being a classy broad.
Cons: Bad aftertaste. Rain on your wedding day. Flies in your chardonnay. Having to resort to the shelf of indignity at the liquor store.