Ever since Pepsi Max was introduced in the United States a few years ago, it’s been my main source of caffeine, since it’s a zero calorie soda that provides me with 115 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine per 20 ounce bottle. I’ve consumed a lot of it, so much so that if Pepsi Max was an illegal drug, I would’ve overdosed a long time ago; if it was a prostitute, I would have a burning sensation whenever I pee; and if it was regular Pepsi, I would have diabetes.
Pepsi Max Cease Fire is Pepsi Max with a hint of lime flavor and it’s the first variation of the high-caffeine diet soda in the United States. While the bottle says it has a hint of lime, it turned out to be more than just a smidgen.
It had an uncomfortable amount of lime that masked the cola flavor and made me briefly wonder if I diluted it with water in a bucket and used the solution to mop, could bring some luster to my tile floors? But just like seeing Jason Segal’s penis over and over again in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I somewhat got used to it.
The zero calorie, lime-flavored soda gets its name because of its claim to soothe the burn from spicy foods. Unfortunately, when I first opened the bottle I didn’t have any spicy foods in the apartment. So instead, I licked my arm several times because many women have said I’m mui caliente. But that didn’t work. Then I quickly remembered, as I pulled my arm hair off of my tongue, that those women didn’t say I was mui caliente, they said I was mui peludo.
So in order to test Pepsi’s claim, I had to walk to the convenience store down the street, while avoiding the temptation to visit the 24-hour massage parlor along the way, and pick up a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. After building a decent burn from eating half of a 3.25 ounce bag, I took a swig of the Pepsi Max Cease Fire and swished it around in my mouth. While the soda was in my mouth, it did soothe the burn a little, but then again wouldn’t most cool beverages that aren’t hard liquor. After I swallowed, the burn slowly crept back to a point that was only slightly less than what I started at.
So basically Pepsi Max Cease Fire, when it comes to soothing the burn from spicy food, is as effective as trying to put out the Burning Man fire by having one guy with a full bladder pee on it. It’ll help a little, but it won’t come close to putting it out.
(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)
Item: Pepsi Max Cease Fire
Size: 2 liters
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Zero calories. A good amount of caffeine. 24-hour massage parlors. Regular Pepsi Max. Being mui peludo in the winter.
Cons: Uncomfortable amount of lime flavor. Off-putting aftertaste. Doesn’t do a good job of soothing the burn from spicy food. Being mui peludo in the summer.