REVIEW: Goya Cola Champagne

I’ll get straight to the point here: I’m what you’d call a “classy” broad. I enjoy the finer things in life, such as dining at upscale restaurants that aren’t so upscale that they don’t accept coupons; wearing designer clothing that I find irregular or on clearance; and looking at the furniture in the Crate and Barrel catalog.

So when I saw Goya’s Cola Champagne, I said to myself “Ooh la la! Now there is a soft drink for me.” Surely this was to be a superior, top of the line beverage — despite being manufactured by the same company I normally associate with black beans and adobo sauce.

After opening the bottle and letting the cola breathe for a bit, I poured myself a glass. But the ironic thing about Goya Cola Champagne is that it tastes like neither cola nor champagne, but instead like carbonated sugar water with strong notes of bubblegum and hints of orange cough syrup. Actually, I don’t know if that’s “ironic” in the actual definition of ironic sense of the word so much as the Alanis Morrissette song “Ironic” sense of the word. Really, Alanis? You know I love you girl but rain on your wedding day and a fly in your Chardonnay isn’t ironic, it’s fucking unfortunate. Learn the difference.

At any rate, even though the product didn’t taste anything like actual champagne, (not even the five dollar bottles you find on the bottom “shelf of indignity” in the sparkling wine aisle of the grocery store) it wasn’t entirely unpleasant.

It was also very Bazooka Joe-ish on the nose, which added to the bubblegum sensation I got while drinking it. And really, I’m down with other bubblegum flavored products such as bubblegum jelly beans, bubblegum ice cream and, you know, bubblegum itself; so going by those standards it wasn’t too bad. My biggest complaint was that it left my mouth tasting like bubblegum-flavored bile after drinking it. I think “refresco” must be Spanish for “bad aftertaste.”

Overall, while it wasn’t terrible, it wasn’t especially memorable either. So next time I’m in the mood for cola or champagne I’ll probably stick to my usual Coke Zero or champagne with actual alcohol in it, even if I have to resort to the shelf of indignity in the liquor store.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces (1 bottle) – 200 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of fiber, 45 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 0% iron.)

Item: Goya Cola Champagne
Price: 2/$1.59
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Supreme Shop ‘N Bag
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Shit that’s bubblegum-flavored. Crate and Barrel furniture. Being a classy broad.
Cons: Bad aftertaste. Rain on your wedding day. Flies in your chardonnay. Having to resort to the shelf of indignity at the liquor store.

21 thoughts on “REVIEW: Goya Cola Champagne

  1. Why does Bazooka Joe wear that eyepatch? Did he have a bubblegum-related accident or is he just trying to be a pirate of some sort?

    Also, Marvo, you lazy bastard – mix your own drinks.

  2. I still maintain that the whole point of that Alanis song is that it’s a song about irony where none of the examples given are actually ironic…. thus making the song itself a pretty perfect description of irony (which turns it from being stupid to being kind of crazily brilliant).

  3. i tried the Goya fruit punch soda and found it to be very good. But this Bubblegum flavored soda sounds maybe not too good I think i will pass.

    THAT IS ALL

  4. I’ve tried this and it was disgustingl nasty! I mean it was way to sweet and doesen’t qualify as a cola, they should stick to making the black beans!

  5. I read this entire post thinking the name of the drink was “CHOLA Champagne”. I am sad it isn’t because I would buy the SHIT out of that stuff!

  6. I bought a 2 liter bottle of it the other day and googled for the phrase and came up to this blog. The lady doesn’t drink a lot of pop it seems. This is a kind of creme soda flavor with bite. I’ll peruse the other hits and see if I can figure out more about the stuff.

    Try the Guava flavored sugar wafers by the same company.

  7. Oh my gosh, you should all try, Goya Malts! It’s so tasty when very chilled!, especially the cola champagne sodas.

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